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WARNING!
This story contains subject matter which may be offensive to some readers. I will try to post a warning before each chapter if I feel there is a need, but the story in general deals with mature themes.
I know, oh yes
I know that we can't
Be together
But, I just like to dream
It's so strange
The way our paths have crossed
How we were brought together
And I'm flying so high
High off the ground
When you're around
And I can feel your high
Touching me inside
And it's too much to hide
-Jem
EPOV
We wait at the train station for over two hours. Time is dragging by. It's now eight o'clock, but the train is nowhere in sight. I check our tickets again, wondering if I screwed up, but no, they say today's date at eight p.m. Bella keeps going between being extremely nervous to being excited for the trip.
At the moment, she's acting nervous again. I reach across the bench and squeeze her hand, hoping it will give her some comfort. She looks at me, biting her lip.
"You ok?" I ask. She nods, but continues to chew on her lip. She's been quiet since we arrived here. Conversation has been a struggle. I can only imagine the internal battle she's facing going back to the place she used to call home.
I decide to try and distract her while we wait to ease her nerves.
"Train," I say.
"Where?" she asks.
"No," I say rolling my eyes. "Train, how do you say it?"
"Oh." She catches on. "Treno, train."
I repeat after her and move on to the next item I see.
"Ticket?"
"Biglietto, ticket." I repeat it back.
"Newspaper?"
"Giornale, newspaper."
Our impromptu lesson continues, and it seems to relax her some.
A half an hour late, the train pulls up. We get on and find our seat numbers. I'm relieved when the train pulls away and the seats around us stay empty. I can feel my seat vibrating; I look over to Bella, and she's shaking so hard in her seat.
"Hey," I say, putting an arm around her. She immediately buries her head into the crook of my neck, and I can feel her hot tears on my skin. I rub her back and wonder to myself if this was a good idea after all. Maybe this is too much, too soon for her. I remind myself the last time she was on a train, she was alone and running from hell, from Satan himself. She calms a little, her shaking stops, as well as the tears. She sits fully back into her own seat and gives me a weak smile.
"Sorry, Edward," she says softly.
"Don't be. I understand," I say, and I do. She's brave to go back home; it's something I haven't been able to do. I would ask her what she's worried or scared about, but I know the answer - everything.
"You hungry?" I ask, since we haven't eaten since lunch.
"I am, but just let me run to the bathroom and wash my face," she says. I nod and lean back, getting comfortable in my seat ready for the long trip. I prop my feet on the chair across from me, feeling relaxed. I look down the aisle to see Bella still standing there, about five rows up, not moving. She glances back at me, and it takes no more. I'm out of my seat and by her side before she can even say my name.
Once I reach her side, I notice there's a group of about five guys sitting together right outside the restrooms. They're all in their early twenties. They're being loud and joking around. They don't seem to be giving Bella any trouble; I don't think they've even noticed her yet, but she can't get over her fears and walk past them. She doesn't even need to tell me what she needs. I grab her hand and pull her to my side.
I walk with her on my left side, so the guys are on my right. The closer we get to the group, the stiffer she gets. When we reach the bathrooms, she shoots me a look of apology. She looks embarrassed and slips into the little room, shutting the door behind her. I stand by the door waiting for her to finish. The guys who freaked her out seem harmless enough. They shoot me an odd look every once in a while, probably wondering why I'm guarding the bathroom door.
When she comes back out, I once again place her on the side furthest away from her biggest fear - men. We make it back to our seats, and I pull our duffle out to get us some snacks.
"I'm sorry, Edward," I hear her say quietly.
"Sorry? For what?" I ask.
"For... not being normal. For not..." I cut her off before she can continue.
"No, stop. Bella, you're acting completely normal for what you've been through. Don't worry about it; you know I don't mind." I would never tell her, and I hate to even admit it to myself, but I love how dependent she is on me. I know it's not ok, and I hate the reason why she's dependent; I just like that she needs me. So far I haven't fucked up, I've kept her safe. I couldn't keep my mom safe; I failed her. I would do whatever I could to keep Bella safe, I wouldn't fuck up this time.
After we eat, we both relax. It's after ten, and the train is still making its way through Washington, heading north to Seattle. The whole cabin is quiet, and the lighting is dim. People are reading or sleeping. Bella's nerves seem to have calmed down a lot, and she has just fallen asleep, the train's movements rock her gently. My nerves seem to be getting worse the closer we get to Seattle.
I start thinking about things I never thought of before I planned this trip. What if she gets there and feels right back at home, and realizes what a loser I am? What if she decides she doesn't want to be with someone she met me while living on the streets? She might realize she could do so much better than me. What if the only reason she cares for me is because she feels safe around me? What happens when she can be around people again and is no longer afraid, what of me then?
My stomach twists into knots thinking about all of this. I stand and walk around her careful not to wake her and go to the bathroom. I splash some water on my face, feeling like a fool. This is why I never get close to anyone, because there's no point. As soon as she's able, she will drop me so fast. I feel like a fucking tool for becoming so invested in her. I've learned in my time on my own to not believe in other people, they always let you down.
I find myself wishing I would've just kept her in Portland with me, never giving her the opportunity to heal and grow - never giving her the opportunity to grow away from me. I feel guilty for even thinking this way.
She's been through so much and deserves nothing but the best, and that's not me. I can't blame her for wanting more and when she decides she doesn't want me, I will step back. Until then, I'll try to show her I love her the only way I know how, by keeping her safe and taking care of her. I can't regret meeting her or falling for her. My life has been hell since I was twelve, she's the only good thing that's happened to me, and I will hold on to her as long as I can.
Once I regain my composure, I walk back to our seats to find Bella still fast asleep. As soon as I sit, she twists her body and reaches her hand out to find me in her sleep. When she touches me, I can visibly see her whole body relax. She sighs my name, and I feel a spark of hope, maybe I'm overacting, maybe she won't leave me as soon as she feels safe somewhere else. I wonder if there's any chance that maybe she loves me too. I shake the thought off quickly, not wanting to set myself up for what would surely be failure.
If Jake were here and knew what I was thinking, he would tell me to stop acting like a pussy. I decide to take his imaginary advice and actively shut down my thought process and join Bella in sleep until we reach our destination.
~E*B~
"Edward. Edward." I feel myself being shaken and soft fingers run through my hair. I lean into whoever is touching me, pushing my head towards the fingers that feel so good. I hear a giggle and open my eyes to see Bella's sweet smile.
"We're here; we have to get off the train," she says quietly, reaching for our bag.
"No, I got it," I say, my voice coming out thick with sleep. I refuse to let her carry the heavy bag. She releases the handle and stands. She adjusts her clothing and runs a hand through her hair. I rub both hands over my face, trying to shake the sleep off, and I run a hand through my own hair, wishing it was Bella's hand; I love it when she does that. I stand and stretch, my body feels stiff and a little sore from the odd position I was in. I throw the bag over my shoulder, grab Bella's hand and walk off the train. We step onto the platform at the station and are blinded by the bright lights. Even though it's pitch black outside, they have the station lit like a fucking football stadium. I see Bella take her free hand and rub her eyes.
The temperature in Seattle is cold. I'm shivering, and I can feel Bella do the same. Once free from the train station completely, I pull Bella to a bench and have her sit. I throw the duffle down next to her and we dig our warmest sweatshirts out.
"Brrrr," she says, pulling it over her head.
"I know. Fuck," I say, pulling my own sweatshirt on.
Once I get my sweatshirt on, I see Bella stand and look all around her. I walk up behind her and slowly wrap my arms around her. I feel her lean against me.
"Pretty, huh?" I whisper into her hair in regards to Seattle at night.
"It really is. This is one place my mom and I always wanted to go; we wanted to come here and see the ballet during Christmas time... but it never happened." I feet bad this is her only memory of Seattle. I squeeze her a little tighter to me, rubbing my hands up and down her arms to try and warm her.
"Well, maybe on the way back, we can spend a few nights here."
She nods. "I would like that, I think." The position we're standing in feels strangely intimate, having her so close and protected in my arms. For a slight second, I forget all our fucked up problems and get the sense of being normal, I feel like a normal couple staring at the lights of Seattle. As much as I like the feeling, we're both getting colder the longer we stand here. Reluctantly, I release my hold on her.
"Should we get to the ferry?" I ask. She agrees, saying she's pretty cold.
The walk there isn't too bad but when we arrive, we realize that the ferries aren't running this late. Fuck, I feel like an idiot for not looking into this. I stand trying to figure out what to do. Should I take Bella to try to find a hotel for the night? That would take a big chunk of our money for only a few hours in a room...
"Why don't we just stay here?" Bella asks, noticing my struggle.
"No," I say. If it were just me, that would be fine. I won't let her sleep in a ferry terminal though.
"Edward, just listen. It's after one, the first ferry is at six, and it makes sense. It's warmer in here, let's just stay here." Her reasoning makes sense, but I can't help the overwhelming feeling in my gut that doesn't want her sleeping anywhere except for a clean bed. After talking for a while, I relent, knowing it's the smartest choice. There are a few others in the terminal, a couple of them eyeing Bella. I wrap an arm around her protectively, making it clear she's with me.
We get as comfortable as we can on a bench. I lean back, resting my head uncomfortably on the back of the bench. Bella is on her side, laying her head in my lap. I run my fingers through her hair and she falls asleep almost instantly. I, however, do not. I decide to stay awake, knowing not to let my guard down. Portland could be nasty, and I'm sure Seattle could be worse. I don't know exactly where I am and don't know my escape options, so I keep my eyes wide open, monitoring all the activity around me.
The night passes excruciatingly slow. Nothing exciting happens, and I am more than ok with that. I sit and watch as the sun just barely starts to rise. People start to arrive and buy tickets for the ferry.
"Bella, baby," I say as I shake her. I have no idea what compelled me to call her that, but it feels right. I'm getting more and more comfortable with our relationship becoming more intimate. She wakes and stretches. She watches our stuff as I jog over and purchase the tickets.
The ride over is beautiful. We watch the sun rise with the cold air licking our faces, the salty smell of the water rising, mixing with the air of the fresh day. When we can't take the cold anymore, we make our way into the shelter of the ferry. It's fairly crowded; there's an assortment of different people filling the seats, but we can still see the water on this level. There's nowhere to sit; all the seats are occupied.
Bella, I can tell, is very nervous to be around all these people. She's glued to my side and focusing on the water, I can tell she's trying control her panic. We've been standing for a little while when I feel a large hand on my back. I turn placing Bella behind me ready for whatever's about to go down. When I turn I am face to face with a large Native American man, feathers around his neck and all. His long hair is pulled back into a pony tail. He's wearing a large smile, and keeps his hand on my shoulder. I shrug him off, about to tell him to fuck off when he speaks up.
"Hey there, little lady," he says with a big smile, trying to get Bella's attention. She doesn't respond.
"What do you need?" I ask, speaking for her.
"Just offering the lady my seat. Isn't right, all these men sitting while there are so many ladies standing," he says, loud enough for said men around him to hear. I look at the seat he's offering and see a woman who is obviously his wife sitting in the one next to it. The couple looks to be in their fifties, they seem warm and friendly.
"Oh, Harry," the woman sitting says, shaking her head, obviously embarrassed by his display. She reaches out and grabs Bella by the hand, pulling her to the seat. Bella gasps and clings to my hand for dear life. I step as close as I can to the chair so she can maintain contact with me.
"Here, sweetheart, have a seat before he really embarrasses us," she says to Bella with a laugh.
"Thank you," I hear Bella softly say to the woman.
"Harry's the name, Harry Clearwater," he says, thrusting his huge hand in my direction.
"This is my wife, Sue," he says, she gives me a little wave.
"Edward Masen," I say, shaking his hand that is gripping mine... hard. "This is my..." Shit what do I say in front of her? does she want me to call her my girlfriend? "My... Bella," I finish, not knowing what else to say but realizing immediately how stupid saying my Bella sounded.
"Bella and Edward Masen. That sure has a nice ring to it, and you two are very attached... literally." The woman, Sue, says with a laugh pointing to our hands that are still locked, awkwardly together.
"Newlyweds?" she asks. I cough loudly, choking on nothing. Harry slaps me on the back fucking hard. I've never thought of being married, but hearing Bella's name attached to mine, sounds... right.
"Whoa there, son," he says, as he continues 'helping' me by pounding on my back.
"No, we're not married," I hear Bella say softly, her cheeks flush with embarrassment.
"Hmm, well it's really obvious you have something special going on there. A real connection, hold on to it," she says with a smile and a wink to Bella. I like these two more and more. Harry's loud, but a funny, nice guy. Bella gets comfortable enough with Sue to let go of my hand, even though she keeps her eyes on me almost the whole time.
"Where you two heading? On vacation?" Sue asks.
"Uh... yes," Bella says, shooting me a panicked look. I'm confident these two have nothing to do with Alec so I speak up.
"We're going to Forks, just time for new scenery," I say. Bella's look of panic increases.
"Well we're just in La Push, not fifteen minutes from there!" Harry says with enthusiasm.
"Do you two know your way? We'd be happy to let you follow us," he offers.
"No, we don't have a car, I'm just going to call a taxi when we get to the dock," I say.
"My God, boy, you made of gold? That will be one expensive car ride," Harry says.
I was worried about that; I didn't know how long of a drive it was exactly.
"That's non-sense, you two will ride with us," Sue says, patting Bella's knee. I could tell with these two there really was no room for argument.
~E*B~
"Thanks again," I say as I shut the door of the car.
After we made it to the dock, we got into the back seat of the Clearwater's black Volvo SUV. It was a very nice car. On the ride to Forks, Bella stayed in the middle seat, keeping as close to me as she could. Sue and Harry told us all about their kids and home life. They were on a trip to Seattle for their anniversary. They asked us many questions, and I would just deflect every one back to them. Thank God the two liked to talk.
I offered to pay for the gas several times, but Harry just laughed me off. In the end, Sue decided she would accept payment in the form of Bella and me coming to dinner at their home while we were in town. We agreed with a laugh before they dropped us off at our hotel, well it was more like a bed and breakfast type of place.
We walk into the lobby and check into our room. When we make it in there, all I can see is the bed. I'm so tired from not sleeping at the ferry terminal. It's the afternoon, but Bella agrees she could use a nap as well. We quickly kick our shoes off and crawl in the bed. Without any hesitation, she cuddles into my side. I love that she does this on her own now, not out of fear.
We don't fall asleep right away. I tell Bella how proud of her I am and how well she did on the ferry and in the car ride over. She tells me about her fears of actually going into town, that just the drive in brought back memories. I reassure her, telling her we won't do anything she doesn't want to do which seems to calm her. We start to joke about how funny we thought the Clearwaters were.
"Goodnight, Mrs. Masen," I joke with her, using Sue's assumption.
"Sleep well my... my... Edward," she says stuttering, poking fun of my reaction of how I introduced her on the ferry.
"Ha ha," I say, tickling her. "I didn't want to call you my girlfriend and send you running for the hills," I joke.
"It wouldn't send me running," she says softly, looking down my chest.
"No?" I ask. She shakes her head. "I'll keep that in mind," I say, a little shocked at her admission of being ok with being called my girlfriend. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like girlfriend isn't even the right word, given everything she's shared with me and all we've been through these past months, it just seems like more.
~E*B~
After our nap we decide to go get something to eat, both of us starving.
"So, you're the local. Where do we go?" I ask.
"Hmm, there's this diner Mom and I liked to go to. They have awesome fries... well, they did anyway."
"Sounds great," I say. We leave the room with the sun setting. We walk briskly to the diner, wanting to get out of the cold. Bella keeps her head down; I can tell she is avoiding her surroundings, not quite ready to face it just yet. We make it to the diner, and it looks like something out of the past, like it was frozen in time. I expect everything to be black and white when we step in. There aren't many people in the diner because it's late. I figure that's for the best. I don't think Bella is in the mood for a meet and greet tonight. We go in and sit down, ordering as fast as we can.
"I'm going to go wash my hands before the food comes," she says. She walks past me the bathroom behind me. I worry. She seems to be doing ok, her panic in check. While I sit I watch the people around me. There's a group of teens with milkshakes and a few couples, but that's about it. A man walks in and greets the hostess by name; he's obviously a regular. She hands him a large bag of take out. He turns to leave, but when he does, he gasps, his eyes go wide and he drops the bag. All of the food falls out.
"Isabella?" He asks.
I hear a sharp intake of breath and a sob from behind me. I stand, ready for whatever is to come next.
Gah! Who is it?
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