Weeks passed, and Severus and Lily's lives returned to normal – in the loosest possible sense of the word. Lily got used to waking up in a strange bed, Severus finally stopped wondering whether Lily was just a very lively hallucination, and they both adjusted into this new chapter in their lives, which felt less and less bizarre with every day.

When the holidays ended, Severus returned to Hogwarts with yet another enormous secret to keep. He now lived the lives of three different men all at once – the life of Lord Voldemort's most loyal servant, the life of Dumbledore's secret agent, and the life of the man he became whenever he came home to see Lily. He would tend to her needs, deliver her the latest news, and then the two of them would simply sit down together and talk for hours.

It was always the best part of his day.

Being with her was like a dream, and yet he only felt truly like himself when he got to put down all of his pretenses and talk to her after a long day at Hogwarts. Lily had stirred something deep inside of him that he had thought he had lost forever, something deeper and older than just the love he felt for her. She had revived the person he had once been in his youth – the one he had stopped being when his life had become all about wearing masks and serving his two different masters. All of a sudden, he had reclaimed a piece of his own life.

Lily spent her days reading, first with manic enthusiasm and later with manic desperation, devouring all the information she found about everything that might have helped her discover the secret of the veiled archway. Soon, she knew almost everything there was to know about Druids, time-travel, and the history of the Department of Mysteries, and she still didn't have the first idea how to get back home. The answers simply weren't there. She grew more and more frustrated with every wasted day, thinking that she had been stupid to even hope that she would find a solution to a mystery of such proportions.

Cabin fever did her no favours. After spending many weeks trapped within four walls, she began to miss fresh air, sunlight, and the company of non-imaginary people. Severus came to see her almost daily, but his visits were always too brief to fully satisfy her need for human interaction. She soon grew so sick of the house that she would have gladly given her right kidney for a chance to pop out for a walk – which Severus had strictly forbidden.

Severus, on the other hand, was insanely happy – at least by his own standards. It was like someone had suddenly switched on the lights in the pitch-black pot of darkness he had been living in for the past twenty years. He began to smile more often, he could sleep again, and he started to pay attention to the little things in his life, like how beautiful the snowy Forbidden Forest looked in the morning, or how good his wine tasted. One day, he even caught himself humming when he was climbing up the stairs to his office, knowing that he would see Lily later that night.

And still, two little voices kept screaming inside his head through the cloud of euphoria. The first voice kept reminding him of all the things he had been ignoring since Lily had arrived. The voice warned him not to be distracted by this unexpected stroke of luck, and urged him to keep his focus on Voldemort, Harry Potter, and the students he had vowed to protect. As much as it killed him to admit it, Dumbledore had been right; Lily was the most important thing in his life, but it wasn't all about her after all. He did care about ending the war and saving the children of Hogwarts.

The other voice in his head kept repeating another unpleasant truth: this cannot go on forever. Lily would not live under his roof for the rest of her life. Sooner or later, their ways would part. Maybe Lily would do the unimaginable and discover the means to go home. Maybe Voldemort would finally find out that Severus had been deceiving him. Maybe Potter would defeat Voldemort, and murder Severus before he could explain whose side he had really been playing for. Severus could picture dozens of different endings for himself, and none of them were happy. Whatever happened, he would still have to let Lily go. And what was he going to do then?

Severus had often imagined what he would do if he got one more chance to speak to Lily. The fantasy had always included him being finally able to tell her that he loved her, but now that the opportunity to do that had unexpectedly arrived, he found himself choking on silence and excuses. All the confidence and wisdom he had gained over the years weighed as much as air when he tried to bring himself to say a few honest words to her. And what good would it do, anyway? Could she ever love him back?

It was like he was an awkward fifteen-year-old again, and Lily was somewhere miles and miles above him, floating majestically among the moon and the stars, way beyond the reach of his filthy hands. Even the miracle of her return could not overcome the absurdity of the idea of her falling in love with him.

It appeared that he was doomed to love her from afar, even when she was only inches away.

It was one those long, boring afternoons when Lily no longer had the patience, the strength, nor the will to re-re-re-re-reread Druids: The Ancient Wizard Cultures of Britain by Nimue Wells, or The Brief History Time-Travel by Baldric Stone, or any of the other books she had already learned by heart in a vain attempt to unravel the mystery of the archway. She already knew that Druids were ancient Celtic wizards who had lived openly among Muggles, and that they had known more about the magical effects of the moon and the sun than modern wizards did, but she still hadn't read a thing about portals that sent people accidentally through time. The time-travel books weren't helping, either, since the only thing all they seemed to agree on was that traveling into the future was presumed impossible.

Bored and frustrated, she put down her books and decided to read something else for a change. Severus had a decent collection of Muggle literature, too – classic novels, poetry, and collected myths. That was certainly an improvement; she remembered how he had once dismissed all Muggle literature as a waste of time when he had been an angsty fourteen-year-old, though she had always suspected that he was not being entirely serious. Clearly, Severus did have some appreciation for Muggle art these days, too.

She mulled over her options, and eventually picked up Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë – a book she had already read once, but which she did not mind reading again; a torrid romance was exactly the sort of thing that would keep her entertained until Severus came to see her. But when she opened the book, she found something that instantly sparked her curiosity: a hand-written dedication on the first page.

My darling Severus, it said. She didn't recognize the handwriting. This book has always made me think of you. I hope that from now on, it will make you think of me. Yours forever, Isla.

"Isla?" she said out loud, sticking out her tongue. "Who's Isla?"

She didn't know anyone by that name, but she could already guess who she must have been to Severus: someone who wanted to play Jane Eyre to his Edward Rochester.

His girlfriend?

She put the book back in the shelf without reading it, but she couldn't get the mysterious Isla out of her mind. Who was she, what did she mean to Severus, and why did he never talk about her? She thought about asking him, but decided against it. He was so secretive about his personal affairs that he would probably not give her a straight answer. And it was not like Lily was that interested in the matter, anyway.

"My darling Severus..." she found herself grumbling under her breath while she was preparing her dinner. What a tacky way to start a message. If this Isla was really a woman after Severus's heart, she wouldn't have gone for such a saccharine tone. Severus was not the type of person who wished to be wooed with mawkish dedications that ended with ridiculous overstatements like "yours forever".

Or was he? Maybe he was. Lily wouldn't have known. She was just his friend; she had no idea what Severus was like as a lover. Maybe he was secretly a soft-hearted romantic who liked silly love letters, romance novels, and girls who called him "my darling". And maybe this Isla had meant a great deal to him – perhaps much more than Lily ever had.

Hours went by. The more Lily thought about Isla, the more distant she felt to Severus. It was like something had been taken from her on the moment she had read that stupid little note. She was so used to being his closest friend that the thought of him having someone in his life who knew him even more intimately made her feel...

"Jealous," she said out loud, putting down the knife in the middle of cutting some onions. "Blimey, I'm jealous. Oh, this is rich, Lily. You're being really childish. Sev is not your pet. You don't own him. He's a grown man, and he can have as many lady friends as he wants, and you should be happy to see him happy. We should all be happy!"

She finished cutting the rest of the onions, using perhaps a little bit more violence than it was necessary.

Eating her dinner, she forced herself to confront her complex feelings and figure out what was it about the idea of Severus having a woman in his life that really bothered her. She concluded that she had simply never been forced to face the idea that another woman might replace her as Severus's confidant – that someday she might actually lose him for real.

Before this, she had never had to share his heart with anyone else. Sure, they had both had other friends at school, too, but this had been something very special. Their friendship had been so intense, even after they had stopped talking, and they always had such extreme reactions to one another. Frankly, sometimes she felt like she and Severus were obsessed with each other as friends, which is why it had been easier for her to cut all ties to him completely rather than just spent less time with him. It was always all or nothing with the two of them.

Had it been like that with Severus and Isla, too?

She felt sick in the stomach. It was almost like their special relationship had been ruined by the mere possibility of Isla. Lily hated thinking that there might be someone out there who knew his heart better than she did, and she didn't even understand why. People could love one person as a friend while also being in a relationship with someone else, right? That was exactly how Lily felt about James and Severus. Even if Isla was the love of Severus's life, it didn't mean that he cared about Lily any less.

No matter how she tried to come in terms with the fact that Severus had a private life she knew nothing about, it was driving her crazy. Thus, when Severus finally came to see her with his usual batch of food, supplies, and books, Lily was ready to ambush him with questions that were bound to drive him into revealing exactly what had happened between him and Isla.

"Sev. Have you ever been married?"

Severus glanced at her over the copy of Daily Prophet he had been reading over his glass of wine – which she had poured for him with this exact purpose in mind. First, he raised his eyebrows, then he frowned, and finally rolled his eyes, displaying utmost contempt towards her question before he had uttered a single word.

"If I had a wife," he began very slowly, "- don't you think that I might have mentioned her in the passing during these past few weeks?"

"I don't know. Maybe not? You never talk to me about that stuff. In a way, that's kind of unfair. You know every last thing about me and my social life, but I don't even know who was your first kiss."

"The difference is that I've never asked you to tell me any of those things. It's always been more of a case of being helplessly subjected to it against my will," replied Severus.

"True," she replied, "- and that only supports my point. Isn't it time for us to even the scores? Come on, Sev. Entertain me with all the saucy details of your sexual history."

Severus groaned. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm curious and bored, and we both know that it can be a very dangerous combination," she smirked. "Go on, tell me! Otherwise, I'm going to have to just assume that you've lived a sad and a lonely life with nothing but your many cats to keep you company."

"I've never had any cats."

"Fair enough. How about girls, then? You do like girls, right? I could never tell. You never seemed to be interested in anyone back when we were kids. The whole school was full of hormonal teenagers, and somehow you managed to avoid getting a girlfriend."

Severus was still holding his paper, but his eyes were no longer moving. He was breathing through his nose, and seemed to be contemplating on whether or whether not to turn her into a newt.

"I did have a girlfriend back at Hogwarts," he replied eventually. "In fact, I had two."

Lily's eyes turned round.

"Two?"

"Two."

He still wasn't looking at her.

"Okay," she said, and sat down next to him in genuine awe. He poured him another glass of wine, and got one for herself as well. "Can you tell me who they were? And when exactly was this?"

He sighed and put down his paper, taking a swig of his wine.

"Maeve Doyle and Fiona Warren. Both of them Slytherins, fifth-years when I was on my seventh year."

"Oh," she said. The last thing he said also answered the question she hadn't asked: why this was the first time Lily even heard about these girls. She and Severus had been avoiding each other at the time, so she hadn't noticed.

"And you were seeing both of them at the same time? Wow. That's... athletic," she said, and she hated how childish her voice sounded, and she took a long gulp of wine just to get a reason to shut up before she embarrased herself any further.

"No, not at the same time. I started seeing Fiona after Maeve," he replied, articulating each word very carefully – as if Lily didn't feel stupid enough already.

"I know how absurd it must sound to you that any girl could have taken a fancy to me back then, but I stopped being an outcast around my seventh year. I had powerful friends, so I was considerd powerful by association. Fiona and Maeve were both attracted to that power, so much that they were willing to overlook my lack of charm just to get some of it."

Lily's cheeks turned pink; now that she thought about it, she didn't know why she had ever assumed that Severus had gone through Hogwarts without attracting any female attention. He was, after all, one of the most intelligent men she had ever known, and probably the most talented wizard of his year. He had won duels, created spells of his own, and brewed such impeccable potions that Slughorn himself paled in comparison. His brilliant mind alone must have made lots of girls lust after him. Behind his cold exterior, he was also brave, kind, funny, and honourable, even sweet.

Also, he was not bad-looking at all, even though he clearly considered himself ugly. He looked rather nice, actually, in a Byronic way, even more so now that he had really grown into his looks. True, he was not traditionally handsome, but she loved the way he looked all the same. He was dashingly tall, with gorgeously black hair and dark eyes. She even liked the crook of his nose and his pale complexion, which other people mocked. In fact, if they hadn't grown up together, she could have easily fallen for him at first sight.

Severus was a jewel, and Lily had always seen it. It really shouldn't have been so hard for her to imagine that other girls had seen it, too.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to imply that nobody could... Well, I suppose I just thought that you couldn't have had a girlfriend without me knowing about it. Even when we weren't talking, I did keep my eye on you. I guess I just didn't look as closely as I thought I did."

"To be fair, neither of those affairs lasted very long," he said. The look on his face had softened a little bit after her apology, although he still looked rather irritated. "And I don't enjoy turning my private life into a spectacle, so it isn't any wonder you never saw me with either one of them in public. I wouldn't have been caught dead holding anyone's hand by the lake, or sucking someone's face at one of Slughorn's parties."

Here, Lily blushed again: that was exactly the sort relationship she and James had had in their seventh year. She could almost picture Severus witnessing their public displays of affection and rolling his eyes in disgust.

"I get it," she replied, and raised her glass at him. "You were being a gentleman. You didn't want to treat those girls like trophies. I respect that."

Severus scoffed at the idea. "Actually, no. You give me too much credit here. It really wasn't that sophistocated. I think it was just because I knew how ridiculous it all was, even as it happened. Neither of those girls even liked me. They just wanted me to introduce them to my rich and powerful friends, and that was it."

"Did they?" asked Lily. "Or is this just your inferiority complex talking again? Is it really that hard for you to believe that someone might actually like you for who you are? Because trust me – there's plenty of reasons for girls to come running after you, even if you can't see it yourself."

Severus averted his eyes, drank some more of his wine, and he moved his hands on the table like he didn't know what to do with them. She smiled; obviously, he still did not know how to receive a compliment.

"So, anyone else?" she asked tentatively, now that the groundwork for her actual question had been laid. "You must have had other women in your life, too. Any serious relationships? Have you ever been in love?"

He gazed at her again, looking almost startled. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," she shrugged, but she felt like Severus could see right through her. She made the mistake of looking back at him, and goodness – now that she had a couple of glasses of wine inside of her, she could definitely see how a girl could get all hot and bothered if Severus looked at her as intensely as he was looking at Lily now.

"There was someone..." he began.

"Yes?" she said gingerly. She felt like she was melting like wax under his hot gaze, but she refused to look away, just in case it would discourage him from finishing his sentence.

"She was..." he continued, eyes full of hidden secrets he seemed desperate to share, but then he shook his head and sighed. "I don't want to talk about this."

"Won't you? It might make you feel better," she said. This was it – this had to be about Isla!

He gave another sigh, mustered up some courage, and then began to speak in a soft voice she had never heard him use before.

"She was sensational. Clever. Vibrant. Sublime. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She was also cheeky, and hot-headed, and sometimes I couldn't stand her, but I even loved the things about her that drove me insane. She always brought out the best in me, like she saw promise in me, back when no one else did."

I see promise in you, too, Lily said inside her mind, but she kept the thought to herself, afraid that she might distract him if she spoke now.

"There's no one in the world half as brilliant as she was. I should know, because I've searched for someone like her all my life. No woman I've kissed or taken to bed has made me feel the way she did just by being there. She was beyond compare."

Lily could barely breathe. This was going even better than she had expected. Not only was she getting all this information on Isla, but Severus had also confessed to having had not one nor two but an indeterminate number of love affairs in his life. Merlin's bollocks! It had been hard enough for her to picture him with a woman, let alone having what now sounded like an epic sexual history.

She wasn't sure what to make of this new side of him. On one hand, she was curious and excited and willing to trade her right arm for all the juicy details, but she was also jealous and childish enough to long for the innocent days when she had thought that he only had eyes for her. In the platonic sense.

"What happened?" she asked lastly, praying that he would answer the most importatn question of all; was Isla still a part of his life?

He grinned in reply, although there wasn't a hint of joy on his face. In fact, he looked heartbroken.

"She didn't want me," he replied. "She chose someone else. Someone better."

"Well, if you ask me, she made a terrible mistake in letting you go," said Lily, and she placed her hand on his; he twitched at contact. "Where is she now?"

There was something he was dying to say – Lily could almost taste it on the tip of her tongue – but in the end he just withdrew his hand and reverted to his old self right before her eyes.

"Too far," he said simply, finished the rest of his wine, and stood up like he was ready to leave. She could almost see heavy a curtain being pulled over his soul, and she knew that he wouldn't be telling her anything more tonight. Nevertheless, she felt confident enough to voice her final thoughts.

"It was Isla, wasn't it?"

Severus gazed at her in horror.

"Isla? No, I'm not talking about her! How do you even know her name?"

Lily's ears turned red. It was time for her to tell him the truth.

"I found a book," she said with a wince. "There was a dedication in it from someone called Isla. A very romantic dedication. I wanted to know who she was, and I was afraid that you wouldn't tell me if I asked you directly, so I..."

She gestured at the empty wine glasses on the table. She had never seen a deeper frown on Severus's face.

"I should have known that you were up to something when you filled my cup for the fourth time," he groaned. "So. You tried to get me drunk simply to intrude on my love life."

"In my defense, I'd just like to point out that I've been very, very bored," she argued. "Tell me more about Isla."

He gave her a sour look, but then he just sighed heavily and tossed his hands in the air.

"She was my fiancée."

"What?" shrieked Lily. "She's your – what? You have a fiancée?"

"I had a fiancée!"

"Same difference! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Lily, you died sixteen years ago!"

"Irrelevant!" she shouted. "Why haven't you told me now? Didn't it ever even occur to you that having a bloody fiancée might be worth a mention?"

"No, because she's not my fiancée anymore! I haven't seen her in years. I don't even think about her all that much anymore. That's why I didn't tell you."

"But – you were engaged to her!" she insisted. "How could you just forget someone you almost shared your life with?"

Severus folded his arms. "At the risk of sounding like someone's parent, you'll get it when you're older. Sometimes things just don't turn out the way you planned. Sometimes people who mean the world to you in certain point of your life stop being important to you when they're no longer around. People change, and life goes on. Isla and me – it just didn't work out. I thought we could be good for each other, but we weren't. It's over. I don't even know where she is right now. That's all I have to say about her."

Lily took a few sobering breaths. Her anger was still looking for excuses to lash out to him, but she sensible side of her understood his points.

"I'm sorry," she said, as calmly as she could. "I'm overreacting. I've spent the whole day wondering who this Isla could be, and I would have never guessed that she was your fiancée, for fuck's sake... Let's just leave it at that, shall we? I've already made a fool out of myself."

Severus blinked. "If there's something you wish to know -"

"No, Sev. I've violated your privacy enough for one evening. You really don't have to tell me anything," said Lily. She went to him and grabbed his hands again.

"I'm the one who's acting crazy because I've been trapped inside this house for far too long. I should be happy for you! And I am. If you found someone who made you happy, even just for a little while, you definitely deserved her."

She gave his hands a squeeze. Poor Severus looked positively traumatized, but at least he didn't seem to be mad at her. He stared at their joined hands for a moment, and she suddenly felt like her original sentiments had been vindicated – that she and Severus really did share a special bond, one that not even Isla had been able to break.

"I should get back to Hogwarts," he said eventually, and he yanked his hands back.

"So, just to be clear," Lily asked quickly, "- you've never been married?"

He gave her a degrading look, and left the room without honouring her stupid question with an answer.

Later that night, Lily lay awake on her bed, head buzzing with unanswered questions.

She realized that there was something she had forgotten to ask Severus – something she knew she would not have the guts to ask him again after tonight: if Isla wasn't the woman Severus had been hopelessly in love with, then who was it? Could it be someone Lily knew? Maybe Petunia? Oh no, that would have been ridiculous. One of Lily's friends from Hogwarts, perhaps? Daphne, Sarah, Cathy, Matilda, or Deborah? Who knew.

She could only hope that it was not one of those snooty Black sisters everyone seemed to adore. Now that Lily thought about it, she had seen Severus talking to Narcissa Black several times, and sometimes they were sitting together in the Great Hall. Maybe it was her? After all, Narcissa was strikingly beautiful, and hadn't Severus mentioned that she and Lucius Malfoy were now married? Was this the tragic love that had broken Severus's heart?

Lily tried to picture Severus with various women she knew, but for some reason none of them felt right for him. Then she tried to picture him with imaginary women who had all the qualities she expected him to like, but even all the made-up women seemed all wrong for him.

"Marvellous, Lily. This is really mature, selfless, and noble, and not the slightest bit conceited," she told herself, and she couldn't help but laugh at her ridiculous reaction.

"You want Severus to be happy with the woman he adores, but you also demand his undivided attention because you're too possessive to share him with anyone. How do you reckon that's going to work out?"