I remember things. It's easy. I remember my first taste of champagne, I remember my first spell. My first regret, my second hang over, my first morning after. I remember the smells of old books, the smell of skin with the night still clinging. I remember the smell of breath, how intoxicating some one's natural taste can be. I remember the corner of a mouth. I remember the silkiness of a tie.

I don't remember a face. Everywhere I look in this bar, faces are blurs from the corner of my eye. Except they're right in front of me. Should I be making eye contact with these people? Would I have been in here had I still a memory?

I remember the pounding at the front of my forehead, and the loud obnoxious music. I have been in here before.

You know, I wanted that procedure done so that I could have him out of my life. So what the hell am I doing following him around like some lost puppy? What the hell am I doing feeling guilty for bettering my life?

If his attitude is a marker for how he's treated me, then good riddance.

So fuck James.

I walk confidently through the crowd and up to the bar. I let the bartender sneak a glance down my dress and along the curve of my hip. "Double shot of whiskey please."

He nods and pours me the shot and charges me for a single. The beauty in being beautiful is limitless. I knock the shot back and relax my throat, inviting the burning alcohol to soothe me.

My hips start kneading left and right to the beat of the song. I order another double. From the corner of my eye I see a blonde face and blue eyes following the knead of my hips and the curl of my throat as I knock back another.

"Lily, I didn't think you'd come."

I lavish him with a smile, forgetting that I'm still chewing on a lemon slice. It slips out of my mouth and lands with a wet smack on the sawdust floor between us. He chuckles and raises his pointer and middle finger to the barkeep for another round.

"It's been a bad week, need a change of scene." I answer.

He nods his head and passes me a shot. "I've had those before. Just last week a friend of mine was raided. Didn't have her travel papers with her, so they took her away as an illegal immigrant and badgered her for hours about You Know Who. The kicker of it all is that she's a native to these parts. Complete bullshit."

"Have they released her yet?"

Adam snorts. "'Course not. Crouch won't let any suspicious character go until he hammers through all the truth potions, torture curses and 'investigative liberties' that essentially take away our rights as human beings."

Investigative Liberties. That's the nickname given by the citizens for the War Time Protection Act, which has given Crouch carte blanche in his efforts to eradicate the Death Eaters. He and his team can walk into any house, establishment or gutter and pull you away. You are denied all legal rights, any protection and any chance to defend yourself. They are free to use whatever measures they choose to extract information from you. Most of the time the weaker people will cave and tell Crouch what he wants to hear no matter what the truth.

This of course results in many wild goose chases across England, spreading the Aurors wide across the country. This makes single teams easy targets, and allows for easier infiltration into the governments system.

Naturally, Crouch doesn't see it that way and the more he fucks up, the more enraged he becomes. It's only a matter of time before random sweeps across the city will become daily occurrences, and everyone will be living in empty shells that they used to call a safe haven. Crouch won't allow us to gather in small groups for fear of The Dark Lord recruiting forces. This will make all of us stand alone against a tidal wave of Death Eaters and monsters. This will make us fall. In an effort to protect his people, Crouch will be doing the exact opposite.

"Fucking sitting ducks, all of us" I mutter. Adam frowns.

"Isn't your boyfriend an Auror? I would think that living with one would make your opinion Pro-Crouch."

Uh oh.

"Well yes-

"James, right? I think I remember that. You live with him right?"

"I uh-

"Just a few streets away, if I have my information correct."

"Actually I-

"I find it very interesting that a girl of your calibre, as I remember, would end up with one of Crouch's men. I find it even more interesting that a girl as intelligent as you would have such a shameful memory for those that hurt you."

Sliced across Adam's face is a Chesire smile. The cat that caught the canary. I stare blankly at him.

"So it's true then. You really did get your memory modified."

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Adam bears down on me, one hand placed firmly around my elbow, the other hand up against the bar to trap me in. From any other perspective, we look like two lovers embracing.

", are you truly going to look me in the eye and say that you don't remember me? Perhaps that is my fault, as I did give you a false name. I apologize. Let me reintroduce myself, I am Lucius Malfoy. A few years ahead of you."

My mind is whirring. Lucius Malfoy. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Tall build.

His grip on my arm tightens and he escorts me out of the bar. The barkeep looks on in curiosity and Lucius grabs my bum in a Viking fashion that only other men truly understand. The barkeep does his Viking smile-growl in appreciation and I'm sure I can almost hear a 'HUZZAH!' come out of his mouth. I spit on Lucius' shoe and try to break away. Where is my effing wand.

Lucius yanks me back into him and then shoves me up against a wall. The wind rips out of my lungs and sends black stars in front of my eyes.

"Now, now , spitting on a man's shoe is like telling him that you think he's dirt. And you have more decorum than most snivelling women to realize that I am better than you, and that you should not interrupt perfect conversation with your impishness. As I was saying..."

He half drags half carries me deeper down Bunker Street. Up ahead I can see Knockturn intersect with Bunker. Ha, I guess that's why James told me to stay away. I'm looking at the street signs, garbage cans and the steady stream of coats and scarves. Looks like I'm on my own for this one.

"I was good friends with some one that you knew quite well. Severus, I think his name is? I recall a certain incident in the courtyards where a stray hex caught you right in the face. Did I ever apologize for that?"

A few coats and scarves are following us now. I recognize the barkeep and someone I bumped into on the way here. Wow. I'm an idiot. This is such a simple set up I can't believe I walked right into it.

Lucius steers me down Knockturn and whips out his wand. "I don't think you know of this spell, Ms. Evans, but I'm sure you'll figure it out, smart thing that you are."

He mutters an incantation and immediately I see a melting blur by the buildings. All the stores squeeze to the front of their property to make way for a rushing blur of cement and windows that comes to a grinding halt in front of us. The rest of the stores relax back into place, and shimmy to the skirts of their property to accommodate this concrete square. Painted lavishly in black and gold are the words 'Wishful Thinking Inc."

I dig my heels in and try to scream but Lucius points his wand at me, and all turns black.

-

For the second time in a few days, a dull ache pounds the front of my skull and the voices around me sound submerged in water.

"Wake up, Ms. Evans."

I squint but I can't see anything. A streetlight outside makes silhouettes of the scarves and coats. I hear the ripping sticky sound of tape and I wince as he slaps a square of it over my lips.

"Due to our dear friend Mr. Crouch, I have been tracked and my magical talents must be subdued because I would prefer that our date remain intimate. Therefore I must resort to rudimentary means to silence and control you. It is strange, Ms. Evans, we have spoken on many occasions, which I suppose you don't remember, however it is tonight that I find myself apologizing to you so many times."

He's standing over me lighting a ciggy with his cane hung over his forearm. Two thugs are standing in the background lighting their own cigs. I try screaming through the tape, but the muffled sound doesn't carry far. Lucius smirks and ashes in my hair.

"Please, Ms. Evans if you were half as smart as everyone claims you'd be spending your energy on a more effective means to gain attention. However, you are a woman, and a muggle born so I can't blame you. It is my belief that folly and feeble minds run in the family blood, but you know that."

He bends over and rips the tape and the first layer of my lips off. "I won't lie to you there was no real use for the tape except to watch you squirm. Now stand up Ms. Evans."

I look at him, and then down to my bound feet, then back up.

"I don't have all day Ms. Evans."

"Then unbind my feet, Mr. Malfoy."

"Get up Ms. Evans, or my colleagues will be forced off their slovenly arses to help you. Gods forbid."

Malfoy is higher class than your usual death eater, death follower type. He is not a fan of brutal and messy violence. Such action is below him. He prefers a quick slit to the throat and a brandy. Which scares me more because at any moment he could tire of me and nothing that I could do would change his mind in killing me. I could not barter money, information or my body for my life. I'm a mudblood. Worthless.

Under the point of his wand I try to roll onto my feet, however my hands are bound behind my back making it nearly impossible to get my balance. After a few moments, Lucius seems to decide that my foul mouth is getting too loud and he flicks his fingers at his thugs and they yank me to my feet.

"Tell me, who was the person that performed the Altering on your memory?"

"Mohammed Ali."

The thug on my right side punches me in the stomach. I can feel the gnocchi from dinner crawl up my throat in a coating of stomach bile and ooze. Lucius looks around before stepping closer.

"How did you get in contact with him?"

"Open sesame."

This time I get punched in my kidneys. I'm not a strong girl, three punches is enough for a life time if you ask me. Getting punched is not so easily recoverable like they are in the movies. It takes time for your body to rearrange itself and bruise.

"I hate to admit this, Ms. Evans, most of all to a mudblood such as yourself but I am stumped. Look around you, it's empty, however you have certainly been here. Everyone leaves a signature, or residue when they perform magic, your residue is in here. Lucky for me and my glorious leader, you do not have the technology to detect such residues. Tell me, Evans, why is your signature all over this room but the person who runs this business is nowhere to be found?"

"I don't fucking know."

"Pity."

He raises his cane and pounds it over my head. I try to fight the black but it overtakes me and I feel nothing.

-

I wake up again. It's cold and wet, meaning I'm outside. I'm lying on my side and I'm missing one of my shoes. My hands and feet are bound, my mouth is gagged and my eyes are covered. I can hear my heart slowly pumping surges of blood through my brain.

"I don't want to pick her up with the sack already on, she'll weigh a ton."

"So what do you suggest, throw her in, jump in after and then attach it?"

"No, I say we get her on the edge and then attach and then just push her over."

"Yeah, but what if she falls over before we can attach?"

"Then you'll be the one to report back to our glorious leader."

"Don't be daft."

"Howsabout we get her to stand up, walk over to the edge and then put it on her and do the whole walk the plank thing?"

"How's about you nut up and carry her so that we can go have a goddamn beer?"

Someone picks me up and throws me over their shoulder while the other one attaches something to my feet. They drag my feet over a threshold and the sack falls heavy over empty air. I can't help but whimper as they say 'On the counta three."

"Wait, do we let go on three, or after three?"

"After three."

"Okay."

"One, two, three, drop!"

The hands let go and I'm falling through the cold air, my stomach hitting the roof of my mouth. I scream through my gag. The sack crashes through something and suddenly I'm submerged in icy water. My body gasps and every muscle around my lungs seize. Everywhere around me are chunks of ice. I can feel blood beginning to seep into the water as I sink downwards, the thick chunks cutting.

My lungs are starting to panic, the last breathe I took was spent on needless screaming.

God. What was I thinking?

I can't think. The sack pulling me downwards, my hair tangled around me. Fuck, and the cold. My muscles are clenching and unclenching in a primal attempt to stay alive.

Tiny bubbles are dancing up my body and out of my mouth. A fiendish tickling.

So much pressure around me. An entire river pressing on my tiny body.

I'm tired. I think it would feel okay to breathe in water. All this pressure and I feel hollow. I wish the water would fill the hollowness. I wish I could be full.

I think this darkness would be okay.

I don't really

Hurts

Breathe

Breathe

Breathe

Lily.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

LILY.

Lily, Breathe.

Fuck, Lily breathe.

One, two, three, breathe.

Fuck off, I don't

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Stop it

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

I just, stopppp it.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

I try to smack them away. Their slick cold lips, their jabbing hands. My arms are so heavy, I can't make them move. I groan and burp up some water.

"Good girl, good girl."

They turn me over to my side and I barf up some more water. Next comes the coughing. The full body seizure to expel all water from my lungs. My throat is torn up.

The hands are back, rubbing my cheeks, my shoulders.

"Okay Lily, we're going to move you, just hang on okay, baby?"

The minutes roll by and I fade in and out, listening to the quiet murmurs and the footsteps through slush, crackly ice and cobblestone.

"Remus, run ahead and get the apartment ready."

"James, she's getting worse. St. Mungos-

" is corrupt.

Everything else turns to static.

-

James picked up her blue body and stepped into the tub of lukewarm water and lay down with her cradled in his lap. Her body would not stop shuddering and shaking. He sat her up for a moment and peeled off his jacket and shirt and pressed her back onto his chest and kissed her forehead.

"I know it hurts, I know it hurts."

She groaned and squirmed and kicked her feet like a toddler, but James kept her close. He could feel her shoulder starting to warm up.

"James? Dumbledore is here."

James nodded in acknowledgement as he swept into the room. Dumbledore took in the sight of James half naked cradling Lily in a cocktail dress with one shoe on and black circles of makeup around her eyes. He tucked his beard into his belt and said "how can I help you, James?"

"I need her core temperature to warm up."

Dumbledore nodded and sat on the side of the tub. He reached over and took Lily's pulse. He asked James to do a quick search of her body for any impact wounds from curses or hexes. When they couldn't find any of consequence, Dumbledore brought his wand out and began a long string of incantations.

An hour later, Lily was in bed, covered in warmed blankets wearing a toque and a few layers of socks. Dorcas lay beside her reading a book while James and Dumbledore spoke in the kitchen.

"We fought and she stomped off down Bunker Street. I Apparated to Remus and Sirius' place and got them to come with me. We canvassed Bunker to see where she could have gone. It was about an hour later that I found her shoe. I saw a distant group of people and we followed them. By the time we arrived they had already thrown her into the water. Sirius captured them while I jumped in after her. Sirius has them gagged and bound back at his place. Remus got the bath ready and called Dorcas over. I resuscitated her, sort of."

"It'll be a few days before she's okay. I suspect she'll have a bad case of bronchitis or pneumonia. What I find disconcerting is that they avoided using magic which makes them untraceable. I'm thankful you captured two of them. I'll go to Sirius' apartment and question them. In the mean time... keep me posted on her health. If she starts to get a fever, let me know and I'll call for Poppy. That woman is a miracle worker."

When Dumbledore left, James entered the room and warmed the blankets up again. He took a tub of Vicks Vapo rub and scooped a bit up and rubbed it on her chest in hopes her breath would stop rattling.

"How're you doing, James?"

"Fabulous."

"I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight, if that's alright with you."

After getting Dorcas set up on the pull out couch, James settled into bed beside Lily. He wasn't planning on sleeping, that was not going to happen anytime soon. No. He was going to wait until she woke up long enough to eat warm soup and spell her name.

Over the next six hours Lily faded in and out of consciousness and in and out of fever. At six a.m. Dorcas took a shift with her so that James could sleep on the couch.

James kept dreaming of huge waves crashing through London. At four in the afternoon, he went to Sirius' apartment where the two thugs were being held.

Sirius opened the door topless and holding a beer can. "Ready for some pin the tail on the donkey?"

"Did you get all the info you needed from them?"

"Not much, just a description of the man that paid them. Hopefully Lily will remember something."

James entered the apartment and took the roll of tape Sirius handed him. While James strapped his knuckles in layers of thick fabric tape, Sirius cast an alarm spell to alert them if anyone was coming to the apartment.

The two thugs lay in the centre of the bedroom bound and gagged. The last image Sirius saw before he closed and locked the door was of James standing over them flexing his hands.

-

Cold freeze. Pulse, breathe.

Undertow. Overflow.

Over blow, clear cold.

Ice shutter, blue blubber.

Breathe Lily, breathe Lily.

Strain, reach, pull, crawl. Twist, creep, edge, inch.

Ring around the rosey, a pocket full of posies, husha husha, we all fall down.

-

"Marly. Hey. It's really good to see you."

Dorcas was kneeling by the hearth, one hand bracing herself on the side. Marlene was staring back at her through the embers. Her hair was shorter than Dorcas remembered.

"Long time no talk, Dorcas." She said flatly.

"Yeah, I know. I thought you should know though, something's happened. I think you should come here as soon as you can."

"That'd be great if I knew where you lived."

"I'll meet you at the Leaky Cauldron, okay?"

With a sigh Marlene disappeared leaving Dorcas wincing at their first interaction in months.

-

My lungs are slimy with phlegm. Heavy, shattering.

They're persistent for air. Expansion, contraction. Expansion, contraction.

I can taste the air. It smells of toast and eggs.

There are blankets lying like concrete across my chest. Why are there blankets on me when I need to breathe?

Okay, time to open your eyes, Lily. Just...open them.

-

Her eyes were caked in sleep and her entire body ached and creaked. "Ughhhhn."

"Hey lady." She saw Dorcas in the corner of her eye smiling sadly. "You were attacked and then thrown over the side of a bridge. Life is going to suck for a little while. Well, it's going to suck more than it already does. But you're safe, and we're going to take care of you, so relax, okay?"

"S'Jehms here?"

"James? Not yet, he went over to Sirius' place because they caught the two that threw you over the side. Marlene is on her way though."

She tried to nod, but sleep was so much easier, so she chose that instead.

It was dusk when she woke up again, the room was dark and the kitchen was the only room lit. She could hear a few people talking and chatting. She sighed.

"Lily? You awake?"

She looked over and saw James sitting on the bed.

"James," she croaked. "James, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

James was by her in moments kissing her lightly on the lips. The light taste felt full and Lily hugged him to her tightly, craving for the hollow to fill. His face was warm and fragrant with a recent shower. His skin gravelly and rough around the jaw. Hair fuzzy and unkempt. Eyes tired and wild. Breath ragged and constant. He wouldn't let his weight fall on her. But more than anything she wanted to be smothered in warmth and the greatest feeling of safety.

"You were dead," he whispered.

"I know."

"I want to keep you safe, Lily, not because I want to control you, but because I care for you."

James got up and closed the door to the bedroom and crawled into bed with her, pressing her up against him and keeping her still chilled skin warm. He pushed away the memory of Remus' warning glance; don't confuse her, James.

Fuck that.

If last night was any indication of things to come, it was imperative that Lily knew how much he loved her, and how important it was to get her memory back. There was no choice anymore.

Quick eh?

Muchos Gracias to the four lovely peeps for reviewing: angelofmynightmare, 1bigromantic, taylorsue and kurenko.

Thanks guys.