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A/N: That three month hiatus sucked, didn't it? Yeah, for me too. My life kind of exploded (in a good way, mostly), but I managed to find this little pocket of time to write again. Next week I start college, and I'm trying very hard to get a promotion at work, so my life will continue to explode for a while. I hope that I'll still be able to find time here and there to write, because I love it (and this story) so much.
This chapter has a scene that came out much more heavy than I had anticipated, but that's what happens when you try to force something that's just not working. I've reread it and reread it, and it's exactly right for the characters to react that way, but I'm not sure anymore what the future holds for them. I'd really appreciate your thoughts, comments, personal opinions, etc on this! What do you guys think? Love you all, thank you so much for reading!
Chapter 10 – Kepler Verge
The Normandy's outer airlock hissed and clicked closed behind them as the decontamination cycle began. When the white bar of light slid over them, the jelly-like substance covering their armour began to dry and flake off. The loose fragments, along with any microscopic organisms in the room, were sucked into the air vents that had flash incinerators, then blown back outside. The decon didn't clean the armour entirely, dried patches remained here and there, but it did keep potentially dangerous contaminants from being introduced to the sterile environment of the ship.
Shepard stepped through into the cockpit to be welcomed back by a harried pilot. One look at their condition though, and Joker had second thoughts about his choice of greeting, and only said, "Hey, Commander. Have a good time?"
"Middling to fair," she responded, taking off her helmet. "Turn on the intercom, please." After Joker had complied she announced, "Shepard speaking. Ground team briefing in the comm room in five minutes. That will be all." She nodded at the pilot, who turned it back off. Shepard headed down the walkway to the CIC, steady on her feet, her Commander mask firmly in place. She wanted her crew to see her as strong and capable, especially now after her two weeks in the medbay, and the wringer this mission had obviously put them all through. She nodded at those who met her eyes, not slowing her steps to talk. Kaidan and Wrex silently followed two steps behind, maintaining the indomitable presence she wanted to convey.
After the comm room door slid shut behind them, Shepard discarded the façade and tiredly limped across the floor to slump into her chair, dropping her helmet beside her. Kaidan eased slowly down into the chair on her left, and Wrex sat in his seat farther around the circle. Shepard readjusted into a slightly more respectable position, wincing, before the door slid open to admit Garrus and Liara, who nodded their greetings before taking their seats. A moment later, Tali and Ashley arrived, finishing out the gathering.
Once everyone had sat down, Shepard briefed them on the mission, explaining about the strange behaviour of the colonists, ExoGeni's cutthroat desire to gain knowledge, the Thorian, and the outcome of her interference. After she covered Saren's interest in the planet, she turned to address Liara.
"I have some more information about your mother. There was an asari, Shiala, who was left behind by Saren as payment to the Thorian." At the mention of the asari's name, Liara gasped, but Shepard continued. "She told us how she had worked for your mother, and when Benezia joined with Saren, she and many other followers did as well. She said that Benezia did so to turn Saren to a gentler path, to help guide him to a better way."
"I knew my mother could not have been trying to destroy the galaxy!" Liara affirmed.
"Originally, no," Shepard agreed. "But the ship, Sovereign, as Saren calls it, has some sort of ability to brainwash Saren's followers at his command. Shiala said it happened to her, to everyone aboard, and to your mother. She said that no one is capable of denying its power. So, she is helping Saren bring about the destruction of life as we know it, but not of her own free will."
"Isn't there anything we can do, Shepard?" Liara asked plaintively.
"I don't know, but I'm willing to try. Shiala seemed like she was no longer under Saren's control, so maybe there is hope for your mother. If we can get her away from him, maybe she'll regain her autonomy."
Liara visibly relaxed at Shepard's suggestion. "I hope so. I'm relieved to hear that Shiala is safe. I remember her from when I was a child. She was always kind to me."
As Shepard was preparing to end the meeting, Joker's voice came on over the intercom. "I've sent the Feros report, Shepard. Do you want me to patch you through to the Council?"
"Yes, Joker. You all are dismissed."
"Establishing the link," he responded, as the room emptied of crew members. Shepard rose and walked to the holographic interface.
"Commander. It's been a while. I see your mission is progressing. If ExoGeni had told us about the Thorian, it would have made your job much easier," the asari Councilor greeted her, cutting right to the point.
"You might have been able to capture it for study instead of killing it," the salarian Councilor asserted.
Shepard shook her head. "No, Councilors. Any sentient life form in its reach would have come under its control. Studying it was impossible, as the ExoGeni Corporation discovered."
"Perhaps it's for the best, then. At least the colony was saved," the asari said.
"Of course the colony was saved. Shepard would go to any lengths to save a human colony," the turian Councilor spat scathingly. Shepard could hear his subvocals flanging disdain.
"I would go to any lengths to save any colony, Councilors. As you can tell by my hand-picked crew, I don't play favourites." Shepard placed her hands behind her back so they wouldn't see them clenching into fists.
"Admirable," the salarian Councilor said. "But sometimes Spectres have to make sacrifices. I hope you're willing to do that when the time comes."
Shepard lifted her chin resolutely. "I am well aware of the price of leadership."
"Goodbye, Commander. We look forward to your next report." The asari Councilor reached a hand forward and pushed a button.
The images winked out, and Shepard slumped forward, one hand going to her head, the other to the edge of the counter to support herself. Once the wave of nausea passed, she stood back up, grabbed her helmet, and started down to see Dr. Chakwas.
…...
Kaidan headed down to the cargo bay to clean his armour and weapons, with Wrex and Ashley sharing the elevator. He was exhausted, shaky, and had one serious migraine coming on. Nothing could have surprised him more than when Wrex turned to him and said, "Is Shepard your female?" While he gaped in dumbfounded shock, he heard Ashley snort and choke, trying to keep back her laughter.
"What?" he blurted. It was the only word that managed to work its way through the faltering bit-stream in his brain.
"Shepard. Is she your female?" Wrex reiterated.
"Kaidan, what did you do?" Ashley asked, mirth shining in her eyes.
"Uh..." He frowned in thought, trying to remember what happened planet-side. His cheeks started turning pink. "I stepped in front of Shepard and killed a creature that was running toward her?" The more he thought about the mission, the redder his face got. "I suggested she was being reckless?" His face was bright crimson with his next words. "I pushed her out of the way and punched a creeper in the face." He hung his head in shame. What the hell was I thinking?
Ashley snorted again, and didn't hold back her laughter this time. "Kaidan, you noob. Shepard doesn't need protecting! Star of Terra, remember? N7 training? Top of her class? Spectre?" She looked around the embarrassed man to the krogan. "No, Wrex, Shepard is not his female. Shepard is no one's female. She's different. You should ask, 'Is Kaidan her male?' "
"Human females claim males? Is that why females fight too? It gives the battles a different flavour." Wrex asked as the elevator doors opened onto the cargo bay. Kaidan stepped out first, heading directly to the work table without looking back. His face was still red.
Ashley followed him, sauntering, her hands on her hips. "Yeah, Kaidan, do females claim males in our culture? Has Shepard claimed you?"
"Not that I know of," he mumbled in reply, laying his pistol on the table and beginning to remove his armour.
"But you want her to!" Ashley laughed, elbowing him as she passed, and began to dismantle Kaidan's weapon for cleaning and inspection. "Wrex, think of male and female humans as equal. It'll just be easier and safer that way."
Wrex grunted in reply, and stripped down to his underarmour.
Kaidan silently counted down the seconds before he could escape this torturous questioning and get to the safety of his bunk. He needed some peace and quiet to think of a way to head off any consequences from his poor decisions during the mission.
…...
Shepard plodded down the curving stairs to the second level. As she made her way around the wall, she could see Garrus and Tali attempting to improve their dextro-amino MREs, but the mess was empty other than them. She limped slowly to the medbay, and brushed her hand on its glowing panel.
"Shepard. I thought you might be dropping by." Dr. Chakwas spun her chair around to face the Commander.
"I think I'm alright, generally, but I had an... experience with an asari planet-side, and my head hurts so badly it's making me nauseous." Shepard spoke as she walked past the doctor, placing her grimy helmet on the desk, and sagging to sit on the bed.
"Was it a melding?"
"Yes. She needed to transfer a lot of information quickly, to help me interpret the visions I received from the beacon. She said it would be uncomfortable while my subconscious sorted through it all, but I thought you could give me some painkillers in the meantime."
While Dr. Chakwas thought this over with pursed lips, the door to the storage room hissed open. "I'm sorry to intrude, but I couldn't help but overhear. I am an expert in the Protheans, and perhaps if we joined consciousnesses I could help you understand the visions more quickly," Liara said, shyly stepping through.
Shepard looked from the asari to the doctor, waiting to see what the medical professional would say.
"Perhaps," Dr. Chakwas agreed slowly.
"Alright, Liara. It can't hurt to try." Shepard rose as the archeologist came to stand in front of her.
"Relax, Shepard, and Embrace Eternity!" Liara opened her eyes, and they were solid black.
For the second time that day, she relived the beacon's message and the Cipher. It was hard to concentrate on the disturbing images, even though she could feel Liara guiding her along through them. She just wanted to escape them for a little while, to relax in peaceful, happy thoughts. Like Garrus. She could see his face, his un-visored eye tilted toward her, his mandibles wide in an easy grin. No. The Protheans. Now is the time to focus on the Protheans. Think of Garrus later. She frowned and wrenched her mind back to the vision, where she could feel Liara trying to continue on. Eventually, they broke apart.
Shepard didn't know if she felt any better or not, but maybe having an expert see what she saw could bring the bigger picture into focus. She blinked her eyes, and looked at Liara, who seemed very excited.
"That was incredible! All this time. All my research. Yet I never dreamed... I'm sorry. The images were so vivid. I never imagined the experience would be so... intense. You are remarkably strong-willed, Shepard. What you've been through, what you've seen, would have destroyed a lesser mind."
"Did you see anything?" asked Dr. Chakwas, hovering nearby.
"The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged. Large parts of the vision are missing. The data transferred into Shepard's mind is incomplete," Liara shrugged, explaining.
"Are you sure you didn't come across any kind of clue or hint? Something we might have missed?" Shepard asked.
"Everything I saw you already know. You were right about the Reapers. The Protheans were destroyed by a race of sentient machines. I think it's obvious there's a connection between the Reapers, the Prothean extinction, and the Conduit. But I didn't see anything that would help us find it."
Shepard sighed, rubbing her temples. "So, now what?"
"I was able to interpret the data relayed through your vision. What was there, at least. But something was missing. Saren must have the missing information. Maybe he found another beacon. If we can find the missing data from your vision, I can- oh!" Liara cut off as she wavered, losing her balance. She regained her equilibrium quickly, one hand going to her head. "I'm sorry. The joining is... exhausting the first few times. Or so I've heard. I should go lie down for a little bit."
"Wait, you've never done that before?" Shepard asked, concerned.
"No. While I am fairly young, I also tend to prefer seclusion. But I certainly won't regret that my first time was to help a great cause."
"Dr. Chakwas, could you examine her?"
"That won't be necessary. I just need some rest. Somewhere quiet. Please, excuse me." Liara backed away, waving the doctor off. She retreated to the solitude of her room.
"Did it help your symptoms any?" the doctor asked her, after Liara's door slid shut.
"No, but I don't think it made it any worse."
"I'll give you a dose of the analgesics I give Kaidan when he has one of his migraines. If it's so bad you're nauseous, then I think it's necessary. Take them, and go lie down somewhere dark and quiet. If the nausea subsides and you feel hungry, eat something light, then lie back down until the pain is completely gone. Don't clean your armour, dismantle your guns, or try to do any research. It can all wait. Rest only. Clear?"
"Clear. And thanks."
Shepard took the proffered pills, then headed to her room. She waved vaguely at Garrus and Tali as she passed, but didn't stop. In her cabin, she set the lights to dim and stripped off her armour and underarmour. She turned on her shower for a quick wash, and afterward wrapped one towel around her hair and another around her torso like a strapless dress. The medicine was starting to make her drowsy. She lay down on her bed, intending to put on a tank top and shorts to retire in, but fell asleep before she could find the energy to stand back up.
Riela didn't awake again until her alarm went off at 0600. She slapped at her wrist, then rolled over, confused about her surroundings. The towels had come undone during the night, but the automated thermostat had made sure she was kept comfortably warm. Her head didn't hurt anymore, but her left side was tender and she was covered in scratches, some deeper than others. As she sat up, her stomach rumbled loudly; she was ravenous.
She dressed quickly, brushed the kinks and knots out of her hair, putting it up, then headed to the mess for breakfast, stepping over her filthy armour on the way. The longer she was awake, the better she felt. She couldn't remember the last time she'd gotten such restful sleep. Maybe the joining with Liara had done more good than she had originally thought. She wolfed down two MREs and a cup of coffee before anyone else was up, then headed back to her cabin.
She checked her messages on her private terminal, then set about restoring her weapons and armour to her exacting standards. A while later, her guns lay finished and polished to a dull sheen on the small table, and her armour was broken down into its tiniest components to be detailed before being reassembled. She was sitting on the floor amidst the pieces, humming along with an ancient symphony from Earth that was playing on her onmi-tool, when the door chimed.
"Enter," she said, looking up to see who it was.
"Shepard. Could I have a moment of your time?" Garrus asked, stepping over the threshold.
"Of course. What's up, Vakarian?"
"What's that music?" he asked, distracted from his purpose.
"It's called classical music. It's from Earth. This particular piece is Symphony Number Four in F Minor, Opus Thirty-Six, Part Three, Scherzo: Pizzicato Ostinato by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. It's a little over three hundred years old." She smirked, knowing that most of those words wouldn't translate; a lot of humans didn't know what they meant, either.
Garrus tilted his head, listening intently. "I don't know what it is about it, but it reminds me of pyjacks."
Shepard laughed. "That would be the pizzicato. It is like pyjacks. That's why I like this kind of music so much. It creates such vivid imagery in my mind. There's a set of four violin concertos- violin is a type of instrument- that I was obsessed with as a child. The composer, Vivaldi, made each one about a different season on Earth. But since I was born in space, I didn't know anything about the seasons. I loved looking at pictures on the extranet while I listened to them over and over again. I think my parents got sick of it, but they never said anything." Her eyes looked far away as she remembered. She laughed again, and shook her head, coming back to the present. "Is that what you wanted to know? You could hear my music out there and your curiosity got the better of you?"
"While I could hear your music outside your door, no. That's not why I'm here." Garrus crouched down across from her on the other side of the sea of armour fragments. He picked up a spare rag and began polishing them, focusing on the mundane task to let his mind relax before talking.
Shepard continued cleaning the parts near her, the music playing quietly to fill the silence between them. As Garrus' hesitancy continued, Shepard became more and more aware that they were alone in her cabin together, that she could practically reach out her hand and touch his knee. Her heart began to quicken its pace, despite her best efforts to keep it slow and even. She refocused her efforts on the work in her hands, her head bent studiously. I am freaking ridiculous, she thought.
"A while back, when I was working for C-Sec," Garrus started, still cleaning the armour, "there was this salarian geneticist I was sent to investigate. The case was a bit... disturbing."
"What happened? Why were you investigating him?" Shepard asked, curiosity overcoming her distraction.
"Back then, my task was tracking black market trade on the Citadel. Most of it harmless, nothing I needed to pursue. But during the course of my investigation, I noticed an increase in the trade of body parts. Organs, mostly. We usually got a few of those, but not the numbers I was seeing. We weren't sure if there was a new black market lab or if some freak was harvesting organs from citizens."
"You've seen that before on the Citadel?" Shepard asked incredulously.
Garrus looked up from the part in his hand to nod at her. "Every so often, some lab sells unwanted parts through the black market. But they're not as bad as the psychos. There was this elcor diplomat one time..." He shook his head, then continued. "But this case wasn't that clear cut. Turns out there was more going on than we first realized."
"So how did you figure out what was happening?" She sat the finished piece aside, and picked up another one.
"First, we got a hold of a sample and ran DNA tests. The weird thing was, the match led us to a turian who was still alive and was very convinced he'd never lost his liver. After a bit of digging, I discovered this turian worked briefly for Dr. Saleon, the geneticist. So I went to his lab, hoping to find evidence of cloned organ development. But there was nothing. No salarian hearts, no turian livers, not one krogan testicle."
"Why would anyone want krogan testicles?" Shepard snorted.
"Some krogan believe that testicle transplants can increase their virility, counteract the effects of the genophage. It doesn't work, but that doesn't stop them from buying. They'll pay up to ten thousand credits each. That's forty thousand for a full set. Somebody's making a killing out there." His mandibles widened briefly in a grin before pulling tight to his face again.
"But what did you do about the geneticist?"
"I brought in some of his employees for interrogation. To see if I could get them to talk. While I was 'interviewing' one of them, I came across something suspicious."
"You threatened them? Was that really necessary?"
"Maybe, maybe not. Either way, it paid off. One of my detainees started bleeding profusely during the interview. We offered to patch him up and he got frantic. Freaked out. I ordered a full exam, to find out what was going on. Our medics found incisions all over his body. Some of them fresh. That was our big break. These people weren't just Dr. Saleon's employees. They were test tubes. Walking, living test tubes."
"He was growing parts inside these people?" Shepard jerked her head up in shock, her eyes wide, and stopped picking dried slime remnants out of a seam, her stomach roiling at the implications.
"Exactly. He cloned their organs right inside their own bodies. Then he harvested them and sold them off. Most of the victims were poor. He'd pay them each a small percentage of the sales, but only if the organs were good. Sometimes an organ wouldn't grow properly, so he'd just leave it in them. Most of them were a mess, but only on the inside – hidden so nobody could see it." Garrus had never seen that look on Shepard's face before. Her nostrils were flared, lips pressing together, and her mouth corners pulled down and away with the middle part pulled up, causing deep creases to run from the sides of her nose almost to her chin. So flexible, he thought. So strange.
"I hope he got what he deserved," she said finally.
He shook his head. "That's the worst part. We never caught him."
"Why not? What the hell happened?" Shepard demanded angrily.
"He ran. Blew his lab, grabbed some of his employees, and headed for the nearest space dock. By the time I found out, his ship was already leaving. He threatened to kill his hostages if we tried to stop him."
"But you went after him anyway, right?" Her eyes were snapping in fury, echoing his own emotions.
"I ordered Citadel defense to shoot him down, but C-Sec headquarters countermanded my order. They were worried about the hostages. Worried about civilian casualties if the ship was destroyed so close to the Citadel. I told them those hostages were dead anyway. He'd just use them to make more organs. But they wouldn't listen."
Shepard sat back with a sigh, nodding. "It wasn't worth the risk to the civilians. In that kind of situation, the best choice is to pursue the vessel and disable it."
"They sent the military after him, but he got away just the same. I went to Pallin and told him what I thought of him and his policies. He said if I didn't like it, I could quit. I almost did. All they had to do was disable that ship. Stop him from running. Maybe the hostages would have died, maybe not. But at least we would have stopped the bastard responsible for it all."
"If you don't care about the fate of those hostages, then you're no better than he is. You're just a terrorist with a badge."
At the moment, her anger was directed at him. With all he'd learned from her, her frustration at him was understandable, now that he stopped to think about it. "Yeah, maybe you're right," he sighed, agreeing. "It doesn't make it any easier, but I see your point. I just wish I could have stopped him, that's all."
"Do you have any idea what happened to Dr. Saleon?" she asked more calmly.
"He changed ships and changed his name to Dr. Heart – his idea of a joke, I guess. I told the military, but they weren't convinced it was him. I have the transponder frequency for his new ship, and I sent it to a few reliable friends. Yesterday, I got a message back that they'd found him. He's in the Kepler Verge, in the Herschel system. His ship's called the MSV Fedele."
Garrus watched curiously as Shepard quickly rose to her feet and stepped over to the intercom on her desk. "Joker," she said into it, her voice harsh, but businesslike.
"Good morning to you too, Shepard. Sleep well, I take it?" the pilot answered, the typical insubordinate swagger strong in his voice.
"The best in a long time. Isn't the Kepler Verge just one jump away?"
"Well, you're welcome to continue dreaming of me anytime. And yes. Do you want to go there?"
"Immediately. Herschel system. And I want the stealth drives pushed to the max."
"You got it. ETA ten hours, 1800 tonight. Joker out." The intercom clicked off.
Shepard turned toward Garrus, leaning back on the desk, her hands supporting her, one ankle crossed over the other. "There you go. Eleven hours from now, you'll have your justice."
Garrus stood up from his crouched position – Shepard watching him finally understood what his spurs were for – and picked his way through the scattered armour to stand in front of her. She angled her head up to meet his eyes, her heart beginning to pound in earnest. "Shepard, I don't know how to thank you. Again, you surprised me. I thought I was going to have to beg or plead to get you to let me take him down." He shook his head, his subvocals flanging somewhere in the happy range, but with a strange hiccup at regular intervals that Shepard didn't understand.
She swallowed, trying to moisten her suddenly dry mouth. "No problem, Vakarian. That sick salarian needs to be stopped." Is it suddenly hotter in here? Is it his body heat? Why does he have to stand so close? Why can't he stand closer? Control yourself, Commander. It's not going to happen. Lock it down. She cleared her throat nervously. "Was there anything else you needed?" she asked, breaking eye contact to look at the mess of half-cleaned armour.
Garrus paused for a beat before answering, "No. I'll let you get back to your work, Shepard. See you on the MSV Fedele." He backed up a pace before turning to leave.
"Yeah, because you know you're going to need my sniper taking all the kills you miss, Vakarian," she snarked, their old bantering ways returning suddenly with a vengeance.
He stopped to look over his shoulder at her with his un-visored eye. "I'm just bringing you along to teach you some new tricks. I think you could use some brushing up. I heard you were kind of rusty yesterday. Two weeks in the medbay made you sloppy. Slow on the draw, needed protecting. Tsk, tsk, Shepard," he drawled, his mandibles wide and his eye sparkling viciously.
Kaidan, she thought angrily. "Yeah, we'll see." She kept her tone light. "1800, Vakarian. Don't be late."
"You can always count on me," he said over his shoulder, heading out through the door.
After he left, Shepard turned off her music and paced the small section of uncluttered floor of her cabin, trying to figure out how to handle the newest situation with Kaidan. Nothing she came up with seemed like it would fix the problem, because she wasn't precisely sure what the problem was, although she had a pretty good idea. She'd been hoping to just ignore the situation and let it pass, but if rumors were spreading around the ship, something had to be done. She sighed heavily, and headed out to find the Lieutenant. She found him right around the corner, at his usual station, working away on his terminal.
He looked up as she stepped into his peripheral vision. "Commander. Is there something you needed?"
"I'd like to speak with you privately, if you don't mind. Please follow me." She turned, and led the way back to her room.
"Uh, aye aye, Shepard," he said nervously. Here it was. The moment he'd been dreading since they'd gotten back yesterday. He was momentarily distracted when he walked into her cabin, having never been inside it before. But Garrus has, he thought bitterly. I wonder if he ever got a dressing down. A quick look around showed a mostly neat and orderly space – the bed made to military standards, the data pads on the desk arranged neatly – except for the armour all over the floor. It was in a logical spread, however, half of it clean, half still waiting to be cleaned. Just what you'd expect from anexemplarycommander like Shepard. The door slid shut with a hiss-click, adding to Kaidan's trepidation.
She turned around and faced him, her arms folded across her chest, her eyes almost imperceptibly narrowed. She let the silence build for so long, Kaidan almost began to fidget. "Would you care to explain exactly what was going on with you yesterday?" Cold. Her voice was cold, and it cut him to the bone.
"I let my emotions get the better of me, Commander. I'm sorry, and I won't let it happen again." He tried to let his sincerity show in his eyes.
"You say that, Kaidan, but this isn't the first time your emotions have compromised your better judgment, or the first time we've talked about it. I'll say it again: sometimes I'll need your protection. Your problem seems to be knowing when those times are. Your actions yesterday were unnecessary, and now they are undermining my authority on this vessel. They are going to start causing disrespect among those I depend on, and fracturing the bond of loyalty I am trying to instil. If people think I need someone with me to keep me safe, they won't believe that I can keep them safe. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Commander." He stood stock still, at parade rest with his chin high and shoulders back. He would take responsibility for his actions.
Shepard sighed, rubbing her forehead with her left hand while her right was on her hip. "Kaidan, I just don't know what to do. You're a good man. The more I spend time getting to know you, the more I like you. But I can't have a knight in shining armour trying to scoop me up onto his horse and put me in a tower 'for my own protection'. It's not going to work. Not with me, not in this line of business." She dropped her hand from her face, and met his despairing eyes with her distressed ones. "Is it just me, or are you this way with any female in the field?"
"Just you," Kaidan said quietly, almost in a whisper.
"Why?" she cried in frustration.
Because I love you! he wailed in his mind. He opened his mouth to admit it, finally, to be free of this terrible burden in his chest, but he couldn't. He couldn't weigh Shepard down with that. Besides, if he did say it, wouldn't he just be separated from her? Forced to take an assignment on a different ship on the other side of the galaxy? Or downside, helping out some dirtball colony? His lonely dismal future stretched out before him, and he shut his mouth. He dropped his gaze to the floor in front of him, and blinked the tears from his eyes before finally answering, "I don't know, Shepard."
Her calm had returned while he'd internally stormed. "Well you need to figure it out, and fast. I need my team whole and hale, Kaidan. Dismissed."
He nodded once, and sharply turned and left. Back at his console, he leaned forward, his hands on either side of the terminal, supporting his sagging weight. He realized that he'd unintentionally made a very important, life-altering choice in there; it was more important to be near Shepard and not with her, than it was to be with her but separated. I'm not going to tell her how I feel, until I know for a fact that she feels the same way, he thought. I can't risk being apart from her. We can make it work, even with the regulations. I know we can, if we try. Love conquers all, right?
…...
Riela finished cleaning her armour in a much different mood than she had started with that morning. Stupid Kaidan and his stupid face! She shook her head furiously. This is exactly why the regulations are in place. Human emotions are uncontrollable, unquantifiable. They make people do thoughtless things, senseless things. They make people want things they can't have. Like Garrus? she asked herself pointedly. She sighed, releasing her anger and tension. People can't help how they feel, can they, Riela? All they can do is control it the best they can, and hope.
After her armour was again pristine and put away neatly, she did her rounds on the ship. It was not yet lunch time, and the mid-morning yawns were contagious on the CIC. When she made it down to the cargo bay, avoiding Garrus and Kaidan on the second level, Wrex was krogan-napping against the wall, which meant only one eye was closed, and his breathing was slower. She nodded at him as she walked past, heading to talk to Ashley. It looked like the Gunnery Chief was catching up on her correspondence from home, a vidfile of one of her sisters playing on the terminal. As she stepped up behind her, she could hear the recording say, "We saw Kaidan on a news report about the Normandy. He's cuuute!"
Ashley noticed she was there, and quickly shut the vid off, turning to face her. "Hey, Shepard," she said, trying to pretend she hadn't been doing anything except modding weapons.
"Kaidan, huh? Do you have feelings for the Lieutenant?" Shepard asked, trying to keep her tone light, but her body language was stiff with her arms across her chest.
"Fraternization is strictly against regulations, ma'am. Besides, I think he's sweet on someone else." Ashley's eyes flicked briefly to Wrex's position before returning back to her commander's face.
Shepard clenched her jaws and fists briefly before changing the subject. "A message from home? It looked like a sister," she said, nodding her head at the console.
"Yeah, I have three of them. I'm the oldest, then Abby, then Lynn. Sarah's the youngest, she's still in high school. With four girls and a wife, Dad used to say he felt more outnumbered at home than on maneuvers." Ashley's mouth corner went up for a moment, then back down.
"Where was home?" Shepard asked, relaxing with the easy conversation.
"All over. Same as you, I expect. We went wherever Personnel Command sent us. I guess that's why I'm so tight with my sisters, since we had to leave all our friends behind every two or three years."
"I'm an only child, and a spacer, but I get the idea. We transferred ships about as often. At least one of my parents were always on duty. My mom went into command, my dad is a biochemical engineer, so they were always able to transfer together."
"Military families, eh? It's a wonder we still manage to have kids."
"Yeah," Shepard agreed. "So, which sister was that?"
"Sarah. We didn't use to get along so well, but then we... bonded."
"Oh? That sounds like a story. Care to tell?"
"Sarah got a boyfriend, Mike, who wanted to go faster than she did. I didn't think he was a bad kid, just pushy. Lynn would send me these worried vidmails, and I'd tell her to relax," Ashley began recounting.
"Where were you?"
"I was on active duty, assigned to Czarnabóg at the time. They were on Amaterasu. Same cluster, but a dozen LY away. Sarah's graduating high school this year, so this was only a couple years back. We were close enough to talk regularly, but too far for me to make it back in an emergency. I couldn't afford a fast-packet flight."
"It sounds like the situation didn't last."
Ashley shook her head. "Mike thought they'd go for a romantic walk in the woods. 'Cause he figured it was past time they did the deed. She levered Mike face-first into a tree and left. Didn't have a scratch on her. Good thing Mom and Dad had us all learn some kind of self-defense. I took emergency leave and walked Sar to school for a few days."
"Why didn't anyone tell the police?" Shepard asked curiously.
"She said it wouldn't solve the real problem. And she and Mike would both become household names. It was a small colony. I said it was her call to make. That we should let her do it her way. Mom was pretty pissed about that."
"You said all of your sisters learned self-defense?"
"Lynn did pistol practice, but didn't like it. She's kind of nervous. Sar took to aikido. Abby decided to learn the sword. She always was a little weird. Likes big skirts and tops you have to tie her into. They do great things to her figure, though..."
"So what did you learn?"
"One of Dad's friends taught me marine hand-to-hand." Ashley grinned, and Shepard grinned back. She'd always loved hand-to-hand.
"So, did anything happen while you were there?"
"My last day out, Mike was waiting for us. Sar had told her friends, so everyone at school knew what he did. He wasn't happy. I wanted to snap him in half. But Sar gave me this look. This 'Let me handle it, I need to do this alone' look. She kept her cool, God bless her, as he screamed in her face. She just let him vent. Then he tried to punch her. I swear, she just flowed around him. Next thing I knew, he's face-down on the sidewalk and there's blood everywhere."
"He missed?"
"When he swung, she just – she wasn't there anymore, and he fell. She helped him stop the bleeding, and had me call an ambulance. She told the paramedics he fell. Before they took him to the hospital, Mike touched Sar's arm. I thought he was going to end up on the ground again. But he hung his head, whispered, 'I'm sorry,' and started crying. And she hugged him. The Williams women are a decisive bunch, Shepard. We do things when we're ready. Not before, not after."
"And your father was stationed on a ship at the time?"
"Yeah. He always said space was beautiful, but no place to raise a family. He wanted us to grow up with ground under our feet.
'I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone...'
'For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments...'" Ashley spoke, with a far-off look in her eyes.
"I never thought I'd hear you reciting Tennyson.
'I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and forever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!'
I've always loved that poem."
"Just because I can drill someone between the eyes at a hundred metres doesn't mean I can't like sensitive stuff," Ashley said, only half-defensively.
"Hey, you don't have to tell me. I know all about that. It's hard being accepted as a real person in a soldier's world," Shepard said with an easy smile.
Ashley nodded in agreement. "'Ulysses' was Dad's favourite poem. Every time he shipped out, he recorded me reading it. He had a dozen versions when he retired. Now I read it to his grave every time I go home. He passed on a few years back. He's probably still watching, though."
"You mean from wherever we go after death."
"Yep. He's with God now. That's not a problem with you, is it? That I believe in God?"
"Not at all. I certainly hope there's something after this."
"I've met a few people who were really weirded out by my faith. Because I work in space, I can't believe in a higher power? Geez. Hello? Have you people looked out the window? How can you look at this galaxy and not believe in something?"
Shepard nodded. "It seems too big to have just been random chance to me."
Ashley suddenly felt self-conscious. "I should get back to work, ma'am. Sorry for taking up so much of your time."
"You weren't all that busy, were you? I mean, you were watching mail from home, after all."
"Why, was there something you needed?"
Shepard's eyes sparkled in anticipation, a knowing smile on her lips. "What was that you said about marine hand-to-hand? Had any chance to keep it up lately?"
"What are you suggesting, you wanna go?"
"Yeah, a little friendly sparring to get the blood flowing. I'm trying to recover from my medbay stay, and you've been trapped on here training Liara. You've got to be a little stir-crazy."
"Well, I wasn't going to complain or anything, but a little physical action could be nice. Yeah, let's do it," Ashley agreed, a renewed fire racing through her veins. "Mats, or no mats?" she asked.
"Mats. There's a mission tonight, and I don't want either one of us unable to go."
"On it."
Ashley began unrolling the mats in the middle of the cargo bay floor while Shepard stripped down to just her tank and shorts and began to stretch. Ashley stripped down and stretched too, jumping and swinging her arms back and forth to get her blood flowing. Wrex was no longer half sleeping, now quite alert to watch these fleshy humans go at each other in combat. The energy in the bay made him smash his fists together in anticipation, and the two women whipped their heads around at the sound.
"Looks like we've got an audience," Shepard said, smirking.
"Let 'em watch. Maybe he'll learn something about human females," Ashley said, directing her comment at the krogan with a grin. Wrex growled excitedly, but didn't say anything else. "You ready?" she asked the Commander.
"Ready."
They began slowly circling, their arms up and protecting their faces and torsos, feinting, testing, watching for an opening. Ashley was never one for patience, and stepped in swinging to punch Shepard in the face with a right hook. But she was fast, faster than Ashley had expected and caught her fist with her hand, twisting her arm with the elbow straight, her other hand on her shoulder, forcing her to bend over so Shepard could knee her in the stomach, lifting Ashley off her feet. Shepard released her arm, letting Ashley fall flat on her face while she danced back, light on her toes.
As Ashley was picking herself back up, the starboard door to engineering opened, and Tali with a group of the engineers came through, on their way to lunch.
"Keelah!" the quarian said, her hands going to the mouthpiece on her helmet. "What are you two doing!?"
"Practicing," Shepard said, at the same time Ashley said, "Playing." They grinned at each other, not letting their guard drop from the distraction.
Tali waved the rest on, and skirted around the matting to stand next to Wrex and watch. "How's it going?" she asked the krogan quietly.
"Good. I thought they'd be too soft. They were reciting poetry a minute ago. But the fight is good." He tore his eyes away from the again circling pair to look down at Tali. "So tell me, who would win in a fight between you and Shepard?"
"Do krogan size up everyone for a fight, even friends and allies?" she asked, crossing her arms in the human way.
Hanging around the engineers too long, he thought. "Yes," he answered, turning his attention back to the fight.
"Hmmh," Tali said, joining him in his spectating.
Ashley stepped in again with a jab at Shepard's throat, distracting her momentarily to get in a solid kick at her side. But while Ashley was still off balance with her left leg in the air, Shepard caught her other leg with her foot from behind and tripped her. Ashley rolled over backwards quickly, removing herself from Shepard's reach, and regaining her feet. But Shepard was right on top of her, her fists flying one-two-three into Ashley's stomach, before dodging back out again.
The elevator door laboriously opened behind Shepard, who turned her head minutely to see a large but indistinguishable group of people pile out. With the distraction, Ashley had the advantage and rushed her, grabbing her around the midsection to slam her to the ground. Stupid, Shepard. Really stupid, she said to herself, working her arms underneath Ashley's to break her hold and getting a foot in place to flip her over her head. Ashley knew it was coming though, and did some fancy footwork to get her hips over to the side of Shepard, where she sat down and quickly put her in an armbar, her legs locked around Shepard's upper arm and lying across her chest while she held onto her wrist.
Shepard lifted her hips slightly, her feet flat on the ground and pushed her bottom half to swing around to the side with her free arm, twisting simultaneously to end on her knees, breaking Ashley's hold. With Ashley's leg resting on her shoulder, she was in the perfect position to grab her thigh and whip around to lock her neck into the crook of one elbow, Ashley's knee in her other, vaguely reminiscent of cradling a baby while her chest pressed down on Ashley's side. She held her pinned for a moment, then let go and stood up quickly, backing away while brushing the loose hairs away from her face. Both she and Ashley were breathing more heavily, sweat starting to glisten their brows.
"We should do this more often," Shepard said with a grin.
"Let me know if you feel the same when we're done," Ashley replied with a mirrored grin.
"Just give us a heads-up next time so we don't miss the beginning, eh?" Engineer Adams called from behind Shepard, standing somewhere near Wrex and Tali. That wall had apparently become the peanut gallery, but Shepard didn't take her eyes off her opponent, no matter how curious she was to know who all were watching.
"Who's winning?" someone shouted.
"I hadn't even thought about winning," Shepard said to Ashley.
"I had," she answered, a competitive glint in her eye. She shuffled forward, her legs bent, body weight low, and feigned a kick at Shepard's left side, but instead dropped down to swipe her leg at Shepard's ankles to knock her down. Shepard leaped gracefully over the swinging leg and kicked Ashley in the chin while still in the air, snapping the Chief's head back. While she was momentarily disoriented, Shepard tackled her full out, landing on top of her, both ending up stomach down, her legs in between Ashley's, spreading them wide. She had Ashley's left hand pinned behind her back, and worked her arm under Ashley's right arm and then pinned her neck to the mat with her right hand, thus rendering Ashley's right arm useless as well. She let go of her left arm, reached over the shoulder and across the front of Ashley's neck, moving her right hand from the back of the neck to grab her own upper arm, putting her in a very firm choke hold.
Ashley struggled for a moment, her hands and feet scrabbling to find purchase, but then said, "I give." Shepard released her and rose to the sound of clapping. She offered Ashley a hand up, who gratefully took it.
"Good fight," Shepard said. "Not too rough, so we can still kick ass later." She smiled as Ashley, putting an arm around the woman's shoulders and walking them both over to the crowd.
All of the ground team members were there, as well as all the engineers and even a few of the CIC crew. Congratulations went around, and Ashley was a good loser, cheerfully challenging those who were talking smack about her, which they – for some reason – declined. Shepard avoided all but the most cursory interactions with Kaidan, but the slight wasn't noticeable in the large jabbering crowd.
…...
A few minutes before 1800, Vakarian, Shepard, and Williams were in the cockpit, fully suited, waiting for the Normandy to finish docking with the MSV Fedele. Hopefully, Dr. Saleon hadn't looked out any of his ship's windows any time in the past few hours and this would still be a surprise.
Shepard checked over the duo standing in front of her one last time. Williams was solid, waiting patiently for the mission to get underway. Vakarian though... usually he was the calmest member, all that early military and C-Sec training taking over, but now he was antsy. He kept shifting his weight from side to side, his arms behind his back, then in front, fingers twitching or clenched tight alternatively. She was sure if she could see his face, his mandibles would be pulled tight to his jaw.
She shook her head, wistfully. She wanted him to handle this professionally, to keep his emotions in check, but she was afraid it wasn't going to happen. She had promised him justice, not vengeance or retribution, but that had probably escaped his mind. To him, this was a wish come true. He wanted to be able to dispense his own judgment onto criminals without dealing with regulations, but this wasn't going to be that opportunity. Not with me, Garrus. I can't let you become that which you are trying to destroy. I wish you had listened to all of my advice. Shepard sighed.
The ship shuddered slightly, and the clanking of outer mechanisms clamping onto the docking port of the MSV Fedele could be heard echoing through the hull.
"Locks engaged," Joker said. "Good luck."
"Thanks. Move out," Shepard responded, and Vakarian led the way, followed by Williams, Shepard bringing up the rear.
On the Kowloon class vessel, Shepard armed herself with her sniper rifle, Williams and Vakarian with their assault rifles. The cargo hold was empty, so Shepard walked across to the only door, standing with her back to the wall while she swiped her hand across the access panel. The other side was a hallway full of inaccessible doors, except for the one at the end towards the bow of the ship. Again, she stood to the side as she touched the panel. When the door opened, she could hear shuffling feet and the occasional moan emanating from the large space stacked full of crates.
She motioned for silence and took point, creeping through the door and around a group of boxes. She could see shambling forms wandering around aimlessly, their gross motor skills not nearly as smooth as they should have been. A close up glance through her scope revealed them to be human, practically naked, covered in large open sores or long gashes that looked horribly discolored. Parts of their torsos wire disfigured, obvious aberrations bulging against the mottled skin.
Shepard's dinner curdled in her stomach at the sight of them. As much as she came aboard to save these people, they were unfortunately beyond saving. Their brains weren't even whole anymore, obvious from the way they bumped into each other and inanimate objects. No speech, no light of sentience in their eyes, nothing human remained.
Sadly, she took aim through her scope, and fired. Her target went down without more than a gurgle, but the others were alerted by the sound of a gunshot. They came running at her position, arms outstretched in front of them, just like husks or creepers would have. She took down two more before they reached her location, and she retreated behind her teammates, reloading.
More came swarming from the other side of the crates, surrounding them. Shepard retreated further, back through the doorway to make a choking point. "With me!" she said over her comm, switching from her rifle to her heavy pistol; they were too close for scope use. She took out three more who were clawing at Vakarian and Williams as they tried to join her, careful where she placed her shots. The trio formed a solid wall of firepower, taking out mutilated human after mutilated human as they tried to run through the door. Shepard of course, with Vakarian here, kept track of her kills.
When the waves stopped coming and the ship was again eerily silent save for the occasional bulkhead groan, she reentered the room to check the bodies and the crates. Nothing moved, and nothing dangerous registered on her HUD except for a few containment canisters, which she avoided. "Clear," she said through the comm.
"I had eight kills, Shepard," Vakarian said, walking up to her.
"That's not too shabby. I had ten," she replied smugly.
"Were we supposed to keep count? I think I had around eight or nine," Williams contributed.
Shepard snickered. "Third place, Vakarian? Who's the rusty one now?"
"Williams doesn't have an accurate count. I could just as easily be in second," he retorted.
"Alright, point taken. But still not first. Let's keep going." Shepard said, checking her pistol before walking to the next door.
This one led to a small hallway with three doors, one port side, one starboard, one directly ahead. Shepard was familiar with this kind of ship design, and chose to check the cockpit first. It was empty, all systems but life support shut down, the memory banks wiped clean by someone who knew what they were doing. She motioned her team back out, and then checked the two other doors. One was locked down, overriding out of the question, but the other was lit green.
Shepard took a deep breath, and opened the door. A salarian in a dirty lab coat stood there, obviously waiting for them.
"Thank you! Thank you for saving me from those... things!" he said, on the edge of being frantic.
Those things you created? Those things you caused? Shepard thought angrily.
"Shepard, that's him. That's Dr. Saleon," Vakarian said, his subharmonics thrumming very low and fast, denoting rage.
"What!? My name is Heart! Dr. Heart! Please, get me out of here!" the salarian cried wildly.
"Are you sure that's him?" Shepard asked, although she already knew the answer from the evidence.
"Positive. I'd harvest your organs first, Doctor, but we don't have time," Vakarian growled. Shepard had never heard that particular tone of voice from him before.
"That's crazy! He's crazy! Please, don't let him do this to me," Dr. Saleon begged.
"We'll take him in, drop him off with the military," Shepard said.
"But we have him! We can't let him get away! Not again!" Vakarian protested.
"If we kill him, we'll never know what he's been up to, or how he did it. We'll take him in, interrogate him, and he'll serve his time," Shepard said calmly. Don't do anything stupid, Garrus, she prayed silently, tense with worry. Please don't make me treat you like I did back in Dr. Michel's office.
"I've-" Vakarian started, but stopped himself, taking a deep breath. "Okay. You're right," he conceded. Shepard's smile would have been blinding, if not for her helmet blocking it from view. For her, this had been the real mission, and now she could mark it as a successful one. She was so relieved, she almost missed his words to the doctor. "You're a very lucky salarian. You owe the commander your life," he rumbled quietly.
"Oh, thank you so very much!" he replied sarcastically, then pulled his pistol out from behind his back. Shepard immediately fired a round directly between his eyes, dropping him in a split second.
"So he dies anyway. What was the point of that?" Vakarian asked indignantly.
Shepard holstered her gun, sighing, and turned to face him. "You can't predict how people will act, but you can control how you respond. In the end, that's what really matters."
He mulled that over for a moment while holstering his own before answering. "Y-yeah. I've never met anyone like you, Shepard."
"You've said that before," she said, her pose slipping into its easy cock-hipped stance she took when bantering with him.
"And I'll probably say it again. Someday. If you're really lucky," he drawled.
"Well, I guess we're about done here. Let's collect some evidence and get back to the Normandy. Oh, by the way? That's eleven." She brushed past him airily on the way to inspect the operating table in the center of the room.
It was covered in layer upon layer of crusted blood and bits of skin, in all different shades. There was the expected red-brown of human, but also violet from asari, orange from krogan, and deep blue from turians. What kind of sick experiments had he been doing? There were only humans in that hold, none of these other species, she thought. A tray of filthy implements lay nearby, but she left them alone. Vakarian was looking for records or notes on the terminal, and Williams was inspecting the lockers along the wall.
She walked over to the turian, who seemed aggravated. "Find anything?" she asked.
"Oh, I did, but it's all encrypted. I've never seen this kind of code before; I think he may have written it himself. It'll take time to decipher, time we don't have."
She looked over his shoulder at the display, and had to agree. It looked like nothing she had ever seen before, either. "Transfer it to an OSD and take it with us. Send it to whomever it needs to go to back on the Citadel, but if you want to keep a copy to work on yourself, that's fine with me. Williams, did you find anything?"
"No, ma'am, just surgery supplies."
Shepard was beginning to realize that Williams was the kind of person that called her own mother 'ma'am' "Alright, let's go. Leave the body."
They trooped back through the ship and onto the Normandy. For Shepard, this ship was beginning to feel like home, and as the decon beam cycled, she wondered if anyone else felt that way about it, too.
She stepped into the cockpit, feeling very satisfied. Removing her helmet, she said to Joker, "Let's head to Noveria. Saren's got something brewing there, and I'd like to stop it before it's too late."
"You got it, Shepard. Plotting coordinates." The pilot snorted. "Go chill out in your cabin for a few days, 'cause it's gonna be a while."
"Push her as fast as you can, because after Noveria we'll take a few days of leave on the Citadel while we resupply."
"Aye aye!" he said enthusiastically, overexaggerating his salute.
She shook her head at him, smiling, and headed down the stairs, Ashley and Garrus in tow.
"Leave? For everyone?" Ashley asked excitedly.
"Yes, for everyone. We'll be there at least three days, if Vakarian's estimates are correct. I've okayed an upgrade to our weapons system, and it will take at least that long, not counting all the resupply the galley and the cargo bay need. And since we'll be somewhere under the direct protection of the Council, nobody will have to stay on board."
"Three days," she sighed happily.
"Ashley, I want Liara ready for that mission. I'm taking you too, since you're the one that trained her, but it's time she went with us."
"Aye aye, Shepard." They left Ashley waiting for the elevator, and walked around to the mess area.
"Shepard," Garrus said behind her into the quiet of the ship's late evening.
"Yes?" she asked, turning to face him.
"I'm sorry for questioning your orders in public. I told you before I wasn't a very good turian. I guess I'm worse than I thought." His mandibles were tight to his face, his shoulders hunched forward.
"But you were still calm enough to listen to me, and you understood my reasoning behind my choices. You didn't disregard me, and I think you're finally starting to grow. That's what matters to me. I want to help make you a better person, Vakarian. You carry so much anger inside, so much bitterness. If you could just let that go, and see the galaxy as a whole, instead of focusing on all the little details that touch your own life... You could do so much, for everyone. You have the heart for it, I've seen it. But you've built this cage around it, and it can't get out. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
During her little speech, his posture had relaxed back into its normal towering height. "I actually do, Shepard," he said slowly. "I – I'll think on it."
"Do that. And Vakarian? Thanks." She turned and headed toward her cabin.
"Thanks for what?" he asked, confused.
She gave a one-shouldered shrug and a little shake of her head, not turning around. "Just... thanks."
She disappeared into her room, leaving him to stand perplexed in the mess. He waited for a moment, hoping she'd come back out to explain, but she didn't. He made his way up the ramp to the battery, lost deeply in thought, before going into his own private quarters.