.disclaimer: don't own.
.chapter eleven: crushes, fights, and bloody noses.
"Danna? Danna, un! Sasori no fucking danna, wake the hell up, un!"
"Excuse me, sir, please don't yell at the patients…"
"Fuck that! The moron brought it upon himself, un! I'm going to keep yelling until he wakes up!"
"Sir, you've been yelling since you brought him in last night… it's been almost twelve hours…"
Sasori slowly opened his eyes as he heard Deidara's loud and obnoxious voice. As his vision cleared, he laughed lightly when he saw a nurse restraining the blonde and they seemed to be arguing vehemently. However, when they heard him, the nurse released her grip and instantly Deidara fell to Sasori's side, his eyes wide. And suddenly, the redhead felt guilt wash over him. Was he that worried because of him? This was his fault; he was so preoccupied with those stupid books that he didn't bother to eat anything…
"Danna? Are you all right, un? Everyone's here but only one person is allowed in… so I was the lucky candidate, un…"
"What… what happened?" Sasori managed to get out. He brought a hand up to his forehead and covered an eye with it, sighing. His memory was hazy but he felt IVs being attached to his arms, preventing any free movements. He must be drugged or something… he felt woozy and weak. He tried opening his eyes but the bright lights were blinding and he decided it would be better to keep his eyes closed.
"You fainted, un," Deidara said as the nurse slipped out of the room, "Doctors said lack of food, un. See, danna, you should've listened to me! I'm the med student, un!"
"You never made it to that, brat," Sasori said weakly, laughing. He didn't notice Deidara's momentary pause and nervous expression. He had actually forgotten, to be honest, forgotten that he had yet to tell Sasori. He was tempted to tell him now but the timing wouldn't be right; Sasori was in the hospital because he just collapsed—he didn't need to know that Deidara had just gone back on everything he had said.
"Yeah," Deidara managed a weak laugh. He glanced behind him and pulled up a chair so he was no longer kneeling and sat down in it, staring at Sasori. His hair, usually fiery red, lacked the vibrancy it usually did. His skin was so deathly pale like he was a ghost and he looked thinner, whether it was the lighting or he actually did get thinner, Deidara couldn't tell. His hands were twitching and his eyes couldn't stay focused on one thing, the blonde noticed and immediately knew why. "No, danna, I will not get your study books, un."
"But I must've wasted…"
"You wasted a good five hours on me, un. You can use some time for yourself."
"I don't need rest."
"Danna," Deidara glared as the door opened and the same brunette nurse entered, "You just overworked yourself, starved yourself, and you look worse than I did when I was a hobo; you are not to take a look at those damn books, un. If you keep going like this, you're going to die. Besides, you don't even want this, why are you working so hard, un?"
"It doesn't matter if I want it. Ouch," Sasori winced as the nurse pricked his skin with a needle and began drawing blood, "I already told you my reasoning. It doesn't matter if I don't want this; I have expectations I need to live up to. Maybe you can just be confident enough to not want to impress anyone, but I can't. So back off, all right? Maybe I messed up but…"
"Jesus Christ, Sasori no danna, you're killing yourself, I swear, un!"
"Iwa! Keep your voice down!"
"…I got food poisoning often last year, un," Deidara answered when Sasori looked at him in confusion, wondering how the nurse knew his name. The redhead rolled his eyes and smirked as the nurse withdrew the needle and had him hold a cotton ball to the spot. She then stood up and retreated out of the room, and Deidara took this as an opportunity to keep talking. "Danna, seriously, reconsider this, all right? I mean, at first I thought it was okay because you seemed to be alive but you're in the damn hospital, un! This stupid test is killing you and you're only doing it for other people's expectations—just tell your bat of a grandmother you don't want to take it, un!"
"I'm not even going to try to defend myself anymore…"
"Because you know I'm right, un!" Deidara retorted angrily. Sasori sighed and rolled his eyes, which irritated Deidara more. Instantly, he grabbed Sasori by his hospital robe and jerked him up to a sitting position; if Sasori was surprised, he certainly didn't show it. His expression was still nonchalant with a hint of amusement, except the irritation that was just for Deidara evident in his eyes.
"Brat, let me go."
"Danna," the blonde growled, bringing his face close to the other's, "listen to me, un. This is the last time I'm going to say this. Seriously, reconsider this. I was in this situation, all right? So don't give me shit that I don't understand because I do, un. You're killing yourself trying to please someone else; you're not living your life for yourself. Are you going to spend the rest of your life pleasing other people or are you going to live your life for yourself? It's hard, okay? I know it is, un. Because you're changing the way you think but, trust me, it's worth it, un. It'll take a while to get used to and you're going to continue to wonder if you did the right thing, but eventually you'll get used to it and…" he paused, his eyes downcast suddenly and his voice softer, the grip looser, "…when… when you realize you have to give it up, you realize how happy you were, un."
Deidara broke off and raised his gaze to meet Sasori's again. He wondered if anything he said got through to him; he still looked the same but he saw an occasional flicker in his eyes. Sasori closed his eyes and let out a sigh before opening them slowly, glaring coldly.
"Get off my bed before I put you in one, brat."
The blonde hesitated before letting go of Sasori's shirt and stomping out of the room, scowling as he returned to the waiting room. Upon seeing him, Zetsu got up and headed towards the room (it was decided that next to Deidara, Sasori and Zetsu were probably closest). The blonde sat down, letting out a loud, angry huff to alert everyone of his irritated state and, luckily, they knew to not bother asking him what was wrong.
What an idiot, un. I'm just trying to help the asshole… for God's sake, he would've died if I wasn't there…
Maybe I do like him.
If he keeps this up he's going to die for real, whether it's from the lack of food or stress… And the idiot's supposed to be smart, un.
He frowned as he realized what he had thought.
Maybe I do like him.
He groaned and stretched out on the couch. The others were, apparently, going to find some food and they promised to bring him something back. He rested an arm over his eyes and sighed slowly and steadily. He was still fighting with himself over these questionable feelings. No butterflies, no blushing, no wobbly knees—everything Deidara had known about crushes and infatuations were completely false. Instead of those innocent things, he had urges to beat Sasori up when he was being stupid, enjoyed fighting with him, and spent almost every waking minute of his life thinking about the jerk.
In fact, the only thing that he recognized was the accelerated heartbeat.
So maybe he was overreacting by lecturing Sasori endlessly about his bar exams when he was returning to med school. But it was because he cared for Sasori, wasn't it? He didn't want to watch Sasori go down the path he almost went down; he remembered the stress, the pressure, the anger, the depression. And now he was happy, liberated, and content with life. And he wanted Sasori to feel that, not the previous.
So I care for him, huh? Deidara thought lazily. All the ideas he had connected with having a crush seemed so wrong. He was supposed to be combining his name with Sasori's last (the thought made him blanche), he was supposed to blush stupidly around Sasori, he was supposed to replay any conversations they had for days on end. But none of that was happening, so this wasn't a crush, was it?
Or… maybe it was? Maybe it's an exception…? Yeah. Maybe an exception, un. Wait… shit… oh, fuck no…
Removing his arm from his face, he smirked and laughed slightly, almost maniacally as Zetsu returned. The green haired man raised an eyebrow and stared at Deidara strangely, watching the blonde laugh at seemingly nothing on the couch. He watched for a few moments before deciding to speak. "You need a room here too?"
"I've ruined my life, un. And you can't tell danna."
"…Again? Damn boy, you got problems."
-X-x-X-
"He's wrong."
"Mhm."
"He's completely wrong."
"Yeah."
"I mean, he's self absorbed. He's trying to make me into him. I don't get why he can't just leave me alone. What an idiot."
"Of course."
"And now you're smiling which means I'm making an idiot out of myself, so you might as well tell me why now, Itachi."
The raven haired Uchiha looked up and smirked. After Zetsu, Itachi was next to see Sasori. The minute he stepped in, he pulled up a chair, opened a magazine, and told Sasori to begin talking. After a momentary pause, Sasori did begin speaking, and Itachi tuned most of what he said out until the last couple of lines because he figured Sasori would just be repeating the same ideas over and over again. As usual, he was right. "You seem to care an awful lot."
"…About what?"
"Deidara."
"He's annoying."
"Usually you ignore annoying comments."
"Uchiha, what are you getting at?"
"You like him."
"Get out."
Itachi closed his magazine and smirked as he leaned forward, just as the scowling Sasori turned away, crossing his arms stubbornly. "Why else are you so hung up on this? You like Deidara. It's been obvious from the first time you didn't kick him out. You listen to him, which means you care what he thinks. So all his talk about you quitting is annoying you so much because you consider what he says seriously. That, and you really should quit law."
"What?" Sasori turned back to Itachi, his scowl deepening, "First you accuse me of liking the idiot now you take his side? What the hell, Itachi?"
"Think about it," the Uchiha shrugged nonchalantly, "You hate law, don't you? So quit. You can be successful in whatever you do, so why torture yourself doing law? You know what your grandmother wants is for you to have a good future—that same good future can be achieved if you were an artist. You don't have to do law; that's her short term goal for you. Her long term goal for you is achievable in multiple ways."
"It's not that simple," Sasori muttered, looking away, "And no one gets that."
"It is that simple," Itachi said firmly as he stood up, "You just overcomplicate things. I'll tell everyone you need to rest. Your grandma is coming soon, I believe; Deidara was supposed to go call her. Think about this before she gets here. It may not seem like it, but we care for you."
"Yeah, I totally see that with all of you guys telling me to drop the one thing I've been working for all my life."
"We appreciate you too, Sasori."
As the door closed behind Itachi, Sasori laid down in his bed and folded his hands behind his head. The IV was no longer in his arm and so he was free to move around as he pleased; the only reason he was still here was because of Deidara's paranoia. It was about noon and he was admitted late last night. The nurse, Shizune, told them that he had passed out due to lack of food (to which Deidara gave Sasori an annoying, triumphant glare) and said that if he ate, he would be all right.
There was the brief annoying period where she questioned if he was satisfied with his body, to which he snapped that he did not have an eating disorder.
He sighed and relaxed, closing his eyes. He had to admit, it felt nice to be forcibly estranged from his books. He could relax and didn't have to review contracts or make sure he had the constitution memorized. Of course, it was unnerving, but it made him happy to not stress over this for just a few hours. Would this what his life would be like if he dropped law? Granted, not the laying in the hospital part, but the lack of stress? No more pressure?
He felt a chill run through him when he realized he was trying to imagine his life without law.
How was he supposed to do that? Studying law had essentially defined him for the last couple of years in his life; law was his life and his life was law. How could he think about the two without connecting them? So maybe law wasn't his passion, but what would he do without it? He could pick up puppetry but there would be that void…
Void of filling your grandmother's expectations.
The redhead scowled, hearing the voice in his head again. Maybe it was true. He wasn't scared of not having law because he would miss it, he was scared of not having it because it made his grandmother proud of him. It connected him to the last living family member he had left and that was why he was so reluctant to give it up. So everything that Deidara was talking about, about being able to empathize, it wasn't completely true. They both had that desire to please others, but medicine wasn't the only thing tying Deidara to Ino. So Sasori had more to lose and that was why he was so hesitant to let go.
But I really hate law. I hate it.
He sighed again; he did hate it, hated it so much. It was boring, tedious, and he had to make himself focus so much on it. Without it, he would feel so liberated. Maybe he would feel lost for a bit, but he would find his way again, wouldn't he? He was smart; he had lots of other things going for him. He could go into the arts or maybe business concerning the arts; anything, anything had to be better than law.
People seemed to think that just because he was good at something, he loved it. He was good at puppetry, and he did love it. But he was good at law, and he hated it. Being good at something and having a passion for it weren't the same thing, and Sasori wished people understood that. He could sit and read and memorize for hours on end but that didn't mean he liked it.
Sighing, he held his hands in front of his face and frowned as he saw the fingers trembling. He couldn't even hold his hands still; this couldn't possibly be good. This was the effect of those stupid exams on him; stressed him out, made him collapse, made him so irritable (much more than normal). Staring at his still shaking hands, he frowned. Is studying law really worth it all?
"Sasori no danna, I believe you're talking to yourself so you can either let me sit here and watch you go crazy or talk to me, un."
"I do not need you here right now."
Deidara sauntered in and sat down on the chair. He held out a plastic tray of sushi and chopsticks to Sasori, which the redhead accepted as he sat up. Pulling the tray attached to the hospital bed in front of him, he set the sushi down and opened it and began to eat, pretending Deidara wasn't staring at him.
"I knew you weren't anorexic, un."
"Shut up, brat. You should know better than anyone why I'm in here."
"Ex-fucking-actly, un!"
Sasori's eyes flitted up and silenced the blonde, who was munching on his bakudan. He knew Deidara well enough to know that while he swore often, he only used the more vulgar profanity when he was seriously irritated. But Deidara also knew that Sasori didn't appreciate being cursed at, and he learned to stay quiet when silenced. And so they ate in silence, reveling in each other's annoyed companies.
"…I'm going to take a break."
Deidara's eyes widened and he looked up in surprise at Sasori. The redhead began eating again and didn't look Deidara in the eye, an almost embarrassed expression gracing his features. Deidara couldn't believe what he was hearing at first and so he stared in awe at Sasori, letting the words sink, wondering if perhaps Sasori meant something else. But, judging by the refusal to look him in the eye and lack of a further explanation, he knew that Sasori meant exactly what Deidara thought and hoped he meant. Swallowing the bakudan that was half chewed, he finally managed to speak.
"You… what, un?"
"You heard me."
"You… you're listening to me, un?"
"I am not. You told me to quit. …I'm just taking a temporary break," Sasori muttered, narrowing his eyes and looking away. He refused to give Deidara the satisfaction of knowing that what he said made such a huge impact on him; he didn't want the stupid blonde to gloat in a false victory. Besides, he assured himself, he would continue law. He just needed a break and needed to clear his head.
"HA!" Sasori cringed as he heard Deidara yell and stand up, probably smirking victoriously, "See, I was right, un! I knew I was right!"
"Oh shut up, brat," Sasori muttered and looked away, continuing to eat. He heard Deidara sit down and resume eating in silence and he had to admit, he was grateful that the blonde restrained himself from saying anything more. He supposed it would seem like a victory, to have someone like Sasori eventually conform to what Deidara wanted. It would definitely boost his ego, so Sasori suddenly wondered why Deidara wasn't saying anything else.
And then he realized that maybe Deidara wasn't happy for his own ego, he was happy for Sasori. Because he firmly believed that Sasori would be happier like this and that was why he was happy. So it didn't matter to him that he was "right" or that he was "victorious"; what mattered was that he had helped Sasori to make the "right decision" and it would help him to become as happy as Deidara believed he would be. And at that thought, he couldn't help but smile; it was nice to have someone care for him.
"Danna, not to be an asshole, but it creeps me out when you smile, un. Because you rarely do."
"Then stop staring."
Just because he realized Deidara might actually care for him didn't mean they were suddenly going to be best buddies or anything.
"The old hag is here! I-I mean… Sasori, your lovely grandmother is here!" Konan appeared at the door and both inhabitants of the room stared at her. They then sighed in unison (Konan's eyes widened at this), and stood up. Deidara took Sasori's empty container and threw it out, then walked over to Konan, and grinned at Sasori.
"Good luck with her, un."
"Thanks. Not going to stay to reinforce me?"
"Nah, it's a hospital. They're trained for situations where someone will die, un."
Sasori rolled his eyes but was smirking and Deidara laughed, both ignoring Konan's raised eyebrow and creeping smile. The blonde held up a hand and Sasori nodded in acknowledgement as Deidara pulled Konan with him out of the room. And so he had a few moments to himself in silence to mentally prepare himself for when his grandmother arrived. Because he had never confronted Chiyo like this before. He was always obedient, making sure to do everything perfect for her.
And now she was going to come in and he was going to pray his declaration of independence didn't give her a heart attack. He was getting nervous; what would it be like standing up to her? Tell her that the path she so strenuously set out for him wasn't one he wanted? And what killed him was that this would be like telling her he could do it, that the bar exams were too strenuous, that he wasn't as prodigal as she had thought. And he knew he was; he wasn't taking a break because of stress, no matter what he said, it was because his heart wasn't into it. He could become a lawyer; he knew he could. But he didn't want to, and that was the main deciding factor.
He didn't want her to think she had misjudged him, thinking he was better than he really was.
But at the same time, he just needed a break.
Was this how Deidara felt? Everyone else against himself? Their expectations versus his own desires?
How did the brat manage to choose?
"Sasori."
"Chiyo-baasan." The firm tone gave no indication to his internal turmoil.
She paused by the door and slowly made her way to the chair. She smoothed out her dress and sat down, putting her purse on her lap and folding her hands over it. She looked so professional and put together, just like the Professor Akasuna that everyone revered. Everyone except Sasori, of course. She looked up and for an instant, he swore he saw compassion flash through her beady little eyes. "I was surprised to be informed that you have taken your studies to such a level that you collapsed. I appreciate the effort, but Sasori, you must make sure you are taking care of yourself."
Sasori nodded absentmindedly as he continued listening to Chiyo talk about the balance between working hard and keeping himself healthy. His fingers twisted around in the sheets uncomfortably; the words were right on the tip of the tongue and he wanted to say them so badly, but he couldn't find the opening. And she kept talking about those stupid exams and she was actually smiling, she was proud that her grandson would be taking them as a second year, and she really believed that he would pass them.
So how could he say that he wanted to take a break and interrupt her? Crush her hopes and fail to live up to her image? How could he do that, when that was what he had been working for all his life?
I want to take a break.
I want to take a break.
I want to take a break.
"I want to quit."
As soon as the words left Sasori's lips, his eyes widened in surprise and, judging by Chiyo's look, he wasn't the only one. Why would he say he wanted to quit? Didn't he make up his mind that he was going to take a break? What he wanted was a temporary break from studying so he would have time to recuperate. But he had intentions of returning to law after clearing his head; he didn't mean he was going to quit, but the words just came out…
"Quit?" he flinched when he heard her cold tone, "You wish to quit, Sasori?"
"…I," he took a deep breath. He was about to correct himself and say he meant to take a break, but he suddenly didn't want to. Saying that he wanted to quit gave him such a liberating feeling, like a thousand bricks were suddenly lifted off of him. He felt lighter and better than he had in such a long time and the thought of taking it back sickened him. "…Yes. I… I don't think I want to do law anymore."
Chiyo stayed quiet and Sasori found it hard to look at her, so he continued focusing on the sheets he was playing around with. "Sasori, I firmly believe that you have what it takes to become one of the top lawyers in this nation. You have a keen mind and excellent work ethic. If you are worried about not being successful, you need not fear. I have taught several of the most talented lawyers our century has seen, and you are on that level and possibly even above," she finally said, in a slow tone, as if Sasori was a child that she had to be careful dealing with.
"It's… it's not that. I'm not… happy."
"Happy?" she frowned as he said the word, "Sasori, now isn't the time to pursue happiness. Happiness is something that comes to you after you have worked hard. You have to earn happiness and, while you certainly deserve rest and relaxation, you do not have the right to be happy yet. You have to build a solid future and have a good career, and then upon retirement, you will be happy."
Sasori bowed his head; he was clutching the sheets so tightly that his arms were shaking. Those were the words he used to live by, abide by, model his life after. He remembered preaching these words to Deidara that night on his birthday. That seemed like such a long time ago and he seemed like such a different person back then. Did he really change? He frowned; no, he didn't. Maybe his views did slightly, but he was still Akasuna Sasori, wasn't he?
"I… my roommate, he…"
"Iwa Deidara? Oh yes, I did hear about him from Tsunade-san…" Sasori looked up at Chiyo as she nodded solemnly, "Very, very bright boy. He could benefit from you, Sasori. He has so much potential, but so little discipline in his work ethic." She paused for a moment to shake her head and Sasori found himself wondering how she knew about Deidara. Surely he would be well known in the medical school for dropping, but had his infamy spread to the law school as well? Then how come he never heard about the idiot?
"The brat… I mean, Deidara," Sasori cleared his throat and spoke again, "He… he quit medical school before it began, as I'm sure you've heard. And he's so happy with his decision. You should see him when he's making sculptures; he's so ecstatic that… I suppose I'm jealous that he has the bravery to quit his what people expected him to do and pursue what he loves."
"Hm? But he's resuming medical school, is he not?"
Sasori felt like something punched him and all the wind was knocked out of him. He looked up with wide eyes just as Chiyo was standing up. As soon as she saw him, she seemed to realize that he didn't know and sighed, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Oh, I suppose you didn't. Tsunade-san has told me of this because you share an apartment with him. He did indeed drop out, but a few weeks ago he requested that he be reinstated as a student. After much consideration, she has agreed and he is to start classes as a medicine student on Monday."
The redhead felt sick. Deidara resumed medical school and still preached to him about abandoning what people expected of him just a few hours ago? That God damn little hypocrite… he clenched his fists and seethed, and uncomfortable feeling welling up in his chest. It was like a mixture of anger and betrayal; angry at Deidara for being hypocritical, angry at himself for being stupid enough to believe it, and feeling betrayed by Deidara. As he remembered Deidara's adamant tone and genuine seeming eyes, anger flared up more. He was so good at lying, wasn't he? At telling Sasori one thing but turning around and doing the exact opposite.
"But very well, Sasori," Chiyo sighed and clucked her tongue, "I will give you the new few weeks off. You may stay home and recuperate from this. If you study for the exams, that is your choice. But I will expect that you still take them when they are going to be administered. I will talk to you in a few weeks."
He barely heard Chiyo's words through his anger, and she left in silence. A nurse came in shortly after and she took a glance at Sasori and faltered, worried to get close. But when he made no movement, she relaxed and stepped towards him, picking up a clipboard. She ran her eyes over him to make sure he was all right, when her eyes landed on one of his clenched fists, a sickening feeling when she saw red.
"A-Akasuna-san! You're hurting yourself!"
Sasori blinked and unclenched his fist. The right one just had imprints, but the left one was bleeding. The nurse let out a gasp and dropped the clipboard as she rummaged around for the band aids and antiseptic. Sasori stared at his hand; he was still shaking in anger. Red was flashing in front of his eyes; he felt so betrayed that he remembered why he usually didn't get close to people. Because this happened; he would get close and get hurt as a result. He had been stupid enough to think that Deidara genuinely had his best interests at heart, but obviously he didn't.
Deidara, he thought as she took his hand and gently began to wipe away the blood and wrapped a bandage around it, you better not step foot in this damn room for the next entire week.
-X-x-X-
"Hey, Sasori."
"Is Deidara with you?"
"Er… no. Hey, you called him Deidara. What's with that?"
"Nothing," Sasori answered as Zetsu sat down on the chair that everyone else used. He pulled out a study book and offered it to Sasori expectantly. He was surprised when the redhead looked at it and grimaced, looking away. He raised an eyebrow and looked around before setting the book down on the nightstand. He had seen Chiyo leave and she did seem to have an actual emotion slightly portrayed on her face, but he didn't have time to figure it out. Before he entered Sasori's room, his attention was distracted by the dying plants in the gift shop and so he had gone there, accidentally wasting an hour telling the shopkeeper to water the plants daily. By the time he was finished, he looked down and remembered that he had gone back to Sasori's apartment to pick up one of his study books for him, and had rushed back to Sasori's room.
"Not studying? Doctor's orders? Or did you accept that you can't be perfect at everything?"
"Taking a break," Sasori answered shortly. Zetsu's eyes widened in surprise, but aside from that, he didn't say anything else. He sighed and crossed his arms, contemplating this. Why would Sasori take a break suddenly? As long as he had known him, which was a pretty long time, Sasori devoted his entire life to law. Whether or not he was passionate about it, that didn't seem to matter to him; he wanted to do well in law, so he pursued it.
But, Zetsu thought, it didn't matter; this was Sasori's life and he could do whatever he damn well pleased.
"Deidara?"
"Don't say the asshole's name," Sasori growled. Zetsu jumped but got his answer and he laughed slightly. He didn't know much about Deidara but what he did know about him made sense for Sasori's sudden decision to take a break; his strong will and love for art would be infectious and Sasori would be prone to it. Whether or not Sasori saw this as a good thing, Zetsu thought it was. It was nice to see him relaxed and not be preoccupied by law all the time. Zetsu knew this would be a good thing for him.
Judging by Sasori's irritated glance, he certainly wasn't happy with the situation right now, though Zetsu wasn't completely sure why. It wasn't like he forced Sasori to take a break; why would the redhead be so angered? Whatever the reason, Zetsu was sure it would reveal itself in good time.
"All right all right, sorry," he held up his hands and shrugged, "Didn't know his name would be an explosive. Give me a warning next time, all right?"
Sasori rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, leaning back. Zetsu watched his fingers drum against his arms and felt tensions rise. Sighing awkwardly he stood up, nodding shortly. "Well, um, you're obviously pissed as hell, so I'll… just leave… and come back later… when you're not going to use your fingers and gouge my eyes out. So… feel better, Sasori."
The redhead flicked his eyes at Sasori, which Zetsu took as his salutation. He turned around and walked out the door, frowning as he reconsidered the situation. Odd, certainly, it was. His curiosity as to what happened with Deidara was now higher than ever, but he was also worried about Sasori's mental state. When Sasori was irritated, he wouldn't eat. So combining his irritated manner with the fact he was put into the hospital because he didn't eat…
Zetsu sighed. Bad. This is bad. Not good with dealing with anorexics.
"Hey, Zetsu. How's danna?"
"Oh Lord behold, it's Deidara." The botanist looked up and stared at Deidara, who was holding a bag of barbecue chips and eating them nonchalantly. He blinked; this kid had no idea how angry Sasori was. If he let him go into that hospital room right now, all hell would erupt and he would probably ruin Sasori and Deidara's relationship, knowing Sasori's sharper-than-usual tongue at this moment and Deidara's quickly-agitated-temper. He blinked. As a friend, he should have both of their best interests at heart. He should tell Deidara that Sasori was angry and have him go home, wait for him to cool off, then they can talk.
But drama was just so entertaining.
"Yeah, Sasori's looking for you. So go visit him. Now."
Deidara raised an eyebrow but said a quick "thanks" and walked past Zetsu and turned right into the room. Zetsu sat down on the bench next to the door and leaned back, smirking.
He enjoyed messing with Sasori. It was revenge for all the times the stupid redhead made his life miserable.
"Hey, danna?"
"Fuck. Off."
"…Great to see you too, un," Deidara said slowly. He placed the bag of chips on the floor and sat down in the chair, glancing up at Sasori. Of course he noticed the tense atmosphere, but as far as he was concerned, he hadn't done anything wrong. Sasori hadn't even looked at him; he only greeted him with the less than friendly greeting and then resumed a stony silence, burning a hole in the opposing wall with his angry eyes. The blonde sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Okay, what did I do, un? Or are you pissy because they had to draw more blood or something?"
"Did you not understand my earlier words? Fuck off. Get out. I don't want to see you."
"Danna, I don't know what's wrong with you, but I'm not leaving until I know exactly why you feel like cutting my head off, roasting it, and feeding it to termites, un."
"You know exactly what you did."
"No… no, I really don't, un."
The way Sasori turned to look at him reminded Deidara of a creepy baby doll in a horror movie. His head turned slowly and his huge, half lidded eyes were cold and angry. His skin, of course, clear as day was like a doll's, and his hair had that sexy yet messy bed head texture…
Ahhh, fuck. Thought my damn hormones had their run in high school, un…
"Were you ever going to tell me?" he asked, his scowl deepening with every word he spoke, "Or were you going to continue fucking preaching about how I should quit law and pursue my art while you do the exact damn opposite? I just told my grandmother that I wanted to quit. Quit, can you believe it? I actually listened to you and told her I wanted to quit instead of taking a break! Seriously, I don't know why Tsunade-san reinstated you if you didn't realize I'd find out. Monday morning, you walk to class with me or I see you on campus. I'm not stupid."
The blue eyes widened and all color drained from Deidara's face. He froze and heard his heart pounding in his ears and blood rushing through him, the sounds all magnified. His body was suddenly paralyzed and he felt like he was having an outer body experience. This couldn't be happening, could it? How did he find out? Questions raced through Deidara's mind as he stared stupidly at Sasori, barely registered the irritated "well?" that he asked.
He was going to tell him, obviously. But once he got out of the hospital. Once he was getting better. Once things were going back to normal. He wasn't trying to lie to Sasori, honestly; if he could choose, he would follow his own preaching instantly. He wasn't trying to mess up Sasori's life on purpose, to soil what he, Deidara, could have been. He would never hurt Sasori and he wanted to say that, he wanted to say this, but he couldn't talk, his mouth was dry, his heart was pounding, he was… scared.
Scared of Sasori being angry, of Sasori never forgiving him, of being so stupid and cowardly. Scared of losing Sasori forever because of this mishap because Deidara understood his anger. He didn't blame him one bit; had he been in this position, he would be just as angry. Because it would be so hard to just gather up the courage to tell the person you've been trying to live your life for that you wanted to stop and change your life completely. Then, after that, to find out your inspiration, the reason you took such a big risk, was a complete fake?
Except… he wasn't a fake. It was all genuine. All those words, tacky as they seemed, were heartfelt, spoken with the intent of helping Sasori. Because he cared for him. He didn't want to watch him suffer as much as he did when he knew the solution to the pain and knew that it worked. Of course, Sasori wouldn't believe him. But Deidara knew he was being genuine and that he honestly wanted to help Sasori from the bottom of his heart.
"Well?" Sasori snapped again, not appreciating the silence Deidara was providing, "Are you going to sit there mute or try to explain yourself?"
"I… didn't mean to…"
"Yeah, I'm sure you didn't. You just wanted to stay on my good side so you'd still have a place to live."
Deidara winced, but bit his lip and made no retort to that remark. Sasori was angry, so he would let him get in his angry words and not comment on them. It would be like adding petroleum to the fire; in the end, both of them would get burned. "It's… it's for Ino, un. She wants me to go back to med school so… so I went to talk to Tsunade. But I didn't think I'd get in," he added in a rush and heard Sasori snort, "Seriously, danna, have you ever heard of this? Exactly. I thought I'd be okay, un. I could tell Ino I tried and I wouldn't go back. But I don't know what the hell happened, but I got in. So I went to Ino's and I tried to tell her I didn't want to go back. But I couldn't. She looked so… so happy and I didn't want to disappoint her again. Because you know how important she is to me, don't you?"
"And it never once crossed that supposedly brilliant mind of yours to tell me any of this?"
"Um…" Deidara fidgeted as Sasori shot him another dagger filled glare, "…No."
"Well, I can't wait to be treated by a brainless idiot like you."
"I didn't tell you because you'd react like this," Deidara muttered and looked away, fiddling with his fingers. He wanted to yell at himself for being so timid. Usually he wasn't like this in confrontations. He had so many reasons for telling Sasori that they were at the tip of his tongue; the reason he gave was the lamest and weakest. He wanted to tell Sasori all of them in hopes that maybe one of them would make him understand, but he couldn't, because ultimately, the main reason would come spilling out and he didn't want to tell Sasori that. He just didn't feel comfortable saying it, for whatever reason.
I didn't want to hurt you, danna.
"React like this?" Sasori repeated incredulously, staring at Deidara, "React like this? Like what, like this? I just told my grandmother I wanted to quit. She's never going to look at me in the same way, you know that? I've worked my entire life so that she'd think I could do anything, that nothing is too hard for me to achieve. And in that single moment of weakness, weakness thanks to you, you insolent brat, everything was ruined. She thinks I want to quit because I can't handle law. And I can, that's what's killing me, I fucking can. I can handle anything, but I decided to put what I thought I wanted above it. And now my image, that image I worked so hard to keep, is completely shattered. She told me that she was letting me take a break and because of bar exams, no one else will think that. But that doesn't matter; my grandmother is the single most important person for me to impress, and the only that matters is that she thinks I'm weak now, all thanks to you and your lame ass preaching and ideas!"
Sasori broke off and panted heavily; he hadn't realize just how worked up he was getting. And for some reason just watching Deidara sit there quietly and take it made him even more irritated. Because he wanted an excuse to punch him and he couldn't just sock him for sitting there and listening, could he? He wanted Deidara to yell back and defend himself, and that was what he had expected. So why wasn't he?
Maybe because he realizes he's wrong?
Impossible, he told his mind immediately, that's impossible. He's arrogant and so sure of himself. He'd never admit that he was wrong at anything, that just wasn't Deidara. He sighed angrily and ran his fingers through his hair, pressing his palms to his eyes and leaning his elbows against the tray for food that he never put away. He wanted to yell more. He wanted to scream, he wanted to knock the living daylights out of Deidara. He wanted an outlet for his anger but couldn't find one, and it was killing him. Because he suddenly felt his entire world just came down on him. And somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized it wasn't completely Deidara's fault. The majority of the anger came from this realization that he was returning to medical school, but the weight of his decision came crashing down on him too. He realized that he was the one who ultimately made the choice, so having his image for Chiyo tattered wasn't completely Deidara's fault, he supposed.
But he didn't care.
He was angry as hell and it felt better to shove the blame onto someone else.
"You're a hypocrite."
"I know."
"I hate you."
"I know."
Sasori sighed again; his heart rate had slowed down and he realized he wasn't as angry anymore. He still had that nasty feeling in his stomach and the urge to punch something, but he didn't have this animalistic urge to rip Deidara to shreds anymore. "Will you at least say something to give me an excuse to hit you?"
"If you want to hit me you can, un," he heard the blonde mutter, "I deserve it."
Deidara heard a clatter and when he looked up, he saw that Sasori had furiously thrown the tray aside and he was now pulling Deidara towards him with both hands gripping the fabric of his shirt. They were so close, but Deidara's accelerated heart rate was from fear. If he looked down, he would've seen that the knuckles were turning white. But he was too focused on the eyes in front of him, the eyes that flashed anger and betrayal.
"I want nothing more than to beat you to a pulp right now."
"Go ahead, un."
"So you admit it, huh?"
At this, Deidara frowned. "Admit what?"
Sasori smirked, pleased that his plan was working. If Deidara wasn't going to fight back, then he was going to approach this subject in a completely different manner. "That all your talk is rubbish. Because you, the icon of this 'abandon what makes you stressed and pursue what makes you happy' concept, ended up going to the institution that almost caged you. So this is proof, isn't it, that I was right? That you can't just allow yourself to be happy until you've worked hard? So you have been spouting bullshit this entire time, like I thought…"
As soon as Sasori felt the impact of Deidara's fist against the jaw and was thrown back, he smirked. He moved to sit up, but before he could, Deidara was on top of him and had him pinned down, his blue eyes flashing dangerously as he held Sasori down by his throat. The redhead couldn't help but smirk dryly; definitely a medicine student, he thought. He was being held down against his throat so that he couldn't move, yet his breathing wasn't too obstructed so he could easily be held in this position without passing out.
Knowing that Deidara's attention was focused solely on his face, he used the opportunity to throw his fist at Deidara and was pleased when it collided with his nose. The blonde cried out in pain and he immediately released Sasori and covered his now bloody, but probably not broken, nose with a hand and Sasori knocked him down so that they were in the same position, with reversed roles, and in the opposite direction.
"I wasn't spouting bullshit," Deidara said as he removed his hand and Sasori almost felt bad when he saw the blood, "I really believe in that, un. But I have Ino and she's important to me. I'm sorry for being a hypocrite, all right? But don't you dare tell me that what I believe in is shit; I believed every word I lectured to you. But circumstances had changed, and this wasn't me taking back my beliefs; this was me realizing that I could possibly lose my little sister and I couldn't have that, un."
"Yeah, but you certainly didn't give a crap about losing me, huh?"
"Sasori no danna," Deidara clenched his fists, ignoring the warning bells in his head going off telling him to not say his next words, "let's get this straight, all right? You are not as important to me as Ino. I will always choose her over you, un."
At that moment a door opened, and in walked a nurse rolling a silver cart. She looked up brightly, but once she saw the two in their position, her face turned bright red and mumbled an apology before hurrying out and slamming the door shut behind her. But both Deidara and Sasori hardly noticed; somehow, for some reason, Deidara's last words had struck a nerve within both of them.
Deidara had no idea why he had this gnawing feeling in his stomach. After all, what he said was the truth, wasn't it? He cared for Ino more than anyone in the world; just because he admitted to himself he had a crush on Sasori didn't immediately make him the person Deidara cared the most about. So… so why was he feeling so guilty as he stared at Sasori? He expected the redhead to look nonchalant and angry still, maybe even roll his eyes and scoff. But… but he looked surprised and maybe even… hurt? Why? Deidara wanted to ask as he stared at him. Why… why do you look so surprised?
"…You're right," Sasori hung his head and laughed slightly, unsure why that statement stung so much, "Yeah, why would I be more important to you than your family?" It had to be the lack of food, he deduced. Because logically, it made no sense for him to presume that Deidara cared for him more than Ino. Because all he and Deidara were were roommates and possible friends. Ino was his family and their relationship was analogous to his and Chiyo's, with the exception that they actually liked each other.
"Okay, the nurse told me you two were in an intimate position. But I, of course, knew that there's no way you guys would be fucking copulating, because both of you would refuse to get fucked. Oh, Jesus Christ! You guys need to find some way to sort out your issues besides fighting all the damn time!"
Sasori lingered for a moment before getting off of Deidara. As the blonde rolled off the bed and grabbed a couple of tissues for his nose, Sasori slid under his sheets, staring out the window as Zetsu looked at the two awkwardly before following Deidara out.
"I couldn't help but overhear," Zetsu called out and Deidara stopped walking instantly, letting Sasori's former roommate catch up, "And it's not my place but… you fucked up. In blunt terms, sorry."
Deidara shot him a glare. "I know."
"I mean, I thought that you convincing him to take a break from law was a good thing, because it really does drive him crazy. But he sees you as a liar and I have to admit, what you did was pretty hypocritical. And Sasori hates nothing more than liars and hypocrites. You probably should've thought this through before telling him one thing and doing another."
"I know."
"I don't think he'll ever completely forgive you for this."
He glared again, but softer this time, sadness overtaking his features.
"I know."
Author's Notes: I don't know why I make Sasori and Deidara fight so much… maybe because that's how I envision men to interact? Ahaha… hahaha… probably not very accurate. But this way, I figure, it will be hard to fall into the easy trap of making Deidara super feminine and girly and weak, right?
If I EVER start making Deidara into some weak little girl, tell me immediately, please. That is my greatest fear. I know it's SasoDei so Sasori should be "dominant" (hell, I'm not even sure if I'm writing SasoDei or DeiSaso or both equally "dominant" if that's even possible), but that doesn't mean Deidara's going to be submissive. Because he's tough and arrogant and reckless and a MAN.
Sorry, lack of sleep. Not in my best logical mind frame.
I hope you liked this chapter. Fun to write (I don't know why I stick people in hospitals so often), especially the last scene. What will happen? I don't know… I mean, I do know, but hell, I'll probably mess around with it. Thanks for reading, please review!