APOV

Dearest diary,

My confusion has increased over the past few months. I feel as if I'm running in a circle, trying to find the way out. But every door I come to starts to shut. All, except for one. Maybe that why I'm so confused. Because that door that is wide open, and letting me be free, I' am rejecting it. And I don't know why! I feel as if I don't deserve it. That the way out should be harder to find, harder to reach! I cant have it that simple, not me.

But what troubles me the most, is my feelings. My feelings toward the cult, my feelings toward my brother, my feelings toward my past…my feelings towards Jacob.

I paused there and stared at the last word while biting my lower lip. Writing the words seemed like lifting weights. Ever since that day he and I announced our friendship, its been…difficult.

I sighed, picked up my pen, and started to scribble some more…

Why do I feel so comforted by him? He and Embry have been very generous to me, but there is…something about his smile. His warm hands around mine, the glow in his eyes when I sit next to him, its…odd, in a way. I don't know if I want to be so close to him. I don't know if I just want to be friends. Is that all we will ever be? And why is it that when he said he didn't like me as…well…you know, a crush kind of way, why did it hurt me so bad? That when I walked away from him my steps dragged on and on. I felt chains around my ankles and needles stabbing my chest. When I breathed, I struggled. So I had to sit down and wait for the pain to subside. But, why? Why did I even HAVE this pain? I do not like Jacob Black that way. No, he is a very kind friend, and that's all. Or…am I just lying to myself? Could he be something more to me? Is he something more to me and I don't know? Does he feel the same way? No, of course not. He even confessed that he only liked me as a friend. But…what if he was hiding his feelings? Ugh! Get a hold of yourself Autumn! Are you in love with Jacob or not?! Can you love him or not!? And WILL you love him…or not.

I wiped a tear from my eye and took deep breath. It was stupid to cry over my mental scolding. I deserved it. But I was just SO confused! I' am so confused!

In the speed of a blink I shut my diary and threw it across the room. I hugged my knees to my chest and wept like never before. This Jacob Black, he has a huge effect on me. So big that I'm…I' m scared.

Scared to loose him, scared to win him, scared to loose myself, scared that things will get out of hand, scared of what will happen to us in the future. I've never been so frightened…and confused.

There was a light tap at the door, "Autumn?" Emily whispered softly.

"Oh god!" I said wiping my tears. What an embarrassment!

Without warning or welcoming Emily opened the door bit by bit and poked her head in, she saw me, "Autumn? Autumn what's wrong?" she asked staring at my wet face.

I sniffed and hid my face with my hair, "Your not suppose to see me like this." I said, my voice hoarse.

I heard her full frame walk into my room and shut the door behind her, "Autumn, you can talk to me." she said like a mother talking to her daughter when she came home from the prom that ended up horribly.

I had hiccup like breaths from crying so much. She lightly walked over to my bed and sat down. She cradled me in her arms and stroked my long hair. I could do nothing but sob more and more into her gown. I felt guilty for ruining her beautiful white gown with my salty tears.

"Shh…everything will be alright." she said trying to sooth me while stroking my hair.

"Emily…" I said in a hiccup breath.

She loosened up a little and looked into my red framed eyes, "Yes?" she said tenderly.

I hiccupped again, "I'm…s so…confused." I said with a stutter. Her deep brown eyes tried to grab my attention, but I kept staring at the floor. The pain coming close to reaching me.

"What is confusing you?" she asked still looking at me. I knew she was trying her best to help me, and I wasn't helping much at helping her. In order for her to help me, she has to know what's the problem. But I didn't know how to tell her. I didn't know WHAT to tell her. That I' am head over heels for Jacob and don't know it? That I want to be more than a friend? That I'm tired of always feeling numb? About the pain that I'm having?

But as I retraced every thing I was going to tell her, it all boiled down to one thing. I was confused about Jacob and me.

Her brown fingers went under my chin and pulled my face to look at her eyes, "What is wrong?" she asked again. More sternly this time.

I tried to answer, but m explanation was caught in my throat. I couldn't even whisper it.

She looked down at my stomach, then me, "Your…your not pregnant, are you?" she asked letting go of my face.

I let out a horrid laugh, "Your crazy Emily! No, I'm not pregnant." I said wiping my tears with my sleeve and trying to regain my breath.

She leaned back against the wall, "Autumn, I need to know what's wrong." she said crossing her arms.

I laughed humorlessly, "I know right?" I said trying on a smile that didn't fit.

She kept staring at me, waiting for a reason for my tears that more than likely woke her up.

I took in a deep shaky breath and closed my eyes, "I…" I started, "I don't know what to tell you Emily. Honest." I said.

I opened my eyes back open slowly and saw her face still staring at me. Her ruined face that was so beautiful in different ways. I looked away from the bad side and quickly to my bed sheets.

"No…I want to you stare at it Autumn." she said like a principal.

I looked back at the good side of her face, what did she mean?

"Look at my ruined side of the face. I want you to…no, Autumn don't look away." she said once I was turning my head.

She rolled up her sleeves to expose the rest of her scars. I looked at them too, with sorrow.

"Emily--"

"I want you to stare at them for the longest moment and realize something." she said lifting her scared arm, "I want you to see how these relate to you."

I tried to look away, but I didn't want to upset her. She grabbed my hand and made me brush her scar with my finger tips.

"Do you see it?" she asked me as I stroked the scars on my own. They felt soft, not rough, but still puffy. I tried to figure out what she wanted me to look for.

I looked at her ruined eyes, "No." I answered.

She pushed her sleeve up higher were more scars were, "These scars will always haunt me…but always remind me." she started looking at her own scars.

Then she started, "I was about your age when I was with Sam. He told me he needed to speak with me. And since I wanted nothing more than to be with him I went. We stopped near a lake and talked about other non important things. School, family, education, payments, graduation, and us. Everything to pass time." she sighed then picked back up, "After I thought we were threw with talking I got up to leave. But he pulled my arm and said that he wasn't threw. He said that that wasn't what we wanted to tell me. I was confused, but I stayed without a second thought. He hesitated throughout the whole conversation, but came out with it. He told me flat out, I'm a werewolf," her face showed no emotion of any pain, "I was confused, just like you. How could my love be something so…bad? So of course I was drilling him with questions. I didn't believe one word he said. Werewolves don't exist, they are myths, he is just keeping me here to scare me. I grabbed my purse and started to leave when he ran after me. He grabbed my wrist and whirled me around, 'Emily, what's wrong?' he said looking frightened. I pushed him away, 'Your sick! How could you drag me here and tell me such lies!' I screamed at him. His face turned into a different way, 'I would never lie to you.' he said. I never knew that one day I would think he was a liar, but I was destined to call him one, 'You just did! A werewolf?! Hah! Smooth one Sam!' I said sounding…not like myself. His arms started to shake, but I didn't notice, 'Emily, I'AM a werewolf.' he said trying to stop the shaking by grabbing his arm. I rolled my eyes and held my purse tighter, 'If this is all you wanted me here for, then fine!' I said trying to stomp off. But I turned around, his whole frame now shaking, 'What is that suppose to mean?' he asked his voice getting rough." she paused and looked at me, "I never meant for the words to slip out, honestly. I wanted anything but to say what I did."

I looked at her, "What did you say?" I asked urging her on.

She sighed and stroked her arm, "I said, 'It means that if you want this relationship to end, then so be it!' And then I turned around and cried. I had been holding them in for so long. I was two steps away from the woods when I heard something howl, a wolf. I stopped in my tracks and turned around…" she looked intently at her scars, "Very bad idea."

I know knew why the scars were in the front of her face. She had turned around.

She swallowed hard and looked at me, "I couldn't remember anything else after that. I got so wiped out you know. It was, total blackness. All I remember is the strength and the speed. I woke up in the hospital bed thinking of nothing but Sam. He had never lied to me, he was just trying to warn me. And I was acting like a fool to not only him, but myself, and thought that we were going to break up. So after my scars were healed a little bit better, I raced off to Sam. I found him crying on a log were we were before…well…you know," I looked at her arm, "So I walked over to him, wrapped my arms around him, and told him, 'I believe you'." she ended her story then looked at her ring, "Then, the big bad wolf got engaged to the fragile human."

I chuckled. After everything she had told me, I wanted nothing more than to run to Jacob.

She sighed, then looked at me, "Do you get it know Autumn?" she asked lowering her hand.

I looked away from the floor and to her face, "That love conquers all?" I asked.

I took in a deep breath, "No. Do you get your part in the story?" she asked.

I thought about her whole story. Nothing reminded me of what my purpose was. I shook my head slowly.

"You were me. You were running away from your fate. You were running away from the one important thing to you. You kept telling yourself that you didn't love him and that all you were going to be was friends. When I was with Sam that's all we were, friends. Or that's what we were suppose to be." she said laughing.

My eyes widened, had I mentioned anything about Jacob to her? How did she know all of this?

"My scars, Autumn, are a lesson in my life. I should have never runned away from something that I wanted most," she eyed Jacobs shirt that I was wearing from the night I spent the night over there, "So why are you?"