11th: Butterfly

Summary: Sometimes, she imagined what it would be like to float through the air … free of worries, free of pain … simply free and maybe even happy.

The scar on her back burned and the bandages itched but Ultear ignored these thoughts. A scar like this was nothing unusual for a mage who fought close combat as she did but to know that she had nearly been killed by a mage who didn't even use an interesting kind of magic was slightly insulting and she could still hear Jellal's biting comment as she closed her eyes for a moment after staring into the distance for a few hours.

Pain was nothing new to her and she knew that she should be used to it but even removing her Grimoire Heart mark by force since it hadn't vanished the way it had been supposed to hadn't hurt this badly. She shook her head as she wrapped her arms around her legs and ignored the agonising pain that ran through her body for half a second after she had moved.

Sometimes, she searched for words to apologise to all the people whose lives she had ruined – most of the time, she couldn't come up with more than 'I am sorry' and this did hardly cover what she had done in her illusion that she could improve the world by destroying it first. Her guilt often kept her from sleeping and when she couldn't sleep, to explain her actions to herself and she couldn't even convince herself that she had had reasons, once, before Gray Fullbuster hadn't only defeated her but also shown her the truth. Her whole life had been based on lies, lies she had been told and lies she had told herself to calm her conscience.

She turned her head to look at Jellal and Meredy who were resting under a tree, half asleep and exhausted after their training in the morning. They were so forgiving and kind, perhaps the best people in the whole world even though society wouldn't agree with her opinion because both of them were supposed to be ruthless and cruel. Society couldn't be less right. Ultear remembered. She remembered Jellal standing up for Fairy Tail before their prominent members had been erased and she remembered Meredy helping the blue-haired water mage who had possessed a heart bigger than Fiore, admirable ideals and the strength to back it up.

She truly admired Juvia Loxar and Gray Fullbuster because unlike her, they really believed into what they fought for. Maybe this was the reason why Fairy Tail had been the strongest guild. They had believed into themselves and until the ugly black dragon had appeared, their method had been extremely successful and Ultear would have loved to cooperate with them or at least a few of their members because compared to them, she was truly evil. To work with Fairy Tail mages might have been helpful as she had searched for a path in her messy life.

She had been selfish and cruel. She had ruined other people's lives without a second thought because she had believed that this was the prince she had to pay for her goals. She had been a fool but it had taken too long for her to realise this.

Now, she fought against people she used to support and against her own darkness.

She had accepted her guilt and she had sworn herself that she wouldn't rest until she had atoned for her countless sins but sometimes, she felt like she was carrying the weight of the whole world on her shoulders and she wished for a moment of peace, a moment without fear a being caught. She was to blame that Zeref had awoken and even if it meant her death, she wouldn't allow the black mage to destroy more than he had already ruined.

She breathed deeply as she counted slowly from ten down to one as she tilted back her head and stared at the blue sky above her. She wondered what it would be like to be free from gravity, what it would feel like to float through air like there were no sadness or sorrow in this world. She wished that she had wings and that she could fly away from all the pain and that she could say goodbye to everyone who had known her before and to start a completely new life.

She wanted to reach her goal without any more losses because she wasn't sure if she could really take the pain of losing a beloved person again. She was impatient even though she had worked on her patience when she had been one of the ten wizard saints and she couldn't wait forever for something to happen. She needed someone to help her out of her misery because she was no butterfly that could fly away once it got too bothersome.

Sometimes, she remembered her mother and she hated how she had messed up the only chance to be with Ur again fate had given her. She had been there, she could have stepped out of the forest and she could have been with her mother again but now, all she could do was to say goodbye to a memory and to try to move on from her childhood.

Still, all she truly wanted to do was to float away and to be free of everything … and to be happy, truly happy for the first time of her life.