Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any of its inhabitants. I do, however, unfortunately, own all Sues and OCs. Bleah.
!!WARNING!! The following contains MAJOR random silliness. Viewer discretion is advised.
Columbine was really weirded out. Why was Gonff acting all cheesy and . . . Stu-ish,all of a sudden? She jogged to catch up with him, watching as his tubby figure giggled as he ran to catch up with "Laterose", who was running out in front of them, looking for all the world like some ethereal being with the golden headfur growing from her head flowing about and dancing with roses and butterflies coming forth from her tresses.
The mousewife was now not only really weirded out, but also really disgusted by all the flowers falling from "Laterose's" headfur, and she often did her best to grind her footpaws into the petals, like any sane, non-Sueish female would have.
Finally they came to a cliff-side (here Columbine perked up at the thought of throwing "Laterose" from the cliff, but she was too tired from all that running to be throwing Sues off of cliff-sides), where "Laterose" paused and watched the sunset.
"Laterose" looked dazzlingly stunning against the fiery backdrop of the setting sun and the flame-colored clouds, looking even more ethereal and beautiful than ever before.
Columbine snorted at her, then looked at Gonff, who was sitting with a blank look on his face. Going over to him, Columbine crouched down next to her husband and whispered furiously in his ear, "What the heck is the matter with you?!"
"What's that?" "Laterose" asked.
"Uh, nothing!" Columbine replied. "Just, um . . . it's just . . . do you know where you're going?!"
"Salamandastron of course," "Laterose" replied, looking at Columbine with huge hazel eyes that sparkled ever so brightly. "That's where the vermin have taken him, right?"
Columbine stared for a moment, then nodded. "Riiiiiight."
At first the mousewife considered telling "Laterose" that Martin had been kidnapped by two rabid fangirl Sues, but then again, she supposed "vermin" would be a nice thing to call those two.
Just then a very clear image came into Columbine's mind, that of "Laterose" pulling a sword on Mareah and Polly, and the three going at it. Surely, if three Sues fought each other, one of them would die? Two Sues were much better than three, and it'd be an awful lot easier killing off just the two after the third was done in.
Columbine then sat back on her paws and smiled at "Laterose". "Yes, we simply must get to Salamandastron, with all haste!"
"Yes, let's!" agreed "Laterose". "But first, let me sing for you. I have a splendid singing voice, you know," she added in a bubbly fashion. "Martin always told me so! Ahem. . . ." then she started warbling.
Columbine winced and covered her ears, though Gonff looked entranced, his eyes glazing over and drool falling steadily from his chin.
Oh great, Columbine thought. Don't tell me he's only acting like this just because he fell under a Sue-spell! Uuuuggggghhhhh. . . .
There was another group enjoying the sunset.
Well, not really.
Both Mareah and Polly, though very glad to have Martin back in their posession, they still both very annoyed by the other's presence, and kept on telling the other to bugger off. Martin, in the meantime, was back in the position they had him in when they left the abbey, only they weren't hand-gagging him, preferring to use their free paws to stroke his chest - or claw at each other.
"Go away!" Polly snapped at Mareah. "He doesn't want you around, you can tell he hates you!"
"No he doesn't!" screamed Mareah. "He loves me more than he'll ever hate you!"
"I am his SOUL-MATE!"roared Polly (who was annoyed that not once, but twice again Mareah's name had been put in front of her's in the text). "He and I are DESTINED to save Mossflower together and live happily ever AFTERRRR!!"
"You are wrong," stated Mareah matter-of-factly.
While the two Sues argued like this, poor Martin dearly wished that something would happen soon that would make them just shut uuuuppppp. . . .
And something did happen to make them shut up.
A hare suddenly popped up out the sand (shaking itself a little like a dog), and stood before them, paws akimbo.
Both Mareah and Polly (here Mareah looked smugly at Polly; that was the third time in this chapter that Mareah's name had been put first; Polly snarled at her) instantly left off arguing and stared blankly at the hare.
Martin also stared, but then he suddenly became aware that the hare had came out of sand.
"Hey," he said slowly. "Why are we talking about sand? We're not at the beach already . . . are we?"
"I think you are," the author replied.
Martin looked around and saw that it was true - sort of.
There was nothing but sandy flat-lands all around, but the ocean was nowhere in sight. Or smell or sound or . . . yeah, you get the idea.
As for the hare, it was a male, and was probably the most disproportionate creature Martin had ever seen: the ears were longer than most hares, although the face was almost much too handsome. The shoulders were also quite broad, almost impossibly, with a massive chest that receded into a ridiculously tiny waist that would've made Scarlett O'Hara weep with shame (Scarlett O'Hara's waist was 17 inches, in case anyone wants to know . . . and in case anyone wants an idea of how small the hare's waist was). The waist then exploded into these huge hips, which connected to the typical big-footed hare-legs.
The hare was clad in a short bright red sleeveless tunic with a black belt that seemed to be acting like a corsette on the hare's torso, and he was decorated with several golden medals all over his chest, all of which looked like they'd been polished most excessively.
For a few moments, the four creatures didn't say a word. They just stared at each other, taking the newcomer's appearance in.
It was the hare who spoke first.
"Oh, wot wot, top hole, wot wot, jolly well good, wotwot!"
"Huh?" was the first intelligent thing Martin could say.
The Sues seemed to comprehend, though.
"We are but weary travellers, seeking rest," they said in unison, unknowingly quoting what Cluny the Scourge said in the Nelvana Redwall cartoon when he first tried to get into Redwall.
"Oh, wot wot, top hole, wot wot, jolly well good, wotwot!" the hare said again, smiling.
"What?" was the second intelligent thing Martin could say.
Again the mousemaids seemed to comprehend what the hare was (trying) to communicate.
"We have come to ask for assistance from the Great Badger Lord, for Redwall Abbey is in great danger, and we need to get back there with an army as huge and soon as possible!"
"Oh, wot wot, top hole, wot wot, jolly well good, wotwot!" the hare said for the third time, smiling and beckoning to them as he hopped away.
Veil: Did anyone say that this fic couldn't get any sillier? They must be standing corrected.
Kel: Veil! You're not in this fic!
Veil: Neither are you!
Kel: Well I'M the narrator!
Veil: FINE! See if I care! (goes off in a huff)
Kel: Heh heh, anyway. . . .
This is worse than when he danced with that crab-lady! thought Columbine furiously.
The mousewife could recall of how jealous she felt when she heard that Gonff had "danced" with a crab, and wanted to know if it was a lady-crab - how dare he dance with another lady! Gonff had reassured her that the crab had been male, but she still had many sleepless nights where she watched her sleeping husband and wondered if he was dreaming about a beautiful crab-lady to dance with. . . .
And NOW look! Here he was, the lazy bum, getting all moon-eyed over some stupid little Sue posing at Rose!
UGH. She was not liking this fic.
"Come," said "Laterose", sitting next to them. "Let's make a fire."
And with those words, a fire suddenly appeared in front of them. Gonff pulled out his flute and began playing a song in a robotic sort of way, which Columbine figured had to do with the Sue. The Sue suddenly looked dreamy-eyed at the mousethief's song, and began to sing again with the voice of a thousand angels.
Ugh. Columbine covered her ears again.
After the singing was finally done and over with, "Laterose" came and sat down next to Columbine while Gonff clapped stupidly for her.
"Thank you, Gonff, thank you," "Laterose" murmured. Then, after a pause, she began to sob.
"What's the matter with you?" Columbine demanded. Honestly, were Sues this random all the time?
Gonff, however, hurried over and took "Laterose" into a gentle hug, whispering soothing sounds to her. Columbine felt a VERY strong need to slice "Laterose's" head off her perfect beautifully slender shoulders.
"I . . . I'm sorry . . ." gasped "Laterose". "It's just . . . just. . . ."
"Just what?!" shouted Columbine.
"It's all so terrible! I miss Martin so much! And I miss my home, and I miss all that I love, and here I am in this strange world filled with creatures I don't know, and-"
"Oh, boo hoo," snorted Columbine. "We're not much better off than you. AND GET OFFA MY HUSBAND!"
Well, things got a little ugly after that.
Meanwhile (I think enough time has passed for me to say that again), back at the abbey, Trimp was babbling idiocately to the other abbeybeasts about the monsters that had come out of the little ball that Gonflet had.
"I saw them, I swear! Real live actual monsters!" the hogmaid screamed, waving her arms about hysterically. "They called them Pokemon!"
"Trimp, Trimp," soothed Folgrim, who had something red about his lips, "you must be tired. Why don't you go off to beddy-by and-"
"What's that on your lips?" Trimp suddenly demanded.
Folgrim's one eye popped. "Oh, er, nothin'! I haven't been catchin' rats and eatin' 'em! Honest I haven't! I - AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!" He ran off screaming.
Trimp stared after him. "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."
"WHY ARE WE ALL JUST STANDING AROUND TALKING ABOUT POKEMON?!" ROARED ABBESS GERMAINE. "WE SHOULD BE PREPARING OURSELVES FOR WAR, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD! DO I HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE AROUND HERE WHAT TO DO ALL THE TIME?!"
"No," said Skipper. "We can tell you that its 'everybeast' and not 'everyone'-"
"YES! THAT'S WHAT I KEEP ON TELLIN' 'EM!" shouted Dandin, who completely broke another canon rule (and a logical rule too), as he came running in. "Finally!" he cried, giving the otter a friendly punch on the arm. "Somebeast who understands proper animal grammar! Thanks a lot, Warthon!"
"DON'T CALL ME WARTHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!"ROARED SKIPPER, GIVING DANDIN A KICK THAT SENT HIM CLEAR BACK INTO HIS OWN TIMELINE.
Germaine groaned. "I need some coffee."
Martin was bore away across the flat-lands by the two Sues, following the strange-speaking hare, until finally the great fire mountain came into view over the horizon, and within surprisingly few moments, they were standing in front of it and then going up the front steps.
The mountain looked a lot different from what Martin remembered, but then again that probably (in fact, most likely) had to do with the Sue-powers floating around lately.
The hare led them down a great big hallway up to a throne room-
"Now that's just wrong!" Martin shouted. He had been silent throughout most of this fic, and he was getting sick of it! "There was no throne room in Salamandastron! The Badger Lord just hung out in his forge room, or in the Mess Hall where the feasts were! And besides, there's not even supposed to be a Badger L-mrrrf!"
Just then the hare slapped his paw over Martin's mouth, saying in a chipper, though slightly subdued, voice, "Oh wot wot, jolly ol' top-hole, wotwot!"
(Translation: "Silence, please, Lord Thingummy is about to enter!")
Martin tried to bite down on the hare's paw, but his lips were pressed firmly together, which further enraged the mouse. As for the two Sues, they stared with blank suprice at their beloved sweetheart, but they had little time for discussion, for the Badger Lord just entered then.
The Badger Lord was freakishly tall, freakishly broad, and way too young to be the typical Badger Lord - in fact, he looked as though he were anywhere from sixteen to twenty seasons (probably the same age as Mareah and Polly-
"STOP PUTTING HER NAME IN FRONT OF MINE!" ROARED POLLY, GOING INTO ANGRY CAPS MODE.
"Don't argue with the author," the author said shortly.
"Hmph!" said Polly.
Now then, the Badger Lord was also freakishly handsome, clad in gold-and-jeweled-armor, with a crimson cape hanging in magnificent swaths from his freakishly broad shoulders, and he held what looked like a scepter (a scepter!) in his mighty paw.
He smiled charmingly at them and said kindly, "What can I do for you, my good mice?"
Okay, now if THAT'S not a bad intrepetation of how a Badger Lord greets his guests, I don't know what is! Martin thought furiously.
The two Sues replied to the Badger Lord's word in unison (they were somehow becoming used to speaking in this way), "We have come to ask for your assistance in the protection of Redwall Abbey against-" here they both said the names of the two stoat warlords "-who is the twin-brother of Badrang the Tyrant."
The Badger Lord's eyes suddenly became furious and he blew air out his nostrils like a bull. "That vermin! Attacking Redwall Abbey! I shall slay them and their horde's brutally!"
Martin stared, then rolled his eyes. What a cheesey line.
The Badger Lord then leapt to his feet, proclaiming, "We will march on Redwall tomorrow!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!"shouted the two mousemaids on either side of Martin, although they weren't the only ones cheering.
The whole room was suddenly filled with hares, all of whom looked like exact replicas of the first hare (who still had his paw over Martin's mouth), and were cheering just like the Sues, only with an occasional "wotwot" and "jolly well" and "jolly good" and "top hole" and another "wotwot".
"But first," said the Badger Lord, and everyone became immediately silent. "We must have a feast to welcome our fine guests!"
Again the cheering went up, and the three mice were soon surrounded by the hares, all of whom looked like they wanted to welcome them. Mareah and Polly-
("Hmph!" said Polly, glaring at the text while Mareah smirked)
-where then surrounded by several beautiful haremaids, all of whom had builds identical to their's, only the haremaids weren't nearly as beautiful, and were clad in simple white dresses and wreathed in flower-chains.
The haremaids took the two mousemaids by the the paws and pulled them away from Martin, saying, "Oh wot wot, top hole, jolly well good, wotwot!"
(Translation: "Let's get you cleaned up for the feast, eh wot?")
Of course, Mareah and Polly-
(Polly snorted)
-were not dirty from their (very short I might add) trip, but they were gleefully delighted at the thought of bathing and being decked out in flowers and jewels and whatnot, and so allowed themselves to be led down a hall to a pool-like area that would've put the Mermaid Lagoon from Disney's "Peter Pan" to shame.
As for Martin, when the two sues let go of his arms and legs, he started crumbling to the ground, but was quickly brought back up by some of the male hares. The hare who (still) had his paw over the mousewarrior's mouth said, "Oh, top hole, jolly well, wotwot, oh wotwot, oh, wotwot!"
(Translation: "Let's get this good fellow a good scrubbing, eh wot?")
One of the other male hares chortled, saying, "Wot wot, oh, wot wot, jolly ol' wot wot!"
(Translation: "He looks like a fearsome warrior 'e does! Warriors like this old fellow don't like baths!")
The other hares roared with laughter and said, "Wot wot, oh wot wot wot, wotwot!"
(Translation: "Then's let's give 'im the old onetwo, eh, wotwot?")
Martin was completely at a loss at what the hares were saying, so it came as a complete shock when five of them suddenly grabbed each of his limbs and started pulling their hardest, as though trying to rip them out of his sockets. Of course, due to the loss of feeling in his limbs, the warriormouse wasn't in much pain, although he still could feel a sharpness in his sockets.
"Aarg! Hey what-?!" was all the mouse could really say as he was carried off to a separate hallway down to another washroom that also contained a pool-like area, only it wasn't as girly as the other, and it was filled with some rather slimy, fishy things. . . .
Mareah and Polly-
(Polly gave another, louder snort)
-were quite enjoying themselves, swimming, splashing, playing, getting decked out in jewels and flowers by the beautiful haremaids, who were each giving them each a thousand complements on their beauty, grace, beauty, singing, beauty, kindness, beauty, thoughtfulness, beauty, bravery, beauty, wisdom, beauty, intelligence, beauty, charm, and their oh so wonderful beauty!
Martin was having a lousy time.
He was sitting on the edge of the pool, surrounded by the weirdest of hares, all of whom seemed to find it utterly hilarious whenever one of them poured water, seaweed, starfish, and other small, fishy creatures all over him. They lathered him with soap and scrubbed him vigorously, howling with laughter, saying nothing but "wotwot, top hole, wotwot!"
(Translation: "Now here's a clean mousey-warrior, eh, wotwot?")
Sputtering and shaking water from his eyes, Martin, with his numb limbs, could only sit there and take it all, feeling very much like a slave back at Marshank again.
When the "washing" was finally done, the three mice found themselves inside the banqueting hall, where a most delicious feast was set, filled with all the famous Redwall-world goodies (and even a few of the real-world goodies, something which happened due to all the plot-holes in this stupid fic).
Mareah and Polly-
"STOP PUTTING HER NAME FIRST!"
"NO!"
Anyway, the two mousemaids were eating as much as they wanted (which was quite a lot), without gaining any weight whatsoever, or spilling any of their food and drink on their clothes, and they both ate with the most perfect manners befitting a Sue.
Martin was still surrounded by the male hares, all of whom were pushing food into his mouth. At first the warrior had been grateful for finally getting some real food, but it was not long before he had eaten his fill. However, the hares seemed to be not satisfied with the amount that he consumed, and promptly devoted their time and attention to cramming even more food past Martin's lips.
Yes, I know, that's very strange for a hare to be more concerned with how much others are eating, but keep in mind, these aren't ordinary hares. . . .
Soon M-
"AHEM!" said Polly.
(Sigh) I mean "the two mousemaids" were soon called upon to sing and dance and perform with their sword-skills and whatnot, which they readily did, eager to show off in front of Martin, thinking that he would see their wondrous feminine strength and kneel down on one knee and ask them (of one them, to be precise) to be his wife.
Unfortunately, Martin wasn't paying them much attention, as the hares were stuffing more and more and still more food into his mouth. Martin's six-pack (which I daringly described in Chapter 8) was again becoming a keg, only unlike the time with the raw fish, it didn't return to its previous form. Instead it grew further and further out.
The hares were delighted by this, and promptly began beating their paws on Martin's paunch like a drum, which actually made a drum-like sound, so they used it for a rhythm to the two Sue's dancing.
Mareah and Polly-
"WILL YOU STOP-"
"HEY! I'M THE AUTHOR OF THIS STUPID STORY, SO I CAN PUT WHO'S NAME IN FRONT OF WHOEVER'S AS MUCH AS I WANT! NYEH!"
"Hmph!" said Polly.
Anyway, the two Sues, being so wrapped up in their own stupid selves-
"Hey!" they protested.
-didn't notice the treatment Martin was being given, and continued to dance, sing, and sword-fight, thinking only of how cool and glamorous they looked and fantasizing about how romantically Martin would propose to them.
As if! Martin thought savagely as another chocolate cake was shoved into his mouth.
Finally, Martin's belly got so big that one of the hare's thought it'd be perfect use for a punching bag. He jumped up in front of the mousewarrior and slammed his fist into Martin's large gut, knocking the wind out of the mouse.
Martin gasped for air, but the only thing he got in was an apple pie and three flans. The hares surrounding the mouse howled with even more laughter, and each took turns punching Martin's potbelly while the rest continued to shove even more food past his gasping jaws.
Well, finally, after so much food and so much belly-punching, Martin began to feel a little queasy and. . . .
"Bleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg!"
All activity ceased as everybeast turned and stared in Martin's direction, only nobeast could see him, as some of his hare-"friends" stood in front of him with overly big, slightly nervous grins on their faces, while the rest of them hurriedly scrubbed up the mousewarrior's mess.
Shrugging, the other creatures went back to their feasting, although Ma- er, I mean, the two mousemaids went over with concerned looks on their faces.
"What is it? What's the matter? Where's Martin?"
The leader of the hare-group shifted his eyes nervously, but he answered them soon enough, "Er, wot wot, er, wot wot, oh wotwotwotwot. . . ."
(Translation: "Oh, he was feelin' a bit tired, and so we sent 'im off to bed.")
Even though he trailed off to a mumble, the mousemaids looked relieved.
"Can we go and see him?" asked Mareah.
"Hey! That's MY line!" shouted Polly.
"Don't start that AGAIN!" groaned Mareah.
"Whatever," scowled Polly.
"ANYway," Mareah snapped, and turning back to the hare, "Can we go and see Martin?"
The hare glanced nervously behind him, then turned back to them with an even bigger, even more nervous smile. "Er, oh wot wot, jolly ol', wot wot!"
(Translation: "Yes, you may, but I suggest you get along to your own rooms now and rest up a bit. We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.")
(Yes, I know that the translation sentence is way longer than the original sentence, but hey, its a random humor fic!)
"I suppose you're right," Mareah relented.
Polly was annoyed at how much more limelight Mareah was getting, but she knew that that wouldn't last much longer! Hee hee hee!
As soon as the two mousemaids went away, the hare turned back to the other hares and Martin.
"Wot wot, top hole, wot wot?" he asked them.
(Translation: "Did you get the mess cleaned up?")
"Wot wot, ho, wot wot!" replied the others.
(Translation: "Yes, it's all cleaned up, sah!")
The hare nodded, relieved. Then he grinned again. "Wot wot!"
(Translation: "Let's do it all again!")
The other hares gave a cheer. "WOT WOT!"
(Translation: "OKAY!")
And they did.