Okay, okay, the name is like, WHAT THE HECK BOOTSY WHAT ARE YOU ON but I swear it's not.
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T-Rated Innuendos
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Al-Cid does not understand the concept of a mini-map. Having a map blearing across the upper-right hand corner of your vision might be useful, but it's really distracting. Is it possible for it to be removed? Do you just go to your local pharmacist and ask for mini-map-pills?
Speaking of disease, that is a stupid status effect. It's a cheap and dirty trick, and for the longest time Al-Cid did not know what it did. Who invented the absolutely evil idea of status effects, anyways? Al-Cid can picture the first races on Ivalice.
"I'm bored."
"Me too."
"Want to invent some stuff that hinders different aspects of others' abilities?"
"...Okay!"
Uncool, guys.
Al-Cid would probably die if he was immobilized, what if Al-Cid had an itchy nose?
And blind sounds really really bad and Al-Cid hasn't a clue why. Is it cured with Visine, or similar medication? Al-Cid can picture the commercial:
"Blinded by a zombie? There's a Visine for that too!"
Those apalling advertisments, listing the side effects so fast that the only ones you can catch are death and anal leakage. Which does not encourage Al-Cid to purchase Visine or any other medicines. Medicine are even worse than those Restoration Hardware commercials that have that man dancing like a loser-geek and the Canadian Tire advertisements that were aired every other commercial break a few years back:
"WELL GEE, SON, MY WINDOWS ARE DIRTY."
"WELL GEE, DAD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"
"WELL GEE, SON, LET'S GO TO CANADIAN TIRE!"
Initiate monotone voice over.
If Al-Cid ever saw those actor on the street, thier necks would be snapped by Al-Cid's Sunglasses Lady.
Back to status effects, 'stone' is particularly fun to create T-rated drug references.
"HEY PENELO I'M OUTTA MP."
"Okay, Vaan, use charge."
"BUT BALTHIER IS STONED."
TEAM FUEGO is not under the influence of drugs, apart Larsa's occasional hi-potion overdoses.
Al-Cid feels it necessary to note that Al-Cid received few flavour-suggestions for muffins, so Al-Cid has delayed baking them until more are submitted.
STOP, IT'S ESPER TIME!
Aha, Belias the Gigas. More T-rated innuendos.
Moving along, Ashelia and friends acquired the Dawn Shard from Lord Rasler's ghost, which coud be seen as Ashe's halucination (AL-CID REPEATS, TEAM FUEGO IS NOT UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DRUGS) or whether he is actually a ghost.
Anyways, the party is exiting the tomb into fresh air, the kind of air that doesn't give you a daily dose of minerals each time you inhale (I.E. ARCHADIA).
By the gods the party has been captured again. Oh ho, it's all that whiny Golden Boy's fauly. Cheeky little Judge Magister.
ARMOURED ASS YOU ARE AN ASS.
Oh Penelo, don't even try, you're a really, really bad liar.
REWIND, the Dawn Shard is nethicite? THIS IS MADNESS.
Al-Cid really doens't understand nethicite, how was it formed? Did Dr. C run around with a bottle catching mist? That's unethically mini-game-like.
Ah well, our party is being led through the Shiva. Ah, that name. It reminds Al-Cid of the epic journey two tales before this one.
Golden Boy, you are stupid. There is no other word for it.
There are three things your parents teach you as a child in Ivalice: Don't talk to strangers, look both ways before you cross the street, don't touch Reddas' sideburns and don't burn the Mist.
He always talks to strangers so he can feel better about himself. He so totally does not look both ways before crossing a street, nor does pay attention to traffic laws, example, prancing through Jagd with a whole fleet of airships.
Al-Cid doesn't want to talk about Reddas' scary side-burns (they feed on cats) because Ghis totally crossed the line and then had a party on the other side.
Francesaca, darling, don't scream, your voice will break and bad things will happen. Is Fran short for Francesca? Most likely not, as all your other friends have names that are four letters long. What ever were your parents thinking?
"Let us name this one Jote, this one Mjrn… and what of the middle one?" "
"Middle children are always the most scorned."
"Let us name her Fran!"
At least it is easier to pronounce than Ktjn.
WHOOAAHH, Fran has some hardcore kung-fu skillage in that brain.
Vossler, how dare you get in the way! Fighting your Queen, and your best friend for life (who, BY THE WAY, DOUBLE-A, PULLS OFF NEON ORANGE SHORTS W-A-Y BETTER) and you will die because Fran is just letting it rip.
He is in for an ass-kicking from Berserker-Fran and friends.
Horrid, back-stabbing beast, you will get receive no pity from Al-Cid because Hugh Jackman can pull off those side-burns with dashing good looks and an awesome accent, and all you have is your bad fashion sense and Judge Ghis.
TEAM FUEGO flees the exploding vicinity.
HAHA, GHIS. AH. HAHA. AHHA. You wanted to mess with the Mist, you messed with the Mist. Now you have blown up and died and taken several unimportant no-name scientists with you. Al-Cid hopes you roll around in your grave.
After reclaiming the Dawn Shard, our party must now 'lay-low' in Rabanastre for a while.
It's Memoir a-la-Marquis time.
Leave Bhujerba? Seek out the scattered pockets of the resistance in Ivalice and bring them together in a unified movement? It's so crazy it JUST MIGHT WORK.
But back to the concept of maps, the other thing Al-Cid does not understand is how, with each step one takes, the map is slowly revealed! No one draws it, it is just there. Perhaps the moogles hidden in Basch's potholder that map out each area as TEAM FUEGO go on. On the subject of moogles, what does 'ku-po' mean? Is it an endearing term? Or is it an insult only the moogles understand? Is it a catch-phrase? And how is it pronounced? 'Koo-po' or 'Kuh-po'? Al-Cid shall leave you with those thoughts in mind- and, of course, Al-Cid must provide a fact of the chronicled narrative entry:
The creature who leads Ashe and Rasler's wedding procession is the only one of its kind. It is a hybrid between the Nu-Mou and Vayne.
Keep it secret, keep it safe.
AND REMEMBER TO ENTER YOUR MUFFIN FLAVOURS!