Mutants in Tights - A parody of a parody
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer"Damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell"
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ACT 11 - The archery contest
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We go to the annual spring fair of Bayville, where the residents of Bayville are bustling around, enjoying themselves. We zoom in on where Sabertooth, Kurt, Forge and Pyro are walking around dressed as women...despite the fact that 3 out of 4 of them have very obvious facial hair. Kurt mutters to himself in German
"For the love of...what's wrong now", says Pyro, glaring at him.
"I should have never vorn these shoes", moans Kurt"They don't match my purse...or my tail".
"You obviously have some issues ta work through", mutters Sabertooth.
Pyro rolls his eyes, then notices that Forge's fake boobs are both on one side
"Blinkin, fix your boobs", he hisses"you look like a bleedin' Picasso".
Forge pats his chest
"Oh...well I'm sorry", he snaps"but I'm not well practised in the art of dressing as a woman".
The group move on, trying to act feminine...and failing, badly. We go to where Captain America is tossing snacks at the crowd. Up on the royal stand, Omega Red and Dr Petronette blow trumpets on either side of Pietro's ear, who's mole has moved to the right hand side of his chin, making him wince. Hank steps forward, compaining about his miniscule part in the whole production
"First I'm Rogue's father, now this", he says, then announces"THE ROYAL ARCHERY CONTEST IS ABOUT TO BEGIN! ARCHERS TAKE YOUR PLACES".
Pietro groans and holds his head, then sits down as various archers get lined up. Among then is Lance, and a very suspicious looking old man...with red-on-black eyes. Scott takes his seat next to Pietro
"Are we...'prepared'", asks Pietro.
"Have all the snacks right here", grins Scott, then blinks"...oh that... yes sire".
He waves rather stupidly into the distance. In a tower, we see Logan nod and silently put together a crossbow
"Oooooooh coolies", grins Pietro"Can we make fun of him later".
"Not unless you want to be decapitated", says Scott.
"ARCHERS, TO THE LINE", shouts Hank"READY, AIM...WAIT FOR IT...FIRE".
The archers shoot at the target, only two arrows hitting the bullseye
"THE TWO ARCHERS WHO HIT THE BULLSEYE CAN STAY, THE REST OF GENTLEMEN YOU CAN BUGGER OFF", Hank gives a squeak"...my throat is getting rather sore".
"Do I look like I care", asks Jamie"'cause I really don't"
Scott watches as only Lance and the suspicious red-on-black-eyed old man are left. He grabs Pietro arm, who swats him off
"No touching", snaps Pietro"you're so touchy, you need to get that seen to"
"There he is", says Scott, ignoring him"The old man is N'Orleans".
"Are you sure", asks Pietro, squinting at the man"...he looks like Mark Twain".
"THE OLD MAN, MAY GO FIRST", shouts Hank.
The suspicious red-on-black-eyed old man shoots his arrow, hitting the bullseye, making the crowd cheer
"Well done", says Scott, pausing for effect"Remy of N'Orleans".
The crowd gasps, then cheers as Remy takes of his disguise
"Whoof whoof whoof whoof", shout the crowd, waving their hands in the air.
"Whoof whoof whoof whoof", chat Wanda and Rogue in a much more quieter version.
"...Why are people woofing at me", asks Remy, confused.
The Merry Mutants are watching this in shock
"He's crazy, we gotta stop him", says Sabertooth
They charge forward, only to be blocked by Kelly and Duncan
"Sorry", Kelly pauses"...ladies, it's the Royal entrance, you'll have to go round the other way".
Meanwhile, in the Royal booth, Pietro yanks Scott back to his chair
"Look what you've done you IDIOT", snaps Pietro"Now he's even more of a hero to the people!
"Lanciuka still has another shot", points out Scott
"But he hit the very centre of the bullseye", says Pietro, shaking his head"Shmook".
Scott narrows his eyes under his shades at being called a 'shmook'
"Wait..and watch..sire", he says, then adds rather lamely"... and I'm not a shmook"
We see Lance draw out an arrow and fire it. The arrow goes straight through Remy's own, hitting the bullseye. Facade looks up from the crowd, shocked
"He split Remy's arrow in twade", he shouts, lathering everyone close in spit.
The crowd cheer and run from the stands, picking up Lance, while Remy watches, confused. The Merry Mutant...err...ladies, watch as the crowd start to boo and hiss at Remy
"Aww, Remy's in trouble", he says"come on".
He grabs Kelly and Duncan in either arm and tosses them aside
"Owww", groans Kelly"...my leg".
Remy is still standing dumbfounded as the Merry Mutants arrive by his side
"I lost...I lost", Remy blinks"Wait a minute, Remy's not supposed to lose! Let me see de script".
He plucks a script from a Jamie clones hands and starts to flick through it
"Yo, Remy, man", says Kurt with a nervous laugh"time to fly".
The Merry Mutants start to be bombarded with vegetables
"Oh good, they've opened the salad bar", asks Forge.
"WAIT", grins Remy, pointing at the script"I get another shot".
"He gets another shot", shouts Kurt
"Yey", says Sabertooth happily, hugging Remy's head, making Remy squeak in pain
"Does Remy get another shot", asks Rogue, confused.
Pietro and Scott look at each other before taking scripts from Jamie clones themselves, flicking through them and sighing
"Yes, he does, he does", they groan in unison.
Caliban stands up to calm down the hissing and booing crowd
"Ssssssiressss and ladiessss. Ssssilenccce lissssten", says Caliban"Remy hasss another ssshot".
"Yey", shout the crowd.
"Letsss give him the chop", shouts Caliban.
The crowd start to chop their arms up and down, while singing.
Oh oh oooohh oh oh ohhhhh!
"Kill him, kill him now", hisses Pietro.
Scott waves rather stupidly at Logan again, who takes aim for Remy's head. He shoots his bow and Forge suddenly snaps out his hand, catching it inches from Remy's face
"...nearly died", squeaks Remy"...big..sharp..pointy."
"Remy", says Jamie in a panicky sing-song voice"...this isn't in the scriiiipt".
Remy cries and suddenly hugs Forge
"Thank you Mon Ami", he sobs.
"Ok...guys", says Forge, not one for 'hugging'"...please get him off me...".
"I am sorry, I am better now...though Remy saw de light", sniffles Remy"Remy heard heavenly voices. Remy saw his own life flash before his eyes...Remy owe Forge a beer".
"...How did you do that", asks Kurt, trying to get things back on track.
"I heard that coming a mile away", says Forge matter-of-factly.
"Very good Blinkin, well done", says Remy.
"Pardon", asks Forge, looking around in a confused way"Who's talking".
Remy gets ready to fire another arrow, Kurt leans in to read the writing on it
"Patriot arrow".
Remy grins and starts to fire his arrow, only to have Lance stomp on his foot, making the arrow shoot into the sky. Sabertooth growls and punches Lance, knocking him out. The arrow, meanwhile, turns around in the sky and comes down under the crowd, making them stand up in a demented Mexican wave. It does the same to the Royal booth and another stand before passing the target, turning around with a screech and slaming into the bullseye, smashing Lance's arrow to bits
"Yeees", shouts Rogue, pumping the air in an un-ladylike fashion.
The crowd goes nuts, while Pietro pouts and Scott fumes. Having enough, Scott stands up
"Arrest him", he shouts.
Suddenly, Calisto, Amara, Lucas and Viper appear, surrounding Remy. While Arcade, Agatha and Black Eagle drag away the Merry Mutants Scott steps down from the Royal stand
"N'Orleans is a traitor to the crown", growls Scott"It'll be so much fun to watch you hang"
"Wait", shouts Rogue, standing up.
They all pause to look at her
"What for", asks Scott.
"If you promise not to kill Remy, I'll do the most hot and lovely", Rogue winces as Jamie glares at her"...I mean disgusting thing I can think of".
"You'll dance naked in a vat of jelly", asks Pietro hopefully.
"Yes, Pietro", says Rogue sarcastically"I'll dance naked in a vat of jelly"
"Oh and what's that", asks Scott.
"Did you just not hear the jelly thing", snaps Pietro"pay attention, man"
"I shall marry you", says Rogue.
"So...no jelly", asks Pietro.
"I really hope Jean didn't hear that...ahem", says Scott"You'll be mine?. You'll give yourself to me every night and sometimes...right after lunch".
"If you're big on comas, sure", says Rogue, then holds her head up high"But only my body. You can never have my mind, my heart or my soul".
"Oh yes, yes", says Scott with a nod"I respect that".
He turns to leave
"Marian, my life's not worth it", begs Remy"Just say ney"
"Hah", says Scott"Walk this way".
He flicks his head back and struts off. Lucas, Amara, Viper and Calisto watch him, then look at Remy, all of the shrug and flick their heads back and strut off after Scott
"Send word to one and all and all and one", Pietro pauses"...that's a little redundant, isn't it".
"WHAT", shouts Hank
"Shut up, snaps Pietro"Tell everybody that before the day is out, we shall have a wedding...or a hanging. Either way, we outta have alot of fun, huh"
The crowd cheer at Pietro, and the Merry Mutants look on
"Ve are grossly out-numbered", mutters Kurt.
"Yeah, so what can we do", says Sabertooth
"Ve gotta get ze Villiagers".
"The Villiagers", says Pyro"They're not ready to fight".
"Man, ve are choiceless", snaps Kurt"Hey, Blinkin, vhats ze fastest vay to reach ze Villiagers".
"Why don't we Kitty 'em", suggests Forge
"Kitty 'em", grins Kurt
"Kitty 'em", laughs Pyro
"Kitty 'em", says Sabertooth
The Merry Mutants walk off, Forge frailing his arms around until he attaches to Kurt's tail and gets dragged along. We go to where Jason is feeding a wide-eyed and jumpy Kitty lots of chocolate and giving her plenty of coffee. He carefully puts her into a car and hands her a note as the Merry Mutants watch
"Now Kitty, take this message to the Villiagers as fast as you can", says Jason, proding her with a long stick at arms length"Now, pay attnetion, have you got it".
"Yeahyeahyeahyeah! Drivebigcar", giggles Kitty shivering in her chocolate-induced state"GoVillagers. Delivermessage. Morecaffine! Hehehehehehhehehehehehe".
Jason gulps, stepping aside, as Kitty steps on the gas, zooming off with a screech, phasing through anything that gets in her way
"Come on, lets get out of these ladies clothing, and get into our tights", says Kurt.
They all sudenly whip off their dresses...
"Strip show", grins Mystique, then winces"...wait...my son is there, noooo".
...To reveal their Merry Mutants garb underneath
"Annnnnd cut", grins Jamie
"Shouldn't someone go and find Kitty", asks Jason
"Nah, she'll just drive around until she gets sleepy", says Jamie.
"And then what".
"She'll either fall alseep at the wheel, killing thousands", says Jamie with a shrug"or she'll drive home".
"I think I'll book myself into a hotel tonight", murmers Jason"..keep clear of the roads"
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Another act done and dusted, only two more to go! I shall pick my next parody by pulling a name out of a hat, yup, should liven things up a bit, no?