The Lost Letters of Gandalf

The Fifth Essential Food Group, and I don't mean sausage!

Legolas,

I ended my last letter with flying through the air with the eagles. To be sure, our adventure did not end there, and we still had a few Ring Wraith problems, but I was kind of running out of paper. Hey, I'm a wizard, not Office Max! Anyway, we were flying with the eagles...

Swabtop shouted over the wind, 'So, where are they taking us!'

I shouted back, 'I have absolutely no idea! Does it look like I speak eagle!'

King Arthur had finally awaken, only he had sort of gone into a state of shook, 'Whhheeeeeeeeeeeeee!'

Merlin growled, 'Quite you oaf!' - WHACK – 'That's better...'

The eagles flew quickly, and I felt like I was being blasted in the face with a blow dryer. Except the air wasn't that hot. Finally the eagles got tried of carrying us, which was probably due to the fact that Jack sang 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, all the way through, three times. I, for one, never hope to ever hear about another bottle of beer on the wall ever again. (It figures, a pirate would sing about beer, wouldn't he?) So, anyway, once Jack had started the fourth round, the eagles – with a ear-splitting screech - let go of us.

Being let go by an eagle while flying 10,000 feet above the ground is not a pleasant experience. Fortunately, several burial mounds softened our fall. (Along with the parachute we made out of Swabtop tights – he says now they're soo stretched out they'll never fit again. But that's okay, he carries a spare.)

Arthur took this moment to wake up, 'Why am I covered in slightly blue with a tinge of purple tights?'

I, who had done a graceful face-plant, spit the numerous leaves, grass blades, and dirt out of my mouth, 'Ahh... The ground...'

I raised my head, 'Oh look, Simbelmynë.'

Swabtop, furiously putting on a new pair of tights, echoed, 'Symbol-Nimble... What?'

Galadriel croaked, 'Ribbit croak ribbit!'

Merlin rubbed his head, 'She says it's a flower that covers burial mounds.'

Jack dug through the Simbelmynë, looking for his hat, 'Ahh... so that would explain these conveniently placed mini-hills.'

I could almost jump for joy, 'That would also explain where the eagles were taking us! We are on the doorstep of the Golden Hall of King Théoden! Well, it may not be the summit of Barad-Dûr, but at least I know where we are. Not to say I wouldn't know where we were if we weren't on the doorstep of the Golden Hall of King Théoden – but...'

Arthur suddenly squeaked and jumped to his feet, 'That also means we're standing on a tomb!'

Merlin glared at him, 'For goodness sake, it's not like they're going to pop up and give you a violation ticket.'

Arthur's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell in a dead faint, but not before uttering, 'We have entered the Valley of Dispare. This is totally not cool.'

Picking twigs out of my beard, I congratulated him, 'Why, Arthur, you never told me you spoke in literary allusions. I speak in riddles, myself. That was out of Palsm 23... I think. Unless you count that 'not cool' part - not quite sure where that comes from.'

Jack suddenly gave a cry of triumph. We all looked at him.

Swabtop demanded, 'What is it?'

Jack held it up for all to see, 'Found my hat!'

Merlin grumbled, 'Yeah, keep your shiny bald head from blinding us to death.'

There was a long silence.

Galadriel croaked.

Swabtop patted her slightly, 'Don't worry, I didn't get it either.'

Jack then asked, 'Hey mate, do they have rum at this Golden Hall?'

I smiled at him, 'At the Golden Hall, rum is considered one of the five essential food groups. Yo ho!'

Even Merlin perked up, 'A whole food group?' - he dashed toward the fort – 'If rum's a food group, I can't wait to see what Root Beer is considered!'

I stood up and brushed off my coat, 'Of course, at the Golden Hall we'll finally get a decent meal. You can only eat so many roasted potatoes...'

Jack paused, 'I wonder if they serve sausages... or maybe pumpkins...?'

We arrived at the fort, and I knew we weren't going to be served anything, much less rum and sausages. To my great displeasure, Grima Wormtongue blocked the entrance of the Golden Hall. He smiled when he saw me and my stomach dropped down to the tip of my beard. What was the snake up to now?

Jack frowned slightly, 'What a slimy looking fellow...'

Merlin wrinkled his nose, 'Oh dear, I hope the cooks don't look like him. That man is far from sanitary!

Probably get all that greasy hair in my soup – yucky!'

I tugged at my beard, 'Sanitary – Four syllables already, Merlin?'

Before Merlin could say anything else, Swabtop stepped forward, 'I shall deal with him.'

I stood off to the side, 'This should be interesting.'

Swabtop walked up to Wormtongue and demanded, 'Who are you!'

Wormtongue blinked, 'Wait a minute, shouldn't I be the one asking that?'

Swabtop went on, 'Are you deaf, or just plain stupid? Who are you?'

Wormtongue stood straighter, 'I am Grima Wormtongue.'

Swabtop blinked, 'That's a very worser name than Swabtop!'

Almost choking on the overpowering Simbelmynë, I sneezed.

Wormtongue gasped, 'Excuse me, is 'worser' even a word...?' - haphooOOOOMMMPPPHHsizzle

Wormtongue was gone, or more precisely was reduced to a pile of sizzling ashes. Also, the Simbelmynë smell was gone as well and I breathed in the fresh air. Unfortunately Jack happened to be breathing in my direction so I went into another coughing fit.

Swabtop blinked, 'Where'd he go?'

I scratched the back of my neck and looked down, 'Oh dear, not again...'

Swabtop stepped back, 'Well, he's certainly a fast little fellow. I'll give him that.'

I tapped his shoulder, 'Umm... Swabtop.' - I pointed towards his feet.

Swabtop said, 'Ohhhh... I was gonna say, I didn't even see him leave... '

I shrugged, 'About time, too. He always did annoy me.' And I walked into the Golden Hall of Théoden, past the ashes of Grima Wormtongue.

Jack whispered to Swabtop as he past him, 'The Nose, mate. It's The NOSE. Beware of The Nose!'

Swabtop said, 'Jack, you drink too much rum – I think you've been permanently intoxicated.'

Then Swabtop looked at the fort and gasped.

Before Jack could enter, Swabtop grabbed his shoulder, 'Jack, the Golden Hall! It's a castle!'

Jack blinked, 'Well mate, he is a King.' - His eyes widened. - 'Yo Ho! What if he's a Eunuch King! Oh my rum-tummies! A eunuch, at the reins of a country! Sad times these are...'

Swabtop protested, 'But it was a dinky fort! Now it's a castle! We aren't where we were before...'

I shouted, 'Come, Swabtop! Hey look, pink tapestries. Obviously Saruman at work.'

Merlin began to follow then gasped, 'Oh my goodness! We forgot King Arthur! We left him on the burial mound!'

Jack patted his arm, 'Just leave him, when he wakes up he'll think he's in a graveyard and wet his pants! snicker'

Merlin gasped in outrage. Swabtop smiled, 'Don't worry, we'll put out some sausage for him.'

That night we ate a decent meal, mostly because I made sure Théoden didn't lay eyes on us. Something is wrong with him, to be sure. Considering the Golden Hall is now the Pink-Rose-Scented Hall. But I did like the standing suits of armor. Merlin kept worring about weather 'those poor knights could even breathe, standing so stiffly in full body armor!'

That night, I awoke to a high-pitched screaming which ended with a sobbing, 'Mommy! I had a Accident...!' - silence - 'Oh look, sausage!'

Jack and Swabtop snickered the rest of the night, which was equally annoying, so – WHACK – and they were silent the rest of the evening. I guess Merlin is good for some things.

Gandalf the Grey

P.S. Don't worry, I'll get to the Ring Wraiths in my next letter. Fortunately we didn't run into them for yet another week. Probably experimenting on what would unclog their drains. I have my doubts about that Bubbling Action.

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Oh dear! Not pink tapestries!
Has Saruman really gone Decorating-Martha Stewart mad? Or is there some other crazy occurrence in the making? And if there is, do we REALLY want to know...?

Alright! Listen up my beautiful readers and reviewers!
I've decided to lay down a few things right now. I know some of you have given me suggestions and have yet to see them appear in any of the Letters. The reason for this (and you would know if you had already read my profile!) is that I originally wrote these Letters for a friend. When I started putting these Letters here, on fanfiction, I already had 20 written. That's right, twenty! So, if you don't see your suggestions don't freak out! I'm working them all in. I guess I should explain what kind of suggestions would be best: anywhere you want Gandalf to go, anyone you want Gandalf to meet, anyone you're just dying to see on the Funky Fellowship of the Ring, and anything you want Gandalf or the Fumky Fellowship members to do!

If you're still confused, go talk to Nota Lone – she's definitely got it down. A special thanks goes to her for all the suggestions she's thrown my way. In fact, she's wins her own personalized FUNKY FELLOWSHIP mug! That's right Nota Lone, you can drink coffee out of it and throw it at people who annoy you at the same time! YEA! Oh – and you're still eligible to win a bizarre variation of a gold star... so keep reviewing!

crazyrabidfangurl: What's a mellon nin? (Apparently I'm one of them!)

Hyperactive Forever: I'm glad you like my crazy eagles and awesome stuff, but you must be warned... there's more to come!

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