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Isle Esme (Part 2)

The rest of the night I never moved from where I laid my head. I couldn't allow myself to be so close to Bella. I was fortunate that nothing happened to Bella. Even the thought of thinking of it…grief-stricken, torture and agony was all that came to mind.

Once the night crept away and dawn rose over the horrific night. I moved to be by Bella's side. No longer was her body a creamy ivory color, looking down at her naked body I saw marks of discoloration on parts of Bella's body. As the sun rose higher into the sky, I saw more clearly the marks left behind by me pinning her to the bed. I knew that by the end of the day those bruises would blister under skin.

I needed to prepare myself for the moment when she would wake and never want to be with me. After all, that I had done to prevent Bella from being hurt the one person who succeeded had been me. I took in a sharp breath inhaling her florist scent, I knew that after today Bella would finally see me for the monster that I was.

At that point, I started to think about what I would do. Would I follow her and beg her to take me back? Would I bow out gracefully and let her live her life? What if she went back to that mutt? How would I control myself from ripping his heart out?

I knew that whatever Bella wanted after last night the memory would haunt me. I knew that now matter what, I would sink into darkness and allow a new nightmare to consume me. I would leave Forks and never speak to my family again. I knew that I would never return to Volturi. I knew how much Aro would enjoy my company. Either way, I would allow myself to live with the guilty of that memory.

I gently moved Bella from where she laid to my bare chest and position my arms around her. I needed to hold on to her as long as possible. Once our bodies were touching I felt Bella's breathing become more alive. Any second now she would wake up see the damage and be terrified to be anywhere near me. Only a matter of time, but for now I needed to enjoy having my love near me.

With my fingers I softly trailed down the outline of her spine. I moved my head to the side and saw Bella's eyes slightly move as she tightened her arms around my neck. I took in another breath of her florist sweet scent. As her scent lingered in my nose and on my tongue, I continued to move my fingers down Bella's back. Hardly making contact between my finger and her warm skin. I lightly started to trace patterns on her skin. I suddenly heard Bella's stomach growling and heard her laugh.

"What's so funny?" I murmured to her. I tried my best to keep my voice at ease.

"You just can't escape being human for very long."

I didn't know what Bella meant by her comment. I couldn't stand being this close to her and acted normal after what happened last night. I became an animal last night and there was no way to sugar coat it at all. I felt Bella move and she looked up at me. I couldn't bring myself to look at her directly. I couldn't look into the eyes of my beloved and see the trust and faith she once had in me. I looked into the white canopy that hung above us. My whole body was rigid and I felt intense pressure growing in me. I knew that I needed to wait and see her reaction.

"Edward," she choked out. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"You have to ask?" my voice was hard and almost scornful.

I waited and waited to see what Bella was planning to do next. I heard nothing, but our breathing leaving our bodies. I peeked out my eye and saw a bewildered looked engraved on Bella's face. Her silence was pecking at me and I needed to know what she was thinking. How bad was my assumption? I extended my index finger and started to smooth out the worried wrinkled on her forehead.

"What are you thinking?" I whispered.

"You're upset. I don't understand. Did I…" she trailed off.

I needed to keep in mind that I couldn't lose it again with Bella. I tightened eyes.

"How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truth-don't try to downplay it."

"Hurt?" she repeated.

She sounded surprise by my sudden question. I didn't understand what was happening. It was almost as if she couldn't remember what happen last night. My inner animal nearly killed my heart, my soul, my life and she was acting utterly surprise. I raised one eyebrow and pursed my lips tighter. I saw her stretch out her body, she seemed to have a hard time flexing all her muscles but she never showed a sign of pain. I knew that Bella was trying to be brave and not show me what a horrible person I was.

"Why are you jumping to conclusion? I've never been better than I am now."

I closed my eyes and felt disgusted by the whole matter. "Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Stop acting like I'm not a monster for having agreed to this."

"Edward!" she whispered, angrily. "Don't ever say that."

I continued to keep my eyes closed. I didn't want to see terror in her eyes.

"Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I'm not a monster."

Moments passed and I heard a gasp escape Bella's lips. Damn it! I thought to myself. Here was the precise moment that I had prepared myself for her reaction or so I thought. I suddenly felt frightened. I couldn't stand the thought of her leaving me. I couldn't stand the only woman who brought me back to life and give me reason to live to leave me to my insanity.

"Why am I covered in feathers?" she said, puzzled.

For all things holy in this world, I nearly killed her and she was more worried about the feathers clinging to her skin.

I exhaled intolerantly. "I bit a pillow. Or two. That's not what I'm talking about"

"You…bit a pillow? Why?"

"Look, Bella!" I nearly snarled at her. I had lost all my restraint with her lack of realization. I took her hand- very delicately and stretched out her arm. "Look at that!"

At that point in time, Bella finally saw what I meant. She examined her arms following up her shoulder where I was mere inches from the last attack. I lightly place my hand in all the spots that showed damage to her ivory skin. Bella continued looking down her bare body until she used her free hand to jab her buriers on her left forearm. She looked like a small child observing a shiny new toy.

"Oh," she said.

"I'm…so sorry, Bella," I whispered to her. "I knew better than this. I should not have-" I made a low sickened sound in the back of my throat. "I am more sorry than I can tell you."

I meant every word that poured out of my mouth. I was going insane! I was losing every bit of my intelligence. My sweet angel with a heart of unselfish being seemed to be fine with everything. I needed to hear her true thoughts. I needed to hear that I was a monster, a soulless being walking among the living. I felt like an addict on the edge by not hearing what was honestly on her mind.

I threw my arm around my face and became a statue waiting for my sweet love to respond. It felt like I was falling into a never-ending black hole waiting for her to do something. I sat and waited to hear Bella run out screaming for help. I suddenly heard her move and I knew that she would leave without thinking twice about what happened. Nevertheless, I felt her warm hand touch my marble arm. Then I felt her warm finger wrapping around my wrist trying to pry at me, but I knew that no matter what she did I wouldn't allow her to face a killer.

"Edward."

Her sweet voice stung my inner core.

"Edward? I'm not sorry, Edward. I'm…I can't tell you. I'm so happy. That doesn't cover it. Don't be angry. Don't. I'm really f--"

"Do not say the word fine." I said with ice flowing in my voice. "If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine."

"But I am," she whispered.

"Bella," I nearly moaned. "Don't."

"No. You don't, Edward."

I removed my arms from my face and looked at her cautiously. I felt that she was trying to be brave and show me that I did nothing wrong. However, the bruises forming under her soft ivory skin told my other wise.

"Don't ruin this," she told me. "I. Am. Happy."

"I've already ruined this," I whispered.

She didn't understand the inner beast that replaced me last night and wanted her. I took a great moment and turned in to an unforgettable memory. She may not remember it now, but soon she will remember everything.

"Cut it out," she snapped.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Why was this sweet angel trying to tame the inner animal in me? I started to grind my teeth. I couldn't take Bella being so understanding at a near death experience.

"Ugh!" she groaned. "Why can't you just read my mind already? It's so inconvenient to be a mental mute!"

I felt my eyes leap out of their sockets. I couldn't believe that Bella wanted me to hear what she was thinking. Perhaps everything that I knew to be true was incorrect.

"That's a new one. You love that I can't read your mind."

"Not today."

I stared at her for a moment. Everything felt so eccentric and unusual. I hadn't quite come to understand human emotions.

"Why?"

She threw her hands in the air and I saw frustration forming on her face. Within second of her hands being in the air, I felt her warm hand against my chest. I heard a sharp smack, but fell nothing against my marble skin.

"Because all this angst would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five minutes ago, anyways. I was perfectly happy. Totally and completely blessed out. Now--well, I'm sort of pissed, actually."

"You should be angry at me."

"Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?"

I sighed. "No. I don't think anything could make me feel better now."

"That," she snapped at me. "That right there is why I'm angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward."

After everything I was ONLY killing her buzz. What about sinking my teeth into her? What about yearning for her sweet blood to please the inner animal in me? I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Bella took in a deep breath and loudly swallowed. I couldn't bare the silence between us, but I didn't want to upset her anymore then she was already.

"We knew this was going to be tricky. Thought that was assumed. And then-well, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing." she said, brushing her fingers against the bruises. She tried to make her voice soothing, but I heard the pain that lingered in very word. "I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did amazing. With a little practice--"

I froze. The muscles in my face became intense and my breathing became inconsistent.

"Assumed? Did you expect this, Bella ? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones--that equals a victory?"

She stared intensely at me for a while. I assumed that I frighten her with my ranting. Once my breathing was under control, I saw her lips part and she spoke more slowly this time around.

"I didn't know what to expect--but I definitely did not expect how…how…just wonderful and perfect it was."

Her voice dropped and she moved her eyes from my face to her hands. She whispered to me as she continued to look at her hand.

"I mean, I don't know how it was for you, but it was like that for me."

I was stunned at the last part of Bella's sentence. I moved slowly toward my Bella and placed a finger under her chin. I lightly pulled her chin back up. She didn't look up at me.

"Is that what you're worried about?" I said through my teeth. "That I didn't enjoy myself?"

"I know it's not that same. You're not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can't imagine that life gets any better than that."

I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to be unsympathetic and make my Bella believe that what we shared last night was not rewarding. I sat and waited for Bella to look at me or speak. I wanted to cradle her and tell her that everything was going to be all right. However, I still couldn't allow myself to touch her any further. I couldn't…I couldn't bring myself to act as if everything that happened last night was nothing. I figured that I would be patient and allowed her to take as long as she wanted. She finally looked at me and I felt happiness over take me.

"It seems that I have more to apologize for." I frowned at her. "I didn't dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn't…well, the best night of my existence. But I don't want to think of it way, not when you were…"

The corners of her lips were starting to curve up. "Really? The best ever?" she asked, still whispering.

I took her face between my marble hands and stared at her meditatively.

"I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made out bargain, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you." I said softly to her, as my forehead wrinkle. "He had faith in me, though--faith I didn't deserve."

I saw her lips part, I placed two fingers on her lips. I wanted her hear what I had to say.

"I also asked him what I should expect. I didn't know what it would be for me…what with my being a vampire." I said reluctantly. "Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part--you had already altered me so completely." I smiled sincerely.

"I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood." I said as my eyebrows drew together. "But I've tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent then that…I don't think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more."

"It was more, It was everything."

"That doesn't change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you did feel that way."

"What does that mean? Do you think I'm making this up? Why?"

"To ease my guilt. I can't ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes."

She grabbed my chin, leaned into me and our faces were mere inches away from one other. I felt her sweet warm breath hit my face as she spoke, triggering a dizzy spell.

"You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn't even know there as a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. I've never been so happy in all my life--I wasn't this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me…Not when I heard your voice in the ballet studio"--I flinched when she mentioned the worst memory that hung over us for so long. Bella pressed forward without thinking. --"or when you said 'I do' and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and this is better than any of it. So just deal with it."

After Bella was finished with her 'monologue', I saw a frown line along her eyebrows. I leaned into smooth out the line along her eyebrows.

"I'm making you unhappy now. I don't want to do that."

"Then don't you be unhappy. That's the only thing that's wrong here."

My sweet Bella always trying to make sure everyone around was more comfortable then she was. I tightened my eyes, took in a deep breath and nodded.

"You're right. The past is past and I can't do anything to change it. There's no sense in letting my mood sour this time for you. I'll do whatever I can to make you happy now."

Bella observed me face skeptically and I gave her a composed smile.

"Whatever makes me happy?"

I heard her stomach rumbling at the same time she spoke.

"You're hungry," I said instantly.

I was rapidly out of bed and heading for some of my clothes. I pulled over my bare body a pair of pants, stood by the door and ran my finger through my hair to release some of the feathers that remained.

"So, why exactly did you decide to ruin Esme's pillows?"

"I don't know if I decided to anything last night," I muttered. "We're just lucky it was the pillows and not you."

I shook my head, inhaling deeply as the recurring memory came rushing into my mind. I remembered every second moment; the thought that I almost drain me beloved. I fought against the memory. I forced a bona fide smile as I felt Bella looking at me. She slowly slid of the bed and stretched out her muscles. I gasp as I saw more bruise starting to form under her skin. I turned away from her, I fell the muscles in my knuckles tense and become balls of fist. I was losing all control over my breathing, I wanted to hurt myself and be released from the guilt that spun around me.

"Do I look that hideous?" she asked.

I glanced out the corner of my eye and saw Bella make her way to the bathroom. I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to be so close to someone so perfect and to damage her perfect body over my selfish needs. I slowly moved towards Bella, I saw her looking at her body and I wondered maybe this was going to be the moment that she would leave. I couldn't take the emptiness in my mind; I wanted to know what she was thinking about at this moment. I heard her groan.

"Bella?"

"I'll never get this out of my hair!" she said pointing at her head.

I saw her starting to pull out the feathers tingled in her hair.

"You would be worried about your hair," I mumbled to her.

I moved more towards her and started helping her pull out the feathers. I must admit she did look sexy but a bit silly at the same time.

"How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous."

I didn't say anything to her. I couldn't laugh at this situation. I continued plucking and trying to pull whatever I could out.

"This isn't going to work," she sighed. "It's all dried in. I'm going to have to try to wash it out."

She turned around and wrapped her warm arms around my waist. I couldn't help but smile to myself.

"Do you want to help me?"

"I'd better find some food for you." I said quietly.

I gently disentangled us and left her to be in some kind of peace. I heard her sigh as I left the room and headed for the kitchen. Once in the kitchen, I started going through the cabinets looking for breakfast for Bella. I saw some a couples of boxes labeled: cereal, pop-tarts and granola bars. I felt that handing Bella something cold to eat was not good enough. I made my way to the refrigerator and starting roaming through there it. I saw some eggs, bacon and cheddar on the shelf. I grabbed the items placed on the counter and grabbed a pan.

While the pan was coming up to the desirable heat, I started cracking the eggs in a large glass bowl. I whipped them, placing one hand over the pan and felt the heat coming off it. I dropped the eggs in pan and I quickly diced the bacon. As the eggs were starting to turn from a runny textile to a hard one, I placed the bacon on top of the eggs along with the cheddar. I took half the egg and placed it on the other half. As I heard Bella walking down the hallway, I grabbed a plate from the cupboard and placed the eggs on the plate.

"Here," I said.

I smiled at her and placed the hot food on the titled table. She sat on one of the metal chairs and I saw her shove the hot eggs in her mouth. I sat across from her and chuckled quietly to myself.

"I'm not feeding you often enough."

"I was asleep. This is really good, by the way. Impressive for someone who doesn't eat."

"Food Network," I said, as I crooked a smile.

"Where did the eggs come from?"

"I asked the cleaning crew to stock the kitchen. A first, for this place. I'll have to ask them to deal with the feather…."

I trailed off and looked away from Bella. I gazed over her head out the window and saw the ocean waves crashing against the sand. I waited to hear my beloved speak, but heard only her chewing and swallowing.

"Thank you," she said, suddenly.

She leaned across the table toward me. I knew what she wanted and I leaned in to meet her half way. As our lips came together, I suddenly became stiff and pulled away from her before she started kissing me passionately. I knew that Bella would want more physical interaction, but I would never allow the inner beast to be anywhere near my sweet Bella again.

I saw her gritting her teeth and then I heard, "You aren't going to touch me again while we're here, are you?"

I half smiled at my beloved. I hesitated and raised my hand to stroke her cheek. Her warm skin under my cold marble fingers felt incredible. I felt a wave of shock move down to my inner core. She leaned her face in my palm.

"You know that's not what I meant."

I sighed and dropped my hand. "I know. And you're right."

I felt powerless and lost at the current situation. I didn't have any idea as how to fix everything and give my sweet Bella what she wanted most in the world.

I slightly lifted my chin and spoke with a firm persuasion. "I will not make love with you until you've been changed. I will never hurt you again."

I'm sorry that it took forever to post this one, but I just got back into town two days ago. I typed really fast to get this one out.I know that some of my stories are long and I'm sorry, but I like detail. Hope you like this one.