Do not own Orange Is The New Black or any of the characters.

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who had taken the time to review the last few chapters. I appreciate all the good and bad criticism. I understand where some of you are coming from. I might have jumped the shark a little with the Healy incident. But I am trying to bring the plot back around. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.

Just been writing how I have been feeling, you could say. but this is not about me. Just stick with me people, I have a plan.

But also, I don't know who you are but whoever wrote that lengthy review on the last chapter. I thank you. I have never gotten a review such like that. I appreciate the feedback you have given. It really helped me figure out where I want this story together. And I agree with you that I have lost control of this fic but am trying to steer it back in the right direction! :)

Anyways, enough of my rambling. On with the story.

Piper awoke with a start.

The blanket sometime within the few hours of sleep she had gotten, had fallen to the floor. She lay in her bed feeling completely exposed in just her grey baggy nightshirt. She was drenched in sweat. She had a nightmare. Her dreams since returning back from SHU had been up until this point about Pennsatucky and Taylor. But now Healy's image filled them.

"Morning Chapman!" spoke Nicky as she suddenly appeared and leaned against the wall of the bunk. "Welcome to the Subs!" She smiled warmly at Piper.

Piper just stared at Nicky for a moment, she was caught off guard by her sudden appearance. She then nervously pulled down the edge of her nightgown, covering her legs from the woman. "Hi Nicky," she murmured back. She hoped that Nicky was just popping in to say hi and would be leaving her soon. She still had to get dressed and didn't want for the other woman to see the marks on her legs.

"It's good to see you here. We were all worried about you while you were down in SHU," spoke Nicky as she continued to look on at Piper. "Especially, Vause. "

Piper's blue eyes widened slightly at this, "Why are you telling me this?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. She didn't understand why Nicky was telling her that she had been missed by Alex. She thought that Nicky was Alex's new plaything?

Nicky narrowed her eyes at the blonde for a second before her face broke out into a wide grin, realising what Piper thought. "Look, Chapman. I know shit went down between you and Alex at Christmas. But she never stopped loving you. She was a fucking mess while you where in SHU. She still is a fucking mess over you. I know you are going through you own stuff as well. SHU is a shit hole..." Nicky's voice trailed off slightly as she glanced over her shoulder before returning her attention onto Piper. "Look, Chapman, all I am saying is that you need to talk to someone about your feelings and shit. Because soon it's going to start eating away at ya. I'm not saying to run to Vause or anything. But you need a friend. And, she's a...good listener."

Nicky continued to look on at Piper for a second longer, before turning and leaving without another word. Nicky Nichols wasn't any match maker but she did hate to see her friends hurting like she knew Alex and Piper where. Prison was already depressing as it is. Everyone should have at least someone to lean on, while there. She had Lorna now again. She just wanted to return the favour to Alex.

Piper wanted to go back to bed but forced herself to get up after Nicky left and proceeded to get dressed, very slowly. She thought about skipping breakfast since she had already missed her early morning time slot. The cafeteria would be packed by this point. But since skipping dinner the night before, she knew she had to put something in her stomach.

"Say it again!"

"Say it again, Alex!" cried out Piper as she pressed herself up against Alex in the shower.

Alex just glared at her girlfriend. "Piper," she began to speak but was cut off.

Piper press a finger up to Alex's lips. A seductive smile appearing on her face as she continued to look on at Alex. "You know you wanna...Say it!" she teased as she pressed her lips against Alex's and trailed the pads of her fingers down the wet skin of Alex's torso.

Alex just rolled her eyes at Piper. She couldn't believe how childish Piper was acting at this moment. You say something one time and you never hear the end of it, she thought bitterly to herself as she continued to gaze on at Piper, who was till waiting for her.

"Please," she begged, sticking out her lower lip. A move that she knew Alex couldn't resist. "Say it!"

A low purr escaped from Alex's throat as she suddenly felt Piper's hand on her cunt. The younger woman's fingers were working the folds of her centre, gently parting them until she found her opening.

"Say it!" whispered Piper into Alex's ear as her mouth began to attack the side of her neck at the same time as she pressed her wet naked body up against her own. Her erected nipples brushing up against Alex's own. "Say it!" she whispered again, this time harshly as she bit down slightly on the pale skin of Alex's neck.

She then slid two fingers suddenly into Alex.

Alex immediately pressed her hands to Piper's waist at this, flexing her hips into her. Another moan escaping her lips as pleasure ran through her. She wanted Piper and badly.

Piper's fingers roughly pushed into her, quickly finding her g-spot. They rubbed up against her for a moment longer before sliding out completely.

She was teasing her.

Alex's green eyes begged for Piper to take her then and there.

However, Piper continued to tease her with light feathery touches. The blonde just smiled and shook her head slightly, back and forth. She wasn't going to give Alex what she wanted until she gave her what she wanted.

"Say it!"

"You need to eat more blondie," spoke Red as she handed Piper her tray. "You are starting to look like one of those supermodels on the runway. And that ain't a good thing!"

Piper didn't say anything in reply to the Russian woman as she took her tray and nodded her head slightly. She didn't need the lecture. She knew how thin she had become since SHU.

Just as she was turning away from the counter, someone suddenly grabbed the crook of her arm. Piper jumped slightly at the sudden touch. Her blue eyes widened as she looked to see who it was.

"Hey Chapman!" squeaked Morello, as she stared up at Piper. There was a warm smile on her face.

"Hi," murmured back Piper.

"You're eating with us today!" explained Morello as she continued to stir the blonde through the cafeteria and towards one of the tables by the window.

Piper was too taken back to say anything as Morello stopped suddenly in front of a table. It was the Suburbs' table.

"Look who I found!" squeaked Morello as she let go of Piper's arm and looked to the rest at the table. There was Nicky, Alex, Big Boo and Yoga Jones.

"Hey Chapman! how's it going?" cried out Big Boo in her normally loud voice. She smiled warmly at the blonde, who was still hovering at the front of the table, unsure whether she should sit or not.

"Take a seat Chapman," spoke Nicky towards Piper, gesturing to the only empty seat at the table. It was right across from Alex and beside Yoga Jones. "We won't bite, I promise!" She smiled genuinely up at Piper.

Piper frowned slightly as she looked quickly around at the others at the table before glancing over her shoulder. She, really had no where else to go. Sudden nerves washed over her but she tried not to let them show as she slid her tray onto the table and took the seat opposite of Alex.

Alex's eyes bore into Piper's. She smiled a small smile at her, "Hey Kid."

Piper looked at Alex for a second longer before down casting her eyes onto her food. She didn't know what to say to Alex. She still made her extremely nervous to be around. She could still feel Alex's eyes on her but she didn't dare to look up. She could feel the tears threatening to fall from the back of her eyes. She wanted to hate Alex for rejecting her at Christmas. But she no longer had the energy to do so. She just wanted Alex to love her again.

Neither of the two woman spoke a word to each other as they listen to the other conversations at the table. Piper kept her eyes down the entire time as she slowly ate her eggs, deep in thought. Her mind seemed to be a mush of emotions at the moment.

A few moments then passed before the conversation was once again drifted onto Piper. "So Chapman," spoke Nicky breaking the silence, "How are you liking the Subs so far? How was your first night?"

Piper's head immediately snapped up at this and looked towards Nicky. She didn't know how to answer this question. She had only spent one night there and had hated it. She had been thinking the entire time about Healy and the pain she was feeling. She didn't even remember who her bunkmate was. All she could think about was the taste of Healy in her mouth. How she wished she could go numb again and turn the world out. That's what cutting had been about. She had remembered a girl from high school telling her years ago about how it was about feeling something and blocking out the real pain you were feeling. That's how her first night had been. But she couldn't possibly tell them that.

"It was okay..." she murmured as she looked on at Nicky before once again looking down at her untouched food. She could feel that everyone was looking at her now, excepting her to say more. However, she didn't.

"How do you like Berry?" asked Morello, "She's a little strange but really a nice girl."

"Who?" asked Piper in puzzlement. She didn't know any Berry.

"Berry, Rose Berry," squeaked Morello as she leaned slightly into the table and over at Piper. "She's your bunkmate!"

"Oh!" cried out Piper, her blue eyes widening in realization. Her cheeks then flushed with embarrassment. After leaving Healy's office she had gone straight to the bathroom to throw up. She hadn't gone to her new bunk much later, when everyone was at dinner. Her bunkmate hadn't been there. She remembered briefly a tall lanky girl had introduced her self as her bunk mate later on but she didn't remember the girl's name.

Everyone at the table laughed at this except for Alex and Yoga Jones. Yoga Jones smiled kindly at her, sympathizing with her. The older woman had been trying to convince her to go back to yoga a few days ago. That it would help battle her inner demons. Piper had told her, she would think about. Piper glanced over at Yoga Jones at this before looking over at Alex, who had reached across the table and gave Piper's hand which was resting on the surface, a squeeze. Her green eyes once again boring into hers. "It's okay kid," she whispered.

Piper once again allowed herself to get lost in those green orbs of hers. There was a love and devotion for her being reflect in them. Piper didn't quite understand this though. She thought that Alex hated her. Why was she being so nice to her? wondered Piper to herself as she continue to lock eyes with Alex.

Alex was still holding her hand. It was an intimate moments between the two women.

However, it was quickly broken by Nicky. The blonde's booming laughter interrupted the them,once again drawing Piper back to reality. She thought that she was laughing at her for a moment as she pulled her hand away from Alex's and looked over to the other woman. However, Nicky wasn't laughing at either her or Alex. She was laughing at something that Morello had said. She then watched as Nicky draped her arm casually over Morello's shoulder , pulling the smaller woman slightly into her. She frowned in confusion at this. It looked like Morello and her were a couple or something. But wasn't she with Alex?

She could feel the redness creeping up her neck as she continued to watch the couple, realization setting in. She had been wrong this whole time. She had thought that Nicky and Alex were an item. The way she had seen them sitting on Alex's bunk at Christmas, so intimately like Piper had been just a few days before hand. She had just assumed.

"Chapman, what's wrong?" asked Nicky as she noticed the look playing off on Piper's face. "Never seen two lesbians before?" She meant it as a joke but Piper didn't seen it that way.

"It's...it's just that... I thought..." She stumbled over her words in a panic as her eyes looked from Nicky to Alex and back. "I...I dunno."

"What you thought me and Vause were an item or something?" asked Nicky, an amused look appearing on her face at this. "Hear that Vause!" She turned her attention on to Alex and pushed her playfully in the shoulder.

Alex didn't say anything as this as she looked briefly over at Nicky before looking back at Piper. She didn't find this to be very amusing as Nicky found it. Piper was blushing with embarrassment yet again for being pointed out on her mistake. Alex, then reached out and took Piper's hand yet again. She needed to set the record straight. "Pipes, me and Nicky weren't ever together."

"Well, I wouldn't say we weren't ever together. There was at least two times..." interjected Nicky.

"Nicky! shut the fuck up!" hissed Alex as she glared over at Nicky before looking back over at Piper. This wasn't the time or place to be bringing up the two times that they had been together. Piper was still allowing her to hold her hand but she wasn't looking at her anymore. Her eyes were focused on her food.

"Pipes," whispered Alex tenderly to the blonde. "Look at me." She wanted to look into Piper's face and tell her how she had never stopped loving her. That she still loved her. "Pipes," she whispered again as she leaned over her tray of food and closer in to Piper.

It was then that Piper slowly lifted her head and locked eyes with Alex. Her eyes were filled with emotion as she looked back at Alex. Piper didn't understand why Alex was being nice to her all the sudden. Maybe she wasn't with Nicky but didn't she hate her still for picking Larry over her? Wasn't she suppose to not come running to her ever again with her problems? Wasn't she done dealing with her shit? Piper's brows were knitted together in puzzlement as she continued to glare at Alex.

"Pipes," whispered the older woman again. She smiled slightly at Piper. She could clearly tell that Piper was struggling with something at the moment. She just wanted to be there to help her through it. Whatever it was. There was so much Alex wanted to say to her at that moment but no words came to mind. She couldn't seen to express her feelings for this broken and hurt woman before her. "I heart you!" she whispered, her voice was low so only Piper could hear her. She knew that they had an audience at the table but she ignored them. All her attention was on Piper, who she was hoping would finally let her in.

This confession though, just made Piper even more confused. "I don't understand," replied Piper as she suddenly pulled her hand away from Alex's. A sudden rage came over her. She didn't like to get mislead. "I thought you hated me. You said to stay away and now..." Her voice trailed off as she tried to get a barring on her thoughts. "I don't understand. I chose Larry over you...and you said to stay away...to never come running to you again...ever...but now?" Her blue eyes continued to study Alex's face, looking for an answer. This was the most she had spoken to Alex in months. It was the most she had spoken to anyone really. But at that moment, she needed an answer.

"I did," stated Alex as she leaned back in her seat and ran a hand through her hair. Her eyes briefly looking away from Piper and at the others at the table, who were pretending to be in their own discussion. But Alex knew that they were listening in. She never imaged she would be having this conversation with Piper in the cafeteria but here they were. This might be her only chance to say this to Piper. She wasn't going to back down now.

"I did say those things to you. And at the time I meant it," her attention was once back on Piper. "I was mad at you for choosing Larry. You were right. But then shit happened Kid. You got stabbed and sent away to SHU. I didn't know the fuck what was going on. But the moment I heard about what happened, all that shit that I said early , went out the window. I was worried about you. You were gone from my life again and I didn't like it." Her green eyes brimmed with tears at the sudden emotion that washed over her but she blinked them away. This wasn't the time to cry. She needed to remain strong for Piper's sake.

Piper was silent as she listened to the older woman's confession. This seemed to change everything. For this whole time she had been fighting her feelings for Alex because she had thought she had moved on with Nicky and that she didn't love her anymore. But she had been wrong. Alex had never stopped loving her. She was never with Nicky. Piper had just made it all up in her head. Silent tears fell down her cheeks but she didn't bother to brush them away. Her eyes continued to pour into Alex's. Piper didn't know what to say to any of this. She was confused.

She desperately wanted to tell Alex that she loved her too. That there was no Larry anymore in the picture. That she didn't love him. That she only loved her. That it had always been Alex. She desperately wanted to tell her about Healy. About the pain she was feeling. About the cuts burning on her inner thigh. But then a feeling of shame washed over her that she couldn't shake. Alex wouldn't want this person she had become. This pathetic mess of a human being. She was damaged goods. SHU had fucked her up. Healy had fucked her up. The moment Alex saw how messed up she was, she would leave her. Especially when she saw the ugliness that had become her body. From the bones sticking out. To the scares on her stomach. To the cuts on her thigh. She was no longer the hot, sexy , blonde 22 year old girl she had picked up at the bar all those years ago. And as soon as Alex realized this, she would change her mind. A part of Piper, knew this was just her mind playing games with her but the other part believed every word of it. She couldn't shake the idea away.

Piper suddenly bit down on her lower lip as she tore her eyes away from Alex. She didn't know what to say really but before she even could say something, the sound of the bell went off. Indicating that breakfast was over.

As the other began to rise from the table, Alex stayed seated looking on at Piper. She was holding her breath, waiting for the blonde to say something in reply.

"You coming?" asked Nicky towards Alex as she slowly got to her feet and looked from Alex to Piper and back.

"Yeah, in a minute," whispered Alex, waving her hand in the air, indicating for Nicky to leave. That she would follow shortly. She was still waiting on Piper, though.

"Pipes," she whispered again, hoping to get Piper's attention.

"You should go," replied Piper as she slowly lifted her head and locked eyes with Alex. "You will be late for work." She held Alex's gaze for a second longer before suddenly grabbing her tray and rising to her feet.

And with that, Piper left Alex once again.

"Aarrggh," moaned out Alex in frustration as she threw her head back against the shower wall and closed her eyes briefly. Her body craved Piper's touch. But Piper wasn't giving it to her.

She wasn't use to this change of control. She wasn't use to having the table reversed like this on her.

"Come on baby," whispered Piper, the tip of her tongue running along the inside of Alex's ear. "Just say it! You know you want too. Just say it and then I will give you what you want!"

Piper's teeth then latched on suddenly to the lope of Alex's ear, nibbling down on it slightly as she trailed a hand along the base of her right breast. Her other hand continued to rub at Alex's pussy. Her finger every so often gazing her clit.

"Oh, baby, you're wet!" observed Piper, as she once again slide a finger into Alex. "I bet you are close to coming, aren't you?" She asked as she added another finger. Her hand now cupped Alex's breast and tugged roughly at the nipple. "Say it! and I will let you come!"

Alex had her hands pressed onto Piper's shoulders for support as she lifted her leg and wrapped it around Piper's waist, making Piper's touch go deeper within her. She allowed for the pleasure and warmth to build up, until she could not fight the urge any longer. She could feel her orgasm coming.

"Say it!"

Piper now had three finger moving rapidly in and out of her. She let out another groan before letting her self go. She could not longer fight Piper's control on her body. "I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" she cried out.

"Fuck!" she moaned as pleasure washed over her. Every nerve in her body seemed to be alive at that moment as she climaxed. "I fucking love you, Piper Chapman!"

Her body then went limp against Pipers. She dropped her leg and clung to the young woman for support.

"I love you too!" laughed Piper as she removed her hands from Alex and held her in her arms as she tried to catch her breathe. "I fucking love you, Alex Vause!" she whispered as she pressed a kiss to her temple.

Since Piper hadn't been assigned a job yet, she didn't know what quite to do with her time. She needed a distraction but she had nothing. There was still all her things she had to go through and reorganise. Taystee had gathered all her things and kept it for her until she got back in the dorms. But she didn't have the heart to do so. There were things in there she didn't wanted to be reminded of...not yet that was. She thought about going for a run on the track but it was raining.

She was trying her best not to think about the cuts on her thighs and the small razor blade she had used last night. She was trying to resist the urge to use again. She was trying to deal with her pain but was struggling. After her encounter with Alex in the cafeteria, she was feeling more heartbroken then ever. But her feelings were no longer directed at Alex. But at herself.

She hated what she was doing to her body. She hated how she looked nowadays. She hated that she couldn't allow herself to be loved, anymore. She hated how she allowed her self to be the victim to Healy. There had been a point when she could stand up for herself and fight. But she had lost that ability. She could no longer stand up at Pennsatucky or Healy. She hated that she was a pathetic fuck up. She hated everything about who she was now. She no longer knew who she was.

Piper was seated on top of her mattress, slamming her back against the wall. The dorm was empty except for the odd person. Everyone else was at work. Tears of self- hatred falling down her cheeks like waterfalls. Her hands gripped at the material of her uniform. Her knuckles were white but she ignored it. She was trying to resist the urge to reach for the small blade that she had hidden in a small tin, she kept hair ties in.

She couldn't do it again. She couldn't go there again. She had to be strong. She needed to move passed this, she kept on telling herself.

She just wanted to be Piper Chapman again. The Piper Chapman that she knew before Litchfield, before Larry. She wanted to be the Piper Chapman that Alex had fallen in love with all those years ago. The hot, sexy, blonde 22 year old, who had the world at her feet. Life had seemed like an endless adventure back then.

But now, all she saw was darkness. Fucking darkness.

There was no fucking light at the end of the tunnel from where she stood.

Only fucking darkness.

Thanks for reading and please review!

Julie