It's funny that you're calling me tonight,
And yes I've dreamed of you too.
Does he know you're talking to me?
Will it start a fight?
No, I don't think she has a clue.
Well, my girls in the next room.
Sometimes I wish she was you.
I guess we never really moved on.
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name,
It sounds so sweet.
Coming from the lips of an angel,
Hearing those words, it makes me weak.
And I never want to say goodbye,
But girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel.
JPOV
A light rap on my door woke me from my fitful dreaming. At first I ignored it, thinking it was housekeeping, until I realized that the maids generally don't do their cleaning at midnight.
I rolled out of bed-literally, I rolled over and landed on the floor with a huge bang; I bet the people downstairs really appreciated that one- and crossed the dark room clumsily. I fumbled to open the door, the knob slipping from my grasp several times before I could finally pull it open. I squinted against the light, even though the hall was only dimly lit.
She was standing there, in pajamas with little sheep all over them, holding a blanket around her shoulders with one hand. The other hand held a teddy bear; I think it was missing an eye, and a little bit of fluff was sticking out of it's leg. On her feet, I kid you not, were huge, fluffy bunny slippers; each bunny had its own little batman mask. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were blood shot and puffy, and her nose was slightly red. She looked like a five year old... But she was still so. Fucking. Adorable.
"Bella?" I said groggily, rubbing my eyes and blinking against the bright light of the hallway.
"Sorry for waking you." I could barely hear her.
"No, it's, um. It's okay. What's the matter?" I cleared my throat, and opened the door wider, inviting her to come inside. She hitched up her blanket and walked into the room, shuffling her little bunny slippers. My mind lingered on the fact that she was wearing an anklet that I had never seen before. And, where did the sheep pj's come from? All I'd ever seen her wear to bed were holy sweats and t-shirts. Hmm.
I shut the door behind her, and she sat on my bed.
"I just... I couldn't be alone. Not tonight. I'm sorry." she explained, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around herself.
"Oh, Bells..." I said as I sat next to her.
She began crying into her knees- not loud, nothing dramatic. Just a quiet, almost inaudible sob. I put an arm around her and pulled her to my side; she buried her face into my shoulder, her hot tears sliding down my skin.
"Can I sleep in here tonight?" she whispered into my neck, nuzzling her face into the crook of my shoulder.
Was it insensitive that my mind jumped right into the gutter when she said that?
"Of course, honey." I said, and pushed back the blankets. I cradled her in my arms and eased her into the bed.
I sat on the edge of the bed with my elbows propped on my knees, my chin in my hands, and glanced around the small hotel room. Bella, Charlie and I had arrived in Phoenix earlier that day, and the funeral was tomorrow- or was it today? I looked over at the digital clock on my nightstand and saw that it was almost three. So just a few more hours.
"Lay with me?" she whispered, breaking the silence, and I briefly flashed back to her bedroom three days ago, when we were still in Forks. Her tone and volume were exactly the same, as were her words. I wondered whether she had done that on purpose.
Wordlessly I slid into the bed, pulling her warm little body against mine. She tucked her chin down, her forehead pressing into my chest. I began stroking her hair, curling it around my fingers. She sighed and sank down into the bed some more.
"That feels great, Jake." her voice was muffled. I rested my chin on top of her head and continued stroking. After a few moments she lifted her head.
"Distract me." she whispered. Her wet lashes glistened in the small amount of light coming through the window- in Phoenix, the moon was actually visible at night, a phenomenon I wasn't accustomed to.
"How?" I whispered back, my fingers pausing. She shifted her gaze downward for a moment, then looked back at me.
"Kiss me."
I didn't need to be told twice.
I kept my hands at the back of her neck, tilted her head up, and brought my lips to hers.
BPOV
I put a hand on his cheek, marveling at the smoothness of his skin beneath my fingers. I pressed against his warmth- I had ached for that closeness, for the feel of another heartbeat besides my own, for a while now. For whatever reason, I had felt terribly lonely ever since arriving in Phoenix, more so than usual.
One hand moved from my hair to my hip, while his other hand made its way down, slowly, from the back of my neck. He paused at the scar on my upper arm- the one acquired from my dreadful eighteenth birthday. His lips- so eager before- paused. I knew what was coming. He would ask where the scar came from, a seemingly harmless inquiry, and I would dodge the question, but it's sting would linger, and I would be left feeling like shit again.
No.
I came in here for comfort, and distraction. Not to be reminded of another person who I had lost.
I pressed my lips to his with a fierceness I knew he wouldn't be expecting, hoping that it would cause him to forget about my stupid scars. It worked- his hand continued its way down my body, stopping at my waist.
I pulled away, only because I needed air, and his lips moved to my jaw. His breath was hot and fast against my skin, and I shivered.
I pulled his lips back to mine, then gripped his shoulders and pulled myself on top of him.
"Bella..." he murmured against my mouth.
"What?" I whispered innocently, running my hands along the planes of his slightly sweaty chest. I was covered in a thin layer of perspiration, too- something I had never experienced before. I had always been ridiculously cold when kissing-
Goddammit, Bella. Stop thinking about him.
He pulled away from my kiss. "I don't think now is the best time to get all... hot and heavy."
I don't think it bothered him to say that, but I blushed deeply at the words.
"Why?" I detected a small whine in my voice.
"Well... you aren't exactly in your right mind. I would feel guilty. I do feel guilty."
I put a hand on either side of his face and pushed myself up so that I was staring down at him.
"Not in my right mind? Guilty?" I repeated incredulously.
"You're mad. I knew you'd be mad." He ran a hand down his face. "I don't mean it like that. I just mean... you're looking for a distraction. You'd do anything right now to take your mind off of... things. And if I let this go on, I'd feel like I was taking advantage of that."
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously?" I huffed. He chuckled and lifted his head to kiss me, but it wasn't with the same passion as before. I found myself pouting against his lips. "Your responsibleness is very inconvenient."
"That's not a word." he laughed quietly. I glared at him for changing the subject. "Trust me. You're all I want right now." he insisted, feeling my pout. I eased myself down, and gave him another lingering kiss. I could feel that he was telling the truth- that he didn't really want to stop.
Groaning, I rolled off of him, onto my side. I cuddled into his warmth, still desperate for that proximity. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, snuggling his face into my hair. I hid my face in his chest.
His one hand continued to stroke my hair, while the other rubbed along the length of my arm back and forth soothingly. He didn't stop until I was fast asleep.
A touch of blush, to hide the ugly gray color my cheeks were turning. (Something that usually happened when I was about to throw up.)
A sweep of mascara, to offset my bloodshot eyes.
A hint of perfume at the base of my neck and behind my ears, to mask the scent of death I was about to be immersed in.
A black ribbon to tie back my heavy hair.
A pretty black dress slipped over my head, falling just past my shaking knees.
A pair of satin black kitten heels that show my baby pink toenails, painted the day before.
A delicate white gold chain clasped around my ankle, serving as not only a piece of jewelry but a piece of Renee. It had belonged to her, but she'd passed it on to me when I was eleven.
A deep breath taken before opening the door and taking the first step towards my mother's funeral.
"I cant do this." I whispered as Jake, Charlie and I slid into the first row of pews. I refused to look at the mahogany casket in the front of the room, surrounded by flowers and pictures.
"You can." Jake whispered back, giving my trembling hand a squeeze. I shook my head as we sat down and put my head in my hands, my elbows on my knees.
"Bella. Look at me." Jacob gently removed my hands from my face and grasped my chin. I looked up, into his eyes. "You can do this."
I nodded and tried my best to give him a smile. My whole body was shaking like a leaf, my breathing uneven and shallow. There was a sick roar in my ears, and though I could see Charlie's mouth moving, I had no clue as to what he was saying. I nodded again, and hoped he wasn't asking a question. Jake's arm went around my shoulders, and Charlie's hand grasped mine tightly.
Closing my eyes, I tried to slow my erratic breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Or is it the other way around? In through the mouth, out through to nose.
"I'm sorry," I gasped as I shook them off, rising and racing out of the church before heaving my breakfast into the bushes. I retched until there was nothing left, and then sank to the gravel. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and leaned against the church wall, closing my eyes.
"Here, honey. These will make you feel better." I opened my eyes to find a woman crouching in front of me, a bottle of water in one hand and a container of pills in the other. She must have seen the questioning look I gave her, because she explained, "They'll help your stomach."
I looked at the woman more closely. A heart shaped face framed by thick brown hair. Kind, motherly green eyes. I guessed she was late thirties, early forties. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something familiar about her off-center smile.
"I know you," I blurted, "don't I?"
Her smile widened. "I didn't think you'd remember me. I met you only once or twice, when you were barely three. My name is Katherine." She moved to sit beside me, placing the water and pills in my hands.
Deciding to trust that she wasn't poisoning me, I shook two tiny pink tablets into my hand and swallowed them with a swig of water.
"You were a friend of my mom's, right?" I asked after taking another sip from the bottle.
"That's right. Back in high school we were very close. After she moved to Forks we lost touch, but when she came back home we saw each other a few times."
I nodded. I had a sort of hazy memory of her coming to the house, sipping wine and laughing with my mom in the dining room while I colored at the kitchen table. She was younger in my mind's eye, and very pretty.
"Thanks," I said, "For the medicine."
"No problem. I have three kids; I'm prepared. If you need a band-aid, aspirin, a diaper, number two pencil, or a tissue, I've got you covered." she smiled. I laughed quietly, and then my smile fell.
"Your children are lucky to have you." I murmured, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from bursting into tears.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Bella." she said gently, patting my hand affectionately.
I nodded, afraid to open my mouth.
The church doors opened and Jacob came rushing out. His eyes scanned the parking lot before he found me, crouched beside the dead azaleas.
"Hey," he said gently, and came to sit beside me.
"Hi." He put an arm around my shoulders comfortingly and I leaned against his side.
"I think I'm going to go watch the service. It was nice seeing you again, Bella. You've grown up to be a beautiful young lady," Katherine said, rising.
"Thank you. It was good seeing you, too." I gave her the best smile I could muster. She patted my cheek and went into the church.
"Who was that?" Jake asked when the doors were shut.
"One of my mom's friends from high school. Her name is Katherine. We met when I was young. She saw me sitting here and gave me some medicine." I realized I was rambling and pressed my lips together.
"Medicine?"
"...I threw up."
"So that's what the delightful smell is."
I grinned wryly.
"I've been dying to see you smile," he said softly. "For days."
"Not much to smile about, Jake." I replied. My eyes welled up with tears. Hastily I wiped them away, but not before he noticed.
"We should, um, go inside." I muttered, sniffling.
"It's okay to cry, Bella."
"No, it's not." I shook my head. He opened his mouth to object but I cut him off. "It's not, Jacob! It's stupid and silly and unnecessary and... and... well, I cant think of any more adjectives! But... you get the idea! It's not okay!" … Whoa. Where did that even come from? There was a slightly hurt look in his eyes. Not to mention, I was crying even harder now. Shit.
"People cry all the time," he reminded me gently.
"Yeah, well... they're stupid!" I realized I was shouting again and fought to control my volume. "I'm sorry, Jacob," I said after a deep breath.
"It's okay."
"I shouldn't have screamed at you." I reached up to wipe my cheeks, but his hands beat mine.
"Probably not," he said, grinning. "It's fine, Bells."
Leaning my head against his shoulder, I closed my eyes. "I don't really want to go back inside," I whispered.
"You don't have to," he said, placing a kiss on the top of my head. I nodded and interlaced my fingers with his.
We sat in silence for the rest of the service, until the doors opened and people began pouring out of the church. Charlie reached us first.
"Let's go home, kids."
"What?" I screeched, slamming my fists down on the kitchen table and rising out of my chair simultaneously. It slid across the hardwood floor with a terrible noise and I knew there would be scuff marks for me to clean later.
"Bella, please don't be difficult about this. If there was any way I could make this happen I would. But there is just no way you can transfer schools." Charlie ran a hand down his face tiredly.
"What about the reservation? Did you try them?" I demanded.
"You have to live on the reservation to go to that school, Bells. You know that."
"And you tried the Lutheran school?"
"Yes." he said, sounding like he was having a difficult time keeping his patience. "They don't accept students in the middle of the year, or students who have never been to a Lutheran school before. Are you even Lutheran?" he raised an eyebrow.
"I'm converting," I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest. "Who are they to deny me my religious needs?"
"I'm sorry, Bella. Truly, I am. I don't like seeing you unhappy. But this is your education, and it's your only option. Looks like you're a spartan for the next year, baby." He stood and kissed my hair, then made his way into the living room. I stood, unmoving, willing myself not to cry.
"Don't be a crybaby." I whispered to myself, turned on a heel, and walked upstairs into my room.
Once my door was shut and locked, I flopped down onto my bed face first. I dug around in my pocket from my cell phone, hit 1 on my speed dial, and pressed it to my ear.
"Beautiful," he said in greeting.
"Jake," I moaned miserably, flipping onto my back so I could speak clearly.
"Something wrong?"
"Charlie's making me go to school." I muttered, pouting. Jacob laughed quietly.
"And that's surprising?" I could practically hear his smile. Cute little jerk.
"He's making me go to Forks High School. I cant transfer."
The meaning sunk in. "Oh. I'm sorry, Bells." I sighed.
"Yeah. Me, too."
"Hey," he said, his voice brightening. "Have you asked about homeschooling?"
"Har har." I rolled my eyes. "Well, actually... Hang on." I pointed the phone away from my mouth so I could yell, "DAD!" without screaming in Jacob's ear.
"Yeah?" he called from the living room, not bothering to move.
"Will you home school me... Mr. Swan?"
"You're going to school, Bella!"
I brought the phone back to my face. "Damn." Jacob was chuckling. "It's not funny. I don't want to go back. What if they round up a preppy bitch gang and jump me? Try to punish me for ruining Lauren's nose job? I cant handle that. My right hook was purely an adrenaline fueled action; I'm not sure I could do it again!"
"Bella, Bella. Stop. Breathe."
"I know I'm being silly. But honestly, I am worried. I don't want to go back there alone." I sighed. "I wish you could be there with me," I murmured, more to myself then to him.
"Come to school with me," he said cheerily.
"I have to actually live on the reservation, Jake." I said. I pushed off of my mattress and began to pace.
"Fine by me. Move in with us. You can stay in my room," he said, trying to sound all seductive. I couldn't help the small giggle that burst from my lips.
"Down, boy."
There was a pause, and then he spoke again.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Right now? Um... I'm standing in my room. Looking in the mirror at my worry lines. Talking to you." I paused. "Why?"
"Come over," he said.
"Come over?" I repeated. "Now?"
"Why not now?"
"I... guess there's no reason. Okay. What do you want to do?" I asked, grabbing my keys and slipping into my shoes.
"Anything."
We ended up on the beach.
"Surprisingly, I miss this place." I said as I took my shoes off.
"Really? I'd have thought you were sick of it." Jake commented, holding his hand out. I slipped mine into it as he reached across me to take my shoes.
"Yeah. I mean, there was a point where I permanently smelled like seaweed, and my hair was perpetually tangled thanks to the wind, but... this is sort of where we connected. Don't you think?"
He nodded thoughtfully.
"Why did you ask me to come over?" I asked, curious. He shrugged.
"Just wanted to see you," he said, giving my hand a squeeze. I smiled and squeezed back. "And... I wanted to make sure you were okay." he added.
"Okay?" I repeated.
"Yeah. I know you've been through a lot- believe me, I know- and now tomorrow you have to go back to school and I'm sure those girls are going to want a confrontation and I just don't want to be worried out of my mind all day and-"
"Shh, Jake. Your rambling is scaring the seagulls." I said, laughing. He shot me a look that clearly said he did not think the situation was funny.
I pulled him to a stop. Rising on tiptoe, I stretched my neck out, but he still had to crane his own head down so that I could kiss him. For a moment, my mind lingered on the fact that Jacob was getting a lot taller; I don't remember having this much difficulty reaching his lips before.
"You don't have to worry about me, Jake. I was being melodramatic earlier." I said quietly, pulling away and kissing his cheek. "I'm fine. I can handle this."
"And you don't have to lie to me," he said, calling my bluff. "I know you're in complete freak-out mode."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said defiantly.
"No? Bella, your shirt is inside-out. You're chewing your bottom lip off. You've got that cute little crease going on between your eyebrows. Not to mention-"
"Okay, you win! I am in complete freak-out mode. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to be stared at and whispered about because not only am I Depressed Bella who got dumped eight months ago, but now I'm Crazy Depressed Bully Bella, the one who punched Lauren Mallory and has a dead mom. But there isn't anything you or I can do about it, so I'd really rather not talk about it, okay?"
He stared at me, then bent to kiss my forehead. "Okay. We wont talk about it."
"Thank you." I said gratefully, and we continued our walk down the shore.
The wind shifted around us, and the downpour began. I looked up at the sky, squinting against the rain drops pelting my face.
"Damn," I muttered, knowing that it wouldn't stop raining until well into the night.
"Come on," Jacob said over the roar of the rain. He began steering me back the way we came.
Lightning lit up the sky, immediately followed by a deafening crack of thunder. I screamed, startled by the sudden noise. Jacob laughed and pulled me closer to his side.
Back at his house I asked him for a dry shirt. He came back with a wife beater.
"This is all I have right now," he said apologetically. "All of my t-shirts are in the washer."
"It's perfect," I said. "Thanks."
In the bathroom I changed, splashed some warm water on my face, and pulled my dripping hair into a ponytail.
I found Jacob in his room, laying on his bed in dry clothes. I joined him, curling into his chest and soaking up his warmth. Absentmindedly he ran his hand up along my arm.
"What happened here?" he murmured when his fingers found the scar. "I noticed it in Phoenix."
"Oh, I don't know," I said quickly, trying not to wince when the hole in my chest twinged painfully. It had been dormant for so long, I had all but forgotten about it. "I could fill at least four books with the stories of all my scars. You really expect me to keep track?" I tried to keep my voice light, teasing.
"Looks like it was pretty gnarly," he commented. I nodded, searching my brain desperately for a change of subject.
"Let's talk about something else," I suggested hastily, placing my hand over his and moving it away. He gave me an understanding look.
"It happened with him," he said. It wasn't a question. I sighed, biting the inside of my cheek as I nodded my head. Stupid scar. Stupid me for not having the stitches removed properly, causing the scar in the first place. Stupid arm-exposing tank top.
"How did you know?"
"It's the only thing you wont talk to me about," he explained.
"I don't like thinking about... that." I replied slowly. "So I don't talk about it."
He didn't reply, just nodded his head. My eyelids began to feel heavy. In my head, I tried to figure out when I had last slept- not since the night before the funeral, with Jake. Couple that with jet-lag and stress, and I was exhausted.
"I should get home before I pass out..." I muttered. I knew I had to get up, but I found I couldn't make myself lift my own head. When Jacob didn't reply, I glanced up to see his expression. He was already fast asleep. Smiling, I cuddled closer to him and shut my eyes. Just a short nap...
When I opened my eyes my head was on a pillow, rather than Jacob's chest.
"Sorry," Jacob said from beside me. "I didn't mean to wake you up. Charlie called."
I blinked a few times and rubbed at my eyes. Jake was propped up on his elbow, smiling down at me.
"What time is it?" I said, stretching. "How long was I asleep?"
"Almost seven. We were both out for about four hours." He yawned as he said this. "Did you know you talk in your sleep?"
Crap. "What did I say?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.
"Just names. Mine, Charlie." he paused. "Renee."
I decided not to dwell on my mother. "Not so bad. I cant believe this is the first time you've heard it. I can get pretty noisy." I paused. "Speaking of Charlie, what did he say when he called?" I asked, scooting closer to him and snuggling under the blankets. Why must his bed be so comfortable?
"Uh..." Jacob looked a bit sheepish.
"That bad?"
"Just that you had to be home by ten and... that... he hoped we were using protection."
I gasped, and put both hands over my face. "He didn't!" Jacob chuckled.
"I told him we were just taking a nap, but I don't think he believed me."
"Oh, Jake. I'm so sorry." I said, shaking my head. My face was on fire.
"It's okay," Jacob said, unfazed.
"He is so embarrassing," I muttered under my breath. Jacob rubbed his thumb along my flaming cheek.
"You're so cute when you blush," he cooed. I rolled my eyes, blushing deeper. He laughed at me, and gave me a kiss. "Come on, I'm starving."
He led me into the kitchen and began making sandwiches.
"I should get home," I said after we had finished eating. He nodded, gulping down a coke.
"I'll walk you out," he said, standing.
"Hey Jake, where's your dad?" I wondered as we walked out underneath his umbrella. The rain was light, but the harsh wind whipped my hair into my face, stinging my eyes.
"Some tribe meeting I think. He left right before Charlie called."
Billy always seemed to be somewhere else. He was certainly very active for a man in a wheelchair.
Jacob opened my door, then shut it after me.
"Are you coming over tomorrow?" he asked, leaning in the open window. With all the wind, his umbrella was rendered useless, so he just closed it tucked it under one arm.
"Maybe. I have to work," I said, sighing. I gave him a kiss, and started the truck. "Bye, Jake."
As he ran back inside I rolled up the window and drove away. That was when I realized that I was going to be truly alone tomorrow.
"Maybe Lauren and Jessica both caught mono. Or they broke every bone in their body in a tragic cheer leading accident, and now they both have to be home schooled." I said to myself as I got into bed that night. Sighing, I closed my eyes, knowing that I wasn't going to get any sleep after that long nap. "Yeah, right. Keep dreaming Bella."
I did dream, but it wasn't about Jessica and Lauren. It wasn't a nightmare, either. It was about lasagna, of all things. I was in the kitchen cutting up oregano and boiling noodles, mixing sauce and spreading ricotta cheese. Behind me was my mother, chattering happily about her latest book club and looking perfectly at ease in my father's dining room. Looking back, I can't recall exactly what it was she had said, or what she was wearing, or the color of her nail polish. But I do distinctly remember her grasping my shoulders, looking me dead in the eye, and whispering "I love you, Bella. Be happy." before hugging me fiercely and walking out the front door.
"Mono. Tragic cheerleading accident. Bad sushi. Herpes of the mouth. A nose job gone wrong." I said all of this to myself as I pulled into the school parking lot, praying one of these might have happened to the preppy bitch gang during my five-day suspension. As I pulled into my usual spot, I contemplated calling myself in sick.
"Don't be a baby," I repeated to myself. "They mean nothing. They are nothing." Best-case scenario: I would be ignored all day, and could make it to work and then to Jake's without anyone getting punched by anyone. Reality: I would be whispered about, pointed at, and would probably leave before lunch.
I walked up the sidewalk, determined not to make eye contact with anyone. I had managed to make it about seven yards when I saw it.
It would have been hard to miss the huge black motorcycle parked in front of the main office.
I instantly spun around, scanning the parking lot for Jacob. I would know that bike anywhere- I had walked past it enough times at his house. It was his bike; I was absolutely positive. So where was he?
Turning back to the motorcycle, I blinked a few times, just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. It was really there. So where was he? I pulled out my cell phone and called him. As the dial tone began, I heard a familiar ring coming from directly behind me.
I whipped around and saw him. He was standing there wearing a smug grin and holding his ringing phone in the air.
"Jake!"
(A/N): I am truly truly truly sorry that this chapter took nine billion years to post. I wont bore you with the details of exactly why it took forever and a week, but just know that there is a reasonable excuse. The next chapter will be up ASAP- I promise! Review with your comments (:
I'd also like to take a second to thank my lovely Beta, TheSheWolf. She is amazing. Love you, Twin. Nuff said.
Lots of love,
ECG