We were never been too late, all love just ends
InuShikaCho
oOo nukach'an oOo
(A/N): I read all the chapters from the start... and I was elaborately speaking at the author's note... and suddenly nothing came up at the 8th Chapter... and I was no longer talkative. Hahaha! I noticed a lot of corrections through reading too... so maybe after the ending, I'll proof-read and edit the chapters again! ^^ I placed a very short summary of what happened during the previous chapter incase others had forgotten the story... and it's a looong chapteeeeer!!! It's 15 pages?! xD The last one before the epilogue of course!... I'll say goodbye soon and it's sad :( Thank you for all who posted the reviews... I was half-laughing and smiling while reading them again! ^^
Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved!
oOoChapter 11 :: Relationship Suicide oOo
Tension was rising through my head. My heart beat faster than the usual and I felt like as if my body was suffering from a complete paralization.
"Sakuno, where were you just then?" her eyes focused on mine as if she was waiting for me to look away and give her the idea of something suspicious. As much as possible, I wanted to collect all my scattered composures and stand up and answer her with a flawless one. But as I tried to open my mouth, the voice had an after effect of fading that caused me to stop.
"I... I was--"
"Chris" somebody appeared behind my back, at the time where I was hopeless. Ryoma came and butted in through the never ending silence like how a hero saves his damsel-in-distress in the edge of dying. "I'm hungry, what's for breakfast?"
"Ryoma" her glares that were thrown at me swiftly vanished as she swang her head towards him. "Do you want me to prepare already?" I watched her deeply. From the look she gave at me and from how she changed her mood in an instant flash, I didn't know which one was the real Chris. I had a bad notion inside yet I still let the feeling suppress me.
I felt distrait. Suddenly I felt a stinging stare behind my back that gave me an alarm to be awake. The chance to take my leave and get out of the love triangle scene popped inside my head and I decided to interrupt their sweet talk, "I'm going back to my room..." taking my next step and continued to leave. But before I could make a complete turn towards my room her voice caressed my ears and forced me to stop.
"We'll see you downstairs! My mother will be happy to see you, so please join us in breakfast" she said.
"I will" passively I answered.
Opening the door to my room, my knees started to shake intensely that caused me to breakdown on the floor. I started to lean on the door after it closed and my body ached thoroughly within. Last night was a nightmare that later turned to a dream. It felt like my dying days were almost near and near enough to end the life I protected and cared. Hopeless, I still didn't understand what was going on around me. It's like a heartbreak. It was as if my life was playing around my head and it jumped over a cliff to let my feelings fly through nowhere.
I heaved a sigh. What else should I know? I thought to myself. A month ago I bid goodbye to my old friends and flew to America just to find the man of my dreams. I met him ironically and I was moved to know that I'll be his professional tennis coach. Days later he told me to go to Wimbledon after I found out that he was joining the tournament just when I saw him again. Thus, I flew to Europe with him and, just like how I wanted it to be, my 5 years of waiting for his love filled my following weeks as I went through tennis practices with him and exclusive moments that only both of us knew. But it didn't take long when I found out that the man I loved forever had a fiancee and was about to get married after the Wimbledon Tournament... which was 3 days ahead. I'm suffering the latest days of my life just to know why and how did these things turn out to cruel ones. How did fate broke the magic of two lovers who promised an eternal love? Will it break me or just let me continue to survive despite how sufferings greet me everytime I wake myself up in the morning?
But as a person who had a river of dreams with her only love, if this would be the last day of fighting for him then I should fight with all my might; letting this moment be the last day to give my all and continue to fulfill a promise which identity is unknown to believe in. If meeting him was a mistake from the start then let the pain wash me just to retrieve back my pride and then I'll let go. But if our red strings continued to tie us together then I shall continue and endure the trials before me just to revive the world that we both built together.
I stood before the door as I heard different voices from the other side of it. My mind was thinking if either I will enter the room to mingle with the family of the girl who stole my lover away or should I pretend sick and tell them that I couldn't join them. But right before I made my firm answer somebody tapped my shoulder and couldn't refuse anymore, it was Chris.
"Why aren't you coming in? Everyone is waiting" she gave another smile that I couldn't read anymore.
My brows twitched and smiled back, "I was hesitating to join" I said straight.
"Hesitating? You shouldn't!" grabbing my arms and pulled me in, "A friend of my husband will also be my friend! And a friend will always be a part of the family"
I had my heart stop a bit after hearing the name he called for Ryoma. Was she had the real right to call him that way?
But then my immense reaction faded when I saw a lot of people in the dining room. Rather than us who welcomed sweet smiles from these people, there were 3 ladies and one man who wore stylish and colored outfits that twisted his real gender. At the near left edge of the table was Ryoma and on the right end was a woman of age 50s but the doubt of her real age appeared, after seeing the complexion of her skin and the young look on her face, and yes with no second thoughts she was Chris's mother. The resemblance didn't fail me to realize it after all.
"She's here" Chris said as she slightly pushed me from behind.
"G-Good morning" I added with a trembling voice and it made me feel more embarassed.
"Please take a seat dear" her mother spoke while pointing me an empty chair opposite of Ryoma's.
I nodded, followed by a formal thank you. Walking towards the empty seat for me, I noticed that there were a lot of papers, compilations and a thick book around the table. I tried to take a peek to see what it was and in great shock, it made me hold back too much. Those were all wedding books filled with gowns, dresses, nice receptions and all sorts of things connected to the coming occassion. I wanted to hide my expression after seeing them, but I think I failed...
"We're already planning for the wedding" Chris looked at me straight that gave me a huge hit and a hurtful pinch.
"Oh... I see" I looked away with an unknown face.
After a minute or so, a lady dressed in maid outfits approached and placed a tea glass in front of me, pouring green tea on it. Somehow it made me smile a bit after smelling the sweet auroma of the tea, thinking that I was already missing the atmosphere of my real home and gave me the urge to go back where I really belong. I took a few sips from the tea and after another, I found two persons staring at me. They were Ryoma and the woman at the other end of the table. When I looked at him, my face started to flush: the least thing I wanted to happen.
"Tell me Sakuno, which one would suit me best" Chris interrupted while she handed over an opened book.
"Ah" I snobbed my look away from Ryoma and tried to focus on what Chris was trying to say and not to remember anything happened last night, "What is it?"
"I really don't know what to choose and since you're a girl like me, I thought asking you which wedding gown would look best for me"
BAM! I got weak "Let's see..." My whole body was boiling. I started to flip from page to page and didn't know which one to answer. Then I felt inconsistently troubled and conscious about the people around me. And when I couldn't help anything at my state, I randomly pointed out a dress. "I think this will look better". But as sooner as I looked at the gown thoroughly I felt a more heartbreaking realization. I just recommended a dream wedding dress to a woman who will marry the one I love. I was hanging myself in the air and couldn't move a single thing.
"It's really pretty Sakuno! Thank you!" I watched her smile in delight and me on the other hand just forced my tears to hold back even just for a minute. "Do you think it will suit me, Ryoma?"
"How about our next training, Sakuno?" Ryoma blurted causing me to stop and look at him in bizarre. "Don't tell me you forgot the Wimbledon Tournament!"
He suddenly asked me something out of nowhere. When all the things he said was clearly absorbed by my mind, I finally realized that he was helping me to ease the tension and the dissapointment about the wedding arrangements, "After 2 days the final tournament will arrive, have you planned for our next training menu?" he gave me a big smile.
I faded my awful emotion, "Y-Yes, I was thinking of having a hard training this time since your next match looks like a really tough one"
"You two seems to be really emerged to tennis, right Chris?" her mother butted in to our conversation and Chris just nodded after she closed the book on her hands. "Tell me dear, have you really been into tennis ever since you were young?"
Her stare towards me looked like she was definitely judging me from head to toe. It gave me the creeps and the fear to answer her question. "Y...Yes. My family was in to the tennis sport and... I also inherited their love for it..."
"I see, but have you ever tried anything else except tennis?" she was really pointing out something horrible.
"I'm fond of studying and cooking but after I graduated I-"
"Not that dear, I mean like entering the life of entrepreneurship, getting yourself in to the business world, or expose yourself through televisions or magazines? Or modelling perhaps? I was wondering if you had ever tried exploring other existence of life rather than tennis. You see life isn't just about your desired sport"
I looked down and felt awful about what she was telling me. My whole personality was crushed and I was totally humiliated. I watched my hands shaking over my lap and as I firmed them together as a fist I answered her with a straight answer, "No"
"That's bad..." she said and I was even more hurt to hear those words.
I already had the feeling of standing up and leave the room instantly, but I've got no esteem to continue. The whole Sakuno... the whole me had finally collapsed in just two words and if ever that would be added even just one then I might lose all my consciousness and plan to disappear forever.
"Chris" Ryoma spoke over the silent room, "Why don't we tour the garden? We will be leaving tomorrow morning and it would be a pity if we won't see other things rather than the whole house and the hot springs right?"
"I like that! We will have more time together"
"With Sakuno I mean"
It made me surprised. Anyone from the whole room can notice the sudden rise of pressure and silence. I couldn't tell if it was a good sign or not, if he was helping to decrease my fears or have his heroic act again. Moreover, it gave a deeper meaning to the people who heard Ryoma's words: me, Chris and of course, Chris's mother.
The sun was already high and the heat was merely hot than before. We walked through the huge trees to another in a pile of stones--which I walked into from the other night. The huge shades kept us from being harmed by the sunlight and with the wind that blew us made the feeling more relaxing. There were only three of us on the walk. Chris's mom decided to stay back in the house and the other guests already left after breakfast. Since Chris owned the whole villa, she was narrating stuffs such as what were the things around us and why their villa was too huge for them. She was a few inches ahead of us leaving me and Ryoma behind her. The picture was to odd but made me feel secured. Because during that time, he stood there beside me and didn't walk with her. It gave me a hint of reason to continue the fight I was thinking that morning. A few steps later, we passed through the wide pond, the same from what I saw last night. But that was the only time I noticed the fishes living in the clear waters. I looked on the ground and saw the pebbles that made me think of the sea and the scene.
"If you'll follow those pebbles, you'll head yourself to the sea"
"I know" I said abruptly.
"You know?" she looked at me again with suspicion, "Have you gone to the sea?"
I got myself alarmed and created a panic inside me, thinking what I should say as an excuse. If I said something wrong, it will lead us to the question where we left that early morning.
"Why don't we go to the veranda and have some drink?" Ryoma stopped her again, making me feel relieved. But then...
"I'm still asking a question! Sakuno, when did you go to the sea?" her mood swang instantly that made me step back in shock. I could see her face filled with anger and puzzlement. "Where were you last night when I visited your room?!"
We all stopped.
I watched her face trembling and easily faded as she cooled herself down. There was a bad moment growing around us and the three of us kept quiet to make things back to normal. My face was still in surprise and I read Ryoma's face speechless from Chris's sudden burst. Chris just looked down and didn't continue anymore.
"Chris... I was..." I tried to help her calm down even more, but she turned her back at me and walked again.
"Forget what I said. Let's go back and have some drink... I'm exhausted" As a woman, I had myself guarded down. Just by how she reacted and what she expressed, it was definitely awful for anyone who will see. Then oddly, I felt pity and pathetic.
"Let's go" Ryoma spoke. When I looked at him, he only had a blank expression on his face. He grabbed my hand and started to drag me out of my place.
"S-Sure" I answered, but after that he never released my hand.
We passed another bunch of trees and ended up through a cemented wall covered with vines of leaves. Still he held my hand as if we were alone together. I tried pulling mine away but whenever I did, he tend to tighten the grip and told me don't and so... I didn't. We stepped through a short stairs and still we held hands. Chris never looked back to us and it made me feel more relieved. Ryoma and I acted as if we were the only ones existing and yes, I was very happy to see us together that way; as if the end from last night still continued in the morning and there was no one to stop us. The side of winning in the fight was jumping beyond my wall and I was glad that everything was moving from how I wanted it to be.
"We are here..." Chris finally talked and it's time to let go. She looked at us with a frowning face and I couldn't resist the feeling she was having.
The next thing happened was that we were all seating in a round white marble table with a view of the wide sea ahead us. There was a huge umbrella that covered the heat of the sun. A moment later Chris's mom arrived and joined us, followed by another round of maids serving us cold drinks of juice and slices of chocolate fondue. The cicadas started buzzing a loud sound and the wind mixed with it, blowing all our stress away. Ryoma unexpectedly sat right next to me and it made me cause another panic again, thinking what these mother and daughter would probably think.
"Eat it" he said, pushing the small plate towards me. "You'll like it"
"Sure" I answered as I took the spoon and sliced a small amount and ate. My eyes glittered, "Delicious!"
"I told you!" Ryoma slightly chuckled and gave a smile towards me, "You like sweets and I'm always sure you'll love that treat"
"You never fail to amaze me, Ryoma-kun" we were acting so happy together without noticing that there were four eyes watching over us.
"Ehem..." Chris's mother ended the moments, "How come you always smile Ryoma?" but Ryoma ignored the question. I saw her face being so displeased and gulped a few drinks from the juice. "Anyway, Sakuno dear..." she looked at me and I felt tense once more. Her eyes were the worst pair I hated looking at me, "Since when did you meet Ryoma?"
I glanced at Ryoma and looked back at the woman, "I-I met him during my first year in high school"
"That long? It's quite amazing that you still have a connection with him despite of the many years, as if there's something that's keeping you together"
"We were just childhood friends, ma'am"
"Childhood friends rarely see each other again after the last day they met, so isn't it a bit ironic?"
"I was just sent to America as a tennis coach and I met him as my student"
"Tennis buddies is a nice name to call you two"
"Excuse me?"
"I mean, you were friends through tennis and still at the end you were related through tennis, isn't it sad?"
I couldn't get the point the old woman was referring to, but I was sure it was something to degrade my whole being again. And I knew within myself that I hated how that woman wanted to destroy my self-esteem and my bond with Ryoma... as a tennis coach and as a 'lover'. "I don't quite understand ma'am"
"Stop the formality dear. I know I'm old and you don't need to respect me that much. You know perfectly well what I mean. As a coach you're only obliged to teach your student with the things you need to let them know and as a friend you are only to approach when you need to." Her pitch was getting thicker and stronger, and the more she spoke another round of words it already stroke me hard. "You will be a coach and a friend and will always be"
"AUNTY!" Ryoma...
"MOM!" Chris....
They stopped the rising friction of the conversation. My whole body was overly pushed through the chair and my eyes were clearly exposed from the shock. My visions lost its focus and my head had gone wild with the emptiness of it. I couldn't feel anything around me and couldn't absorb everything that surpassed me. I heard Chris whining over her mother and Ryoma calling my name through short murmurs but I ignored all of them. I held back my own body and endure all the words that entered my head. Continuously it repeated and my it ached too much that I can't bare anymore. My eyes were starting to get full of tears once more but a wild shake in my body made me blink and all of these feelings disappear in one flash.
"Sakuno!" I saw Ryoma before my face looking at me with a really worried look. "Your phone is ringing!" he said and finally I got myself back to normal.
"My phone?" I repeated, not understanding what he meant. Chris and her mother watched me and I felt disturbed. When another shake gave me another alarm and a tune that was too familiar to me, I realize what he was clearly telling me. "Ah, sorry..."
Taking out the phone and seeing who was calling me in an unexpected moment, I got myself puzzled. "Please excuse me..." I bowed and left. The best timing to leave the unbearable conversation of my life. I went to a quiet corner back inside the house and pulled out the phone.
"Hello?" I answered, "Who is this?"
"SAKUNO!" the man's voice on the other line screamed in delight. Me on the other hand got surprised and couldn't tell who owned the familiar voice on the next line.
"Who is this?" I asked again.
"Hey, it's been a month or so, and you already forgot me?"
Collecting all the names I can find to fit for the voice, I came up with one possible answer, "Makoto?"
"Finally, you remember!"
"What? But how?!" my overwhelming glee was too much that I didn't know what to say, "Makoto!!"
"Hey, Hey! Don't be so happy like that! I'm missing you too much"
"How come you only called just now?"
"Well, I was too busy with the loads you left and attending your lessons in replacement"
"I'm really sorry~ Don't worry I'll be back"
"Already? But it's just a month since you left Japan!"
I was stopped from what I said. I wanted to speak about something but I couldn't continue. Not on the phone, "All of us here are proud of you to be in the Wimbledon Tournament! We always watch the matches of your student and you are really amazing"
"He was born as a great tennis player. He's already a prodigy even before I became his tennis coach. Obviously, he's better than I am, so what do you expect?"
"Eh? If he was... then why did he get you as his tennis coach?"
Another stop... and another thing to be think of. "Actually... I don't know too"
"That's weird! By the way, how are you? Are you doing fine? How are you and Ryoma? And who is this Chris appearing on the TV?!"
"Hey... Not too many questions! I don't know where to start!" I felt my body becoming weaker and desperate. Leaning on the wall, I sighed heavily over the phone.
"Sakuno, are you alright?"
I looked down and saw someone's feet before me. My eyes were getting all wet again, but I was not intending to cry. I was just touched that at the time of my need of comfort, Makoto was always there for me. And just like a few minutes ago I was depressed and tore apart, he exactly called at my least unexpected moments. He really never failed to make me happy... He never did.
"I'm fine! Healthy like before" I looked at the person in front of me, "We are also doing fine. Just like the usual things I used to tell you over the nights. I'm happy to see him again actually. And about Chris~" I looked away from him, "...Chris is his fiancee!" I smiled, "They will be married after the tournament..."
"What?!"
I laughed hardly though sarcastically, "Surprising isn't it? I couldn't believe myself too when I found out but that's how it goes..."
"Are you alright with that? Sakuno, you don't sound good"
"Of course I'm good with it! Don't worry Makoto, I'm definitely fine!"
"I really know you very well and I'm happy that you're still the same Sakuno as before"
"That's very nice to hear, Makoto"
"But you know, I'll always be here for you... so don't, no... never hesitate to approach me if you need me, okay?"
"I know you will always will! Thank you Makoto! I'm going to hang up now"
"Okay, I'll call you again sometime these days!"
"Thanks..." then I ended the call and placed it back to my pocket.
I stared at him again and saw his eyes full of jealousy. Somehow I read his mind and made me thankful for what he felt. But even if he did felt that way, it felt nothing compared to what I was suffering through my whole life. He took a step forward and placed his hand on the wall passing my left shoulder.
"Who is this Makoto?" he questioned.
"He's my assistant in the tennis company back in Japan. He's also my closest friend right after the graduation. He's a very nice person actually, he never failed to be with me when I need someone to talk to. Makoto is an amazing guy, though not amazing as you are when it comes to tennis. Actually, he's like a young Sakuno who looks like a first timer in the sport. But just like the young me, he still loves tennis despite his poor skills in it." I intended to say those things. Maybe I just wanted to piss him off because I was already at my sarcastic state after the phone call. Again, he raised his other hand and placed it, hardly this time, on the wall passing my right shoulder. He cornered me through his matured arms and moved his head to my left, whisphering to my ear.
"Do you like him?"
"Yes..." I answered and clearly I felt his twitch after hearing them... so I continued, "though as a friend. You know the person I really love, Ryoma... and with no doubt and exceptions I love that person more than you can ever think of"
He removed his hands and moved his body away from me. "I'm sorry about earlier..."
"It's okay... I also thought the same way before... however it struck me badly that it made me unconscious"
"I'm terribly sorry..."
"Ryoma..." the thought came inside my head and disturbed me, "I wanted to ask... what are you going to do about the wedding?"
"I'm going to turn it down. Sakuno, you knew as well who I really love, so please hold on with me and bear with it for the last time..."
I looked away and said, "I'll try..."
"No" he touched my face and moved it straight back to his eyes, "You will"
After another peak of my day, I hit the sack with all the exhaustion, depression and confusion stuck on my body. The dinner already ended and it was the worst dinner I ever experienced. The foods were served and none of us talked to each other. There was a complete silence inside the room and when we were done, all of us left and went back to our own rooms. Chris's mother encouraged us to go to sleep earlier that night because we will be leaving first thing in the morning the next day. I also excused myself since I felt awfully ill that time and headed directly to my room. I took a rest, liked how the comfort made me feel relaxed as I pushed myself more on it. The aching muscles relievingly disappeared as I made a thorough stretching. Then, I paused.
Staring the wide space above me, I wondered what happened about the day of my supposed to be 'fighting' moment. It neither let Chris win the fight due to Ryoma's actions towards me the whole day. He showed me that he cared and left a last notice right after Makoto's call. Still, despite how Ryoma acted to me, I still felt like my fight was pointless. I was standing and moving inside his fiancee's house and his future mother-in-law spoke to me certain words as if I can never change anything at all. And then I thought, maybe I was too confident over myself about winning, but actually the reality for me was losing. This made my whole body shiver in fright.
I stood up, stared the floor and took steps away from the bed. Apparently, I was disturbed and obnoxious about what I had in mind. I was stirring all the words that Chris's mother and Ryoma told me. I tried to put them together and think what should I do next. Because in a fight without knowing your next plan, you'll end up losing ridiculously. The space near the end of the bed caught my attention. The silhouette of the moonlight affected my emotions, causing me to run over the open window and stare the moon looking back at me. Deeply, I stared at it; hoping that it will answer my questions somehow. Yet, it only paid me a heavy blow of wind and a goosebump that reacted on my fare skin. I was perfectly denied.
A moment or so, I heard my door creaked open. I looked back to see who it was and surprised, I watched the person walked towards me. It was Chris with a face I can't draw at all.
"Sakuno, I'm sorry about a while ago..." she spoke with a very silent and calm voice.
"It's okay..." looking away and back to the moon, I wanted to change the topic, "The view here is really nice. I like how it feels by just watching everything-"
"I know what's going on, Sakuno" she cried. My reflexes tried not to respond but my head turned on its own. Just to see her awful face which was worse than the face she created that morning in the garden, I can't answer at all. "I know that behind the coaching and Ryoma being your student, you both have a relationship". She looked at me with dispicable eyes with her tears flowing continuously. The complexion of her skin turned red and it sting me like I was the one at fault, "I know ever since that you love Ryoma and he loves you back... and I know clearly well that I can't do anything to stop this intimacy... to turn this love against you"
Still my words didn't come out of my mouth. My eyes just watched everything around me. Christ started to take her steps towards me. Raising her hand up and down, she blurted out her real emotions that even I couldn't believe. "I've been keeping all my grudges ever since I met you. When I saw you back at the tournament, I knew it was you. I never thought and treated you as Ryoma's coach! Whenever I look at you, I always think that you're the only person that Ryoma really love; and by just thinking that makes me feel awful!!"
She was already standing so close to me. By that distance I can see the details inside her eyes, how she feels and I could sense the reaction of her body as she continued, "I hate you! I despise you! Why is it only you that Ryoma can see? Why did you arrive now when I was about to get his love for my own good? You're unfair Sakuno!"
"I was not fair, Chris..." my words came out, "I didn't do anything wrong! We promised a long time ago and that made our relationship stronger! I came because I have a promise to continue"
"The promise never exist! He accepted the marriage five years ago, right before he made his promise with you! I was the first one who arrived in his life and you're just second!"
After hearing her statement, I got myself paralyzed by knowing the truth. Meaning, my fighting was a total rubbish from the start. My waiting for several years was nothing but my own privilege. The promise that we both said at the last day of graduation was nothing but my pure hallucination and childish fantasies.
"That's why..." she whimpered and fell down on her knees, grabbing my feet as she begged, "Go back to Japan! Forget everything about you and Ryoma! Forget him in your life! I know it's easy for you! Waiting for five years is the same as forgetting him! It's easy for you, Sakuno! You can do it best than me! I love him so much I can't bare seeing him with you! I love Ryoma that I would even risk my career for him! I would still love him even though I lose my life!" then another round of whimpering that I can't stand. Her voice echoed inside my head. I tried to stop my tears from falling but still it forced itself to come out.
That time, I lost my sense of understanding. I lost my will to stand and keep myself strong even though the other person was breaking. Even my life, I lost the big reason to survive. Then that made me realize... I was never been a winner and until the end I lost my fight. Loving someone always end up in big risks. You can't tell if you need to sacrifice or you'll keep going on until the end. But one thing's for sure, when you had given everything you've got, pushed your own pride just to have what you want, finish all the things you need to accomplish, just to tell the whole world you are soo damn happy... everything will still fail. When you always want to feel the victory in your heart, sometimes it's not bad to raise your own flag and surrender. Somehow, it turns out that it's for the good's sake than to feel the worst part of life.
"Please... Sakuno" she burried her face on my knees, "...leave while everything is not yet too late"
I bend myself over her, removed the tears on her cheeks and said, "I can't do anything, can I?"
The next thing I saw was her face drenched again with unstoppable tears as she pushed her body over mine. She leaned her face on my slim shoulders and I felt the water marking on my shirt. I didn't have any guts to believe and wait anymore. I was very sorry for myself.
We headed ourselves back on the road. The car was filled with silence and the only thing you can hear was the buzzing noise of the engine. I kept myself quiet and didn't want to be disturbed at the same seat as before. Watching the random things happening and living on the other side of the window, I closed my mouth shut. Ever since we left Chris's villa, we neither laughed nor discuss something hilarious. The atmosphere was the same back when we were going to the trip. I even thought that maybe my feelings will also fade just like how the comfort made me feel numb and dead. So I decided to close my eyes and forced myself to sleep.
But the dark vision I saw captivated me. Instead of dreaming a different and happy dream... something from the past came over and destroyed me all over again. That dream narrated the day when I thought was the last day of my life. A day when everyone was so happy leaving their alma matter yet I was so depressed to know that the only person I love for all of my life was about to leave me... more than the years I expected. The promise that we vowed over the grounds of the school pinched my heart into pieces. I saw flashes of his smiles and his laughters then my vision broke and I cried... seeing myself torn apart over the unbearable heart ache I experienced by just meeting him again. Then at the very end, I found myself shouting at everyone, laughing so foolishly and embaracing myself over the people looking at me, telling them that I was a loser and will always will; I held the whole world behind me and I let it destroy my pillars of life. And by the perfect ending of my tragic story, I killed myself for being alive... like a heroine sacrificing her life for the best.
"I'm heading back to my room" I spoke while I took my luggage away from the trunk of the car. Ryoma went out and helped me with my bags, but before he could even touch them they were already in my hands, "I can do it on my own" I said with a cold voice I never wanted him to hear. I never tried to look in his eyes and all through out, I avoided him.
"I'll help you"
"No thanks" I insisted and left with a cold impression.
Passing through the elevators, hallways and empty corners, I ended up exactly in my room. The lemon scent of the hotel welcomed me while I placed all my things beside the table. When I sat on the very edge of the bed, that was the only time when I had finally felt all my depression and exhaustion dropped from heaven and I couldn't hold on with the heaviness on my shoulders. So I tried standing up and move to put myself together. Maybe a twist from my daily routine would help me forget the helplessness, I thought. But my whole body reacted and shivered. I went to look for a piece of paper and a pen... then I started to write.
About the tennis match, how I should plan the next tennis practice, what would be the best advantages to gain a whole love-game in the finals of the tournament, I decided to write them all in. Besides, all I could think of myself was being the tennis coach of the greatest tennis player in the whole world. I can make myself useful by letting him win another round of consecutive games. But when I filled up the empty paper with all the things I can do, I stopped and swallowed a whole air through my mouth. "He will do great even if I was not with him..." I murmured, marking the whole sheet with a big X on it. The pen suddenly dropped from my hands and I saw myself shaking on its own. Water marked the paper and found myself crying once again.
My hand reached through my pocket and hurriedly took out my mobile phone. With my fingers uncontrollable, I searched for his name on my contact list and pushed the call button as fast as I could. I heard the other line in a continuous beat and when I heard the line answered by him, I bursted out in sorrowful moans.
"Sakuno" he said.
"Makoto... I can't bear it anymore..." crying...
"Hey, put yourself together, tell me what's wrong"
"I lied. We were not doing well! I don't know if he loves me or not! I thought seeing him again was a good idea! But I was totally wrong!"
"Sakuno... don't lose hope now! You're already there and don't waste your chances"
"I never had chances... and never will. I got myself fooled with such sweet words and now I'm killing myself over the pain"
"Calm down..."
When Makoto said those words, I couldn't help but to shed more tears and burried myself with all the moan. My head ached from all the whining and my cheeks were dripping wet. One, Five, Ten minutes passed and all I ever did was to cry and cry and cry. Non-stop round of crying and my heart raced with the pressure.
"Sakuno..." I could feel his plead to make me stop, but even though I wanted to I can't. "Cry until you have nothing left..."
"It hurts so much, Makoto... I don't know what to do"
"If only I was there to comfort you..."
"I'm terribly sorry..."
"You don't need to apologize, you know I'm always here for you... and even if he left you without notice I would still be here"
"Makoto..."
"So what are you planning now?"
"I'm going back..." I repeated, "I'm going home~"
Before that day ended, I got myself a ticket back to Japan. I packed all my bags and ready myself to leave. I glanced my room for the last time. I recalled all the things that happened to me inside that room... the good and happy memories though. And when I finally closed the door, I finally bid my goodbye. When I passed the door next to mine, I gave out a smile and pulled my luggage. Aside from being his childhood friend, a supporter, a fan, a lover or whatever he treats me, just plainly as a tennis coach I never pleased myself by leaving the same day on my student's final match. That made me feel worthless as a tennis fan and a human as well.
After a few days and hours of travelling, I finally arrived in tmy real homeland. I don't need to pretend with artificial and look-a-like things since I can look for the real ones in my real home. I don't need to speak a foreign language I'm not used to since all of the people in my homeland will understand what I say. Having myself back to where I was supposed to be was a big relief and a big achievement. I was thankful that I can be happy with myself standing alone. Because even if I left my heart and pride in Europe I still have my life and my future with me. Just by that, I can move myself and be better on my own. It might take time for me to move on, but just like what Chris told me, waiting for 5 years is no difference when it comes with forgetting. The year gap may look a lot, but for me it's like a bite ant; it easily fades away.
"Sakuno!" somebody called my name beyond the huge crowd of japanese people in the airport. I was eager to see that man's face and couldn't resist the happinness I was feeling inside.
I found him. "Makoto!"
"Welcome back!" with open arms he welcomed me.
"I'm home!" and in return I took those arms around me and embraced him through the waist. "I missed you!"
"Me too! It's nice to see you again!" It felt totally different from the way I embraced Makoto instead of Ryoma. Though they were both men, the structure and the warmth was not the same. This made me feel dissapointed. But then, I ended up preferring the arms of the man I was holding into than the ones I used to embrace back in Europe. There was no pain and coldness, and it made me feel secure.
Makoto accompanied me to his car. He insisted himself to carry my things and I can't resist when it's him. I watched myself being with him and I missed the old moments I had. The old days, the usual conversations, the childish plays and the time when he hugs me for comfort. When he was a few inches ahead of me, I stared his back and imagined how happy my life could be if I had met Makoto instead. But my imaginations had brought me to my recklessness and my dizziness devoured my whole body. My visions split into two and I found two men, the first was the man I ran into and the other was the man I left. My heart hardly paused and it caused me to break down... almost.
He dropped my bags and rescued my fall, "Are you okay?"
"I-I'm fine... It might be because of the trip..."
Helping me to get back my posture, he took the bags again and stood behind me and guided me through the walk.
He drove the car and I sat next to him in the passenger seat. We had a classic music played on the radio and to adden up, we had a few conversations about the friends I left when I went to New York and never did he ask anything about me and my experience there. A lot of things I wanted to see again yet there were somethings I wanted to forget. I looked at the clock and noticed that it was late in the afternoon, thinking what time could it be and what was happening during the last game in the Wimbledon Tournament. However I talked to myself, I thought I already fixed myself that when I get back to Japan I'll forget everything.
But it felt like my other half seperated from my body and nagged at me. You will never forget him, now at this state. Then, my dizziness returned and my head pumped heavily. I couldn't understand the flow of my blood and can't control my mind from recalling everything. It felt like my memories burst out and all the things happened, the sad ones and the happy ones, scattered. I got myself at the peak of holding back and I heard Makoto calling my name a lot of times. My whole body swayed from left to right. The vision of the cars and the people along the road started to get blurry and later on they slowly faded. Again, I pushed myself back as my temperature turned really cold, making me shiver all through out. Together with Makoto pulling over the car in one side of the road, I hurriedly open the door beside me and I ended up throwing up. I threw up a lot and tears appeared behind my eyes. I didn't cry because of the pain of love, that's for sure.
Another one and I started coughing heavily.
"Sakuno! What's wrong?!" I saw Makoto in great panic, "Wait, I'll get you some water!"
Another cough and vomit, I pulled out my hand and grabbed Makoto's shirt, "Don't..." I whisphered losing my grip and my senses. He screamed my name and I collapsed over him. He repeated the same words and I couldn't hold on any longer. My eyes slowly closed its lid and desperately I lost my consciousness.
oOo End of Chapter oOo
(A/N): Okay so, I have two kinds of epilogues and I'm puzzle which one I should post. So I guess, this would be best to let the readers know how you want it to be. A forever RyoSaku ending or something worse to pay Ryoma's treatment over the poor protagonist! x) Just tell me what you think and I would really love to give something that my readers wanted! xD Thank you, Thank you! m(= o =)m