Back to Reality

My New Year was spent differently. I woke on the thirty-first and went downstairs for breakfast as usual. My lessons with my father had helped me organize my memories, had helped me suppress my crippling depression. I could control my mind and my emotions; it was in my powers to do so. I would not be a slave to sad memories.

I came downstairs, the table was made with fine silverware and china, there were baskets of pastries, rolls of bread, jam and other sweet foods to celebrate the last day of the year. Also there was Bellatrix.

She came forward immediately. I could see my mother over her shoulder, looking anxious about Bella's visit. She obviously didn't like her niece kidnapping her youngest son. I could not tell what my father felt, his expression was passive, but I sensed he was listening intently.

"Bella?"

She gripped onto my arm, as if I was going to run away or something. She looked very much alive, very excited. "We'll see if I was right about you, Reg," she told me. "I think he is pleased."

Her nails duck into my arm and suddenly I felt like I was being pulled through a thin, narrow, rubbery tube.

Next, I was standing in a dank chamber with a green simmering glow, it reminded me of the Slytherin commons, but it wasn't.

An ebony carved throne stood before me, and there sat the Dark Lord.

Bellatrix released my arm.

It was thrilling to sit in the Great Hall, among crowds of witless cattle. Everyone around him thought he was just another student, but he knew better. He was distinguished amongst them, though secretly. Though his left arm was still sensitive to the touch, he could hardly keep himself from grinning.

It was the feast the night they had returned from the break. Students were chattering about their vacations, what they had seen, what they had heard, what they had done… Regulus felt his story was the best; it was a shame it had to remain untold.

He kept searching the length of the Slytherin table. Leandra had disappeared again.

The Carrow twins had picked up some gossip about Leandra's parents. "They've had to sell their home," Alecto told him. He remembered how much she loved that house, especially the garden. "The value of it went way down, due to the lingering stench of Mudblood."

Her and Amycus sniggered.

Heart pounding, blood turned cold… I was kneeling before him, my eyes cast downwards … I never felt so alive and so close to death… like an idiot I thought wildly, it would be an honor to die by his hand…

"Regulus Black, heir to the Black family fortune," I heard him speak for the first time. His high, light voice reminded me of a cold, prickly rain. "You remained strong where your older brother allowed his senses get polluted. It is… good that you remained loyal to your blood… the male heir to the last, ancient noble pureblood family, this is where you belong, Regulus."

Yes…yes… he understood me…

He glided towards me. His shadow engulfed my slight form. I wished again, I wished I were built like Sirius, strong and broad, like a knight should be, like a warrior should be. His unnerving voice beckoned me in a whisper, "Young, clever and eager to prove yourself… stand."

I obeyed without thinking, something that most have pleased him. I could not look him in the face. I stared at his feet or his long fingered white hands. I was shivering.

He laughed lightly, "From what I understand you've been an avid fan of mine for years. You collect what you can from the newspapers, though they are rarely brave enough to fully reveal my power. You have followed my career in every way possible… and yet you restrain yourself here, now, by not looking me in the eyes… and you do not speak? You await my permission." He laughed again, cherishing it.

"Are you prepared to receive your master's touch, Regulus?" he asked me. He knew the answer. He had seen into my mind, he had seen the depths of my desperation, of my thirst for my own glory… "Give me your left arm, Regulus."

I raised my shaking arm and his cold, stiff hands gently pushed up my sleeve, exposing my forearm. In the pale light my skin seemed to glow, in the winters I got very pale. When Sirius was still my brother we use to spend the entire summer outside, roaming our garden, or sneaking off into the garden of others, always bathed in the sunlight.

I shouldn't have been thinking of him then… I don't know how he popped into my mind…

The Dark Lord clenched onto his arm and twisted it, exposing my tender skin. The tip of his wand pressed into my skin and he began to speak, to chant, his voice a chilly murmur that echoed all around me.

A dark light burned from his wand onto my skin. I never knew pain like this. I dropped to my knees, screaming, screaming until all the air from my lungs escaped me… until my head swam. It felt like something boiling, something sharp, something acidy was crawling into my flesh, it was devouring everything in its way, it was coiling up and expanding from the point of his wand.

The pain lasted for ages, he was creating something living and breathing from my flesh. I couldn't see… I could do nothing but feel pain…

Then without warning, I reentered the world. I was on my knees still, looking up with my mouth open in a silent scream, my eyes bulging and staring the Dark Lord straight in the face. His face was long and sullen, his eyes gleamed red and his thin white lips curled into a smirk.

Regulus might have been the servant then, in that private, secluded chamber but amongst the students in Hogwarts he felt like the silent master. The only problem was that not everyone wanted to follow his vision.

Regulus didn't understand why the weak resisted. The Dark Lord was the strongest; he knew magic no one else did. The strong have to rule over the weak. The Muggles were weak, they were inefficient and they were their own cause of death in many incidents. Yet there were people defending them, standing in the way of progress. Standing in the way of natural law!

The weak should submit. Submissive was survival. It was sad how some refused to believe this. Regulus believed it, but he assumed it was because it was easy for him, since he was of pureblood; he was of the stronger breed.

But Andromeda had been in the same league, and she turned away. Sirius turned away.

Wouldn't they agree though, that Muggles could learn a lot from the wizarding world?

Regulus made his way back to the Slytherin commons. Twiggle was holding the Carrows back. It was concerning their lack of academic performance in her class.

With every sway his sleeves were shift ever so lightly, and when the black fabric grazed his left forearm his body stung. It had been a few days, but the pain seemed endless. Will it ever stop hurting?

But it was a reminder of what he belonged to now, he had to remind himself of that.

He was a new man now. He always imagined that when this day came he'd have Leandra by his side to confide in. She'd have loved to hear about his meeting with the Dark Lord. Even if she never expressed her desire to join the Dark Lord's legion, she always remarked how impressive his personality was.

He was powerful, in a very real way.

I was standing beside Bella; the Dark Lord was pacing before us, twirling his wand in his long fingers. Every once and a while, I couldn't resist, I would look at his face, he had the same little smile as before. "Lucius… a slippery sort of man, very useful… he is very charismatic, keeps himself well connected with the powerful… but it is too late to polish him, but you, Regulus, you are in your prime… I know you are a part of the Slug Club?" he snickered, "That old fool and his little black book, you must make good use of it. Of course many will open their doors to you, your family's wise investments in worthy causes will ensure that, but you will have to bring something to the table that is your own, Regulus."

It was everything I wanted to hear. He was asking me to contribute in a unique way! I wasn't some bloodthirsty fiend like Bella. I hadn't wasted like Lucius had! I had a special task, a special part to play…

"The young hold much potential, your friend Leandra for example," he said abruptly. I sensed Bella stiffen, excited about the final verdict on Leandra Stirling. "A half-blood, but she obviously draws strength from her good side, her pure side… You were good friends with her, until recently, yes?"

"Yes my lord."

"But you abandoned her? When it was exposed that her parents had kept that dirty secret from the entire world?"

"Yes my lord."

"You held certain affections for her, beyond friendship?"

Pause. "Yes."

He was delighted by my embarrassing honesty. "We must be careful, not to be too harsh towards half-bloods, such as Leandra. It is not her fault she was born from a Mudblood. I dare say she could be a useful asset in the future as well. But not if we treat her as rudely as we have, hm, Bella?"

"My lord, I suspected her of being a blood-traitor, I-"

"Hush, hush," he told her softly. "Did no one ever teach you? You attract more flies with honey."

Regulus made his final turn in the dungeons. At the other end of the corridor he saw Leandra, her back facing him, she was leaving the dungeons, taking the longer way to the upper levels. Regulus quickened his step, first intending to speak with her, but when he noted how agitated her walk seemed, he felt suspicious.

Where was she heading? He knew if he interrupted her then, he'd never find out.

So he slowed down, and followed her at a distance. It was amazing how all these years of friendship seemed to have made him her perfect hunter, he knew her body language all too well. He knew when to freeze, when to duck out of sight and when to hurry up in case he loses her. It was invigorating, strangely.

Maybe it was because he was a new man that he was going about this in such a matter. He could have spoken to her, asked her what was bothering her and where she was heading. But he had never played this game before, and he liked it too much to give it up now.

It was a long journey; she had to have something important waiting for her at the end of this trail. Regulus was nearly breathless between the hunt and the anticipation. A stupid thought popped into his head, what if he snuck up from behind her and embraced her. What if he just acted for once?

Maybe she wanted that. Regulus wanted to test out what this new Regulus was capable of.

It wasn't until he found them heading to the Owlry that he started to rethink how joyous this hunt could be. The Owlry didn't take letters after dinner. Why was she coming here?

She went in the Owlry, passing by the school owls, sneaking behind the perch designated for 'Inter-continental Mail'. These were the largest looking owls, and in fact some of them weren't owls, but other birds of prey. Regulus slipped between rows, his eyes looking through tail feathers at Leandra, who was looking around expectantly.

She seemed to find whoever she was looking for. "I didn't mean to be late," she said. "I had to finish some work for my uncle."

"It's all right I had these birds to keep me company," Sirius moved into sight. He was grinning.

"Birds?" she repeated, amused. "Are birds good company then?"

"Some… they've been to a lot of places. But some of them can be dull."

"Could it be that they are 'birdbrain'?" She couldn't resist the pun. Regulus wanted to know why they were meeting. Why was she looking at him like that? And why were they standing so close?

"Not your best, Stirling."

"The smell of bird feces must be getting to my head." His laugh was unusually low, hers unusually high.

"You wanted somewhere private," he replied.

"I know," she sounded a little less pleased, finally. "This is weird."

"What is?"

She gave him a tired look. Regulus was more confused. All those rumors about Sirius and Leandra… it couldn't be.

Why were they meeting in private? Why was this weird? Why were they standing so damn close!

"I mean its been about four months since we even started speaking to each other. The only time we spoke before then was to throw insults at each other," she said, Regulus was relieved to see her take half a step back. "And now this? I mean… it seems fast doesn't it?"

Sirius shrugged, "Not to me." He looked at her with slight impatience.

"How can you know you like me after four months?" she asked.

"Leandra, for the past sixteen years you thought you were a pureblood," Sirius reminded her. "Time doesn't determine all things."

"So you trust me? You think… we could work?" Regulus stopped breathing.

Again he shrugged, oozing that annoying casual elegance he possessed as he drew closer to her again, "I think we're compatible."

"Haven't you thought that about a few girls before?"

Sirius sighed, "If you want we can go back to what we were before New Years. I'm not holding a wand to your head, Stirling." Though he was breathing again, it was painful for Regulus.

Leandra frowned. "I could handle this a lot better if you weren't so… different from everyone I've known," she told him. A smile crept up on Sirius's face.

"I take that as a compliment."

"You don't play any mind-games Sirius," she said, though there was lightness to her tone. "If you played mind-games I could win, I've never played the game like this."

"There's no game, Stirling," Sirius assured her. The distance had been closed between them. He was nearly two heads taller than her. Against Regulus she was only a head and a bit shorter.

"Oh but there's always a game being played, Black," she smirked. Her head titled up and he bent towards her.

"Stop, you sound like a Slytherin…"

I watched as his lips touched her.

I couldn't be there. The problem was I had forgotten completely where I was. Turning quickly I collided with the perch of owls, knocking them over as I fell on top. Many of the owls screeched angrily and fled the coop.

"Oi! Whose there?" Sirius demanded. Regulus some how wiggled off the fallen perch onto the floor. He crawled as far as the opened door before he wrenched himself to his feet. Once he passed through the doors, the swarm of birds he had disturbed recognized him and dove at his head. He blindly waved his arms at them. He sped down the staircase, but he wasn't fast enough.

"Regulus?" he heard Leandra say far behind him.

Her voice was barely a whisper, but I heard it loud and clear. I heard the surprise, the fear, and the guilt…

But she must know, she felt nothing compared to what I felt.

I knew her for years! And I never could stand so close. I could never draw her in for a kiss. Why?

Nothing made sense anymore.

I should have been more aggressive? I should have taken what I wanted? That was what Sirius had done, that was what Sirius had always done.

Strangely the pain in my arm lessened.

It was difficult to think of Sirius as my brother. He had done me wrong. He went after Leandra knowing it would hurt me.

If only I had known the Dark Lord would accept Leandra and her brother, then Sirius wouldn't have had the window to slip through like he had then. That secret kiss could have been one shared between Leandra and me.

Why had it taken so long to realize what could have been? I knew it, all along I could… I could be with her, but I waited for someone else to tell me that. And now it was too late.