A/N: I don't even know where I got the idea from. All I know is that I found it amusing. Pointless, but I digress. I still had fun. XD
Who can tell me what movie the line "God I hate YouTube." is from? :D
Post-IM1, Pre-IM2.
Four Little Monkeys Jumping On the Bed
"Pepper, how knowledgeable are you when it comes to the bedroom?"
Had he not been in another room, Tony Stark's face would have become the losing end in a game of Rock-em-Sock-em Robots.
That said, Pepper could only stare mutely at the intercom system laying across the table at the moment, her boss's immobile face returning her gaze with a haughty look of his own, his last statement splayed beneath it for the world to see and the should of fabric being ruffled somewhere in the background.
"Excuse me?"
"Come here, I need your assistance." He continued, as if her flustered response had had little effect on it—which it obviously didn't, unsurprisingly. His tone ended somewhat playful and mocking; despite how they'd both spent years trying to make sure that those quips and jokes always meant nothing. But damn if Tony didn't have to push that line.
With an exasperated sigh Pepper dropped her paperwork unceremoniously on the couch beside her, stalking up the curling staircase leading to the master bedroom. Running a hand through her hair she made her way over to the sound of his voice with a frown.
What she found made her stop dead, whatever comment she had been about to make lost in her throat.
"What are you doing?" He glanced up for a moment as if to confirm her presence.
"Exactly what it looks like." Tony replied, turning back to the disarray before him. His brow puckered momentarily, his mind undoubtedly running through his options until she spoke again.
"With all of that noise I thought...I don't even want to finish that sentence." She stood there in the doorway shaking her hand, her hand pressed to her mouth while he rummaged through his bed sheets. He let out an indistinct 'huh' from somewhere in the back of his throat, a smile toying at his lips.
"Duly noted. I'll poke fun at you for it later, but at present I need an extra set of hands."
"I—alright, what do you want me to do?" Her hands pressed to her hips she became all business, obviously confused as to why Tony's bed looked like it had been ravaged by a pack of wild dogs to reveal a bare mattress with its owner leaning over it as if studying a new circuit board he'd just put together.
"Mind the bedding. Here, come on over to my side." He said, waving his hand to her. Side-stepping the sheets, comforter, and miscellaneous blankets Pepper came to stand beside her boss who was busying crouching by his bed and wedging his hands between the mattress and box spring. He turned and smirked at her as she leaned down slightly, her hair brushing against his shoulder. "Hi there."
She looked at him blankly for a moment, glancing from his face to his hidden hands and then back to him with an amused grin growing on her own features. "Oh. Hi."
He nodded, cocking his head to the side and gesturing for her to follow suit, leading her to crouch down next to him with an expression that clearly stated 'would you mind explaining this to me now?'
Tony smirked in a fairly devilish way, again motioning for her to wedge her small hands under the mattress just as he had done.
"Now we're going to try to flip it. On three, lift with your legs."
"Wait we're what?" She sputtered, quickly turning her head to face him, getting a serious nod in response. "…Tony?"
"One...two..."
On 'three' Tony shot up, taking Pepper with him as they successfully flipped over his mattress. As luck would have had it however, Tony found himself leaning a bit too far, one of his legs flying out with his foot caught in the sheets he'd warned Pepper about. Falling forward he flailed for a moment, his limbs tugging on the same sheet and as a result tripping Pepper as well and sending them tumbling onto the box spring mattress.
"Ow." She muttered, following their latest fairly embarrassing incident. "Of all the places to land, and I hit a spring. Lovely."
"You have my sympathies." He said, rolling over to face the ceiling, and then turning his face toward hers. "You alright?"
"I'm fine, Mr. Stark." Pepper quipped, putting an extra emphasis on the last bit. "Though I must admit that this is a new method in regards to getting a woman into your bedroom. I'm still working on a response."
Tony let out a low chuckle, pushing himself up with his elbows to sit on the edge of the box spring mattress. "I'll be waiting for it. Alright, time for a new plan. We're going for a ride. Pick a car."
"You're joking." She muttered as she followed suit, also resting on her own forearms. "What for?"
He gave her a blank look, as if he'd already spelled it out for her multiple times and in multiple languages.
"I need a new mattress."
Despite how badly she wanted to question him further, Pepper found herself unable to ask why as a knowing grin stretched itself across his jaw, shooting up and —further minding the sheets this time—made a beeline for the bedroom door and down the stairs. A few moments passed before Pepper let out a sigh and slowly followed suit, if only to make sure he didn't hurt himself in his haste.
Ten minutes later Tony was prying Pepper's fingernails out of the passenger side car seat. (This being the third and final car the man had finally settled on driving in.)
"Who gave you your license?" His PA murmured, scurrying out of the death trap that had the ability to go a bit too fast for her tastes, resorting to slamming her palms upon its roof as a result of there being no other stable surfaces to grasp onto, save for the bench on the other side of the parking lot.
"The state of California's Department of Motor Vehicles." Tony stated matter-of-factly, reaching into his back pocket and extracting his wallet and brandishing a plastic card with a smirking mug on it. Pepper stared at it numbly for a moment.
"Do tell,"
He shrugged off-handedly. "The instructor was cute." Tony winced briefly under her gaze. "Never mind, moving on." He said, begin to saunter off to Matt's 'Mazing Mattress Emporium whistling a tune he'd annoyed a couple dozen senators with on occasion. "Inform me when you find your center of balance, will you?"
Pepper knew better than to let the eccentric fool into a store alone. Their latest venture to Wal-Mart had been a field day for the chain of stores.
"…Well we got a shipment of Tempur-Pedic mattresses this morning, if that's what you're interested in. And in the back we have a whole set-up of some with memory foam with ten-percent off for the day." The salesman was saying as Pepper walked in on the conversation, Tony standing off to the side with an exaggeratedly interested look on his face, nodding along with every other word. A few sentences later it was obvious that the worker was losing his steam judging from the way Tony Stark gave him nothing to really work with.
"I want something that I can sleep on." He interjected, cutting off a statement regarding a sale the store was having in the next week. He snapped his fingers at the younger man. "Like from the commercial with the guy doing yoga. PranaSleep. He looks like Bruce Lee."
"He does not look like Bruce Lee." Pepper added in, randomly rummaging through her purse, most likely searching for her trusty Blackberry to see what Tony Stark was missing now. She glanced up at the salesman, noticing for the first time that his name tag read 'Peter.' "…Does he?"
'Peter' shrugged. "I don't know, I watch YouTube."
"God I hate YouTube." Tony muttered with his hand to his chin, glancing around, ignoring the murmured: "It's your fault you end up on it all the time," From the woman beside him. "Now let's do this."
Pepper would have gladly admitted that the first fifteen minutes, mattress shopping wasn't that bad, save for Tony's off-color side comments and such which only led to slow, unsure nods from Peter along with half-formed replies that Tony failed to pay any attention to.
"This one looks good," The industrialist stated, half flinging himself onto a nearby mattress, folding his arms behind his head on the display pillow after bouncing momentarily. "What say you, Potts?"
"I don't…" She started, glancing down at him from where she stood beside the salesman. "You're the one that has to sleep in it, not me."
"That can be arranged." The narcissist muttered under his breath though making sure the others could hear him. His posture hardly wavered under the heated look he was receiving. Peter took it upon himself to attempt to smooth things over for the time being.
"…Well this is one of those Tempur-Pedic ones I told you about earlier with the memory foam. It contours to your body while you sleep to make the night more relaxing for you and everything…you know, you sleep better with it."
Tony of course, couldn't let the idea of memory foam and contours slide by just like that.
"So you mean my mattress will take on the shape of my ass while I sleep? How exciting."
There was beat, and Pepper hid her snort with a well-placed cough. Peter let out a low chuckle.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Sweet. Pepper, come on, you've gotta try this." Tony waved his hand to beckon her over, only to receive a slow shake oh her head.
"I'm alright. We're good there."
"No seriously, come on. At least sit."
"Tony—"
"Do it or you're fired?" Her pointed look was not lost on him as she walked around the mattress on display to the other side and then perching herself on the edge.
"Fantastic. Can we go now?"
"Oh come on." Her boss practically whined, trying to goad her into actually laying beside him. With a defeated sigh she finally complied, being sure to leave enough room for a body between them as her hair splayed out around her head, some brushing against Tony's bent elbow, causing him to smirk. Peter stared at them with a small grin of his own. Tony Stark a.k.a. Iron Man was out buying a mattress with his PA? Oh ho ho! Tonight was sure to be the Best. Blog. Ever. (M.J. would totally take him back now.)
"Alright, great." After a pause Pepper's head inclined a bit, turning to look over at him. "Please don't tell me I'm going to have to become familiar with this mattress in order to keep my job."
Tony choked on his own spit.
Thumping his chest with his hand he sat up, looking over at Peter. "Great. We'll take that one over there."
Peter and Pepper weren't sure whether to groan or just find some joy in this stretched out venture finally being over.
"Just not the floor model. I'd rather not take it home and sleep with a bunch of body oils and hair follicles and spit from small children." Tony added, getting a grimace from the woman while she quickly shot off the displayed mattress.
"And you made me lay on it?" She sputtered, a shiver going down her spine. Tony bit his lip to keep his smile and laughter restrained.
"And you hardly put up any fight at all. Huh." With that, Tony expertly dogged the purse flying toward his head along with a strain of insults and general comments made under her breath.
Half-an-hour later Tony and Pepper were hauling his mattress up the stairs. Pepper tried not to laugh when he once more tripped over the bed sheets he'd left lying around.
"I meant to do that," He muttered as he stood up again, helping Pepper put his new bed together.
"I'm sure you did." Pepper replied with one more final adjustment and nodding at it. "A fine choice." She glanced out at him, studying his new bed before he turned his attention to her. "Will that be all, Mr. Stark?"
"Hmm…" He hummed quietly for a moment, casting her another sidelong glance from where he stood before looking down again with a lopsided grin that he quickly hid. "Then again…"
"What now, Mr. Stark?"
He gave her a pointed look that she found rather unsettling, her feeling solidified by his next comment.
"It's new though. It needs to be broken in."
And that is how two hours later Rhodey came to find Pepper and Tony jumping on the bed.
"Why did you find it necessary to buy a new mattress?"
"Because it was lumpy. Kind of like Rhodey's ass."
"My ass is not lumpy."
"Whether it is or isn't, this conversation is just a bit too strange for my tastes."
"Oh be quiet and keep jumping."