Disclaimer: I do not own Jack, he does not own me. I do not own Vicki, she'd kick my ass. I don't own Will; once again Vicki would kick my ass if I even tried. So basically I own nothing, except all the lines that aren't in the movie, all the scenes that aren't in the movie, all the characters that aren't in the movie…can you see I'm still kinda pissed about the plagiarism thing? Yeah…getting over it…just making it clear as can be. You mess with our stuff; well…Vicki will kick your ass. (Big grin) Enjoy. Will and Vicki chapters coming up next.
Vicki's Disclaimer: She's right. Ass kicking I will do.
Side note: To those not aware, we finished PH 1 a loooooooooong time ago, like a year ago, so we can't really add anything into it. Sorry!
Charlie loves Claire
"Come on, lass!" Jack groaned, pleadingly.
"For the last and final time, Sparrow…no!" I snapped as I was thrown on top of him by another frisky rock of the ship. I was starting to have suspicions about the ship being alive, as everyone else seemed to speculate, and that it was cavorting solely to Jack's current desires. A genuine grin of wickedness splayed across his face, at our contact.
"Yer actions," he husked, twirling a strand of my hair around his finger, "…would suggest otha wise, love."
"Hey! Don't blame me for your horny ship!" I spat, as I began to get frantic, as the grip of his other hand on my shoulder tightened. "Now, just take a well learned lesson from D.A.R.E. and get it through your screwed up mind that 'no' means 'NO'!" By the time I was finished with my little speech on denying drugs and premarital sex, I was breathing a little harder than I would have liked to be, considering my momentary top position in 'Not Good Scenarios For A Young Lady To Find Herself In'.
While I had ranted Jack's expression had grown solemn and serious, his fingers stopping their teasing game with my hair. After a moment of silence he continued to twist it around his fingers, "Ta speak 'onestly, love…" He began.
"Hah!" I snorted.
"Shut up, lass." Jack said, eyeing me, seeing if I would go against him as I usually did and speak up. Oddly enough, I found myself obeying. Don't know why I did that. "Now…ta speak 'onestly, I 'ave no idea wha' the 'ell tha' 'hole speech was abou'; although I did catch somethin' about me ship an' dares. Despite this, wha' I found most interestin', an' I think ye'll agree,… is that tha' litt'l 'no' of yers sounded like a mighty 'yes', considerin' ye've yet ta get off me."
For a minute, a full minute, the words made no sense to me. Then I understood what he was saying and I stiffened like a block of wood. In the next second I had leapt off him. Jack laughed as I scrambled to the opposite side of the cell. Pushing himself off the floor faster than a supposedly constantly inebriated pirate had any right to, he followed me, backing me into a corner.
I didn't think I could do this for much longer.
"Okay…let's say for a second you're not totally mental," I stammered lightly, as he lightly placed two intimidating hands on either side of me. His arms creating another brig around me, "And I did like you…Heck! Over the moon, mad like a dog in wild love with you…"
"Impressive…" He observed, tilting his head a mite.
"…Hey! When I'm talking, you're listening!"
"Righ'. Pardons."
"So…just say if," I licked my lips nervously, which I shouldn't have done since it caught Jack's interest, but…hell my mouth had suddenly gone dry, "…IF, it would not be NOW that I'd jump your bones, alright!"
"Wha' exactly are ye waitin' for, lass?" He asked, his face giving off a tint of one utterly baffled by my reasoning.
The phrase struck me as funny at the time because of the irony, and I had to say it:
"The Opportune Moment."
Jack sputtered choking back a guffaw at the sentiment, "Lass, look around! We're locked in the damned Brig! Trust me, is'not goin' ta get anymore opportune than this."
WHIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRR-BAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM!
Jack covered me as a cannon ball rammed through the wall, sending wooden planks sailing.
"Bleedin' idiots." Jack muttered, once the debris had settled. "Ye alrigh' there, lass?" He asked me.
"Yeah, uh huh…" I murmured distractedly, "Five by five, babe…"
"Hell an' an 'andsaw!" I was interrupted by the burning curse, as Jack caught sight of the massive hole in the side of the wall. Marching forward, he yelled out, "STOP BLOWIN' 'OLES IN MY SHIP!"
Running a hand through his scraggly dreads he turned to view me, bent over, clutching my sides, convulsing with deadly laughter. I hadn't thought the line would phase me since I was so used to it by now, after having seem my fair share of the film, but…that's when the hilariousity hits you the most, when you least expect it.
"Ye know I don't think I ever made it a point ta ask, bu' just wha' is WRONG with' ye, gel? Too much sun? Where ye perhaps dropped on ye 'ead a few too many times as a babe? Any reason a'tall fer all this?"
My raspy laughter continued as I tried to speak, "Ohhhhhhh man!" I tried to hold it in, but the next bark of laughter exploded from my lips, "The movie…(HA HA HA HOLY SHIT) doesn't compare…(JIMMENY CRICKETS HA HA HA HA OH MY GOD!)…to seeing you (a big breath and then hey, since I didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon….more laughter)…say it! Oh, oh, oh, I'm dying…I see a bright light….and Johnny Depp…oh WAIT that's just YOU!"
Jack pinched the bridge of his nose while he rolled his eyes AND muttered something under his breath. Take that, Vicki, my man can multi-task so…BOO YAH! Looking down he caught sight of Mr. Gibbs's bottle of spirits used for ammunition in the bloody battle.
"Ah, I knew it! There is a God, an' 'ee's a drinker!" He exclaimed overjoyed, as he picked it up and turned it upside down.
"It's empty." I informed him.
He slowly lowered the flask and turned to glower hotly at me, "I hate ye…" He growled.
"The flask may be empty, but the door on the other hand," I said, pointing to the steel cage door that had been blasted through, "is conveniently unlocked. So what do you say, Sparrow? We gonna get out of this stinkin' brig…or would you rather sulk some more?"
Jack ignored my sarcasm and approached the door cautiously, as if he expected it to chew his arm off. Tenderly he pushed it open and began to grin, as it swung out.
Turning back to me he declared, "I love ye, lass!"
"Fickle little bugger, aren't ya?" I asked smirking, arms crossed over my chest in a "Mother knows best" pose. Except I had no wish to be Sparrow's mother; one, because she was either a) Dead, b) Running a Brothel, or two, because that would just be plain nasty. (To all those who know me…being attracted to men twice or three times my age is not nasty! So just shudup.)
"Yeh!" He grunted, seizing my wrist and dragging me out of the cell with him, "Come on, now!"
"So what's the plan, oh mighty hottie?" I asked stupidly, hardly paying attention as we flittered from one shadowed corner to another.
"Wha' did ye call me? Ye callin' me out? 'Cause I'll take yowt, lass…no ways barred, no one calls me out." He threatened.
"Chill-lax bro, I wasn't calling anything out…I called you a…" To tell him I thought he was hot as in I was wildly attracted to him would only serve to inflate his ego, which he didn't need, "…a mighty Scottie."
"I'm no' Scottish…tha' would be Miss Fraser." He protested.
"I know…now shut up and tell me the plan."
"Eh…I don't 'ave one." He grinned, pulling me through the bowels of the ship, "I thought I'd just fool around an' see wha 'appens."
"Is this how you conduct all of your adventures?" I asked incredulously, as he pulled us behind a thick beam stay, hiding us in the darkness.
"Sort of…Yeh. All o' 'em." He confessed.
I took time to actually marvel at him in complete and unbridled awe, "You are definitely the best pirate I've ever seen." I breathed. "I suck at improv."
He raised a brow, in what could have been taken as an expression of flattery, " 'Ow many 'ave ye seen?"
I paused.
"Well, technically you're my first…but I mean compared to Barbossa, no competition." I assured him.
"Aye, well then ye've touched me 'eart, lass…" He murmured distractedly, peeking around the corner to see if the coast was clear, "Alrigh' this is makin' me sick…"
"HEY! Fine, that's the last time I ever try to engage you in a serious conversation." I pouted.
"Lass, love, now's not the time…an' besides serious conversations are borin'." He argued back.
I shrugged my shoulders, "Well, can't argue with you there."
"Good." He replied succinctly, as he grasped my arm and pulled me along again. "Now, I 'ave a plan."
"Let me guess," I panted as I tried to keep pace, "you plan to go over there and get the medallion, return Gibbs's flask to him, and uh…be insulted insanely by Barbossa in the process? Am I close?"
Footsteps sounded in front of us, and spinning me the other direction he pushed me into another corner, following close behind. We waited until the brute had passed, until we spoke again, "Well, yes but withou' the insults if possible. An' wha' will ye be entertainin' yerself with while I go galivantin' off?"
"I'll be here and ya know…there…" I waved my hand around to clarify, "…Around. Oooooh hey!" I exclaimed, perking up at the prospect, "How about I go and make fun of Barbossa? FUN!"
"I disapprove o' tha' ridiculously shtupid idea. Yer daft if ye think 'ee wouldn't throw yah overboard just fer lookin' at 'im."
"Daft? DAFT LIKE JACK!"
I was pressed against the wood of the boat as Sparrow's hand clamped down over my mouth. He leaned down, so that I looked him in the eye, "Aye, ye be daft. Daft enough ta get us found an' gutted with yer gibberin'. Now," He said sternly, "I'm goin' ta take my 'and away an' ye'll shut yer gob, a'righ'?"
I nodded.
His hand slowly lifted from my mouth.
I opened my lips…
His hand slammed back down.
"Wha' did I just tell ye! Wha' ye be openin' yer mouth for? We 'ad an accord an' ye were just goin' ta…"
I sneezed.
"…blow ye nose all on me 'and." He finished dryly, as he took his hand away with no small amount of disgust written plainly on his features.
I sniffed pathetically, "I was trying to warn you, you monkey face!" I smacked him on the arm.
He wiped his hand on my shirt.
"Gross! You butt monkey!" I yelled, wiping the nose residue from me with a shriek.
"Stop sayin' 'monkey'!" He shouted, "I keep thinkin' it's tha' bleedin' African safari beast Barbossa 'as for a pet!"
"MONKEY!" I screamed, pointing a trembling finger behind him, a fearful expression on my face.
Jack spun around in a moment of dazed confusion and fright like a total wuss, knees-a-knockin' and the whole enchilada, as I made a break for the door in the other direction and up to the deck.
Needless to say Jack hurried after me when he realized there was no monkey there. Ha ha, I'm smarter than Jack.
"Wha' do ye think yer doin', woman!" He asked angrily, when he finally caught up, snagging on my arm, pulling me back.
"Conducting an adventure your way, Sparrow." I told him, "Now, go do the rescuing thing you're so good at and I'll distract Barbossa."
"An' 'ow do ye plan ta do tha'?" He asked, mocking me.
"I'll…ya know…be me."
Jack paused as if in deep thought.
"Well, tha' sure as the Devil's 'ell will work. Hop to, lass. I'm off!"
When Jack wants to go…he's gone, baby.
I walked around as pirates hurried to and fro, hither and thither. No one paid any attention to me, for the more than obvious reason that they were locked in a grueling battle. While probably the smartest thing to have done was to keep quiet…it just wouldn't do.
"OH BABS!" I sang.
Now all eyes were on me. Yes.
"Take a picture boys, it'll last longer and it won't kick your ass!" I waved merrily, striking a pose. I blew them sloppy kisses. Okay, now they just looked plain scared. You all think they were scurrying over to the Interceptor to follow Babs's orders, nope…they were running from me.
"OHHHHHHHH BABS, WHERE ARRRRRRRRRRRE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU?"
A roar of fury broke through the sound of cannon fire and curses.
"Oh, there you are!" I shouted happily, prancing over to him.
" Wha' the…!" He all but screamed seeing me, "Why aren't ya in the Brig, where's I put yer pathetic carcass?"
"It didn't go with my outfit." I said innocently, "Oh yeah, and Jack broke us out."
"Damn Sparrow!" He bellowed, "Damn tha' man!"
"Yep, he's a pistol, alright." I chirped enthusiastically in agreement, "So…" I tried, spanning the horizon, or what little I could see of one through the smoke of burnt and broken ship parts, "we're having a battle, huh?" I asked.
"Aye." He grunted, his attention on other things.
"Ya know this may just be me but why must there always be violence? Let's sing a song instead, why don't we?"
" 'Ow's about ye shut up!"
"Too late." I warned and took a deep breath and sang, "WAR, HUH, YEAH! What is it GOO-UH-D for? Absolutely NOTHIN'! Listen ta me! YAAAAAAAAAHH!" All we needed was Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan to make this perfect.
Barbossa yanked me to him sharply by my hair, making my fake song scream turn into a full, 'Little sister/brother just pulled all my hair out scream'. "Silence tha' tongue of yers gel, or 'ave it ripped from ye!" He threatened darkly, then pushed me forward roughly, dirty hands still twisted painfully in my hair, causing me to be winded when the railing met with my middle.
"Do what you want, mate…" I managed to groan, feeling as if one of my ribs had just cleanly popped out of my chest, "…but watch the hair."
"Yer one more curse than we need aboard this 'ere ship, lass. Be mindful o' wha' ye say, before it lands ye inta the sea. Yeh an' the worthless Sparrow cease ta amuse."
"That's impossible. He's frockin' hilarious!" I exclaimed, hissing in a grimace.
Jerking my hair again, I bit back a sharp cry, determined not to give someone like ol' Babs the satisfaction of hearing it, "Let's watch an' find ou'." He grinned evilly, forcing me to look over at the Interceptor where the battle raged.
I spotted Jack with some trouble, as he was making his was toward Elizabeth and caught sight of me. I attempted a little wave, "Yo my dog, just chillin' with the villain here!" I called, jerking my thumb at Barbossa.
With a growl Barbossa released my hair, throwing me backwards a few yards and shouted, "Fire!"
The double ended cannons flew straight and true, breaking apart the Interceptor's mast as one would break a twig…or a very skinny model.
"TIMBER!" I shouted, as I rejoined Barbossa. You might think I'm a glutton for punishment, but I don't go for the whole sadist/masochist thing, so here's the reason I did that. The broken splintered mast fell, and the large gaping hole of one of its sails proved the best shelter in which to stand. See…pure survival instincts.
"DUDE!" I cried, "I have ALWAYS wanted to DO that!" I then proceeded to do somewhat of a hindered Irish jig, considering my ribs were bruised from here to Sunday. I must have looked pretty foolish, or else Barabossa wouldn't have smirked something dreadful at the sight of me.
"Ah HA!" I exclaimed in victorious triumph, pointing at him, "I made you SMILE, I still amuse!"
"Now ye don't." He growled, creepy grin immediately disappearing from sight, as he pushed me roughly into Bo'sun's arms.
I just caught sight of Jack scurrying over to the Pearl, following that crazy monkey, before Bo'sun tossed me to Pintel.
"Take 'er."
"What is this Hot Potato? Get off me! I'm not your paddle ball of entertainment, get the frick off I said!"
Jack's hand reached out…too late.
"Why thank ye, Jack." The oozing maliciousness in Barbossa's being slid out in a purr in that one sentence.
"Yer welcome." Jack at least tried to save face by smiling.
"Oh, not ye…we named the monkey Jack." Eerily both the said monkey and Barbossa's face twisted into the same sickening expression. Talk about just wrong.
"He's cute." I piped up.
Barbossa stroked the animal gently, "I know."
Pause, "Not lookin' at your side show, mate. I was talking about the Jack that is anatomically correct."
Barbossa's lip curled in unnatural distaste, and he turned to his crew with a bellow of, "Gents, our hope is restored!"
The rest of the crew of the Interceptor was now being brought on board with a struggling Elizabeth. Has anyone else noticed that when she screams she sounds like that possessed corpse monkey? Seriously, I had to cover my ears. Should've used her during the wars as the air raid alarm system, no joke. At least now Vicki and I could make fun of Barbossa together, and I wouldn't be pushed around so much.
I waited patiently for her face to emerge from those who were being prodded and pulled onto the ship. My hands slowly went cold and numb as I pried away Pintel's hands.
"Vicki?" I called.
She wasn't there.
"Vicki?" My voice quavered on the point of panic, as I slapped away Pintel as he tried to keep a steady grip on me.
Of course she wasn't there.
"Vicki!" I screamed, racing to the edge of the railing.
"Shut up." Barbossa threatened and pushed me violently back sending me straight into Pintel again, "Find 'er a gag an' make sure there tain't no way she can remove it." He ordered.
"You…SUCKY-COMMODORE-WANNBE !" I shrieked, fighting teeth and nails as Pintel slammed me up against the mast with the rest of the Interceptor's crew, squashed right between Anna Maria and Gibbs. He bound us tightly with a thick piece of coarse rope.
My mind stalled and then jumpstarted again to race wildly in my head. While in all possibility Vicki could have escaped from the ship with Will, it was not certain. What if she hadn't made it? I mean this wasn't a movie for Christ's sake! She could actually die…Those two words didn't go together well…they wouldn't connect for me…she can't die…she's the Vickster Vicker…she's immortal…
But that still didn't change the fact that even with all my hopes and prayers, I could be wrong.
"If one of ye even thinks the word, 'Parle', I'll 'ave yer guts for garters." Pintel threatened, quite effectively as he circled us like a vulture.
Not quite effectively enough though, I'm afraid.
"Parle." I growled quietly.
Jack sent me a sharp look, "Lass…" He warned.
"PARLE." I continued, "Par-FUCK-YOU-le!" I raged, straining against the ropes.
Pintel's eyes went wild and before I knew what had happened he had slapped me brusquely, knocking my head against Gibbs. Jack made some brisk movement as if he were going to propel himself forward and beat the snot out of him. Either he realized how stupid an action that would be or he was being detained, all I know is he was stilled by fifty pairs of pirate hands. Poor old Gibbs, I have a hard head…wait a minute forget about the pig-sleeper and focus on me…I was in a torrent of pain, having never been hit before in my life. I couldn't even put a hand to my cheek to calm the sting, since my hands were bound to my sides.
"Quiet, bloody wench."
Knocking around the block of an already disturbed girl doesn't make things any better, let me tell you. I began yowling and spitting curses like a cat, "ASS BASTARD!...#$&!...MASSIVE SHIT HEAD..!"
Pintel raised his hand high as though to swipe at me again and two important things happened at the same time. Elizabeth slipped from her bindings (of course she's THIN enough, cause I sure as hell couldn't budge), then the Interceptor blew to the sky, the thunder like sound of its untimely destruction deafening me.
Elizabeth stopped short and my curses were swallowed by the sound. As the debris fluttered back down into the churning waves only one thought filled my mind. I wasn't thinking about my bruised face, or the red lines of irritation that the coarse rope was raising on my arms.
I was thinking about Vicki, Vicki…who could always make me laugh even if we were about to die…Vicki, who could put on the best Jack Sparrow's niece voice I had ever heard…Vicki, whose beloved Will had better resurface with her or else I would kill him.
Here's hoping, Vicki, that your obsessive nature keeps you well and alive.
Leanan Sidhe: Well, coming up is Vicki and Will in their version of mine and Sparrow's brig time (whoo boy) and then it's me, Elizabeth, and Jack on an island, and no it's not the LOST island (No Dom) so Vicki can't come. Good lord, we're nearly done with this story. Nearly.
Lyrics from Rush Hour, don't know the name of the song.