A/N: Completing this on my phone was hard. -.- Hopefully this chapter makes any sense!
RR: Law is definitely selling off something to fund his studies XD No, this is definitely not a usual killing fic, haha! Trying to keep it as light as possible! Bepo is the designer – and Law is selfish, and doesn't like to share, so it was difficult giving Sanji that sweater, but it would be more difficult seeing the disappointment in his bear buddy lol
Naghi-Tan: :D Bepo is an unknown money source if Law lets him. He'd make a killing in kids'design!
Moony-F: Unfortunately Zoro and Sanji still clash. They're still so stubborn; and the crew mellowed out, but they were only trying to be helpful. Law is Law – he keeps his soft side secret ; ) But the secret is out in this chapter!
: : 11 : :
Hours later, Sunny had been recognized by a separate Marine patrol unit, so by the time everyone was rounded up, they were chased from the island for some time. With three ships in pursuit behind them, cannonballs falling uncomfortably close, Sanji fixed up some "rejuvenation snacks" for everyone. Ussop's wild cries of "They're getting closer!" sounded out every ten minutes, but Franky determined that each and every observation was only his panic, and not a fact.
"They'll get tired of us, soon, especially when we use that incoming typhoon as a deterrent," Nami said, sipping on her tea, pointing off in the east direction. The sky was empty of any incoming presence of such an ocean storm, but everyone held her word for it.
"It's not going to be like the last one?" Brook asked fretfully.
"Nah, this one's all natural."
"But don't typhoons normally hit against an island?"
"Huh, that's new to me!" Nami said sarcastically. "There's a large row of them to our left – are you blind?"
"I might be, considering I don't have eyes…"
"Then how do you see?"
"With my eyes? Yo ho ho ho ho ho!"
She rolled up her map and beat him with it, causing him to flee.
"He has telepathic powers, Nami!" Ussop shouted down at her indignantly, binoculars lowered. "He sees not with the eyes that we can't see, but ones that we can't!"
"That doesn't make any sense!" she bellowed back at him.
"You have to use your own telepathy to see them!"
"I do have a habit of reading one's mind," Brook added thoughtfully. "For example, I can predict with my - !"
"GO AWAY!"
"You don't have mind reading powers?" Robin asked curiously, lifting her sunglasses to look at Nami thoughtfully.
"Don't tell me you do, too!"
"I don't. But you can certainly predict their behavior before they actually react."
"What sort of nonsense are we talking about, now?" Zoro complained, walking in on the conversation.
"Having mind powers," Robin answered cheerfully. "Do you have any?"
"If I can visualize it happening, it will happen," Zoro said, concentrating on believing in himself.
"It doesn't work very well," Nami muttered, taking a seat, causing him to scowl at her. "Keep us full speed ahead, Franky!"
"Sometimes, unpredictability has a factor in it," Zoro mumbled.
"Are we talking physics?"
"But wasn't it the weather that came first?"
"Who said anything about Brook not having eyes? Obviously, he sees right in front of him!"
"Maybe it's only selective vision…"
"Not with these eyes…"
"Will everyone stop talking about 'special eyes'?"
"Sanji, what color do you think the baby's eyes will be?" Nami asked curiously. "Brown like yours? Or pretty like mine?"
"Or maybe no eyes at all, like Brook," Robin murmured, eyes widening slightly.
"He'll have eyes! We've already seen them!" Chopper roared from next to Ussop, lowering his binoculars.
"Hopefully mine, because mine can see bullshit from miles away," Nami grumbled, fluffing out her map.
Jinbei worried for the Strawhat crew – their easy-going attitude was sometimes just too troubling for him. He watched the Marines with worry, feeling that their pursuit wasn't going to be stopped by a mere typhoon. Their ships were able to withstand such forces, so perhaps they were going to choose an island to hide on until they passed. The group was so lackadaisical that it was a wonder how they were able to get this far.
"Don't worry about it, Miss Nami always has a plan!" Sanji told the fishman, passing him a drink. "If she feels we'll lose them in the storm, we're going to do it."
"This isn't the first time they've tried dashing after us, and it won't be the last," Franky told Jinbei with a scoff.
"I just fear, sometimes, for your casual attitudes towards danger. It is worrisome when you don't worry enough."
"We'll be fine!" Sanji assured him, calling out to Ussop to retrieve his drink. "Waste your time thinking about other things, like what's ahead of us."
"That's the thing, there really isn't anything we've got set in stone," Jinbei commented, looking for Luffy. "Strawhat, really, are we just sailing into battle without a plan? We must rendezvous with others just to see where we stand once we approach. …Where is he?"
"Probably napping somewhere."
"Must you people sleep every five minutes?" Jinbei cried, outraged.
"It's about time for my nap," Franky replied, looking at his watch. "You gonna cover for me, bro? Don't hold back if you feel you need to intervene in anything that might look suspicious. These kids get away with anything! Look at Sanji, sneaking out and getting pregnant without anyone knowing…"
"HEY!"
"Two of them messing around with each other in the dark…"
"Who?" Jinbei asked, incredulous.
"We have a potential traitor on-board, just waiting to stab us in the backs…for the 508th time…"
"Ah…"
"And a panty stealer…let it be up to you who it is," Franky said, shaking his head as he walked off.
Jinbei frowned after them, then looked back as several cannonballs fell mere meters away from them. Ussop screamed, him and Chopper bouncing about in panic, calling for evasive maneuvers. Nami bellowed at them both to 'SHUT UP!', while Zoro and Jinbei cringed at the volume of her voice.
"I didn't realize there was so much crime, on board," Zoro muttered to himself, wandering off with a bewildered look. Jinbei wondered if the man truly were that clueless, or just that thickheaded to the things around him.
In the kitchen, Sanji hummed to himself, trying to picture what outfits Bepo could design for the pair of them. He was astounded to actually find himself looking forward to the concept – no one had his style of fashion, and to actually share it with a mini-me; well, that actually inspired him to think positively. He was sure his child would be as dashing and 'well-mannered' as he, take on his beliefs, be more than well equipped to find All Blue if something ever happened where Sanji realized that he couldn't. Even if he couldn't complete his dream, then maybe his child could.
He wondered what Zeff would think once he turned back up at the Baratie – he was sure the old man would suffer some type of heart attack; first it would be the failure of finding the All Blue, next it would be knowing Sanji had bore the child himself.
After all, Zeff was aware Sanji had wanted to return successful, perhaps a wife on one arm –
That inspired Sanji to pause in mid-whip, realizing that this was a problem. Nami and Robin enjoyed the concept of his pregnancy because they were all friends; family. What would other women think if he told them he carried and bore a child on his own?
He was pretty sure it would be an odd thing for anyone to accept. But would it ruin his chance for a successful marriage to a woman? He didn't think so – he figured, with as grand and unusual things were in the New World, considering his background and adventures, there would be no problem finding a lady that wouldn't mind his condition.
His heart soared at the thought – he could say that he'd done all the work for her, and –
"I have an important question to ask you, Blackleg-ya," Law said, slamming the door open with such dramatics that Sanji jerked in mid-dream, whip cream sloshing over the whisk and bowl.
"STOP SLAMMING DOORS!"
"After you have the baby, will you consider breastfeeding? Or formula?"
Sanji stared at him in utter silence, his face flat. Law waited for an answer, the door swinging shut behind him as he readied his pen and book, awkwardly cradling his sword to him as canons boomed in the distance.
"Please ask me that again," Sanji said, unable to move.
"Breastfeeding? Or formula?"
"I'm not…I'm not understanding what you're asking because…you're asking a man if he could breastfeed –"
"Correction – I am asking a pregnant man if he could – "
"FORMULA, YOU ASS!"
"If we're being honest, here, I'm going to have to disagree with you on this choice you're making," Law said, ignoring Sanji's fuming expression as he continued whipping. "Logically, in a situation like this one, you should definitely consider breastfeeding because it might be very difficult obtaining formula, and even if you store it, you can't count on it to keep due to the amount of unexpected obstacles that pop up in your way – "
"I'M NOT DOING IT."
"From the appearance of your bosoms – "
Sanji clasped his chest in embarrassed horror, looking down at himself, wondering if it were as obvious as his stomach.
"Heh," Law then smirked, writing something down in his book. "'Bosoms'."
Sanji flung the whisk at him, causing him to duck hurriedly as the utensil bounced off the door behind him. He gave the cook an outraged look, and replaced himself with what looked to be book while Sanji fumed, breathily heavily.
"I'm sure you are quite capable of lactating, by now," Law continued, reappearing closer, flipping through one of the books Jean Bart had brought by and nearly causing Sanji a heart attack at his sudden appearance. "At around six months or so, does the human body start to emit the hormones specific to lactation – "
"I am not discussing this, right now!"
"Well, I think it's important to prepare, because there is the possibility that you could lactate under a distressing event, or until minimally applied pressure, so maybe you should consider a chest wrap, of some kind, to avoid embarrassing accidents…"
Sanji stared at him, then looked down at his chest. He didn't doubt that this was possible, now, but to imagine that he could…his chest did feel tender. And the shape was changing…growing…he reached up to cup himself. Law cleared his throat noisily to remind him that he was there, and Sanji slapped his hat off his head once more.
"You don't have a right to be embarrassed when it's not even you in my position!" he snarled at him.
"In the event of an emergency, you can actually use it for a weapon. An enemy might not expect it. Man's milk to the eye. That would certainly distract me."
Staring at him, Sanji sucked his lips between his teeth as a startling image came to mind – him, using his 'bosoms' similar to a cow's udder, squirting an unfortunate Marine in the eye just to make his escape. "Man's…milk…?"
"Remember, everything that you ingest the baby would, too, while nursing, so think twice about what you eat and drink as to not disturb it's delicate health – "
Sanji laughed as the image continued to haunt him. The baby jostled, and he quickly stopped as his bladder twinged. He set aside the bowl he had been holding and hurriedly left the kitchen, Law frowning after him as he retrieved his hat. Chopper burst in seconds later with a huff.
"Without me?" he cried.
"You were busy."
"What is this about?"
"Breastmilk."
Chopper stared up at him with doubt. "Ah?"
"I am pushing the pros of breastfeeding."
Outraged, fur ruffling, Chopper cried, "There are no pros for a man to breastfeed. It should be formula! It could be adjusted, according to the baby's needs."
"There are severe consequences to that theory – "
"There are none! None! My concoctions are rendered with care, and because it is food, I will have no problem generating the exact formula to this baby's needs!"
"You should not play god with a baby's food. Breastmilk is all natural, and guaranteed to adjust and fit the baby's needs according to shared biology - "
"This is not about playing god, this is about giving that child the very best of what it needs to fit Sanji's schedule! Because he is a pirate, he can't be expected to breastfeed on a timely manner! What if we need to babysit upon emergency?"
"He can pump it beforehand! Store it! Don't argue with me, or I'll put you in the oven."
"That is preposterous! You can't expect milk to keep in the freezer! Do you realize who we are as crewmembers? We'd end up feeding that baby milk popsicles because none of them will remember to heat it properly!"
"How dare you call yourself a competent medical professional - ?"
"Breastfeeding is out of the question! Furthermore, Sanji is self-conscious of his appearance, and will want his body back as soon as possible – if he breastfeeds, he'll have boobs for months until the child could be fed solid food!"
"If he can hide a pregnancy for this long, he can hide a pair of boobs. Just lift weights, it'll look like he enjoys chest exercises."
"But what if he wants to date?"
"I can't answer that, because that's not a theory I'm exploring right now. See, here, in this journal, men carried their off-spring with them everywhere in order to do so – "
"This is not something Sanji is allowed to do because of what he does! He's not an islander, doing chores to sustain life! He's fighting to live! A baby will not be involved in that type of scene!"
"He must follow the code, here, in order to raise a healthy child! And stop interrupting me like you know more than me, you little beast."
"Both of you, out of here! This is my private place, my sanctuary!" Sanji demanded, marching in, slamming the door as he did so. "I don't want to hear about that, right now, because - !"
"Sanji, reconsider breastfeeding," Chopper said hurriedly, hooves together in prayer form. "You can't do it in public. They'll want you to cover up because other people will be embarrassed, and it's incredibly unfair to the mother and baby because it is just feeding, but everyone freaks out about naked boobs being exposed to feed, and – "
"They can't make you do anything in public, and it's an all-natural alternative to the chemicals they now use in formulas, anyway!" Law huffed. "And if they say anything, just kick them."
"It would be strange to see a man doing that in public," Sanji said flatly, returning to his whisking. "Do you have weird fetishes?"
"Sanji, are you doing it, now?" Chopper asked curiously, looking to his chest. "Because I have some pads left over from when Nami forgot to stock up last island – "
"Now that we're on the subject of bleeding women – "
"We're not!" both Sanji and Chopper cried in unison.
Law sighed heavily, scratching out whatever it was he wrote.
"That has nothing to do with me, does it?" Sanji asked warily, pausing in mid-whip.
"Well, it was mentioned in their journals that a man will bleed to signify that he is ready for another implantation – "
"From where?"
"It'll appear monthly as a kidney problem."
"Oh."
"Sanji doesn't plan on having any more than this one," Chopper told him. "That thing will be removed indefinitely from his system right after the birth of his child."
"It'll prepare him for the next – there is no removal."
"You'll remove it when it's born!"
"But what if he's ready to settle down with a future partner – ?"
"Then she'll have it!" Sanji yelled, throwing the whisk into the sink. "And that's the end of it!"
"You don't seem the type to allow a woman to do all the work," Law pointed out. "What if you fall out of love once she starts neglecting herself, citing her children first?"
"That's not going to happen!"
"That's only considering if you can find a partner in the first place," Law then mumbled, adding a note.
"I will find another partner!"
"One that'll leave you when you take on another's responsibility?"
Sanji snarled at him, setting the cake down hard in front of him, slamming the oven shut. Chopper slapped Law's knee, causing him to wince.
"Why are you so mean?" he cried.
"I'm not one responsible enough to mince my words. Listen – "
"Wait," Sanji interrupted, leaning over the counter with both hands. "Since when are you thinking of it as a 'baby'? Weren't you just insisting on it being a 'monster' moments earlier?"
Red filled the older man's face, Chopper's mouth dropping open with realization. Quickly, Sanji snatched the book out of his hand, and flipped through the meticulously kept notes while Law sputtered. He gasped noisily at the drawn images of a baby in cutesy animal clothes, in hoods with ears with them. Even tail attachments. Law switched the book out of his hand with the bowl he'd abandoned, red up to his ears and neck as Sanji roared with laughter, Chopper jumping about, trying to retrieve the book Law now held tightly closed to his underarm.
"You're so weird!" Sanji laughed, setting the bowl of whipped cream aside. "You have a one of those 'cute' fetishes, don't you? Pervert."
"It's still a monster, it's still a leech taking away from your lifeforce, unnaturally!" Law sputtered, trying to regain his dignity back. "And Bepo made those, not I -!"
"Those are your drawings! Oh my god, you intend on stealing away with my child, don't you? You've got another thing coming! I swear, I will intentionally lose myself in the woods somewhere, when it's time, and carve it out myself!" Sanji threatened him.
Chopper gasped. "NO! You can't risk that!"
"It can't be different from carving into animals before disemboweling them for food," Sanji muttered thoughtfully, considering his knife collection.
Both doctors looked horrified.
"I'll do it, too!" he added, picking up a knife meant to strip scales from a fish. "And you'll both regret your diabolical plans!"
"I'm not the diabolical one!" Chopper roared.
"Of course, being so lost in the woods just to escape the thought of having my child taken away, no one might find us in time, and it'll be on your hearts for what you threatened of me."
"Ugh, fine, I won't steal the baby right away," Law conceded, clutching his book. "But I can't answer for my crew. Bepo has a sense of smell that can take him across freezing temperatures to the slightest detection of blood in the stillest of air, so I'd use him to track you, no matter where you go."
"And I have your Vivre card, jack-ass!" Chopper snapped at Sanji, his heart beat returning to normal.
Sanji just chuckled at their resolve. "I'm getting more excited about it, now. About having it? I'm imagining all the things I can share with him about myself, and our future together. Pretty sure, with his upbringing, he won't be the little shit I was."
"I wonder what your family will think of him?" Chopper asked, trying to picture the Vinsmoke siblings' reactions to Sanji's baby. But all he could think of were the brothers trying to eat it, while the sister being the only one happy for him. The image was terrifying, and he was pretty sure it was only what he'd seen of them on Totto Land that influenced the eating part…
"They're not allowed in my life to know," Sanji answered shortly. "Only Reiju will be allowed to approach."
"So, you're not close to your siblings?" Law asked with a frown.
"Which is why I don't want a sibling for him."
"Dramatics."
"YOU'RE THE DRAMATIC ONE! They tried to kill me!"
"Anyway," Law said with a sigh, holding onto both sword and book in one hand, lifting that arm high as Chopper tried to snatch at it, "before I get sucked into a black hole, please consider the benefits of feed after the baby is born. Even in the woods afterward, formula isn't readily available."
"Quit trying to make me follow the instinct of your sick fetish!"
"Because of the months wasted on your smoking habits, consider eating more. Limit standing. You're rubbing your back more, the weight is because the – little thing is growing faster. You're going to become more clumsier with the weight shifting. Check-ups will need to be planned more frequently. You'll need more vitamins."
"I got that part covered!" Chopper assured him hastily.
"I'll go and tell Roronoa-ya to be more gentle with you when you have your little arguments," Law then added, walking off, Sanji looking after him with dismay. He grabbed a knife and threw it at his back, but the bastard used the door to catch it before letting it swing shut behind him. Chopper sighed heavily.
Canons continued to boom in the distance, but Nami's voice lifted, shooting out commands to the others to hit the storm head on.
The next morning, Sanji forced himself off the couch, and sluggishly made it to the bathroom in time. Afterward, he saw that his stomach was more rounded, and definitely heavier, and he ran his hands over it thoughtfully before he took the time to freshen up – shave, comb, apply, and changed into the puffy floral shirt and modified trousers. True enough to her word, Nami's plans to deter the Marines had sent the fleet elsewhere into the islands, and the Sunny was streaming, uninterrupted, ahead. The day was beautiful, and though his mind was groggy, he was grateful for it. His back ached, and he rubbed at it as he shuffled his way to the kitchen, thinking about breakfast.
He saw that Zoro was already in there, having served as nightwatch, and was serving himself some leftover ale and a loaf of bread.
"Good morning," Sanji said cautiously, trying to determine his mood. Zoro just frowned at his task, and took his things to the table to consume. Sanji frowned after him, and grumbled to himself as he sought what he needed from the pantry. Once he had enough potatoes to work with, he lugged them to the counter and began skinning them.
"So, what's on your mind?" he asked, staring on his task. "What's going through that green head of yours? Besides wondering if you'd been watered enough?"
Zoro continued eating without answering, and Sanji sighed heavily.
"Look, enough is enough. Can we just…forget about things and move on? Like, how long is this going to last with you?"
"I don't feel like talking to you, right now."
"Fine, well, I'll just talk at you, then. I'll fix this, somehow, just talking aloud to myself. You're mad at me because I took on a feminine role to you. Because you feel I'm abandoning my dream. You thought I was your equal, which was why you took me on in the first place, and…I know it wasn't love, or anything, it was just…seeking out a sort of…affirmation," Sanji said quietly, pausing in mid-action. He knew he had Zoro's attention, because he could feel the death stare in his direction. "Honestly, it doesn't hurt like it used to, so…I guess I moved on from it. I just…want our friendship back. It's awkward, having this space between us, now. Having the others make jokes about it must get to you, too, huh?"
"I made a mistake, in a moment of weakness. It won't happen again," he heard Zoro mutter, chugging away at his ale.
"Like, are you more mad at yourself, or…? I just want to remind you that you started this. And I don't understand why you're treating me like shit because of it! You think I'm just going to rip your character up to shreds because I – had this happen to me, and you think I'm going to be bitter, or something? It's not fair that you're such an asshole towards me. Like, I get it."
"I don't know what you were expecting, but it wasn't going to…be anything. When I found out what you did, it just…divided everything, for me," Zoro mumbled.
"There was a reason why I did it, and I still regret it! In the end, we're fine. All of us," Sanji muttered, chopping away. "I didn't betray the crew with this choice, either. I just don't…like, understand why…and knowing you, you're not even going to try if I explained it – "
"There you go again, thinking I'm too much of an idiot to even 'try to understand'!" Zoro snapped at him, refilling his mug.
"Once I knew I was having a kid, I couldn't kill it. Alright? Yeah, I had to settle in with the reality of the situation, but I can't just stand by and let something like that happen for my own comfort! Shit happened, I'm just dealing with it. You chose to abandon me because it's not a role comfortable for you to handle – "
"As a man, we weren't given the task of bearing children. Rearing them is fine, but to bear them ourselves? It belongs to a woman. With your Okama track record, it would make sense that you'd choose to do this."
"It has nothing to do with Okamas, and everything to do with me as a fucking person! You're so fucking thick, moss, you don't get it, by now," Sanji snapped, rising to the stab instead of recognizing it as what it was. "You know everyone just fine on this fucking crew, and you don't even bother to get to know me. You're the worst."
"I don't need to! All I need from you is dependability, that you'll actually be there for them when I can't! And now, you can't!"
"That is ridiculous…"
Zoro exhaled heavily, glaring at his mug. He wiped his face. "Maybe I am, I don't know…I'm…angry, and I don't know why."
"You have a million reasons why, and you can't sort them out, so you just…continue fucking things up with me to make yourself feel better – "
"I don't! I don't feel any better than I did back then!"
"Then just stop! Stop! If it's not getting you anywhere, then there's no point in being mad, anymore! If you can't sort it out within yourself, then there is no point putting effort into the matter! I'm not the type to give secrets away, and I already told you, I'm over it, so it's not like I'm pushing you into something you don't want to. Just…get over yourself."
"But it's not fair putting this expectation onto the crew like you're doing – "
"Why is it important, masculinity? What's so important to you that you'd think I'm worthless for taking this role?" Sanji asked curiously. "Oh, wait, don't answer. Because I'm not in your position, I know why it sucks for you. You don't feel like a man yourself because – "
He ducked the mug flying his way, and cautiously peered around the counter to see Zoro storm out, slamming the doors as he did. Sinking to the floor, Sanji glared at the surface, knowing that had been his fault. He shouldn't have said that – it was an extra sensitive barb to the side. But he couldn't resist because Zoro kept fighting him.
What the hell had they seen in each other, back then? Back when he was fighting the effects of the Okama way, why did he agree to this side of their spontaneous relationship? Was it because he was lonely? Because he was twenty-one and lonely, and couldn't conduct himself properly in front of women?
But why did Zoro do it? To prove he was 'man enough'?
During his check-up later that day, taking refuge in Chopper's office while the others fought over what remained of dinner, Sanji asked Law, "What causes erectile dysfunction?"
"Pregnancy."
"Idiot, for a man, what causes it? Normally?"
"Most causes, it's the absence of any sort of sexual activity," Law said, looking at the amount of amniotic fluid he was taking from the Tobbleborg, and then withdrawing the needle. "The penis is a muscle, right? It's not a 'bone', contrary to what most pirates think, those nimrods. If it's not used, what happens to muscle?"
"Atrophy? But how is that possible?" Sanji asked, incredulous. "How could one not want to, er, exercise it?"
"Throwing away one's sexual needs, or depression, or just…not being interested in the manner. Too much alcohol, for instance. Smoking."
"I never had a problem. Obviously."
"Why is this even being asked?"
"Just curious. So, if it's, uh, exercised, it'll be fine? How does that work?"
"Well, it's another muscle, and if you want it to respond, then you'd have to, right?"
"What if it can't?"
"Then it's a medical issue."
"I mean, it was, then it would just…deflate. So…"
"Maybe it just needed another type of exercise. Lifting weights, helps."
Sanji couldn't help but imagine Zoro lifting weights with his penis. A strangled chuckle left him, and he coughed to cover it up.
"If all else had failed, then it's a medical issue. With my crew, I administered vasectomies, because I didn't want anyone leaving a child behind while they traipsed around, and in doing so, some of them lost their will to want," Law continued, more interested in the amniotic fluid than the subject he spoke about. "Ah, look, it's producing waste. Merconium."
"No wonder they hate you."
"Better than depositing children in their wake."
"What about you?" Sanji asked curiously, trying to picture this man frequenting brothels.
"None of your business."
"You were just fondling my breasts a minute ago. I'd say we've passed some boundaries."
"That was procedure, not - ! Anyway," Law huffed, mortified, "why are you asking?"
"Just curious. So, if one can't make a deposit," Sanji then added suggestively, "then does that affect their testosterone?"
"ED is caused by a variety of things. I doubt it's low testosterone in any case on this freaking ship," Law muttered, intending on drawing blood. "I need to check for any possible defections in the fetus. Hold still."
"So, just a lack of exercise, then," Sanji thought out loud, furrowing his brow once he felt the prick of the needle. "That makes more sense. It's curable."
"Depends on the person."
"Yeah, I doubt it'll ever be resolved," Sanji said, trying to imagine Zoro asking anyone for help regarding it. "For someone that doesn't see sex as necessary, it might be a struggle."
"Of course, it also depends on the material used to attempt an erection. Maybe you were just engaging with the wrong partner."
"Ah," Sanji muttered, thinking about their fumbling attempts. "Maybe…but…I mean, it worked. The moment. Maybe I was too pushy…"
Law studied him for a few moments, then said cautiously, "If he wants help with it, he could have spoken to the reindeer."
"Listen, this goes no where. I was only asking to…understand."
"It's not uncommon. Especially if one isn't of the mind to think that sexual relations is important."
"Like Luffy?"
"Strawhat-ya? No, he's fine."
Sanji looked stricken, looking at him with a horrified expression.
Law's expression told him he was busy revisiting the war trenches, seeing something truly awful in the distance.
"With…you…?" Sanji ventured, hand to his mouth.
"NO! But I'm telling you, this crew is not lacking with testosterone! He needs to stop yelling out his attack methods in the night, he's waking people up."
Sanji was absolutely bewildered, ill, and shocked, much as a parent would upon the revelation that their child was involved in sexual activities. Law cleared his throat noisily once again. "Anyway, we're done, here. These tests will determine whether or not something isn't right, but the only problem lies in the months of smoking you underwent while with child – it's weight is still considerably lower than it should be, considering the amount of nutrients it was denied while growing."
"It – it – it's not like…I will…I will be the only one…having a baby?" Sanji pressed, horrified at the thought that Luffy was hooking up with either one of the ladies. Then grew outraged, temperature soaring. "NO! NO NO NO NO NONO!"
"Calm down, they're consenting adults."
"Not with my precious ladies - !"
"It was difficult locating a suitable condom to fit the needs of Strawhat's considerable power, but I was able to do so."
The words that left Sanji were undecipherable, so Law put his distress out of his mind, looking over the samples he'd taken from the pregnant man. Chopper burst in at that moment, frothing at the mouth.
"AGAIN?" he snarled, whip cream visible at the corners of his mouth.
"You can't look at my notes," Law told him stiffly, holding an arm over his books in front of him.
"Unbelievable!"
"Blackleg-ya, it's not up to you to fix him," Law added.
Huffing, Sanji pulled on his shirt. "I was involved, so it's my problem, too."
"And it's already going so well."
"He's my…friend. I don't give up on my friends."
"Waste of time, if you ask me," Law said, holding Chopper at bay with a boot to the reindeer's hat, keeping him from advancing. "I don't know who is more stubborn out of both of you. It's going to affect the monster. It'll probably turn him blood thirsty."
"Yeah, right," Sanji sighed, rising up from the bed with an automatic reach for his back. "Chopper, you have anymore of those heating pads? My back is killing me."
"I sure do! Also, I wanted to ask you," Chopper said, rummaging through some of his drawers, hooves moving quickly through his supplies while Law gathered up all his notes together, "the correlation of your frequent napping with the understanding that the Tobbleborg sucks up your energy, could it be that every time you overexert yourself that the Tobbleburg could be responsible for maintaining the strength it needs to keep the baby safe? You're able to penetrate it with your needles, Law, right?"
"The Tobbleborg will respond to force or threat by maintaining a strong, impenetrable shield, but it needs energy to do so, so your theory on his napping habits is a good one."
"But how - ?"
"It recognizes that I am not a threat. So it allows me to investigate."
"It recognizes our voices, doesn't it, Sanji?" Chopper asked, retrieving a heating pad and peeling off the back while Sanji turned his back to him. Chopper applied it to his back, and Sanji heaved a breath of relief once he felt it.
"Yes."
"How does it respond to Zoro, then?" Chopper asked curiously. "Because you two only fight."
Sanji shrugged again. "I don't notice. I swear I had this conversation before…"
"I'm sure it's more fearful of the father than it is the mother," Law said, taking his things with him as he emerged out onto the deck, Sanji snarling after him. But he settled because Law was only maintaining his distance, as to not share information with Chopper, and, childish as it was, the things they had spoken of shouldn't be for anyone else's business. So he let it go.
"That might make sense," Chopper muttered thoughtfully. "A child is certainly more respectful towards a male figure than a female one."
"CHOPPER."
"Because he knows you won't punish him, or be outward with him! And the male figure of the relationship will hold no such boundaries! It's logical!"
"I don't think that's how it works," Sanji said, shaking his head. "Zoro is not the father."
"But he's the one you argue and tense up with the most, so, the baby probably understands that." Chopper tapped his hooves together fretfully. "I just hope he doesn't fear or find Zoro a threat once he's born. Zoro is a nice guy, but both of you together are just…opposite forces. We shouldn't start off that sort of relationship."
"I'm working on it," Sanji said wearily, emerging into the dining room and seeing the mess awaiting him. "YOU BASTARDS! I leave the room for five minutes, and it comes to this! ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES – excluding you beautiful ladies, of course – CLEAN UP THIS SLOP! Were all of you raised in a goddamn barn?"
He ignored Luffy's upraised hand. But then again, he tried not to look at Luffy after what he learned. He might be tempted to kill him.