After my screaming fit, I'd prepared for mockery from Sarah's crew but the mood was disturbingly sombre.

The skies are grey. The sun is bleached of radiance. Above, the sails droop like rotting flaps of skin. Without wind or rain, I can't feel the change from below decks to fresh air. The great outdoors are a lifeless prison.

Everyone's constantly moving, as if to shake off the claustrophobia. Sarah prowls the stern, watching yellow smoke emerge from a dull metal chimney. The smell is weak. I fear my senses are fading with the world.

Even Sarah's banter sounds tired. 'You're a marvel. The sea's flat as a board and you're still wobbly.' Her hair is clearly damaged. There are cracks in her façade.

'At least I can provide some entertainment after waking you all up. Sorry for the disturbance.'

'Don't worry about it. Everyone's on edge. I couldn't sleep either.' She rubs her eyes. They're shot through with blood. 'Sole reason I'm upright is because of this damn engine. I can't relax when it's on.'

'What is it?'

'Some weird Zaun bullshit. You chuck anything inside and it unravels the…' She waves. 'Pfft, I don't know. Point is, you feed it, we move. If you want to go quick, you feed it corpses.'

'How did you…?'

'People fight us. We chop 'em, salt 'em and serve 'em. Don't act all innocent. You'd have tried it as well.'

'I've organised enough pyres.' The moral high ground seems very distant. 'How close are we?'

'Four days without wind. From past experience, we've got enough juice to limp ashore, but if the Shadow Isles aren't full of bodies, we'll be stranded.' She shrugs. 'I'm pretty hopeful.'

'And if there's nothing?'

'We draw lots, or pray that we get struck by lightning.'

'Volibear could help with that.' I wish I knew more about engines. 'What uses lightning?'

'I've got an experimental thruster that runs off it. We can escape anything when it's fully primed. Obviously, there's a catch.'

'Is it worse than feeding someone to the Zaun furnace?'

'Kind of. The thruster shakes the hull to pieces. Only worth the risk if you can feel death's hand on your thigh.'

The sea watches like a sleeping dragon. 'At least we'd all sink or swim together.'

'Not my style, babe. Also, the coils disintegrate anyone stupid enough to go near. Maybe the holy storm or whatnot will protect Voli, but you know his powers better than I do.'

'He can regenerate. If there are limits, I'd rather not see them.'

'It's all good. I'm sure our destination is a graveyard.' We hear laughter from below. Sarah cocks an eyebrow then looks over the railing. 'Someone's cheerful.'

I stare hard enough that my nerves twinge. A group of deckhands are chatting with a… confidently dressed young woman. Quinn is wearing a bodice. I can spy the top of her breasts. A pretty mole crowns one fair slope. Her tight leggings are on display to the world without her cloak to hide them. I think the deckhands are complimenting her. She flutters her eyes and sways her hips. I'm stunned.

Sarah brightens. 'Our little Demacian's come out of her shell. Can't say I blame her, growing up in a puritanical shithole. I hope she bangs everyone. It'll do wonders for morale.'

I feel betrayed. Quinn and I had shared all except her natural hair colour and chest. I'd accepted her boundaries with grace. Now she's flaunting herself to men.

Is this revenge?

Sarah prods me. 'You're getting ideas, aren't you? By the kraken, if a bit of boob's all it takes for you to jump ship, I'd have worn a higher top.'

I gather my composure. 'Where did she get that from?'

'You have to ask? She came to me for advice.'

'Quinn spoke to you?'

'Like you barbarians know anything about fashion. Quinn's fit as a fiddle, so all she has to do is wear clothes that fit.' She chuckles at her own wordplay. 'When I told her that, she got flustered. Apparently, she wanted to feel more like a woman.'

'She is a woman.'

'Yeah, go on. Say the right things if you must. We both know she looks like a boy.'

'She's too pretty.'

Sarah looks at me with suspicion. 'Boys are pretty. Did you seriously think she was a girl when you first saw her?'

'…No.' Please don't ask if I found her attractive because of that. Every answer would incriminate me.

'Well then, easiest fix was to get her tits out. She wouldn't change in front of me, so I dug out something adjustable and showed her the laces. I'm glad she went through with it. She's a nice girl, down to earth, popular with the crew, still don't think she'll be much use battling wraiths but we got Volibear for that.'

'She told me she hated her breasts.'

'Really? Didn't think you were close enough to share that kind of thing.' Sarah's far too curious about our relationship. I hope she's digging for sport, rather than advantage.

'Weren't you two swapping clothes? There's a lot she can tell us that she can't tell other Demacians.'

'Point taken.'

'Either way, that's a huge leap for Quinn. I don't know what to make of it.'

'Ah… they grow up so fast.' Sarah's eyes flicker. 'You got any kids, Ashe?'

'No, sadly.'

'Barren?'

'It's complicated.'

'I'm surprised. You're Queen, right? Shouldn't you provide an heir before gallivanting off to the Shadow Isles?'

'Yes.' I recall Sejuani's threat of endless war should I bear someone else's child. She has a very poor grasp of her own jealousy. There's no spectrum. She claims total indifference to my affairs and expresses all-consuming rage at a dynastical obligation. We're both aware that our bloodlines have to continue but we don't have a solution.

Regardless of how things resolve, I'd love to see her kids one day. Perhaps I'm foolish, advancing motherhood as an easy cure for Sejuani's tangled psyche, but I need fragments of hope.

I feel Sarah's anticipation. Sorry but I'll have to deflect. 'What about you?'

'Kind of.'

'What?'

'Well, you got nothing to do with Bilgewater, so… yeah, I've got a daughter, somewhere.' She grips the railing with both hands. 'When I was young, I took full advantage of my body. Sex and vengeance were my reasons to live. You suck off a merchant, you get a discount on hextech rounds and another bounty. Soon, I had a rep as a good shot and a good fuck. Life was bearable… until I missed a period.'

'I think we've all been reckless.'

'I was more than reckless. I was in total denial. "Oh, I can't be knocked up. I got no time! I gotta do this. I gotta do that." Thought if I carried on, like I weren't expecting, it would fix itself, that I'd eat uncooked shrimp and shit everything out… what a fucking idiot.

'Once I came to my senses, I got really scared. I locked myself in a room, thinking if I stayed in one place… if I didn't see the sun rise… then time would stop. I blacked out all the windows, rammed little bits of cork into my lugholes to silence everyone passing. You know, hawkers telling you it's morning, whores telling you it's night. You're supposed to feel this rainbow of emotion but all I felt was dread. I wasn't even hungry, like, how's that supposed to work?'

'I guess it's different for all of us.'

'Yeah, but you'd think there'd be some things in common. Eventually, I… er… can't remember the…' She covers her face. 'No… I can. It's my body that doesn't remember. After all that pain and pressure, my back should be at a right angle and my snatch, wide as a cannonball. When I look over my skinny waist and feel my hipbones, I wonder if it was all a dream. Everything works. A whole year of my life was just a nightmare from which I got up.'

'What happened to your daughter?'

'When she was born, I felt a kind of peace, like all my bounty-hunting instincts came rushing back. I knew exactly what to do. I never touched her skin with mine. I didn't say anything. I didn't give her a name. Once I'd recovered, I left her at an orphanage and it was over. She came into the world, wept and vanished like a summer storm, so many lives told in one.'

'Do you know if she's…?'

'Alive? No, too dangerous. I can't afford any weaknesses.'

I hold my tongue to give her space but the lifeless atmosphere is too grim to bear. 'Do you think about her?'

'Not really. She was a terrible mistake, and she's better off with people who think otherwise.'

'Perhaps one day, you'll be…'

'No, the tale ended seven years ago. There's no follow up. If we laid eyes on each other, we'd walk on by. She wouldn't see her mother.'

'Seven years…' I can't imagine having a child that grown. 'How old are you, Sarah?'

'Depends on who's asking. If we're not likely to fuck, I'm twenty-six.'

'You're the same age as me, and you were Quinn's age when…' I can't finish the sentence.

'I guess. That how old she is? I thought she was twelve. You can do maths, right?'

I kick at Sarah's heels. Quinn is talking to yet another group of men. I stare until she notices. There's a break in their conversation while she watches me with blank intensity. Her admirers glimpse their fearsome captain and run for their lives.

How should I react? Why is Quinn doing this? After a tense moment, she waves, an awkward, sad little gesture, then leaps onto the rigging. She has long legs for her small body. Her muscles coil and extend all the way to the crow's nest.

I realise what she was waiting for, my hesitation, proof that I'm considering every move because of her.

Sarah frowns. 'What was that all about? "Look at me, big sis!" Are you leading her astray?'

'Perhaps.'

'Right on, babe. We'll corrupt all of Demacia before we're chased out of town.'

'Assuming we survive.'

'Gotta plan for tomorrow. Never know when it will come.'

'You're right.' We can't always trust we'll have an early grave in which to hide. 'Sorry for bringing you down.'

'You didn't. I rarely get a chance to level, so I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy.' She rests her cheek on her palm. 'I think you had it worse. Can't be fun hearing about someone who gave up their kid like it was nothing.'

'You shouldn't have to change your feelings to spare mine.'

'Goes both ways. You can be pissed off. I can take it.'

'Thanks.' I believe her. 'You're a good woman, Sarah.'

'Why? For being civil when nothing's at stake?' She turns up her nose. 'I'm a heartless bitch otherwise, don't you forget it. Only reason I'm being sweet is because I got something in return. A sympathetic ear's worth more than gold in Bilgewater.'

'Then all you have to do is keep finding reasons to be sweet.'

'You don't ask for much. What are yours then? Destiny, power, love?'

'Power makes me cruel, and love makes me crueller still. As for destiny, perhaps I'm a rock in destiny's river, blocking all progress until I'm cast aside.'

'Eh, the world's a messed up place. If you go blaming yourself, you won't change what you can,' she says. 'Every chapter of my life consists of me getting five big things wrong and a hundred little things right. You don't lose it all by getting pregnant. You lose it all by not oiling your guns, locking your room or cooking your fish right.'

'If we succeed, I might achieve the impossible and ruin everything else.'

'You left some bodies in your wake?'

'We'll see.' Quinn, Volibear and I have all crossed our own. We may not suffer but our lives will never be the same. 'Perhaps I'll restring and wax my bow, make a start on those little things.'

'Sounds like a plan.' Sarah gives my hip a firm smack. 'Whatever happens, I've enjoyed our little chats. Even if you keep staring at my tits.'

'You wish.' I have trouble taking them seriously.

'Only kidding. You're into little boys.' Winking, Sarah points upwards. 'You bunk up last night? Would explain why she's all frisky today.'

'Leave her alone.'

'Ain't her I'm winding up.' Sarah leaves with a twirl and shimmy. Halfway across the deck, she calls out, 'You should fuck her brains out while you've got the chance! Die with no regrets!'

'I'd rather lay her than you!'

Sarah bursts out laughing and retires to her cabin.