Chapter 11: Truth
Carrie leaves Maggie's house, gets in her car and calls Peter's room at the hospital.
"Hello?"
"What do you want for lunch – I'm coming over," she asks him.
"Surprise me," Quinn suggests, a smile creeping across his face.
Carrie smiles. She likes that he plays with her this way.
"How are you feeling?"
"Pretty good, actually. Had a decent night's sleep. They're moving me out of here and onto a regular patient floor."
"Well that's good news."
"Yeah, I think so."
"Okay, well I'll find us something to eat and see you in a bit."
Carrie hangs up the phone and feels a sense of relief knowing that he is on his way to recovery.
After picking up sandwiches, Carrie arrives at the hospital and is directed to Quinn's new room. She finds him sitting in a chair watching the news.
"Well look at you!"
He turns at the sounds of her voice and smiles. Her presence brings him immediate joy and temporarily masks the pain from his injuries.
"Hi," he greets her with a smile. He stands, slowly, wincing from the pain.
"I didn't expect to see you out of bed," she tells him as she walks into the room.
"Yeah, they removed the chest tube early this morning and have me up and moving."
Carrie places the sandwich bag on the table between them, then pulls two plastic cups and a beer bottle from her messenger bag, glancing around to make sure no one is near to see. Quinn raises his eyebrows with a look for surprise.
"Carrie Mathison, never one to follow the rules," he chides.
"I figured we need to celebrate."
"I thought you just wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me," Quinn teases.
He slowly lowers himself back down in to the chair and unwraps his sandwich. Carrie pours the beer and disposes of the bottle in her bag. They raise their cups to each other.
"To your recovery," Carrie offers.
"How about to the future," Peter suggests. "To a better future." Carrie likes this and raises her glass again.
"To a better future," and clinks her cup against his.
They watch each other as they drink, then bite into their sandwiches.
"Speaking of future…" Carrie starts. "What's your plan?"
"Other than getting the hell out of here?"
"Yeah, I mean. You said the other day…this was it. No more…..right?"
"I know. And I meant it."
Carrie swallows and stares at him with a sullen look on her face. She waits for his to expand on his thinking but he remains quiet.
"Listen, I know you can't talk about whatever is was you were doing that landed you in here…"
"Then don't ask," he says gruffly. His face darkens.
She sits back in her chair and looks at him a little hurt and annoyed. His defense was suddenly up.
"I'm not. I just, I need to know you're serious about this."
He stops eating and looks at her, wondering why she's pressing on this all of a sudden.
"I'm out. This was it and it's done. I'm done." He looks down at his sandwich and begins eating again.
Carrie nods, quietly, then looks down at her sandwich. An awkward silence fills the room. Carrie wishes she felt more relief but his attitude about the whole thing has her more concerned.
"So what do you think you'll do?" she asks.
"I'm taking a six month disability leave. I figure that gives me some time to figure out what's next. I've never had that kind of time before so I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not. I don't know…."
"But no more work with Dar?" she asks.
He stares with a look of annoyance on his face.
"Why are you pressing me on this, Carrie?"
"Oh I don't know…maybe because you nearly died this time around? Maybe because I know in your heart and soul you hate the work?"
"Is that it?" he asks.
Quinn was done with playing things carefully with Carrie. The outcome of this latest assignment was bad, and forcing him think and act differently. He was ready to push her on their relationship.
Carrie looks past him and out the window. Then stares back him calculating the risk of telling him the truth.
"I don't want to lose you," she says very matter-of-factly. There. It was out now.
He stares back at her, somewhat shocked and somewhat scared of what she may say next.
"I can keep pretending that you're a just a great colleague, that your work and service are more important than anything else. But it's a lie….and I can't…I can't do that anymore," she says shaking her head.
"Seeing you hooked up to all those machines…I thought I was losing you." Her voice begins to tremble.
"And…I don't know what THIS is…what WE are….I really don't. But I do know that the thought of you not being here, not having you in my life makes me feel empty and scared and awful. I haven't slept in a week. All I could think about was you…what happened to you, would I ever see or talk with you again. And had I lost my chance."
"Carrie…" he reaches out and grasps her hands.
She tries to catch her breath but the words keep spilling out of her.
"And at the same time, I am TERRIFIED of all this. I am terrified of feeling this way, of the idea that I care for someone so much that I can't sleep at night."
"Carrie, stop…" he pleads.
"I'm a mess…my life is messy… and..."
"Carrie, stop…please…" he says again, this time a little firmer.
She stops talking and looks at him with tears welling up in her eyes. Moving closer so that he's now sitting directly in front of her, Quinn raises his hand and brushes her cheek with his thumb as if to smooth away the fear he sees so clearly in her face.
"I'm scared too. I don't know how to do this either. But I know I want it. I want you…all of you and all your mess."
"It's not that simple…" she warns him, shaking her head in disagreement.
"No, it's not. I know that." He holds both her hands in his and squeezes them. "But your illness doesn't scare me, Carrie. "
"It's should."
"Carrie, I've seen it. I know that it's dark and ugly. And I know I'll see it again. But your illness alone does not define you. Do you understand that? Yes, it's a part of you just as the atrocities I've commited are a part of me, but if we let these things solely define us than we're forever stuck in a living hell. Your illness, it's just a piece of you and without it, you would not be the person you are…the woman I…"
Quinn hesitates and wonders if he's said too much. He looks into Carrie's eyes again. She looks terrified and hopeful at the same time.
"The woman I love."
Carrie's face crumbles, the tears come. Quinn leans over and pulls her into his arms, his hands hold her close, his lips kiss the side of her face. They sit quietly together, holding each other.