Somewhere between Hope and Happiness

At the end of the week I had yet to let my control slip, despite much encouragement from the creature in the back of my mind. It had pointed, sniffed in indignation, and rattled on the bars. But I had held my will. I felt it boded well for the rest of my non-human drinking life, and the Cullens seemed to agree. One of them would congratulate me at the end of the day when we arrived home. But I was very glad of the weekly hunting expeditions I would take with Jasper, who I knew spent more time drinking from humans than animals like me. I didn't know, however, how we would get along alone. So I hoped we could put behind us any of the disputes we might have had before and move forward. Maybe we could be friends, too? I smiled at the thought.

Of course, some of the other Cullens would come sometimes but it would, without fail, be with Jasper each week. Every Saturday. I was optimistic as he had approached me with the question on Wednesday at lunchtime, while everyone was at the table.

. . .

"Is nine o'clock to leave, this Saturday okay?" he asked me, directly focusing on me. There was no way he could be talking to anyone else at the table. I was surprised at the request.

"What for?" I inquired. "Where would we go?"

"Hunting, Isabella. Your eyes are already starting to darken up slightly; it's about time you went. No-one should be at school thirsty." The Cullens all nodded in agreement.

"You should go weekly, too," Alice piped up helpfully. "That will help to make sure you don't ever slip—I know you're afraid of that."

"Speaking of eyes darkening, Jasper you're getting too thirsty as well," Edward put in, communicating some unspoken message in his eyes to Jasper. Both of them nodded minutely and left me wondering what it was all about.

I was shy to speak my mind completely on that, so went for a toned down response to it. "Would you like to share it with the table?" I murmured. Emmett laughed under his breath and smiled at me; I could tell that was exactly what he had been thinking.

"Just about a little area of woods I don't like," Edward answered. I quirked my brow in question, looking to both men; I didn't quite believe Edward. I could see his mouth twist up on one side in amusement before he quickly covered it. Sighing, I decided to let the issue go.

"So where will we go, Jasper?" I asked. He sat up at this, having slumped into his seat after my previous enquiry. He picked up his prop drink can and spun it around and around in his hand. Some kind of distraction?

"To the north of the house, but not so far as Canada."

. . .

Here I lay on my bed again, pondering on the week's events and wondering what lay ahead. It had been an extraordinary thirteen days with the Cullens. I had met Carlisle finally and made a new friend in him, as well as Edward and Alice; the others seemed reluctant. Esme was more of a mother to me than a friend though, on the outskirts but comforting when I needed it. These were all relationships I needed to build on while I had time to, while this piece of good luck lasted.

Breathing out I sat up and looked at the clock on the wall, it read eight o'clock. I had only an hour before the trip with Jasper started, suddenly a feeling of dread twisted in my gut. I knew my feeling to be ridiculous; Jasper and I had sorted out our differences in a way, we had come to an understanding. I wouldn't hurt him while he didn't hurt me. I knew my ties to the Volturi frightened him, though he did his best to hide it. He tensed up whenever I was close to him, made a point of our skins not touching. He kept his distance. I was comfortable with that. I was only displeased that he tried to keep Alice away from me as much as he could while he was there. He would subtly claim her hand from mine, as she so often held it. He would claim her attention while she helped me along with my homework. I wondered if Alice knew the real reason why Jasper needed her to find him a new shirt every evening on the computer.

But I was hopeful. There was still much to talk about from the first time we met, and I wanted the intimation of what really happened out there to clear the air between us. I was hopeful.

A gentle tune started up on the piano downstairs then, twinkling and light in the air. Edward was playing, I saw. He looked pensive as he watched where his fingers reached on the white keys. He stopped then, and looked right to where I was watching him. Clearly he could see in my mind what I was watching.

"Come down, Isabella," he said. That was all the prompt I needed. I leapt off the bed and stood by his side at the piano in less than a second. He looked up at me and gestured for me to sit beside him. "I've been trying to figure this one out, testing different notes in my mind; but nothing works like the real thing." He started playing the same tune he had started with, his hands moving over the keys swiftly and carefully. I felt mesmerised by the ease of his movement, taking in the melody and feeling the happiness that lay beneath it. Edward was happy. I wished I could be as happy as he sounded, wished I could play something as effortlessly as he did. But I was never one for music.

"What's it called?" I asked him, looking up at his face while he still worked the keys. He was concentrating hard, his brow furrowed and mouth pinched. There was a long pause while he reached the end of the musical phrase. He stopped and looked to me.

"I'm not sure. I thought if you named it I would find a direction to go with it and finish the piece. It's been bothering me for quite some time." He smiled sheepishly as I gazed back at him in shock.

"You want me to name it?" He nodded. "Oh well, I don't know either. What kind of title do you want?" Edward laughed then at the futility of his request. I had never been one for music and here I was expected to name a song for him! "I really don't know, Edward!" I laughed then with him, smiling at the ridiculousness of the moment. "You must have seen in my mind that I don't really listen to music!" I think the indignation in my voice fuelled his amusement even more, as he clutched his stomach in laughter. I huffed then, pulling a wayward hair back to the side of my face. "I don't know what you want from me," I laughed, gesturing with my hands between us.

Eventually Edward calmed his laughter, and sat up properly again. He was still smiling though. "What does it make you feel then? That could help me," he suggested.

"Happiness," I answered quickly. Edward nodded as he started to play the piece again, placing new accents on different notes. It seemed different now somehow, in what it was communicating. The happiness was still there, but it was something new. Longing? Hope? It was somewhere along those lines. "Somewhere between hope and happiness," I finished.

"Thank you, Isabella," he said earnestly.

"It's nine o'clock, Isabella," Jasper called from some distant corner of the house. There was thunder on the steps as he made his way down the stairs. I rose from my seat on the piano bench in seek of a pair of shoes Alice bought me; she'd bought be about six pairs. Jasper was already at the bottom of the stairs by the time I reached the hall and put a pair of training shoes on. He waited patiently while I got myself together, shaking the car keys in his hand absently.

"You're sure I can use your Jeep, Emmett?" he inquired up the stairs.

"Yeah, go ahead," a booming voice replied from the first floor. Jasper nodded once in recognition of this before cocking his head.

"Ready?"

"Yes, thank you." With that Jasper led the way through the door and out to Emmett's big Jeep. A thought occurred to me just as we crossed the threshold. "Bye everyone! Back soon!" A chorus of return farewells called across the house, the closest coming from the piano bench. I could see Edward watching me go as I pulled the front door shut behind me.

Jasper was already in the driver's seat when I reached the door, which was significantly higher up than Edward's silver car. Carefully I pulled the large door open and climbed into the front with him. The next challenge that faced me was the seatbelt system; it was not a hard decision to simply ignore it and settle comfortably into my seat. I wasn't going to die if we crashed.

"I do suggest you put your seatbelt on," Jasper said as he turned on the engine. I looked at him inquisitively. "The ground is bumpy where we're going; you'd probably be more comfortable if you did put it on." Sighing, I decided to try to work out the complex system, with little success. Jasper smirked as he watched me tangle and wrestle with the strips of material before eventually he couldn't bear to watch me any longer. "Here," he said, taking the pieces of belt and making them make sense across my chest.

"Oh." The pieces clicked into place finally and Jasper sat back.

"Let's go." He reversed the Jeep a few feet and turned it around, hurtling us along the long driveway and onto the motorway.

. . .

We rested on opposite rocks in some unknown wood to the north of Forks. Jasper had just drained a couple of deer, quickly and precisely before discarding them. His eyes were bright gold, a clear sign of satisfaction.

"But it still never really hits the spot," Jasper said sadly. "It doesn't feel like human blood, it doesn't feel like humanity. In a way, I miss that. You can understand that, right?" he implored. "But when I think about how I felt after the first rush, the coldness of their fear just before death, the sweetness of adrenaline in the blood. And then I would feel empty and all that humanity would rush away from me—make my bones heavy."

"Yet nothing compares," I agreed. I knew all too well. Jasper smiled gratefully. It was the least I could do, to empathise with him, to commiserate with him over our long, endlessly tormented lives.

"Everyone in the family started on animal blood, no-one really understands it properly. Edward probably has the best chance of understanding, what with his mind reading. He went to human blood for a time too, but returned to animal blood after just a few years. Everyone else in the family suffers from slip ups every now and then. But that's the extent of the anarchy in our house. It sickens me sometimes." I tried to understand what he was saying, nodding along with him. It surprised me that Edward had ever been off the wagon, just because of his mind reading.

"And everyone is so understanding when I make yet another mistake, because I had a much different start to my vampire life than the others. You know what that's about. But I still feel like a failure, like a waste of effort for them when I make these mistakes. Especially as I chose to change my diet like this. Before I met Alice and joined the Cullens I was going months between drinks, determined to starve myself of blood. I always felt awful after I did it, but I knew eventually instinct would take charge and I would have destroyed a whole town. So I would end up having just one drink; I knew I had to have something to keep it at bay.

"But it's just as you said; nothing else compares." Jasper gestured to the carcasses at his feet. "This doesn't even touch it."

"I know."

. . .

A few hours later I had drunk the blood of two deer and one unfortunate bear, which had tasted a great deal nicer than any other animal I had taken from. I asked Jasper why that was:

"Because meat eating animals taste more like humans," he replied matter-of-factly. It seemed an obvious answer now I thought about it. Humans ate meat too, and this was bound to show in their blood.

"It makes sense," I said simply, Jasper nodded in agreement. He seemed cautious to look at me, averting his eyes often and watching something else. This prompted to look down at the state of my clothes; they were torn through, and parts of my breast showed beneath the rags of shirt. "Sorry, the bear got to me," I told him bashfully, attempting to cover myself with my hands, but I knew it wouldn't work. It was at that point Jasper took of the light sweater he was wearing and handed it to me.

"Just take it." Reluctantly I took the fabric from him and threw it over my head. I drowned in the material, and felt quite ridiculous in the obvious men's wear. Jasper stood in a vest and jeans; bite marks stood out all over his arms, shocking me into a defensive position. Jasper raised his brow in what seemed like expectancy, like he was waiting for something. Something kicked in somewhere and made me realise that I was poised to attack someone who had just given me his top. This was Jasper, Alice's husband.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I cried as I stood up straight. I was horrified with myself. "I don't know what I was doing…"

Jasper shook his head, "It's fine, I get that all the time."

"It's not fine," I whined, mostly to myself. "It shows a certain lack of control for me to do that, so I'm eternally sorry for it, really."

"You were just hunting, a small amount of instinct still had hold of you, Isabella," he consoled sympathetically. "It really doesn't bother me anymore; it's over, so stop panicking."

Sighing, I accepted what he was saying. "Very well, then. But I'm still curious. How many times have you been bitten?"

"One hundred and fifty-five times," he replied promptly. "But I never lost a fight, as you can see." Jasper almost sounded proud, but there was a certain level of resentment in his voice which wouldn't be otherwise noticeable if I wasn't looking for it.

"How long after that fight did you give it up?" I inquired. He had to think about it for about five minutes; he probably hadn't paid very much attention to the time when he was doing it.

"I think… a year afterwards my friends came back, we escaped Maria together." He was wistful, remembering with a slight smile on his face. "Maria was not happy, and to be overpowered by two of her oldest recruits was beyond humiliating. I don't know what happened to her after we left, and nor do I care to know." He was cold in his reflection, watching the wildlife scurry across the treetops above. "She ruined me, so I hope that I ruined her too."

"I can understand that." Iago came to mind. "Did you happen to stumble across Iago on your travels?"

"Iago? You mean Iago in Denali with Kate?" I nodded. "Not before I joined the family here, I didn't ever know him before."

"That's a lie. He was at the battle with me. Didn't you notice him?"

Jasper looked down in thought, considering his memory of the battle. He must have seen Iago. "He was right next to me, Jasper? Do you remember? You looked straight at me and then you looked away."

"I remember seeing you, but I don't very well remember Iago. I was more concentrated on my own survival though," he tried to placate me. "And I left quite soon after the fighting started." I supposed this was supposed to make me feel better, but the idea that Iago had gone unnoticed by someone so involved in the fighting disturbed me a great deal. It was as if he was never there, yet I remembered him so clearly. I remembered his stony gaze and the harsh words he spoke. Yes, he had been there. I mustn't doubt that.

"And maybe you will tell me about the looks you gave me? Please? Edward seemed to think you knew all about it…" Jasper slumped back against the rock he had stood from, crossing his arms over his chest. I could see that he didn't want to say, for whatever reason that was. "Why are you so determined to keep it to yourself, Jasper? It can't be so terrible that you're afraid to tell me."

Reluctant was not a strong enough word for how long he hesitated to say. He opened and closed his mouth, changed positions and moved his head in various directions. But eventually, he gave it up.

"I felt attracted to you, but I could feel an intense sadness in you; I wanted to comfort you." I was taken aback by the revelation. "I'm not attracted to you any longer, please trust me on that, so it's not awkward. I've got Alice now, I don't need anyone else. But at the time…"

"I see." Like any girl, of course I was flattered, and self-consciously pulled a stray hair back behind my hair, straightened the jumper Jasper had given me. Jasper laughed, not missing anything.

"Really, it's all about Alice now. And I would ask you to keep that information to yourself, please."

"Of course," I acquiesced. It had the potential to be embarrassing for both of us. We laughed awkwardly together at the unlikelihood of the situation, sat on top of two rocks in the woods; one wearing the other's jumper and that other person admitting an earlier attraction to the one.

"Friends?"

"I'd like to be friends, Isabella, yes," Jasper replied. He was smiling as widely as I was. I could now claim to have four friends in the world; the prospect of such a thing filled me with joy.

"Thank you Jasper!" I exclaimed, leaping from my seat and wrapping him in a hug. There was a rumble of laughter in his chest while I clung to him and he slowly wrapped his own arms around me. I wasn't even shoulder height on him.

After that conversation, we fed on only a few small things before returning to the Jeep. Jasper drove us back to the Cullen house in what seemed like half the time it took us to get there. We reached home at about eleven o'clock in the evening; Alice was waiting eagerly on the doorstep, ready to pounce on Jasper the moment he stepped out of the car. It was sweet to watch, especially knowing what I knew now. He was completely devoted to her.

When I turned around I saw Edward watching out of his window, a small smile resting upon his face when I looked up. I waved to him, and he waved back. Carlisle stood in the doorway to the house, seemingly waiting for us to step back inside. Soon enough Jasper and Alice had greeted each other properly and led me inside the house with them.

In the living room there sat Rosalie, Emmett and Esme; they were on the edges of their seats. Esme directed for me to sit beside her while everyone settled in. Edward chose to sit on the arm rest beside me, while Jasper and Alice shared the arm chair.

"I believe you're aware of the Alaska coven's regular visits over Christmas, aren't you Isabella?" Carlisle asked me where he stood in front of the fireplace. I nodded in response to his question, and he continued. "Well Tanya has expressed a desire to come down again, on December the eleventh. She is bringing everyone with her—that includes Iago."

My breath caught in my throat at the mention of his name, the very thought that I would be in the vicinity of him in just a mere month. It couldn't happen.

"No, Carlisle. I can't be around when he is. I have to leave. I'll stay until they arrive. Is that okay?" I spoke desperately, pleading with my eyes and begging with my hands. They shook heavily as I thought of Iago. His words. He would ruin me. I stood shakily, walking upstairs. "This can't happen."

A/N: I've done good! lol Two chapters fairly close to each other - I'm proud! :P What are your thoughts of this, then? Poor Isabella...