Idea from: So many people have given me this one, I've lost count!
Note: For those of you who don't know, "Natty" is my Self Insert, since so many authors do and I really don't want to make up a character any time I need one, she'll probably pop up a lot.
WARNING: Lyrics to "Baby Got Back" with a few explicit themes (heh, few) are contained. Beware.
High School
"Hello," May said. May was horrifically shy. May had just moved to Pallet Town, and her mother was making her go to Pallet Town high school, and it really sucked. Sure, it was the only high school around and if they hadn't moved they'd all live in the street and she couldn't keep her sparkly MP3 player, but it totally sucked and she wanted to go home…with her sparkly MP3 player. "I'm May. I've moved here from the Hoenn region. It's been getting hard for me-"
"That's what he said last night!" Misty cried triumphantly.
The teacher glared. The teacher had a really stupid name, something common, like Smith or Adams. The teacher doesn't really get described either, and let's flip a coin to see what gender, which you only find out when the author puts in he/she said. She said, "Misty, that isn't nice to say to our new student."
"...was funny," Misty murmured, drawing little shapes on her desk.
The teacher snapped and the girl groaned, marching up to the large chalkboard and beginning to write over and over again, "I will not make sex jokes in class (even if they are funny)." She muttered under her breath about how a boy wouldn't have gotten in trouble if he said it, and the students began to consider suicide as May began to ramble on and on and on and on and on about all her little trivial facts and horrible life. The students aren't usually described, just the important ones.
Drew had green hair and green eyes. And he was hot. Totally. And that's all you need to know. (A/N: Oh, goodness! I've used second person! And first person! My English teachers would be so ashamed. Also, I've broken the story and used parentheses! Surely I shall burn in writing hell.) Paul was totally awesome. They both wore emo clothes and listened to emo bands and were angry at society. They weren't so in the sexy way, which is getting angry and protesting and getting off their butts to do something about it. They just complain to their friends and offer no solutions.
May was intrigued (A/N: isn't that word smartical?) by Drew and his sexy green hair, which he flipped…now. Never mind that this is in the real world and one, no one has green hair and two, an emo person would die his hair black, duh. We'll avoid this. Anyone else notice that emo guys generally looks like females? Sorry, moving on.
May sat down next to some girls and they were really nice, unlike Misty. Dawn had pretty blue hair and Natty had purple ha…was her hair turning brown? Forget it. We'll pretend it was purple. A glorious purple. And they both greeted her with smiles, unlike Misty, who said mean (funny) sex jokes when May was new and she was just trying to be nice! Why was school so hard? Everything was so impossible! Life sucked!
"Hi, May!" Dawn chirped. "Ignore Misty, she's a total bitch."
"Do you want to smell my hair?" Natty suggested lightly. "I'm fascinated, because my hair smells amazing. I recently switched conditioners, and my hair smells like a fricken meadow after a rainstorm. My hair usually doesn't smell this nice, but it does today. Anyway, I'm going to need you to be loud and sit in front of me and distract that teacher so she doesn't notice that I'm doing my homework for next period."
"Shouldn't you have done that last night?" May suggested innocently.
Natty glared. "Your homework won't ever even be mentioned. Meanwhile, I have tons of homework I have to do during class!"
"Couldn't you have just done it the night before?"
Natty continued to glare. "Well, aren't you just a little genius. Why don't you take an honors class and leave us alone?"
"…This is an honors class."
Natty's face turned puzzled. "But this is an art class. I can't be in honors art." She picked up her purse and shuffled inside it, pulling out a small, tan paper. Suddenly, her eyes widened. "Oh, shit. Room four thirty two, not three forty two. Shit! My math teacher is gonna…" She suddenly giggled. "Oh, that's right. She's like Paul from American Idol. She won't care. I can just tell her what happened. Perfect."
And, with that, Natty strolled out of the room and Dawn and May filled up seven pages of girly crap that basically said that Drew was hot and he would never want her. Ever. Because he was so cool and he didn't date anyone despite that his emo coolness could get him any girl he wanted. Just to date, of course. High schoolers don't have sex. Ever. What are you, stupid? They're just kissing. Gawd, Mom, why are you reading my-?
LOL, sorry, that's the wrong rant. LOL.
"Omigod!" May squealed with joy. "There's a dance coming up! There's a-!"
May suddenly began to choke on dust, falling to her knees and coughing her lungs out. That's a hyperbole, you see, because she wasn't really coughing her lungs out, she was just coughing hard and I exaggerated. Anyway, Drew ran out of nowhere (more like shuffled his emo feet) and pulled her from the cloud of dust. She was almost unconscious, so he used CPR to save her. She blurted a "thank you" before falling into unconsciousness.
"What'd you do to my girl?!" Drew questioned with righteous fury.
Ash and Misty looked at each other, then at Drew, and slowly held up the erasers they had been clapping. This was their punishment, as they had both gone into the bathrooms with a black sharpie and wrote obscene things on the walls. They had also drawn obscene pictures. And Gary and Ash had been caught sexing up in the closest or something, the details were a little vague, but apparently they had both done things that were frowned upon.
"Why'd you do that to my girl?!" his righteous fury questioning continued.
"The school believes that punishing bad students for their bad behavior will eventually correct such behavior, and making an example out of such students will prevent others from a life of crime. It does not appear to be working." Misty sighed at the erasers in her hands. "Pity. Clapping them is actually pretty fun though, especially if you catch the wind right to it doesn't choke you but anyone who walks by. Want to give it a shot?"
"You're fags!"
Ash clutched to Misty. Misty clutched to Ash. They both gasped in outright horror. Then, Ash began to cry, clutching closer to Misty and she rubbed his back, comforting him until he could stand on his own then running over to pummel Drew into the dirt. He was helpless, screaming like a girl until she had thoroughly beaten him and held him down so Ash could get a good kick or two, and then the two scampered off before any kind of teacher could come and bust them.
May woke up just a few moments later and, when asked what happened, Drew sleepily replied, "I tried to get them away from you, but they beat me up. It was terrible."
She considered him her hero.
"Ohmigawd!" May screamed yet again, bouncing up and down with excitement. Dawn and a bunch of other girls, about seven of them that get one line a chapter because the author piled too many of her/his best friends into the story. They were backstage of a talent show, all thrilled because they were about to go and dance and sing in horribly skimpy outfits that would really make the guys cheer, because they were just so good. Uh-huh. And my dad likes the Pussycat Dolls because they can sing.
They all rushed out and began to sing and dance to this song (make sure you play it on youtube while you read it!):
[Intro]
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.
But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*
They only talk to her, because,
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?
I mean, her butt, is just so big.
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,
out there, I mean - gross. Look!
She's just so ... black!
[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!
(LA face with Oakland booty)
Baby got back!
[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*
Till the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!
Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".
[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sister, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!
(Little in the middle but she got much back) [4x]
-borrowed from azlyrics dot com
The entire audience erupted into cheers and the girls walked off with excited giggles, sneering at the small outcast group of Tracey, Brock, Ash and Misty. Each one was either considered nerdy, gay, or abusive, and they were generally avoided at all costs. But not today! May stormed up to them confidently.
"TRY AND BEAT THAT!" May screamed in all caps.
"I will!" Misty shrieked. "I will rip your face off with this whip!"
And, like Indiana Jones the girl swiftly pulled out a whip and cracked it in the air, while the other one clutched a brown bag. Inside that bag was beer, symbolizing the return of the drunk zone, very much requested. She stumbled around for a little while longer, much to the embarrassment of her friends, until she finally toppled over and they hoisted her up, Brock grabbing her legs and Tracey scooping her up under her arms.
Ash, blushing, explained, "We're, uh, not in the talent show."
May didn't really care, though, because Drew had been ignoring her all year and now faced with her wicked dance skills had fallen in love and was giving her a good make out. I won't go into depth because, frankly, I've never seen a good kissing scene in one of these fics and that's a story for another day.
Moral of the Story: Fictionally or factually, high school sucks.