I hope you will forgive me for the long wait. I will admit it, I am a very lazy person, and I already have the next few chapters written out. But I won't give anything away, so enjoy it!
P.S-you may cry reading some of this.
And im sorry its so short. The next chapter will be longer :)
They're signing was in the mall by RT's Music Store. The boys were really excited for this, especially James. He wanted to be around fans to prove to himself that they really didn't hate him.
They sat same as always, Kendall first, then Logan, then Carlos, then James. James put on his smile for everyone and pretended like he wasn't tired, unhappy, and completely worn down. But when James saw all the fans, he smiled for real. Maybe people really didn't hate him after all, he thought. Maybe people really did like him.
When the first few fans came to them, they were the usual crying, 'oh my God I can't believe it' fans. James especially liked the littler girls who freaked out, because he thought it was so cute.
But when the girls got down to James, they really didn't say anything to him. They just handed him the poster and after he signed it. He asked them how they were doing, but they didn't answer. They just walked away, talking about, 'How Kendall held my hand!' or 'How Logan's dimples are so cute when he smiled!' or 'Carlos called me beautiful!' James frowned, but took a deep breath and went on.
Things didn't get much better at all. Only a few fans out of the hundreds that were there told him they loved him, or even tried to talk to him. The others didn't even seem to care. They were just too focused on the other three guys.
At one point, towards the end, a girl went up to Kendall and handed him a cute little blue sparkling gift bag. "Can you give this to Kyle please? I'd really appreciate it." She said.
Kendall smiled. "Sure thing, darling." He replied. The girl grinned from ear to ear after Kendall called her 'darling'.
James' heart literally broke in pieces after the next girl. She was about 15 years old, and was excited to meet Big Time Rush. She sounded overjoyed just by the way she talked to the other guys. But when she got to James, she frowned at him.
"No one likes you." She said. James' heart broke, but he tried not to show it.
"Now, why would you say that?" James asked.
"Because it's true!" The girl continued. "You don't deserve to be in Big Time Rush. You and I both know Kyle should take your place. Just go, just leave. No one wants you." She said, and she just walked away from him. James felt like he was going to cry, and a single teardrop fell down his face. Carlos glanced at James out of the corner of his eye. He overheard EVERYTHING.
After the signing they all went back into the car to go home. The other boys were admiring the wonderful gifts their fans made them.
"I love our fans. They're so kind, and beautiful." Kendall said, taking out a letter from one fan and reading over it.
"Agreed." Logan said.
James sighed and looked out the window. All the girls he met today gave him bracelets, and he loved them very much. Every one was special to him. But no matter how much he thought about that, he still couldn't shake the words of that one girl.
"No one likes you. Kyle deserves to take your place in Big Time Rush."
"Just leave, just go. No one wants you."
"Kyle got quite a few presents too." Kendall said, interrupting James from his daydreaming. He wasn't really paying attention to what they were saying.
"So many people really like him. He'll be really happy." Logan said. James tried to hide the pain that those words brought to him.
When they finally reached the Palm Woods, James got out of the car without the other guys and walked ahead in silence.
He saw Mrs. Knight waiting outside for him. "You have an appointment soon, I made one after you left. You ready to go?" She asked. James nodded and got into her car.
"Where's he going?" Kendall asked as the two drove away. Logan shrugged his shoulders. Carlos knew. He knew everything. He just didn't say.
Upon arrival at the doctor's office, Mrs. Knight checked them in and a nurse came in and escorted them to a room. "Just back here." She said, letting them in. "The doctor will see you in a few minutes, James." And he and Mrs. Knight were left in silence.
"Are you feeling any better?" Mrs. Knight asked James.
"Not at all." James said. He grabbed his head. "I think I actually might feel worse, if that's possible."
Before Mrs. Knight could say anything, the doctor walked in. Doctor Hollywood was out that day, and a tall, dark haired lady was taking his place.
"Now, when you called, Mrs. Knight said you were having trouble sleeping, is that true?" She asked James as she did the typical routine doctor check ups: like checking his eyes and his breathing.
James yawned, rubbed his eyes, and said, "Yeah, I've barely slept at all the past few days."
The doctor rubbed her chin. "And how long has this been going on?" She asked.
"A little over a week." James replied. "I just keep tossing and turning and can't sleep no matter how hard I try or how tired I am."
The doctor thought a moment. "Have a lot of things been on your mind lately? Have you been under any stress?" She asked.
James nodded. "Definitely, a little too much stress." He replied. "And even days when I'm not feeling so bad I can't sleep. The longest I've slept these past few days was about three hours, that's it."
The doctor nodded. "You know what I think," She said. "I think you have insomnia."
"Insomnia? What's that?" James asked.
"Insomnia is the inability to sleep." She said.
"Then I definitely have it."
"How hard is it for you to fall asleep at night? Like what happens, what's running through your mind? And what do you do when you can't sleep?" The doctor asked, scribbling some things down on her clipboard.
"Well, it's like something is keeping me from sleep. Like when I try to fall asleep, even when I'm tired, I just can't do it. Especially when I'm under a lot of pressure. Just all my problems come rushing to me the second I try to fall asleep, and I just can't. Then when I can't sleep I either just sit on the dark or just lie there trying to fall asleep. It's really hard…" James said, trying to say everything that was on his mind.
The doctor nodded as she scribbled some more things down on her clipboard. "Well," She said, "Taking what you've described to me, you definitely have insomnia."
"How can we help him?" Mrs. Knight asked.
The doctor looked at the two of them. "Well, I suggest putting him on some sleeping pills. That should help him sleep at night. He'll have to be put on it for about two months, but if he really improves during that time, he can be taken off of them. I just need you to fill out these papers and we can get him tested for some medication."
She handed Mrs. Knight some papers. "Now, if you'll come with me." She said to James. "We can get you tested a little bit and see which medication you'll need." James followed her out the door and down the long hallway. He didn't say anything. Medication, he thought. I'm going on medication for something I probably can control, if I really tried.
On the car ride home, James was silent. The doctor prescribed him to sleeping pills. He'd have to take one each night before he slept, or whenever he couldn't sleep. James felt stupid and didn't say anything. Neither did Mrs. Knight. When they reached the Palm Woods, James got out of the car without her and walked away.
He couldn't get over everything. The rude twitter comments that kept pouring and pouring in, the desertion from fans, the rude fan, Kyle being mean to him, and now sleeping pills. It was all coming onto him so much he couldn't take it.
Kyle was walking into the Palm Woods just as James was. James decided now would be the perfect time to confront him about how he's been acting. "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" James asked, walking up to him.
"Um, sure." Kyle said, doubt in his voice. James pulled him aside, where no one could see or hear them.
"I really want to know what's going on with you. Your attitude is changing, and I want to know why you're doing this to me." James said. Kyle rolled his eyes. "You see! That, that right there. I want to know what's up with you. We were great friends when you first came here! What happened?" James asked.
Kyle's mood suddenly went from 'I don't care' to really angry. "You know what's up with me, James?" He said, taking a step forward. "You always had everything you wanted, always. I never liked you. I deserve to have the fame you have. You don't need it. We all know I'm better than you, says so twitter."
Kyle held up his phone, showing James numerous tweets about him, all negative. Some even told James to go kill himself.
"You really don't belong here." Kyle said, putting his phone in his pocket. "I have more talent than you'll ever have, I'm even gaining all your fans. Your Worldwide Girl even." Kyle said. He showed James a bracelet Julie had apparently given him. It looked exactly like James', except with Kyle's name on it.
"Just face it, you're talentless and stupid. Clearly, no one wants you. Just leave me alone, James. Just leave everyone alone." Kyle said, and he walked away, clearly pleased with himself. Tears flooded James' eyes. He didn't know what to say.
He ran up to the apartment and straight to his room. That was when James Diamond started crying. Never would anyone ever think that he would be the one to cry, but here he was, lying down on his bed sobbing.
Was there any way to relieve all this stress? James didn't think so. Nothing he could do would take all the hurt and pain from him. So many bad things have happened to him, he just couldn't take it. And now his friend turned on him. Kyle never really was his friend, James thought. He was just using him.
He got up and ran to the bathroom him and Carlos shared. He sobbed as he tried looking in the mirror. He looked like a train wreck. His face was pale, his eyes red from crying, exhausted. He did not look good at all.
He knew of only one way to relieve him of stress. He heard of people doing this before, but he knew it was wrong. But what other choice did he have?
Quickly, and without thinking, he grabbed a razor out of the cabinet and took the first, harmful cut into his skin.
James couldn't believe what he had done.
Blood immediately started pouring out of his arm. Panicking, he grabbed a towel. Droplets of blood started going down his arm like a tiny little river. He cleaned up the river of blood and pressed the towel against his wrist to stop any more blood from flowing out. His heart was beating rapidly and his mind raced.
"Why, why did I just do that?" James asked. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth in pain. His wrist hurt like hell, he couldn't believe the pain. "Oh God, this hurts." He said, starting to cry.
He took the towel off his wrist to take a look at it. He winced as he saw more blood immediately start coming from the cut as he took the towel away. The towel, which was once white, now had a huge red blot on it. Little drops of blood were now on the sink. James wet another towel and quickly cleaned that up.
"Ow, ow, ow, ow," James repeated as he held the towel against his wrist. He knew he was in pain, he knew he was struggling, but why did he have to pick that way to relieve it?
What he did was just plain stupid, he thought. He just cut himself because he was suffering from emotional pain that was just him over thinking. What was wrong with him?
But then he got to thinking. When he cut, all his emotional pain stopped. He forgot about Kyle, the fans, the pills, the hurt. It all went away, and James felt a little bit better. He stopped crying and was now taking nice, deep breathes to help him calm down. He looked at his wrist. The bleeding had slowed down a little.
That wasn't so bad, James thought. The physical pain only lasted for a few minutes, and it wasn't as bad. I forgot all about my troubles, and that felt nice.
But James almost slapped himself. "What are you thinking, Diamond? You're happy because you just cut yourself? That's ridiculous!"
But then James thought a moment. It really did help his emotional pain go away. For a few minutes, all that pain disappeared, the hurt that he was feeling. He didn't feel that depressed anymore.
James took a deep breath in, then out. "Ok, I promise, I won't do that again, I won't." James thought. He waited a few minutes until the cut stopped bleeding, cleaned it up, and threw the towel in the garbage. "Never again." He said to himself as he walked out of the bathroom.
Never again