I'm dangerous, I'm a dying breed
Breaths fogged in the cool, damp air, Flare's, Angel's, and Ultear's. Ultear's chest felt too narrow and her fingers were like rusty bits of metal, corroded to the chunky and damaged handle of the hammer. It felt as heavy as her thoughts.
Flare was unburdened. She moved like a lithely as a viper, still beautiful with a deadly look in her eye, pushing into Angel's side and grabbing her hair tighter. "Do it, baby. Do it for me and do it for you, do it for all the girls people like this bitch have hurt." She spoke to Ultear but looked at Angel. "Do it now when I'm touching her. I want to know how it feels." She was mesmerizing. Her voice dripped like caramelized sugar, so, so sweet but burning. Burning through Ultear, melting rationality and making her think insane things.
"Remember when she teased you with all the things you wanted? Remember when she let you kiss her in Natsu's truck? Remember when afterwards, she abandoned you and Natsu to Heartfilia's thugs? Remember when she and Zeref just laughed at you? They did it to your face, and behind your back, when they were sober and when they were high, in front of all of your friends and even when they were alone. They were horrible to you."
"Ultear." Whether Angel was too weak to say anything other than her name was unclear. The sound of her voice was grating, though. It dredged up a hundred images and each one of them made Ultear more frustrated than the last. Angel had been horrible. She'd sit on Zeref's lap and make him touch her in front of Ultear, a smear of a smile on her face, and she would not share. Flare was right, Ultear had tried. What was worse was that for a moment in time, twenty minutes back from the hospital, she thought, this could work. I could have everything I want. Only to be denied.
And teased.
She brought in drugs and pain and razed everything to the ground. And she walked away. She walked away every time and let them deal with the fallout.
"Now you remember." Flare laughed and pushed against Angel harder, like they were lovers, maybe. Not like she was egging Ultear on to do the unthinkable. "Lift the hammer, baby. Hit her pretty face. Hit her. Fuck her up good and then we can be together. I know you're scared but after you've done it once, you won't even think about the second time. Everything can be easier. You can be free."
There was a monster inside of her. It fed off pain and it fed off hate and it saw her in the truest of light, just like Zeref had. She'd never wanted anything easy. She wanted Gray because she wasn't supposed to. She wanted Cana because she was cold, she wanted Zeref because he was always denying her, she wanted Natsu because he wanted to be hurt, and she wanted Flare because Flare was a wildfire. It was like she wanted to suffer. Not just wanted but needed. Angel didn't do this to her. She'd done it to herself.
Flare straightened; she'd gone from smiling to flat-mouthed. "Ultear." She said her name very differently than Angel had. Angel's had been full of pleading. Flare's was brimming with disappointment. "I told you to hurt her!"
"And then what?" Ultear asked. "We go on a rampage, me and you, killing everyone you think deserves it?"
"They've been awful to you. Zeref—"
"No one's ever treated me in a way I never allowed. I liked it." There was something building in her chest; she didn't recognize it as a laugh until it was out in the open, though. It belonged to the darkest corners of the underground garage.
Angel was looking at her strangely. Flare's mouth twitched. She reached for the hammer. "I'll do it myself."
Ultear held it out of her range. "No. Untie her, we're leaving."
Her rage evolved into a dangerously desperate thing. "You can't leave me."
"Untie her."
Flare swung again for the hammer; Ultear shoved her so hard, Flare fell to the ground. Her hair wrapped around her neck, a violently red rope, and dragged over the dirty ground. It puffed in front of her red mouth. She was breathing heavily and her eyes were alive with anger.
"Untie her."
Flare got to her feet. Ultear adjusted her grip on the hammer, ready for anything. Except for Flare drifting away. Ultear watched her glide over the concrete and up the driveway they'd come down originally. It was just her and Angel.
Ultear pulled out her phone to call the police. There was no service. She swung back around and focused on the ropes.
Angel said, "I thought you were going to kill me." Her breath and skin smelled sour.
She'd thought so too, for a moment. "Shut up, I need to concentrate."
Angel said, "She hit me with a baseball batt and her and that guy brought me down here."
"I said shut up." The knots were complex and tight. Angel had been pulling on them. The rope dug into her wrists and made them chapped and red; her hands were too pink, too. And she was cold. Ultear could feel her shivering.
Angel couldn't seem to stop talking. "They only let me up to go to the bathroom. And came with me. To make sure I didn't drink any water. Or try to escape—"
Ultear pushed Angel, too, slamming her shoulders back against the wall. "Shut the fuck up and let me think."
Angel quieted. Ultear got one knot loose but not undone when she heard Flare's return. She wasn't walking so lightly now, feet dragging on occasion.
"Fuck," Angel swore. Ultear hefted her hammer again and turned around.
"I'm not doing this, Flare. You need to fuck off—"
Flare was carrying a sledgehammer. Its head would bounce off the ground on occasion, creating a flat metallic clink. Ultear's hammer, which had seemed so deadly just a short time ago, felt useless now.
"I told you." Flare hefted the hammer and rested it on her thin shoulders. "I told you if I had to do it myself, you wouldn't like it. I should have started with this, though. That's what Daddy says. Always go big."
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Fixing you," she spat. "I should have known you'd never be faithful, Ultear. I should have known. I do this all the time. Daddy told me that, too. I'd just get hurt again. It'd be like Lisanna all over again. I hoped, though, because I really did love you."
"You're insane."
"I'm heartbroken."
Ultear didn't believe she'd swing until the hammerhead was actually coming for her. She had to skip back to avoid some broken ribs. Every bit of her body was humming with adrenaline; she temporarily forgot her damaged chest. "Are you for real right now?"
Flare hefted the hammer and tried again, an overhead swing that she followed through, bending her legs. Ultear scurried out of range. Hunks of concrete broke away from the floor, the hammer jarred aside. Flare screamed and renewed her attack. If her arms were tired, she gave no indication, swinging again and again, twirling it around herself to get some momentum and hitting the wall. Ultear's palms were sweaty; she searched for an escape. Where could she go? Every move she made, Flare was there, and she was backing her into a corner.
The last time she swung, Ultear had to bat the handle away; her entire hand went numb; Angel screamed. "Stop it!"
Flare whipped around and looked at her. Angel shrunk beneath her glare but she had nowhere to go. Flare asked, "Why does she protect you? Does she love you? Were you just playing with me this entire time? You don't actually hate each other? That's why you won't kill her, isn't it? Lisanna tricked me the same way, she said she wasn't going to see him but she was. You're lying to me. You all lie to me!"
She moved quickly for a girl so burdened, lifting the hammer over her head like it was an axe. Ultear's monster came to the surface as it had the night Natsu was being attacked. She lifted her own hammer and brought it down on the back of Flare's head. Ultear didn't see blood until Flare dropped her sledge and touched the back of her head. She staggered. Ultear hit her again and discovered Flare was right, she didn't even think about it the second time. Or the one after that.
She made Flare ugly first and then made her dead. She beat her until her hands were red. She beat her until strong hands closed on her wrists and then ripped the hammer away. She was pulled off Flare and forced to turn around to face someone unexpected. Silver wasn't supposed to be there. He didn't belong under Tartarus. But there he was with a flashlight and a gun he was struggling to put back in his holster. He was in a suit, the one he wore into work, a vest, and shiny black boots.
His mouth was moving. He was asking her questions. Sound roared in her ears and she couldn't understand. He shook her. Ultear felt almost nothing. She kept on feeling nothing, even when he hugged her, the father she never wanted.
After a doctor cleaned her up and looked her over and deemed that she was dealing with a concussion and fractures to her collarbone, Silver collected her and brought her to the precinct. She changed in the bathroom into a pair of tights and a wraparound sweater. Her other clothes went into evidence.
Then she found herself in the same room she'd been in after she beat Natsu's attackers with a crowbar. Silver was with her. He was drinking coffee laced with espresso.
"How bad is this going to be?" Ultear asked.
"I can't say. It was self-defence but this isn't your first violent offence."
"You mean when those guys were attacking Natsu?"
"When you were nearly charged with assault with a weapon."
"They would have killed him if I didn't do anything. He was outnumbered."
"It doesn't look good."
"It was self-defence."
"I'm just telling you the facts, Ultear."
She sat back in her chair and tried to cross her arms. It hurt. She gave up and asked, "How did you guys find me?"
"Jellal Fernandez was on his way to the prison to visit a client and said he recognized you. He wouldn't say how, though." Silver looked her over, waiting for an explanation.
"Natsu's dating his niece," she said. He seemed to accept that. Ultear asked, "Where's my mom?"
"In my office, waiting," he responded.
"Can I see her?"
"That's not a good idea right now, Ultear."
"Is that a nice way of saying she hates me?"
"She doesn't hate you, this is just a lot for her to process. First, she thought you were dead and then this."
Whatever that meant.
"Don't even worry about that right now. Just focus on your statement."
"Okay." What else could she say?
"I'll see you in a few, okay?"
"Where are you going?" She wasn't very fond of the idea of him abandoning her.
"I have some loose ends I have to tie up. Gildarts is going to take care of you."
"I don't want him to do it."
"Can't be helped. Sorry, Ultear. I'll come back when I can."
Her eyes were swimming. She hated that. Almost as much as she hated the pitying look Silver gave her before ducking out of the room. Ultear swiped at her eyes, frustrated, and got herself back under control just in time for Gildarts to come take point. He looked just as exhausted as Silver did, setting himself into the seat opposite. His brown suit was a mess, his tie was loose and his hair was sweaty. When was the last time he saw a razor?
Ultear drummed her nails on the plain metal table. "I want Silver."
"It's a conflict of interest."
"That you disregarded when it was Natsu in this chair. I want Silver."
"He's looking over the video."
The GoPro. Ultear was suddenly even more nervous. Who would that film show? A psychotic girl ruthlessly beating someone just like her because she couldn't stop? She needed to paint herself in a better light. Needed to defend her actions, otherwise, she'd never again have the opportunity to deny Zeref in prison because she'd be there, too.
The door opened and Silver poked his head back in.
"I told you I had this," Gildarts said. "Go make coffee or something."
"Ultear's lawyer is here."
She didn't have a lawyer. She struggled to see around Silver's thick frame. She saw his tattoo first and her heart did its weird palpitating one-two whenever she saw Jellal Fernandez. He sidled into the room past Silver and earned a filthy look from Gildarts.
"This is a little below your pay-grade, Mister Fernandez," Gildarts said after the door closed again.
"Pro-bono work looks good on your record, Detective," Jellal said smoothly. He sat next to Ultear. He smelled like fir and lady's perfume. Not his own, Ultear suspected.
There was a stack of papers in his hand. "I advise you to keep speaking truthfully, Ultear. Flare Corona was a very disturbed girl and you did what you needed to ensure you and Miss Agria made it out of there alive. You're a hero. I see it, even these policemen see it despite their attitude. The courts will, too, as long as you remain truthful."
He had a steady way to his hazel eyes. Ultear trusted him even as she thought of him standing idly next to Natsu as he beat the life out of Kurohebi. He had power. The kind of power she needed to keep herself safe and out of prison. And he was offering to share it with her.
"Okay."
"Go ahead."
She started way back at the beginning when she'd just met Flare. She was ashamed but she spared no details, getting into how she thought she was drugged, the eyeliner and the money. The phone calls and the conspiracies to break Silver and her mother up. She talked about Flare's lockbox and the lock of silver hair, about the dead animals she found around her property and her suspicion they were Flare. About Fairy Tail and how she thought she was drugged again, and how Flare was waiting to take her home. How Cana stepped in and saved her from doing something stupid.
She brought him all the way to Sideroad Twenty-five, where Flare and Kurohebi hit her with a baseball batt, and then into Tartarus' underground parking lot. She poured it on thick, telling them in detail about Angel. Hollow eyes and chipped nails, shaking body, starvation and dehydration. The despair that clung to the concrete walls and Flare's lunacy. She didn't make anything up that she couldn't, remembering it was all on film.
Gildarts looked disturbed when she finished up. He had thirteen pages of notes all scratched in thin, concise letters, and a deep frown line by his mouth. "Thank you, Ultear. I'll let your mom know she can bring you home. Stick around, though, in case we need you again."
Jellal helped Ultear stand. "Gray Fullbuster expressed to me that Ultear was staying with him."
Gildarts sucked on his tooth. "She's going to need an official address change if that's how it's going to be."
"We'll get on that immediately. Thank you, Detective," Jellal said and opened the door for Ultear. She stepped out into the cold hallway and felt like she was walking through a holodeck program. Gray was waiting for her in the waiting room. Her mother still wasn't there.
He didn't crush her in a hug but he held out his hand and she took it.
Gray's shower was so hot, it made Ultear's skin sting. She stood beneath the spray and tried to remember how it felt standing in the underground parking lot with the hammer in her hand but all she got was bits and pieces. Red ropes of hair, slick skin, Angel's sobs.
The curtain slid back slowly and Gray entered. He was nude and his eyes were red. The smell of marijuana clung to him.
"Hey," Ultear said.
He touched her arms in the same places Silver had but didn't stop there. He moved up to her shoulders and across her chest to her bruise. It was an ugly flower that caressed her throat and her breasts. He wasn't shy around any of it; like he needed to feel it, and not to bring him peace. Gray, like her, it seemed, liked it best when he felt tortured.
Ultear took his wrist and pulled his hand up so he was cradling her cheek. He moved in achingly slow. Drugs or doubt? But he kissed her. They fit together. Perfectly. His sickness fed her own. And she needed him there to keep feeding it. Otherwise, she felt like she was going to grow up and blow away.
He rested his forehead against hers. "I should have come."
"It wouldn't have mattered. She was there almost as soon as I left."
"But I'd feel better."
"Then what would you have to torture yourself with?"
His face soured. She waited for the lash back; it wasn't coming. Not in the form she expected. "Did you go to the prison because you still love him?"
"I love things about him," she said honestly. Gray squeezed her arms a little tighter. "I told him I wasn't going to see him again."
"And you meant it?"
"I want to."
That seemed good enough for him. He kissed her again. "I'm glad nothing happened after. With Flare."
But it had. She'd evolved into the monster she was supposed to be. He knew it and he didn't seem to care.
Ultear had another moment of clarity. He knew who she was when she was at her most terrible, slinging insults and spitting poison, he knew who she was that night behind Natsu's with a crowbar in her hand, and he knew who she was when she was sitting on his counter and he was buried inside her. He knew who she was when he said I love you.
"Can you tell me again? What you said to me in the kitchen?"
He searched her eyes. "I love you."
I love you. It rolled over her, both repulsive and welcoming. I love you. Both a rot and spring water. I love you. It changed everything and nothing because it had always been so.
His mouth pressed to hers again. Gentle. Gray was always so gentle at first, and Ultear always wanted it so rough. He would not budge on it, taking his time, careful with her head, careful with her chest. He kissed her too much. He fucked her not fast enough, against the wall with her legs around his middle, though he was diligent in making her come.
He finished on the bottom of the tub and told her again, "I love you," and she knew they were both fucked. How could they not be?
"Is there anymore weed?"
"In the drawer in the living room."
"Thanks."
He pressed his lips to her cheek and exited the bathroom. Ultear waited until she almost couldn't breathe, the steam was so thick, and then got out.
Gray was in the kitchen when she came downstairs in her thin, satin robe. He'd taken the liberty of packing his pipe for her. She could have smoked it inside but wanted the fresh air on her skin. It was warmer than it had been in months. It was going to rain; the air was heavy with it. For now, the sky was only thick with clouds. She turned on the front porch light because she wanted the noise of the street and took up residence on the concrete.
Her phone went off twice when she was out there. First Natsu texted her saying, I heard what happened. Are you okay?
She assured him she was fine; he invited her over. She sat on her reply. Being close to Natsu was kind of like being close to Zeref. She could almost touch his rage; it scared her; it enthralled her. And she didn't trust herself not to fuck things up for him, as Zeref said.
The next person to text was Cana. I'm around the corner, she said.
Ultear responded, I'm outside.
Cana appeared on foot. She wasn't holding anything alcoholic but her steps were truncated. "My dad told me what happened. Are you okay?"
Ultear looked for fear in Cana's expression but all she saw was concern. "Kind of fucked up."
"Yeah. I bet." Cana sat beside her. "I knew she was crazy but…"
"Your dad said she was good for Lisanna Strauss's murder as well."
"Holy fuck. It's just so…"
Insane. And horrible. And exciting, if she looked way deep down.
"Was it terrible? Killing her?"
"Not as terrible as you'd think," Ultear said honestly. "I'm afraid that makes me just like her." And Zeref.
"I wouldn't have felt bad, either." Cana said the words but didn't know what that meant. She'd never killed anyone. Ultear wasn't about to alienate herself any more than she already had, though, and let it go. Cana picked a pebble off Gray's stair and threw it onto the walkway. "Are you going to stay here?"
"I think so."
"You should come by sometimes," Cana told the grey sky.
That was as good as telling her all was forgiven. "What about Ivan?"
"He's dealing with the fallout from Flare. He'll be too busy for a while, I'm sure. Besides, if anyone were to come against you now it'd look badly on him, wouldn't it? People would be asking questions. So, if you want to roll out of my place at five in the morning in your underwear, go ahead."
"You could come over here too, you know," Ultear offered.
Cana stood. "Yeah. Maybe I will."
Ultear was on her own again. She lit her pipe and inhaled a huge gust of smoke. She held it for as long as she possibly could before releasing it. Through the haze, she saw a car pulled up to the curb. A figure ascended the driveway.
She wasn't scared; Jellal Fernandez had a very particular sway to his shoulders.
"That stuff is garbage," he greeted firstly.
"What kind of lawyer knows about garbage drugs?"
"All good lawyers do. High stress."
"Well, garbage or not, my head's a mess," Ultear said.
"Because you discovered who you were?"
"I always knew who I was. I just discovered what that person was capable of."
"And it scared you." Ultear brought her lighter back to the bowl. Jellal took it from her and filled her hands with something else. Another pipe with some light brown powder inside. "Try this instead."
"What's this?"
"Some people like to call it Dream Gun."
"And what is it really?"
"Opium."
She'd had it before; it was sweet and numbing. Stronger than marijuana and maybe just what she needed. "What's that going to cost?"
"Nothing."
"That's bullshit," Ultear said. "You want something." They always did.
Jellal leaned back against Gray's porch. "Alright. You're special, Miss Milkovich. You're smart, you're ruthless, but you're also level-headed."
She didn't feel level-headed when she was pounding Flare into the concrete. She felt rabid.
"You're fiercely loyal to those close to you. Perhaps I do want to take advantage of you while you feel like you have no place to go."
She raised her eyebrow. "I live here."
Jellal was charming when he smiled; it softened his words. "You have a place to live, but do you have a place to belong? Will you go back to your family home, your job, where the people there will treat you like a monster, or will you do nothing? People without purpose become lost, and you, Miss Milkovich, do not look like the kind of girl that wants to wander listlessly, alone. You want a chance to discover this new you. And you need a safe environment in which to do so."
Like Zeref, he saw her too clearly.
"So you're right. The opium is a pretense. But I want something much more valuable than money. Friendship."
She liked the idea of having friends in high places. She lit the pipe. "Tell me what it means to be your friend."
A.N.
Once, my friend chased me around with a sledgehammer. We're not friends anymore.
Aside from that morbid little allegory, this is the end. There will be a sequel. The last, hopefully. It will be a Jerza. I don't know when I'll get to it.
Thanks so much, everyone that took a chance and stuck through reading this story. Some of you have been with me since Noir. Some of you are new. All of you are fantastic. Thanks so much.