Okay guys, bit of a time skip! Or episode skip… I don't know… Enjoy!
So you know that saying, 'too good to be true'? I never actually experienced that until now.
From that day I'd met (or cornered) Calliope in that dirty bar bathroom, it was clear that we were perfect for each other. Not in the way that we were exactly the same person, but that it seemed like that. I felt so happy with her, so whole and content. Christmas had been the best Christmas I'd ever had, spending it with her, and falling asleep in her arms every night was something I could do every single day for the rest of my life. Ever since the night that I'd first said 'I love you' I'd known that she was the person I wanted to spend my whole life with.
Until she mentioned kids.
Ever since I was a little girl, while other kids were pretending to be mommies or stuff like that, I was always fixing my dolls and making them bandages from wet paper towels. Having children was a big sacrifice for every aspect in my life and it never really appealed to me. I never saw myself as a mom, and I'd always thought there was something wrong with me. However as I grew up I realised that there was nothing wrong with me and that some people didn't want kids and that was perfectly normal. It didn't make me cold hearted or uncaring, just normal.
And working in peds had only justified my reasons. Every single day I saw dying and sick children, whose parents were beside themselves with grief or who stayed day in and day out by their kid's side, who never gave up hope even when it was gone. More than a handful of times I'd had to break the news to them that their child didn't make it and the look on their faces and the heartbreak… I couldn't do that. I couldn't live in fear that that might happen to my own child.
I couldn't do this to Callie. She was too maternal not to be a mother and I couldn't be the one to keep her from having a baby. She'd tried to change… Tried to convince herself that she didn't want a baby and that having a baby would be horrible but it was completely unconvincing. And I couldn't change myself. I'd freaking jumped at the chance to go to Fiji, where we couldn't go if we had a baby, and booking flights was what I was doing when she came in and started this conversation again.
She cut me off mid rant about Fiji by holding up her hand, which had numbers written all over it. "What's that?" I asked.
"It's this cute girl's number. And I can't get it off." She sighed, only looking half guilty. I felt my face drop. "I'm not gonna use it. I don't wanna use it. B-but I can't stop wondering if maybe she wants a baby one day." And there it was. No matter how much she tried to convince herself, I could see it coming. She wanted a baby. I sighed and looked down. What was I supposed to do? Lie? I couldn't change who I was. But I didn't want to lose her.
"I love you." She said, looking me in the eye, her voice breaking. I could feel the tears in my own eyes threatening to spill over. "Everything about you… But there's this one thing that I need… And I can't change it and I can't ask you to change- I don't want you to change-"
I cut her off. "I can't be the one who keeps you from having a baby." I said simply, whether to her or myself I wasn't sure. No matter how much I loved her and never wanted to lose her, this one thing was clear. I couldn't be the one to keep her from having a baby. "I love you too…. And we can keep going…" I said, trying to convince myself also.
"But I don't know where we're going."
And that was what did it for me. Calliope was right. Where were we going? Was this it? Were we just going to keep going and ignore this issue until it became relevant and let it destroy us? Would we live always knowing that neither of us agreed? I couldn't do that. Calliope couldn't do that. We couldn't do that.
"Come here." I sighed, setting my laptop aside. Once she sat down beside me I kissed her with everything I had. All of the love. All of the pain. All of the passion. Everything. She kissed me back just as passionately and I could feel the tears on both of our faces.
"What are we gonna do?" She cried once it was over, and voicing what had been going through my head for the last few weeks. During all of this chaos with Mark and Sloan and Sloan's baby and Lexie, during work and surgery, during free time, while I tried to sleep, while I walked down the corridors… What were we gonna do?
As much as I hated it, I knew the answer.
"Well, I'm gonna get my stuff together…" I started, and we pulled each other into a hug. I breathed in for the last time her sweet scent of coconut and coffee beans, memorising the smell and holding her close to me.
"I know, we'll just…" She trailed off, clearly not having an answer either.
"We'll see each other at work." I assured us, thinking of the kids that broke bones and how I would see her then. How was I supposed to do that every day? To see her face, to work with her closely but to never be with her, to know what could've been if I could only change who I was…
"I'm so sorry." She cried. "I love you."
"Me too, me too." I cried back, and I was. I was sorry that I don't want kids and I was sorry I couldn't give her what she wanted.
We stayed in this tight embrace for a long time, neither of us willing to break it. It was only when Cristina came barging in did we break apart, both of us drying our eyes.
"Oh, sorry…" She mumbled, and then got a closer look at our faces. "Oh." She repeated more seriously.
"It's fine, it's fine..." I mumbled, standing up and rushing around to collect all of my things that were at Callie's. Toothbrushes, clothes, shoes, makeup, shampoo and conditioner, phone and phone charger, everything. I couldn't have done this at a different time because if I came back here then I wouldn't be able to leave.
Once I had everything in a box and was ready to leave, I looked around at Calliope, giving her one last look. I memorised what she was wearing, a red top and a black leather jacket and black skinny jeans and converse. I memorised her hair, how it was up tightly and out of her face how she liked it. I liked it down so I could play with it. I gave her one last look and tried to put as many words into it as I could. 'I love you', 'I'm sorry', were only some of them.
The walk back to my apartment was quick. I would have driven but my car was at the hospital where I'd left it when I headed to Callie's after the work. In all fairness, I could've went to get it as the hospital was just across the street, but I really just wanted to get home.
Once I got home I dumped the box on the floor and headed straight to my room, not even bothering to undress before getting into bed. Through the night my pillow was stained with mascara as I cried myself to sleep. I felt horrible.
As I lay in my bed I recounted the events of the last two weeks. We had been so happy… Callie had finally mastered the cartilage thing and people were actually coming to us for relationship advice. That was only two weeks ago. Just two weeks ago everything had been perfect and now… It just didn't feel real.
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Pfft, no, I didn't get emotional re-watching this scene. At all.
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Happy Existing!