Title: About trees and empty forests.
Pairing: Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel.
Rating: Nc17.
Warnings: Strip and lap dances. Misunderstood prostitution. Bulimia. Depression. Breath play.
Spoilers: S1 and S2.
Beta: Ella Greggs.
Word Count: 11ooo this chapter.
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama.
Disclaimer: Pft! If I owned Glee, Dave would be back.
Summary: It's been five yearssince Kurt Hummel and Dave Karofsky left Lima, following different paths. Now their lives are far from being what they dreamed for themselves and when they meet again, Dave mistakes Kurt for a hooker. Kurt doesn't tell him different.
Chapter 10
Kurt gets sick.
He lays in bed propped up by pillows, covered with several blankets and holding the mask of his nebulizer to his face. Under his arm he has a toilet paper roll, since he blows his nose so many times and toilet paper is cheaper than Kleenex. There's an ever-growing pile of used 'tissue' balls on his nightstand.
This is nothing new to Kurt, but still every and each time he falls sick he hates it. He can't stop coughing, it's hard to breathe and his body aches all over, as usual. He went from Dave's apartment to MetFood the previous day, but during the course of the afternoon his coughing got louder and nastier and it was a good thing it was his night off at The VIP. If his cough isn't too ugly, he can still work at MetFood, at least in the stockroom, as long as he can stay steady on his feet; but he can't cough on customers' faces while dancing on their laps. The bad thing is that The VIP pays better.
He hates both jobs, but he hates The VIP more, because financially he needs The VIP more.
Now that the cold is in full swing, he'll be missing both jobs for probably an entire week and all the pay that goes with them. That's presuming this cold stays a cold, instead of turning into something worse. Kurt doesn't want to think about the alternative.
His phone vibrates somewhere under the pile of used 'tissues' and when Kurt grabs it his heart sinks. It's Dave. He's completely forgotten today is Wednesday and he's supposed to be at Dave's. At least, that's the routine they've built - he spends Monday and Wednesday nights with Dave. But he's been feeling so sick yesterday and today that he completely forgot.
Dave's text says: See you tonight?
He feels kind of bad for not being able to go to Dave's tonight, but he can't really do much when he's constantly coughing his lungs out of his chest. Yet, it surprises him how disappointed he is about not being able to see Dave.
Kurt texts back: I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it tonight.
It takes a few minutes for Dave to reply. Next Monday then?
Kurt chuckles; part of him doesn't want to tell Dave he's sick, but today is Wednesday and it's possible he won't be better by Monday. If this is just a cold, he'll probably stay in bed for a week, maybe less; if he gets persistent fever… then probably a few days more. Hopefully it's going to be just the flu, because he really doesn't want to buy costly antibiotics.
But Dave knows about his health now, so he believes he won't be losing much by telling Dave what's going on. At least Kurt won't be lying to him.
I caught a cold. If I feel better by Monday, I'll let you know.
This time, Dave replies almost instantly. Are you okay? Do you need something?
Dave's concern is, like always, as endearing as it is annoying. Kurt comes down with flues and colds and bronchitis at least once every two months, and it has been that way for the last five years. At this point, he can handle himself perfectly well, thank you very much.
I'm fine. I just need some bed rest.
Please let me know how you're doing. Dave texts him.
I will. Have a great week. Kurt replies, knowing he won't be updating Dave with the latest news about his health.
You too, and get better soon.
Kurt hopes he'll get better soon. It sort of bothers him now to acknowledge that he could easily be at Dave's apartment tonight, comfortable and with someone. Loneliness always hits him harder when he gets sick, and a few weeks ago that was just the way it was because Kurt never socialized with anyone. But Dave is back in his life now and Kurt has started enjoying spending time with someone again.
Kurt groans, coughing loudly once more. His lungs and throat start aching again and he wishes Dave hadn't text him, because now he doesn't only has to deal with his physical state, but also he gets to feel ten times more lonely than he did before.
Suddenly, Kurt really wishes he were able to see Dave tonight. It's a stupid longing, since he's sick and they wouldn't do anything, but surely Dave would be all caring with him, Kurt knows that much. But maybe, even if it would annoy Kurt deeply, it would be nice to have someone around when he's sick for once. Kurt doesn't even want someone to nurse him, he just wants Dave around to commiserate with him while he's stuck in bed.
Kurt blinks at that thought. Well, he doesn't want Dave specifically, of course. Dave just happens to be around somehow…
By Friday, Dave feels like he's going insane. Kurt's ill and that thought doesn't let him be. Dave's sure that Kurt won't let him know if he needs something, and ever since Kurt texted telling him he's sick, the only thing Dave does is wonder how sick Kurt is, if someone is helping him, if he has everything he needs, if he's in pain, if he's getting worse… Deep down, Dave knows that Kurt has no one to rely on and it kills Dave, because he doesn't even know where Kurt lives. Otherwise, he could take him some soup, or maybe tuck him in bed. Both incredibly ridiculous, but Dave feels the urge to do something, anything, to make Kurt at least a little better.
It wasn't just bad enough finding out that Kurt's health is fragile and that he gets sick quite often; the worst part was when Kurt told him one time the flu was so bad he ended up in a coma. The thought of Kurt being in the ICU comatose and intubated makes Dave literally sick; if that happened once, it could happen again, so Dave tries not to think about that, since ever time he does, he goes a little dizzy.
Dave figured that Kurt was getting sick. Kurt might have not noticed, but the last night they spent together, Dave woke up several times because Kurt was coughing in his sleep. So he resolved that letting Kurt sleep in at his place was a good thing to do. Dave even got some breakfast for him and turned on the heater to keep him warm. Dave finally understands why Kurt hates being cold so much. The weather is turning cold now and Kurt's health is turning bad. It kind of breaks Dave's heart in a lot of pieces.
And just like Dave predicted, knowing what went down with Kurt's life, it didn't change anything. It's been a couple of days since they talked and Dave still worries.
Dave doesn't speculate anymore, but he's concerned about Kurt's health.
As soon as he arrives home from work, Dave pulls out his cellphone because he can't take it anymore and starts texting Kurt. He deletes the message several times because he doesn't know what to say or to ask that won't sound clingy or nosy. After all, Kurt's supposed to be just his hooker, and Dave doesn't want Kurt to know how much he cares for him because he would look utterly pathetic at Kurt's eyes. Dave figures it's bad enough being fat and sweaty around Kurt.
Eventually he decides to try sounding casual: Hey. How are you feeling?
Kurt doesn't answer. Not right away, and Dave starts anguishing. What if Kurt's in the hospital? Five, ten, fifteen minutes pass without an answer but Dave doesn't dare call because it would be too desperate for him to call Kurt or to text him again so soon. Maybe Kurt is just away from his phone, or in the shower, or sleeping… or at the ER.
To release the tension, Dave calls Outback Steakhouse and orders baby back ribs with french fries. He's hungry and anxious and he has eaten almost nothing since Wednesday.
Twenty minutes later his phone vibrates and Dave breathes, relieved, as he sees that Kurt just replied.
Sorry, I didn't hear the phone. Still in bed, still sick but not at my worst. I'm doing a little better. Missing me?
That's reassuring. In fact, that's very reassuring, because in a matter of minutes Kurt went from coughing to hospitalized in Dave's mind.
Then Dave blushes furiously. Surely Kurt's just being flirty, sticking to his job, but… he actually does miss Kurt. Spending last Wednesday without Kurt was almost unbearable, because of the mere knowledge that Kurt could have been at home with him. Instead, Dave spent his night devouring several pizzas.
But Dave cannot look that desperate so he texts back:
Obviously. My bed is cold without you.
Dave tries to stick to the sexual part; their agreement. Kurt is the greatest lay, so it would be sensible for him as the client to miss that part.
Ha! You do have a hand, you know? It's been not even a week.
Dave laughs at Kurt's text, and he's glad that Kurt's not thinking that he's desperate for him in particular, even if he is.
My hand can't compare to you, jeez. And what can I say? I'm insatiable.
That's good. They're sticking to the sex, both of them, and though he wishes Kurt wasn't his prostitute, Dave wouldn't have Kurt if he wasn't, so he tries not to think much about that since that thought does no good; Dave can't make Kurt stop whoring himself and he can't make Kurt like him either, so he just has to accept this reality, since it is, sadly, the best he can get.
So true! I'll let you know if I'm better on Monday.
At least Kurt doesn't sound annoyed or upset by his neediness. Dave can't tell much from a couple of texts, but Kurt replied and flirted with him so he can't be too sick. 'Too sick' as 'need to intubate,' since that was what was worrying Dave.
He's glad that Kurt stayed at his place last Tuesday morning for at least a little while, long enough to eat breakfast anyway. Maybe they could do that again; after all, they've built a routine that includes them having dinner together. Kurt could stay at Dave's apartment while Dave's at work. Dave considers buying a coffee machine so Kurt can have nice coffee on the mornings, since it's the least he deserves. Dave's co-workers are constantly talking about how incredible the Nespresso is and he wonders if Kurt would like that.
If Kurt stays during mornings, of course. Kurt sometimes seems uncomfortable making himself at home if Dave's there, not wanting to take baths, for example. It must be hard for Kurt to forget he's a prostitute and not supposed to do anything unless his client tells him it's okay. But Dave would like Kurt to stay at his place and be comfortable there. He never lived with anyone since moving out of his parents' house and the company feels good.
Kurt's company feels good in spite of all the issues between them.
Yes, Kurt could stay during mornings if he wants to. It could really work. There's already a precedent for it, even if that first time Dave was just trying to ease his conscience after forcing Kurt to tell about his private life. But now that they've done it once, it might be something they could keep on doing.
God, it's been a little more than a month since they started seeing each other, only one short month since Dave's life turned upside down. It seems longer, but now Dave can't imagine his life without Kurt and that's quite alarming because he knows he's falling hard.
Things are not okay, not with him, not with Kurt and not with the both of them together, and for some reason, Dave does not believe that it's going to get any better. This can't end well, and more than likely it won't.
Hopefully, Kurt will remain as healthy as he can, and the only thing Dave can do is help Kurt stay healthy, as long as Kurt lets him.
When Kurt heads to Dave's apartment the following Wednesday, he's a bundle of nerves. He hates to admit that he wanted to get better really badly not just to return to work and stop losing so much money, but also to see Dave again. Kurt shouldn't miss Dave; it's certainly not right, and it's pretty confusing, but he always finds some comfort in Dave's familiarity and how Dave links him to his good past, even if that reinforces how bad his present is.
Kurt tries to conceal his giddiness and hopefully he's succeeding. He doesn't beat himself up too hard about feeling content for this; he has the right to feel content about something, so sue him for wanting to see Dave after spending almost a week all by himself, seeing only his neighbor just once or twice.
But he's as nervous to see Dave as he is impatient, because payback is a bitch and Kurt is determined now to get information from Dave.
He had a lot of time to think about his situation with Dave during the past few days while being locked in the solitude of his apartment under a bunch of blankets. His plan began to form on Thursday night when he coughed so hard that he threw up. It's not something odd; sometimes when his coughing is really really ugly, his gag reflex kicks in and he ends up vomiting, usually just nasty phlegm and whatever he ate or drank. It doesn't happen often, but when it happens, Kurt hates it.
Kurt was there in his bathroom and his throat ached terribly, also his stomach, and the pain coming from his abs muscles suddenly constricting was terrible, and all that made him instantly think about Dave.
How can Dave do that to himself?
Throwing up - it's already ugly and painful when you don't want it, how can you possibly inflict it voluntarily on yourself? Kurt has read plenty of pamphlets in the ER and he knows generally about plenty of diseases, but this little moment he had in the bathroom made him consider a lot of things that he'd never actually considered before. Kurt knows that if Dave's bulimic, he must have some serious self-esteem issues, he surely sees his body in a very different way than it actually is and feels conflicted about how he looks; and Kurt knows for a fact about Dave's binging and purging.
But that Thursday, Kurt came to understand Dave's illness on a deeper level. He never really considered the physical pain of throwing up until it happened to him, and that was just a little of phlegm… He can only imagine how painful it must be for Dave to feel three entire cheesecakes or a full Indian meal coming up his throat. That thought was not pleasant at all. Dave must be in pain, psychological, maybe, and emotionally, considering he's obviously bulimic, even if they never mentioned that word. Dave does take pills prescribed by a shrink. But there's also the physical pain now.
Kurt shouldn't even care, not after all the misery Dave put him through the last time they were together. Yet, the idea of Dave being in pain upsets Kurt for some reason.
It doesn't end with Dave's bulimia though; that's just the tip of the iceberg. Kurt knows that's the topic he'd get the least answers about if he asked, but he knows nothing else about Dave, either. Nothing. It really bothers him that Dave knows the worst of his life, while he's completely in the dark about Dave's. It's simply not fair, and Kurt is sick of being at a disadvantage, because he's always at a disadvantage – as the guy with fragile health, or the guy with debts, and now as the guy who is Dave's whore.
But that's it; if Dave's going to have access to his life, then Kurt will have equally access to Dave's. And it's not just a matter of equality; Kurt really wants to know about Dave, since he's been wondering about different aspects of his client's life for a long time now.
Tonight it's Kurt's turn.
He doesn't think about that when he arrives at Dave's building, though; his plans quickly fade away when he hears Dave's voice through the security entry system, inviting him upstairs. Lord, he really missed Dave's voice, could he be any more pathetic? Probably not, but it doesn't stop Kurt from rushing to the elevator with a big smile on his face.
He needs to keep in mind that to Dave he's just a hooker and that that is in fact something good, since he can leave his horrid personal life behind for a handful of hours. Kurt can't let himself be himself with Dave, because he'll start doing stupid things, like feeling warm in Dave's company, or content, or happy, and that will definitely lead him to something awful, and Kurt already has enough stuff to deal with.
His resolve doesn't hold very well, though, because he ends up embracing the joy and comfort provided by the warmth growing inside his chest. He doesn't do much to conceal his grin when Dave opens the door for him; Dave is smiling as well.
"Hey, you," Kurt greets Dave, letting himself in, closing the door behind him without breaking eye contact with Dave.
"Hi, doll," Dave replies, wrapping his arms around Kurt's slender back and pulling him into a soft kiss.
Kurt can feel Dave's smile on his lips when he kisses back and for some reason his chest expands, just slightly. He's stupidly happy but he can't help it; what's ridiculous is that he saw Dave just a week ago. Kurt can't let himself grow clingy.
"How are you feeling?" Dave asks tenderly when they break apart.
"Much better."
Dave narrows his eyes a bit. "Only 'better'? You're not totally over your cold now?"
There's a glimpse of worry in Dave's voice that instantly annoys Kurt, almost like a mood killer.
"My throat still hurts a little and I have to blow my nose from time to time, but that's it," Kurt blurts out, and he instantly curses to himself. He should have told Dave he's really fine. Dave's surely going to make a big deal out of this.
"You should have stayed in bed if you weren't feeling well," Dave tells him, and it sounds like a preach. Kurt rolls his eyes; Dave's reacting just like he predicted.
Kurt moves away, taking his jacket off and putting down his bag, because he really can't stand Dave when he goes all caring with him; Dave's pity - it's like a bad itch on his body that puts Kurt in the worst mood.
"Well, I can't afford staying in bed for so long," Kurt states, putting his hooker self right in front as a shield. "I have bills to pay."
And that's actually true, so it's not like he's making things up. Kurt shouldn't stay in bed for too long while he's sick because, indeed, he loses a lot of money. He's lying to Dave, though, and he knows it; he's certainly not here, with Dave again, for the purpose of getting Dave's 300 bucks in his pocket. Kurt's never here for the money. While he thinks in numbers all the time, especially when he works, constantly making additions and subtractions to everything he does, Kurt doesn't focus on the money aspect of being with Dave, and he doesn't want to focus on it.
In fact, despite being a lot of money, the 300 dollars that he gets every Monday and Wednesday are not even in Kurt's weekly budget, not even for the Stove Fund, since he's never comfortable with that money. He doesn't use any of it to live on, every penny goes towards paying medical debts.
Kurt's slightly upset though, so he won't think much about the real reasons he's here.
Luckily, Dave only sighs at his reply, not pushing the topic forwards, as he leads Kurt to the dining room. And this is where it begins; Kurt forces himself not to grow nervous.
"About that…" Kurt beings, when Dave leads him almost in front to the table, obviously inviting him to sit down and have dinner.
"Cheese ravioli. You don't like it?"
Kurt presses his lips into a tight smile. "I do, actually," and he notices the plate is heaped full of good smelling pasta with tomato sauce. "But I was thinking that I'd better not have dinner."
Dave's face falls right away and Kurt believes that this might work. "How come? Is this food wrong? We can order something else-"
"This is perfect, David," Kurt retorts calmly. "I really love pasta."
"Then have dinner with me," he says, sounding confused and a little disappointed and Kurt feels a little bad for making Dave go through this. But Dave upset him the last time so screw him.
Kurt sits down in his regular seat, not looking at his plate but at David. "You know, last week it really bothered me having to tell you all that stuff," he says, neither offended nor sad. He's just informing Dave.
Dave stares at Kurt, sitting down across from him, looking completely tense but not guilty in the slightest. "It wasn't the nicest thing to do but-"
"It wasn't, indeed," Kurt cuts him off casually. He's not mad about this anymore since he can't change what's past, and, because of that, Kurt might have a chance now to find out stuff about Dave. "And I think it's not fair that you get to know so much about me, while I know nothing about you. Just like you, I want to know stuff."
Dave narrows his eyes at him, holding a tight and uneasy smile. "I have nothing to tell you," he says, maybe a bit too defensively and it doesn't hurt any of Kurt's feelings.
"Too bad, because I have a lot of questions," Kurt tells him, crossing his arms over the table. "But I won't ask if you don't want me to." For some reason, this situation is making Kurt feel kind of giddy and chipper. He's playing with Dave, and he believes he'll achieve his task.
Dave's eyes are slowly showing a more serious glare. "I don't want you to," he states. "I don't get what this has to do with the food."
Kurt bites his lower lip. "Well, I figured that I can't really pay you to answer questions, as you so gallantly did with me," he says icily and Dave looks away, upset. At least he's showing some guilt. "But how about... one ravioli per question?"
Dave's eyes are suddenly fixed on him. "What?"
"One's not enough? Two ravioli, maybe?"
"Are you blackmailing me with food?"
Kurt plays it cool, almost playful and amused, even if he's dead serious. It seems important for Dave to feed him, so Kurt might as well try and see how far that gets him.
"I don't know. Is it working?"
Dave stays silent for several seconds. "This is ridiculous."
"If you say so… why don't we go to your bedroom? It's been over a week," he says, using his sexy voice, knowing this battle is not lost just yet.
"No, Kurt. Not yet, we have to have dinner first," Dave states, almost frustrated.
"I'm not going to have dinner," Kurt replies innocently. "Not unless you answer my questions, so if you don't want to do that then let's move to the bed."
Dave's jaw clenches, and he starts tapping his foot nervously. "So... what? You'll never have dinner with me again?"
Kurt shrugs again. "I don't mind. I was good with just having sex. I do like having dinner with you, but I can live without that. It's not like it's the first time I'll go to bed skipping a meal."
"Kurt, just eat this, please," Dave commands, growing exasperated and anxious.
"Nuh-uh, two ravioli per question."
"That's ridiculous, I told you!"
"Then we should go to your room and have sex! I told you that, too!"
Dave suddenly stands up, marching towards the rack where his coat is hanging and oh, no, Kurt's not going to let him do that again. "Don't you even try to offer me money to eat because after last week, I won't be taking any more money from you, ever for any reason other than sex," Kurt states, his tone serious this time.
And it works because Dave stops and comes back to the table. "C'mon, Kurt. You've just recovered from a cold, you need to eat. In fact, you're not even fully recovered. Have you even fed yourself properly this past week?"
At some other moment, Kurt would be utterly offended, and deep down inside he is because who is Dave to question how well he takes care of himself? Yes, he's quite poor but Jesus Christ, he can buy food! But it occurs to Kurt now that Dave is showing him a new way to trick him, a trick Kurt hadn't thought about before.
"As much as I could. You know how broke I am, David," Kurt lies, sounding pitiful.
Kurt actually doesn't eat much when he's sick, but that's because he hardly has any appetite since all the food seems tasteless. And this past week Chantal brought him a lot of chicken soup so he didn't do badly at all.
Yet, while he hates being someone that Dave feels sorry for so much, Dave's pity for him could be the key to success and how ironic that none other than Dave pointed that out to him. So Kurt needs to exploit this; to play the sick, stray puppy abandoned in the rain that Dave thinks he is.
And it works, because Dave is looking at him with deep concern. "As much as you could? What's that supposed to mean? Did you eat at all?"
"Most days," he replies, sounding faux-small. "It's not a big deal, David."
"Most days?! Not a big deal?! You know that poor nutrition is no good for your health, especially when your health is already fucked up. You can't skip meals, Kurt, even less if you're sick!"
It's pretty hard for Kurt not to laugh at the irony. If Kurt wasn't trying to get information from David, he'll be once again offended by Dave's words. Dave's the last person who should use 'health' and 'nutrition' in the same sentence.
Right in that moment, Kurt's feels a sudden itch in his nose and he sneezes loudly. He can't believe the perfect timing, because he didn't even fake it and it adds a lot to his sick puppy act; Dave stares at him, worried and nervous.
"Just eat something, please. You're recovering from a cold, you need to keep your body's defenses strong."
Kurt takes a tissue from his pocket and blows his nose, shaking his head. "You know what my conditions are."
Dave fidgets in place, visibly anxious. It kills Kurt a little; Dave seems very much trapped, uncomfortable and nervous and maybe Dave thinks Kurt's going to question his eating habits since Kurt has caught him on that. It's very likely Dave doesn't want to spill about that. Kurt's not stupid, so he won't ask straightforwardly; obviously that's a sensitive issue and has to be approached with care.
"Fine."
Kurt beams, holding the fork right away. "Good. What's your job?"
Dave blinks, as if taken aback by that question. "My job?" Kurt nods. Obviously Dave was expecting a much worse question, because the nervous look he had in his eyes fades slowly.
"Yes, your job. What do you do for living? You know what I do for living, so it's only fair."
Dave actually smiles, relaxing. "I'm a financial manager. I work for American Express."
Wow. That sounds… well, so not Dave Karofsky. Dave's clearly doing well, but Kurt never expected that the former jock and Neanderthal was going to become something related to finances. Maybe something related to sports? Yet, Dave probably didn't expect him to turn into a stripper and lap dancer - and a prostitute (but that's not reality).
Kurt pierces two raviolis and pops them in his mouth, sticking to his part of the deal. The food is really good, as usual, and Dave sighs, sounding almost relieved.
"Do you like it?" Kurt inquires.
"My job? Not really. I don't hate it but it's certainly not my passion. It's quite boring, actually."
"Then why do you do it? Did you study in college to become a financial manager?"
"I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I didn't want to waste time studying something useless. I'm good with numbers, so I studied something where I could get the job that paid best, make some money, and if I figure out what I want to do, I'll be able to afford it."
Kurt says nothing, processing Dave's words and Dave points at the plate. "What?"
"I just answered your questions, it's your turn to eat."
"I didn't ask any questions."
"You asked me if I liked my job and why did I do it."
Sneaky bastard… "That was just conversation," Kurt states. Those were not questions he planned.
"Two questions, two answers, four raviolis. Your rules, you know?"
Kurt glares at Dave, but he still eats. It's not like it's a big sacrifice.
"It's not a bad plan, I guess," Kurt comments, taking care not to phrase any questions unintentionally.
"I guess not. I still don't know what I really want to do, but if I ever, I don't know, want to turn into an artist, I won't have to worry that I'm going to get evicted because I didn't sell enough paintings."
Kurt is impressed. "You like to paint?" He didn't expect that from Dave. It's actually nice to know that he has an artistic si-
"No, it was just an example. I'm definitely not an artistic guy," Dave replies, pointing at the plate again.
Damn, he's being quite sloppy. The plate is full, so Kurt knows he can ask several more questions, but he must be careful not to run out of food because he asked dumb questions, missing the important ones.
"Are you out?" Kurt inquires after swallowing down his food. That's a good question and Kurt's eager to know.
"As in gay out?"
"Well, yeah."
"I am," Dave replies, not sounding bothered in the slightest. "I came out in college; it wasn't as much of a big deal as I thought it was going to be, but I guess that when you're in college it's not such a big deal as when you're in high school. People care less."
Kurt's been wondering a lot about that because maybe if Dave were still in the closet, it could be something that affects his self esteem and even depresses him. But if Dave's out and totally cool with it… Kurt chews his food slowly, and decides to stay on the topic.
"So everybody knows? Your parents and… I don't know, at work?"
Dave nods. "I'm not particularly loud about it, but I don't hide it. At work they know, yes. Most of them are older and married, and since I was single they wanted to introduce me to girls so I told them I was gay. They were surprised but no one gave me a hard time. As for my parents… They weren't thrilled when I told them, but they didn't take it badly, either; it took them time to get used to it, I guess, but now my mother asks me if I've got a boyfriend already…"
Kurt laughs. "Do you?"
"What?"
"Have a boyfriend."
Dave snorts. "You think you'd be here if I was with someone? I'm not a cheater."
Kurt keeps on eating as the answers pile up, and for some reason he thinks it's nice to know that Dave's not a cheater. Most people cheat, sadly, or at least that's been Kurt's experience. Back in high school, most people in the Glee club had cheated on their boyfriends or girlfriends in some way. Then all of his boyfriends had cheated on him. It's good to know that Dave is not one, but then he hurries to remind himself that Dave not being a cheater is irrelevant since Kurt's not going to date him.
"I wouldn't know," Kurt replies, trying to sound indifferent. "Have you had boyfriends?"
"Twice."
"What happened?"
Dave shrugs, looking slightly uncomfortable. "I don't know. Grew apart, I guess; most couples break up at some point. Usually, the boyfriend you get in your twenties is not the one that's going to last forever. People change, grow up, and your goals and aspirations are not the same when you're twenty as when you're twenty-five or thirty."
Kurt can't say much since Dave has a point. Couples do break up and there's nothing unusual about it.
Yet, his mind races as he tries to reconcile what he's found out about Dave's troubles with what Dave is saying now and it's hard.
Dave makes a great living; it's obvious he did well at college; he has a good job in an important company; he's out, so that can't be something that affects his self-esteem; and he's even been in relationships with men, which reaffirms that Dave's clearly comfortable with being gay.
Of course, Dave grew up and he's not seventeen anymore. Accepting his sexuality might have troubled Dave in the past, but it doesn't seem to be troubling now. His co-workers know, his family knows… and that means there's a bunch of pill bottles in Dave's bathroom and Kurt still doesn't know what they are for. What is making Dave hurt so much? His bulimia? God, this is very hard.
"Are you sad?" Kurt inquires, trying not to sound nervous.
Dave frowns as if he didn't get the question. "Sad?"
Kurt nods. "I found your pills in your bathroom."
Dave swallows hard; his face is difficult to read. He fidgets in place as if he's debating between yelling at Kurt and digging a hole in the floor and crawling into it.
"I didn't mean to," Kurt hurries to explain, because he doesn't want Dave to think he was nosing through his stuff. "That night when you told me to take a bath… I never get to do that; I can hardly shower comfortably at my place since water turns cold within ten minutes, and that bath… I wanted to make the most of it. I wondered if you had, I don't know, salts or scents. I didn't find any, but I saw your pills."
He adds that little bit of truth about how he can't even shower comfortably not just to add more to his 'I'm a poor guy' act, but because it really seems that his misery unsettles Dave, and he hopes it makes him forget the fact that Kurt sort of poked around his stuff. And it works, since the glimpse of anger on Dave's face fades and pity replaces it.
But Dave opens his mouth and closes it again, like he still doesn't know what to say.
"I don't feel sad."
"There are four bottles of pills in your cabinet. I know for a fact that one is for anxiety and the other for depression. I don't know what are the other two for-"
"It's not like that," Dave cuts him off. "You can't label yourself according to the pills you take. Clonazepam is for anxiety, but it's also prescribed for children with epilepsy because it reduces seizures. One of the other two you don't know, it's usually for people with bipolar disorders and I'm not bipolar."
Clearly Dave is very familiar with psychiatric medications and that's not comforting in the slightest.
"What's the other one for?"
Dave looks away. "Several things," he mumbles.
"And why does your doctor prescribed it to you?"
"I'm not sad," Dave states, as if he's figuring out his words as they come out of his mouth. "I was diagnosed with clinical depression a few years ago, and I've been on medication and therapy ever since. I never took so many pills as I do now, though."
Dave is not telling him what the other pills are for, but Kurt can deal with that because Dave is telling him stuff that Kurt's concerned about. Very concerned about.
"Why? What's wrong now?"
"Nothing. My shrink in Boston just gave me two pills. When I got the job at American Express seven months ago I had to move here and change doctors. This new one… I hate it. She insists they'll make me feel better, but I feel just the same and I hate having to take so many pills."
Dave used to live in Boston. Kurt makes a mental note about that in order to ask later, but right now he doesn't want to change the subject.
"But you're sad. I mean, you're depressed. Isn't it the same?"
Dave sighs, almost resigned. "When you're 'sad', you're sad for a while; it comes and goes. I don't feel 'sad'. I don't cry myself to sleep or want to kill myself and I function pretty well: I have a job I'm good at, pay my bills, call my parents quite often…" Kurt stares at him quietly and then Dave shrugs. "Clinical depression, it's more like a constant state; you don't even think about it, it's just there. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, but it's always there shadowing you and sucking your energy. And you're just…. Okay with that," he finishes, shrugging like he doesn't care.
"Apathetic?" Kurt tries.
"You could say so."
It's then that Kurt realizes that, in a way, he's in a much better position than Dave, and it's almost shocking.
Kurt's broke, Dave's quite well off but they're both ill. Yet, Kurt is not constantly at the mercy of his asthma, and if he can't breathe, he uses his inhaler. Dave instead lives with depression every single second of every single day. There are no pills that will magically fix it, and the ones he takes already apparently don't do much. Kurt can actually see Dave looking indifferent while he talks about his depression, like it doesn't bother him or like he can't find the strength to be bothered about being depressed and that's just fine.
A part of Kurt is eager to find out what's making Dave feel so bad and fix it. The other part reminds him that it's not his business. He also realizes that he's way out of his depth here, because Kurt's very familiar with being sad but he's never been clinically depressed, even when his life totally fell apart after the coma.
Kurt eats his food, trying to figure out fast how to lead this conversation, because this is serious stuff. He's stepping into sensitive topics and he certainly doesn't want to upset Dave. Dave's vulnerable side is showing a lot, even if the man is still trying to look tough.
"What's under your shirt?" Kurt blurts out with very little tact, unable to stop himself.
Dave moves nervously in his seat and Kurt curses himself because so much for trying to be sensitive. "What?"
It's something that clearly affects Dave's self esteem and Kurt's poking right there.
Kurt wants to know though. "I've just… I don't know," he tries to play casual now, to decrease the seriousness of the question. "I just enjoy sex with you, and I'd like it even better if you were fully naked."
"Believe me, it's better this way."
"Why? What's wrong? Do you have, I don't know, some big scars or something?"
Dave stares at him, frowning and like Kurt's saying the most stupid thing in the world. "Are you serious?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Because it's obvious," Dave grits between his teeth, suddenly looking mad.
"Well, I'm sorry, it's not to me."
"Oh, please, as if you don't see it."
Kurt doesn't get what is supposed to be so obvious or why Dave is getting mad. "See what? I don't see anything because you're always covered."
"That I'm fat, okay!?" Dave exclaims, almost exasperated, and Kurt jumps in his place. This can't be… "Just because I wear tee shirts, it doesn't make me look any skinnier but at least this way I can do us both the favor of not exposing my disgusting whale body."
There's so much venom in Dave's voice that Kurt's feels his heart break into a million pieces. That venom is obviously not directed at Kurt but at Dave himself, and it's devastating to listen Dave talking like that about himself.
That's what the tees were for? The idea never crossed Kurt's mind, because it's ridiculous. Even as Kurt struggles to understand it, he can't, because he stares at Dave, who looks mad with his jaw clenched, and just sees a very attractive guy being mad.
"I don't know if it helps, but I don't think you're fat," Kurt says quietly, and Dave stares at him with an icy grin, obviously not believing a word.
"Funny you're the one saying that," Dave mumbles, but Kurt still hears him.
"What did you just say?"
"Nothing," Dave says and Kurt frowns.
"And by covering yourself with a shirt, you're not doing me any favors, particularly in bed-"
"I don't want you to see all my fat, okay?! Just like I don't want to see it, either. Just because you've probably fucked uglier and fatter guys, it doesn't make me any thinner or better looking. I don't like to see myself, okay? I like it even less if others have to see me, even if you couldn't care less about how ugly your client is, so I'd rather keep my shirt on, thank you."
Kurt is stunned speechless.
First because of that part about having fucked loads of uglier and fatter guys. Sometimes Kurt forgets that Dave thinks he's a prostitute.
Second because he can't believe Dave thinks all that about himself. And the words he chooses make Kurt want to cry. Dave shouldn't hate himself like this; he's completely wrong about his looks. Kurt is more than attracted to Dave and he'd love to see him fully naked.
What's even worse is that if Dave refers himself as fat and ugly out loud, Kurt can only guess at all the other self-destructive things Dave thinks to himself. The depression thing starts making a lot more sense.
"I don't think you're fat," Kurt repeats firmly. "Or ugly."
Dave snorts, standing up. "So you think I'm thin?"
The deal is over; neither of them is paying attention to the food, and Dave starts pacing around his living room like he's trapped inside a cage. Kurt follows Dave with his eyes, anguishing.
"Do you?"
Kurt blinks. "What?"
"You don't think I'm fat, so I must be thin, right? Slender?"
How can he answer that? Dave's not thin, in truth he does have some extra pounds and his stomach is visibly round. But just having a few extra pounds instead of a solid six pack under his shirt doesn't make Dave fat, let alone unattractive. But Dave's bulimic, so Kurt doesn't think Dave will believe him if he says that.
Kurt stares at Dave, who's standing with spread arms like he's showing himself to Kurt, and Kurt trembles because he can't help thinking how gorgeous Dave is. It's not the first time Kurt considers him attractive, but now as Dave points to his supposed flaws, Kurt's forced to stare at him even more, and all he can think is how handsome and hot Dave actually is.
Kurt doesn't know what to do, because that's what he sees and it seems impossible for him to make Dave see that. Kurt's throat narrows at his own desperation; he wants to laugh at the ridiculousness of this matter; in his head, every time that Dave says 'fat' or 'ugly,' or something like that, Kurt thinks 'what the hell is he talking about?' and he also wants to cry at the same time because he can't understand how Dave can't understand how gorgeous he is.
"You... you're just," Kurt doesn't know what to say. Anything he says will upset Dave. "Solid."
"Ha! Just a fancy word for 'fat.'"
"You're not fat!" Kurt states, standing up as well and following Dave to the living room. "Even less ugly!"
"You had boyfriends before all this, right? That guy in McKinley, and you mentioned another when you were sick."
Kurt frowns, not getting why Dave is suddenly asking this. "Yes."
"Have any of your ex-boyfriends weighed anywhere near 200 pounds? Hell, have you ever even idate/i anyone around that weight?"
Kurt goes silent, because no, he never dated anyone with Dave's physique. But that's not for the reason Dave is suggesting. All Kurt's exes where 'his type,' but he never felt like ripping Blaine, Christian or Francis' clothes off like he does with Dave almost all the time. At first Kurt just thought it was because he knows and enjoys what comes after ripping each other clothes; sex has never been so good. But when he's with Dave, Kurt gets easily turned on and it can't be just the knowledge of what comes next because you must feel attracted first to be fully relaxed and comfortable to move forwards.
He can't reveal that to Dave though and Kurt doubts he would be able to explain that to him anyway.
Dave laughs at the lack of answer from Kurt. He keeps pacing around, running his hands over his neck and face like he's suddenly too hot and then he collapses on the couch, holding his face with his hands, breathing hard. Kurt rushes next to him, not knowing what to do; he really distressed Dave; he's hurting and Kurt wants to kill himself because he caused this and has no idea how to fix it.
"Dave, c'mon," Kurt shakes him anxiously, trying to get his attention. "Don't think that-"
"You should go," Dave cuts him off.
"What?"
"Just go. You should rest, and I don't-"
"I'm not going to go," Kurt states firmly. He wants to stay here, with Dave; he can't walk away, leaving Dave upset like this. He'd never do that.
"Kurt, please," Dave says, his voice breaking. "I just can't do this right now. You can't afford not to work, I know, I'll pay you anyway but please, just leave."
Kurt's trembling and doing his best not to cry. A billion thoughts run through his head as he tries to figure out what to do.
"I don't want to go. It's cold outside and dark," Kurt pulls his poor guy card once more. "I live in a sketchy neighborhood, it's dangerous to be out when it's dark."
Dave says nothing for several seconds, his face still buried in his hands, until he suddenly stands up, startling Kurt.
"Then I'll go. You stay here for the night, I'll go somewhere else," Dave says, suddenly getting up and marching towards the coat rack. "Turn the heat up so you can be warm and-"
"What are you talking about? You can't leave!"
"I'll go to some motel somewhere," Dave says, avoiding Kurt's glance.
"You've got to stop this! I don't want you to go, I want you to stay here with me!" Kurt runs up behind Dave, holding him by his hand but Dave spins and pulls away, making Kurt flinch.
"Don't touch me!"
Kurt's just two blinks away from crying.
"God! How can you even touch me?" Dave almost sobs, turning around so as not to face Kurt, resting his forehead against the door. The question sounded like it was directed to himself rather than to Kurt but Kurt keeps thinking fast, frenetically analyzing every single word that Dave's speaking, not wanting to screw this up more than it's been screwed up already.
"You don't want me to touch you?" he asks, doing his best to speak without his voice cracking.
Deep down he's panicking. Did he ruin everything between them? Dave does not want him around anymore? It would make sense, since Kurt started all this mess and Dave wouldn't want someone who hurt him around. Yet Kurt does not want to give up on this, realizing that the last thing he wants is to stop seeing Dave.
"It makes me so sick," Dave breathes out, and Kurt feels like he's been slapped in the face. He was right before - Dave is repulsed by him because he's a hooker and a loser. This whole arrangement was just Dave's form of charity and Kurt is devastated. Dave must have felt this way since day one-
"I'm just so fucking disgusting," Dave's pained voice interrupts Kurt's train of thought.
Kurt blinks, perplexed, as he realizes that Dave is talking about himself, that Dave thinks he's too loathsome to be touched. Once again, Kurt feels like he's been slapped in the face but harder this time.
Never in a million years Kurt was expecting this from Dave Karofsky; not back in high school, not now. Even less now. It's heartbreaking that someone could feel this way about themselves, display this level of self-loathing. Kurt knew Dave had issues, but with him being young, handsome and successful, that this would be Dave deep down is the last thing Kurt expected.
Right now, Dave's self esteem is in pieces, and it was probably this way before Kurt started this game of questions and answers. Still, Kurt triggered this and he struggles to find some way to shut off this devastating track of self-hate that seems to be on repeat inside Dave's head.
"You're not disgusting," Kurt tells him quietly, placing his hands carefully on Dave's shoulders. "And I love touching you."
Dave tenses under his caress. Kurt can still hear him breathing heavily, like he's about to hyperventilate. "You don't have to make me feel better. I know what I am."
Kurt lets out a little laugh, trying to ease the tension. "I'm not trying to make you feel better. I'm telling the truth. Disgusted? Me? Don't you see me every night we spend together moaning and squirming underneath you?"
Dave snorts. "That's just sex."
Suddenly Kurt sees a way out. Maybe. Dave doesn't have to believe what Kurt says. Words aren't working, but Kurt can show him through sex that he means every word. It's also something that Kurt could use to pick up Dave's shattered self-esteem, at least a little.
"There's not such a thing as 'just sex,' David," Kurt states, running his hands down Dave's arms.
"Funny coming from you."
Bingo.
"Exactly," Kurt says, pressing himself against Dave's back. "You think I ever enjoyed sex before, David? I hated it; it always made me feels so uncomfortable… but with you…"
"Kurt," Dave speaks, with a warning tone.
They're far from being in the mood, but if sex can distract Dave from this angst attack, Kurt will go for it, so he presses himself against Dave even more, almost rubbing himself against the other man.
"You're the only one that makes me love sex," Kurt whispers seductively. "You can see it, every night you have me. I can't fake coming, and lord, you make me come over and over."
It's not hard for Kurt to say this; there's no lie in his words, even if the reason he never liked sex much was that his three exes never made Kurt feel the way he feels with Dave when they're in bed, and not because he gets fucked uncountable times per night by random strangers in the booths of The VIP for seventy bucks, as Dave must be thinking right now.
Kurt places a hot, wet kiss on the back of Dave's neck. "Makes me feel kind of bad."
Dave tenses again, and Kurt smirks; this is going to end well.
"What? Why?"
Kurt rests his forehead in Dave's shoulder, smiling. "I feel I should be paying you. Like I owe you," he says, almost amused and a little embarrassed. "I'm the hooker, supposed to please you, but you're the one driving me insane with pleasure every night."
Dave finally turns around. He looks pale, and distressed but there's also a frown in his face.
"Don't say that. You don't owe me anything," Dave states, placing his hands on Kurt's hips. "It's not like you don't please me; I feel the same way about you."
Kurt throws his arms around Dave's neck, feeling Dave's body easing. Kurt relaxes, since the moment of angst seems to be fading as this small sex talk goes on, and Kurt lets himself fall into a lust trance.
"It's not just sex for me anymore, David. It's finally something enjoyable, something great, because you're so good at it," Kurt says, almost purring, reducing the space between them and rubbing his lips against Dave's just slightly. "You're so good with me. Don't you ever think otherwise."
At that moment, Dave crushes his lips against Kurt's in a desperate kiss and Kurt just goes with it.
Around an hour later, Kurt's laying naked in Dave's bed, covered just with a sheet, listening to the water running in the bathroom. Dave's taking a shower and Kurt still can't move, feeling exhausted, giddy and slightly disoriented.
It's no surprise that Dave fucks him so well, but it's like after their talk Dave was ten times more determined than usual to leave him completely wrecked. There's a soft smile on Kurt's face because he's so well laid he can't even believe it, and he's also stunned because God, the last hour had been really incredible.
Kurt can still feel the ghost of Dave's kisses all over his neck and Dave's hands caressing his body. Dave first got Kurt off by practically sucking his brains out though his cock, and he was hardly even finished coming when Dave got him hard again and fucked the hell out of him. Just thinking about it, Kurt would be getting aroused right now if his cock weren't so spent.
He knows he has to get up, though, because his lungs are itchy and he can feel an asthma attack forming very very slowly, so he needs his inhaler.
Kurt takes a deep breath and forces himself to stand. He's sore all over but he can't really complain; he walks around the room, trying to find where his underwear is since they got undressed on their way to the bedroom. The air is cool but not cold, at some point Dave turned the heat on, but being all nude still makes Kurt uncomfortable; he finds in the armchair the same cardigan he borrowed from Dave during his last visit and puts it on.
In the living room he gets his inhaler out of his jacket pocket and takes two puffs.
Then he returns to the bedroom as his breathing starts getting better, picking up clothes from the floor on his way and draping them over the back of Dave's armchair. Then he climbs back in bed.
While he's incredibly content because God, he's so well fucked he feels like laughing, Kurt stares at the bathroom door and worries a little.
Dave always takes uncountable showers and Kurt wonders if Dave also has some obsessive compulsive disorder. Seriously, Dave showers every time after they fuck and okay, you get sweaty and sticky, but if they always fuck more than once a night, is it really necessary to shower every time? Maybe Dave's doing what's usually done; Kurt never had sex with his exes more than once in the same night and he generally took showers afterward, but showering three or four times per night seems ridiculous.
It's not important, though; the thing is that sex is now over. It did distract Dave and when they were done, Dave seemed to be back to his old self. Yet, now he's all alone in the bathroom and Kurt worries what Dave could be thinking about because from the little that he could see, Dave's mind is not a pretty place at all.
The post-coital bliss starts fading and all the previous events start sinking in. Kurt feels the urge to sneak into the bathroom to make sure Dave is alright. He's about to get up and do it when he hears the water go off. Kurt tenses in place, not being sure what's he's about to face. He's clueless about where they go from here; just an hour ago Dave was a mess, and the sex has been great for both of them but what happens now?
Kurt forces himself to stay put, almost bracing for the worst. He's suddenly too nervous, anxious at the prospect of what Dave might do next. Dave surely spent some of this time on his own going through their argument and all the things they said to each other, and Kurt fears the conclusions Dave might have reached.
He stares at the bathroom door intently, waiting for the moment that Dave will come out, and when he does, Kurt holds his breath.
But nothing happens and Kurt doesn't know if that's even worse than if they were yelling at each other again.
Dave looks the same as he does after every shower: wet hair, black tee and boxers. The expression on his face doesn't say anything in particular and Kurt lets him be, waiting to see where things go.
Dave stands at the end of the bed, watching Kurt with a soft smile and it relaxes him.
"Is that my cardigan?"
Kurt looks down at himself, blushing a little. "Sorry. Had to get up to get my inhaler, and I couldn't find my clothes anywhere. I'm not fond of walking around nude. I didn't mean to-"
"Hey, looks better on you than on me," Dave tells him, sitting on the bed and running his hand over Kurt's leg. Kurt smiles back, liking this contact that was not sexual, just tender. "Are you okay? I mean, your inhaler-"
"I'm fine, David. I need it almost every day just to clear my lungs. No biggie."
Dave nods at Kurt's words and Kurt keeps on staring at him. Dave seems to be completely alright, which is completely ridiculous since the man was in pieces just an hour ago. Sex can't just make Dave forget about everything. Kurt's not sure if Dave is in denial or pretending nothing wrong happened, but Dave looks calm now and Kurt decides not to push the subject, since it's clear that no matter how much Kurt wants to fix the situation, he doesn't know how to deal with such an upset Dave.
"You're smiling," Dave points out.
Kurt hasn't realized that; at least the post-sex glow conceals his worry. "Well laid people are happy people."
Dave laughs quietly and Kurt's heart constricts. If only he could make Dave happy… Wait, what? That's not Kurt's problem.
Even if he's not showing it now, Dave is hurting inside and before he can stop himself, Kurt kneels on the bed, hugging Dave from behind, which only makes Dave laugh again. "Seriously, that much?"
"Oh, please. Like you didn't notice," Kurt replies playfully, because if Dave wants to assume this affection is because of the sex, so be it.
"It's still pretty early," Dave says, his gaze fixed on the clock and he's right, it's not even 11:00 PM.
They skipped dinner and the foreplay was nothing but an angst argument. "Want to watch something?" Kurt suggests.
"Sure. Oh, guess what? I got this awesome coffee machine. You'll love it."
Kurt smiles. "Yeah?"
"Come with me, I want to show it to you," Dave says, standing up and extending his hand. Kurt takes hold, getting up as well and they walk towards the kitchen.
The place settings of the failed dinner are still there on the coffee and dining tables. Kurt can feel Dave tensing a little when they pass the dining room, but neither of them says anything. Dave seems to be just fine once they get to the kitchen, and he happily shows Kurt a very fancy coffee machine that Kurt quickly recognizes.
"The George Clooney one?!"
The Prada office had a Nespresso back when Kurt was doing his internship and he was highly addicted to its coffee. God, that time seems like a whole other life.
"You like it?" Dave asks, and the hopeful look on his face makes Kurt suspicious, but he's so happy that he lets it pass.
"Like it? I love it! I swear I had like five or six coffees a day when I worked for Prada. They had one of these, too, though this one looks much newer."
Dave's smiling widely now; it's impossible for Kurt not to notice, since Dave doesn't smile like this almost ever. "It's the last very latest model, or so they said. You want one, or do you want to wait until tomorrow?"
"I'd love to have one now!"
"I didn't know what flavor you like, so I got the Nespresso cube," Dave says, opening the counter just to reveal the huge box, containing all the coffee flavors.
Kurt's mouth waters, but at the same time he's still processing Dave's words. Dave bought the whole freaking cube just to make sure Kurt's preferred coffee flavor was on hand? Dave got this for him… it's a damn expensive machine. Dave can surely afford it, but it still makes Kurt a little uncomfortable. Dave's continuing to pamper him; during his last visit Dave got him a Starbucks coffee for breakfast… Breakfast, hmmm... is this because Kurt stayed until late morning last time?
He doesn't ask because he doesn't want to argue with Dave. Kurt hates all the spoiling and pampering that he gets from Dave because he really dislikes being pitied, but at the same time, Kurt did exploit his sick puppy act earlier so it wouldn't be right for him to get mad at Dave for falling for it.
Yet, Kurt only did that sick puppy routine tonight. Dave has been pampering him for weeks.
But Dave looks so excited and pleased with the fact that he loves the Nespresso surprise, and honestly, if pampering him makes Dave happy, or at least helps him forget about his misery, Kurt might as well put aside his annoyance and let Dave do it. In spite of having everything Kurt could dream off – health, a warm house, a normal job and no debts - Dave is far from being a happy person. Hell, Dave's even clinically depressed. But he's smiling now and Kurt assumes Dave doesn't smile too often, so he says nothing about the pampering. It won't be a sacrifice for Kurt to drink his favorite coffee and give Dave a break from angst for the rest of the night.
Dave takes the box with coffee capsules from the counter and hands it to Kurt, who quickly pulls the Arpeggio out, holding it to his chest.
"My beloved Arpeggio! I thought we'd never meet again," Kurt beams.
He's so happy he could cry. This is a very expensive luxury that was way beyond Kurt's reach, and it's so sad… it's not like he's getting designer clothes again. It's just coffee. But Kurt's not going to think about all the things he no longer has and probably won't have for quite a few more years.
Dave keeps smiling and makes coffee for the both of them. The smell is delicious, and Kurt just wishes he could drink it already, instead of having to wait for it to cool a bit. They return to the bedroom, turning the TV on, and Kurt starts drinking his coffee while Dave picks something to watch.
"Good?"
"Good? I think I'm gonna come again."
He's really in heaven.
Dave puts some random movie on and they both sit in bed, resting their backs against the headboard. Kurt snuggles close to Dave, who wraps an arm around Kurt while with the other holds his coffee.
This is so comfortable and nice. Kurt pays little attention to the movie; he's feeling very content and that's not a usual feeling for him, or at least it hasn't been for a very long time. If Kurt could just reduce the entire universe to this very moment, him naked under Dave's clothes, being hugged by Dave as they both drink some nice coffee in bed while watching TV after having sex… they'd look like a couple. In the universe's eyes, even if it doesn't have eyes, they do look and act like a couple.
It's unsettling.
Kurt rests his head on Dave's shoulder and looks up at him. Just then, Dave looks down and their gazes meet. Dave gives him a small, tender smile that Kurt returns, and then Dave's attention is back to the movie while Kurt's heart clenches.
He shouldn't like this; he can't enjoy this. They're both a mess, a colossal mess, and this is the very proof of that. Earlier they were yelling at each other, Dave was falling apart and now he's all okay. They look like a couple right now, but they are far from being one. Couples don't learn about each other by tricking or blackmailing their partners, and certainly they don't pay each other for sex.
It's easier for Kurt when they argue and even when they yell to each other. Kurt's so used to getting beaten down by life, he can handle that. But the good moments make Kurt stumble, almost shocked at the realization of how it feels to be content or happy from time to time, feelings that were almost forgotten.
Yet he can't help embracing those moments and it's terrifying, because he doesn't know if he'll be able to let them go. And he'll have to let them go, because at the end of the day he's the prostitute Dave pays to have sex with, and Kurt can't really change that now.