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PS: tissue warning.

Chapter 11: Agony

EPOV

It hurt like a bitch. It was stinging and to say the sensation was weird, was an understatement. Her hand was squeezing my neck and I couldn't breathe as her nails penetrated my skin.

I realized that something awful was about to happen and maybe, for the first time, I understood her worries. I should have listened to her and not to my seventeen year old hormonal body. She knew better. She knew her limits and I pushed them, and now…if I couldn't talk her out of it…I'd probably be drained of blood in seconds.

I could see the head titles: Teenaged boy body found in abandoned cottage. Suspicious wounds on his neck.

"Bella, it's me," I tried to reason with her. I had never been so scared of her. "Umm you don't want to do that."

Her red eyes were scorching and watching me wildly, frenzied, unsure where to bite probably. As the pressure on my neck doubled, I resolved to shouting.

"BELLA! Bella, please! I love you!"

And then, she told me to leave. I never thought it was possible to go from the top of the mountain to the bottom so fast. Seconds ago, I was experiencing the most surreal things of my life, touching Bella, tasting Bella, being inside Bella…and now, because I'd never listened to what I was told, I had to go in order to stay alive.

I dressed quickly, and with a final glance at her, I was out of her house. I had no idea how I made it home, but it was dusk when I opened the front door.

"Studying late, again?" Mom asked from the kitchen as I tried to subtly go up the stairs and clean my neck. "Edward?" She wanted an answer to her stupid question.

I groaned and looked up the stairs then to the kitchen. I had to hide my wounded neck somehow.

"Be right back!" I shouted and sprinted up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom.

I looked in the mirror and felt my stomach revolting. There were two punctures on the right side of my neck, one close to my jaw and another one under my left ear. I had dried blood on my neck and shirt and I could see it oozing from the two spots that were bigger. I could tell Mom I cut myself while shaving, although I didn't have hair on my neck. Fuck! I was in trouble.

"Edward! What are you doing there? I need to talk to you!" Mom shouted from downstairs.

"HOLD ON!" I hollered back, still staring at my neck. I found some alcohol and put a little on a cotton ball then touched it to my neck. "HOLY FUCK!" I shouted and stuffed my fist in my mouth, hopping around, tears brimming in my eyes. That wasn't a good idea. It stung like hell. At least, it got the job done. I wasn't getting infected. It stopped the bleeding after I cleaned it with some water. I tiptoed to my room and stripped my shirt, throwing it under my bed and picking a turtleneck shirt then finally going downstairs.

"Finally!"

"Sorry, Mom. Uhh emergency," I mumbled, turning red. She could think whatever she wanted of that piece of information.

"Are you okay, now?" she asked, concerned.

"Yep."

"Good. I need you to make a trip to La Push and bring me the fish from Sue. She called me earlier, but I was at work. I came home and started the dinner, but I still need to add it."

I nodded and left. All the way there, I kept wondering how Bella was. I hoped she wasn't blaming this on herself. I couldn't wait until later tonight when she came to visit.

I parked in front of the little yellow house and rushed to the door since I hadn't thought to grab a jacket and it was pretty cold this spring. The house was so close to the ocean, making it even colder.

The door opened and Leah gasped in surprise, looking at me shocked. I pushed inside past her.

"Hey, I'm here to get the fish."

"Oh right," she said softly, somewhat disappointed. "Couldn't have showered before dropping by, could you?"

"Would you stop this? Everyone smells fine to me!"

"To you, I suppose," she giggled. "The cold ones smell sickeningly sweet. Like caramels, honey, candies, chocolate, sherbet and old grandma wearing a whole bottle of a flowery perfume – all in one."

I couldn't help but laugh at her little outburst. "Must be better than the wet dog smell," I said it before I realized it would hurt her. "Shit. I'm sorry, Leah."

"Yeah, it's okay." She shrugged then her eyes lit up. "Do I really smell that bad to her?"

"Yeah, you do. I have to scrub thoroughly after I'm near you or Jake."

"That's great news." She handed me the bag with the fish.

"It is?" I asked, confused.

"And you're meeting her now?" she asked, eagerly.

"Not now, now…" I trailed off, unsure if I should tell her about nightly routine. "But I'll see her soon."

"Amazing!" She flung herself at me and hugged me tightly, rubbing her cheek on my chest. "There," she beamed after taking a few steps back. "Now, you smell better."

I rolled my eyes and turned to go. My hand didn't reach the door handle as she grasped it. One hand on my arm, one tugging my turtleneck down, her eyes and mouth open in horror.

"It's not…" I whimpered, trying to shake from her grip.

Leah was shaking so much I was sure she'd phase in front of me. I'd had enough adrenaline for one day.

"You're not leaving," she hissed, her voice trembling. "How are you feeling? How could she do it? She promised!"

"It's not what you think!" I yelled over her growls.

"Edward, I know a bite when I see it!"

"Based on what? She doesn't have fangs!" I was aware my voice was too loud and hysteric even to my ears.

She blinked at me. "No?"

"NO!" I snatched my arm from hers and pulled my turtleneck in place. "And don't tell anyone about this."

"Then what the hell is it?"

"Could you two keep your voices down? I have a pape… She bit him?" Seth asked from the doorway of his room, his eyes bugging out.

What was wrong with them? Then I looked at my hand and saw the blood. The wounds were open and bleeding.

"What was in her stinky head?" Leah snapped and pulled me to the bathroom. "Seth, come here, I need help!" she yelled to her brother. "Take it off," Leah told me harshly.

"Sorry?" I asked.

"Your shirt. Off."

I obliged, praying she wouldn't see other marks I hadn't noticed yet. I stayed quiet as she used some sort of rough stone on my wounds, it burnt, but it stopped the bleeding. She told me it was called Alum. As I held the stone to the spots on my throat, she put some kind of miraculous detergent on my shirt. We used the blow dryer to dry my shirt.

When I arrived home, I had been gone for about an hour. I gave Mom the fish.

"I thought you went to catch them!" she chuckled.

"Ehh no…I talked with Leah and Seth."

She nodded, smirking at me. I didn't want too much to read into that. After Dad came home and we ate dinner, I went to my room half expecting to find Bella in there. I checked my phone, but there was nothing so I showered, hoping to take the Leah-smell off. It was close to eleven when I called Bella for the first time, getting no answer from her. It wasn't until the first rays of daylight that I realized she had blamed herself and was probably long gone by now.

I thought of going to her house, but the image of the empty house made my head spin. Or maybe, there was no house at all and I had lived a dream for the past four months. I turned the lock of my door and put the blanket over my head, remembering everything, playing it scene by scene in my head – from the first time I saw her, last year, until yesterday.

Mom didn't check on me before leaving for work and I was okay with that. Actually, I didn't really care about anything else. I felt like suffocating which was a sure sign of a panic attack. I couldn't live without Bella. I needed her more than the air I breathed. I couldn't conceive a day without her, let alone forever? That's when the panic settled in and I started gasping for air, clawing at my sheets and thumping my feet on the bed like a stubborn little girl. I couldn't accept this. She was going to call. She was going to be at school. That thought made me smile and I rushed through my morning routine, grabbing some food then driving to school, ready to apologize for my insistence. She had known better and I had pushed her limits.

I didn't see her car, so I waited, leaning against mine. The bell rang and I never made it inside. When I heard the bell again, signaling the end of the first class, I felt burning around my eyes and ducked inside the car, driving home. I had no idea how I made it back in one piece, because when I was close to the road that led to her house in the forest, I broke down, my vision blurry. Once home, I went back to my room, locking the door once again and curling in the corner and allowing the news to settle in while I sobbed.

I hadn't cried like this since I was five years old and my parakeet died. It had been my fault, once again because I had used the slingshot inside the house while playing with Jacob.

Another sob ripped through me and I wasn't sure why I was crying anymore. It always happened like this: I started to cry because of something and then I remembered all the things that ever made me cry and I let it go.

After a while, my throat raw and face blotchy, I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, trying to breathe, which proved difficult; my nostrils were blocked. I kept inhaling until I ended up swallowing my snot, which seemed incredibly funny at that moment. I couldn't stop laughing until all the crying, not eating much, and the snot tried to crawl back out. I made it to the bathroom in time. Of course, when you throw up, tears spring to your eyes. That resulted in another round of crying on the cold tile of the bathroom, and this round didn't seem to end. There were so many memories from when I was sick and how Bella had taken care of me. Even the tile reminded me of her – being a warm brown – and to the touch, it was freezing cold.

After throwing up again, I managed to cleanse my mouth and crawl back to my room, to the corner. I felt like this was my punishment for forcing Bella to do something she was sure she couldn't. It wasn't long before I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks again.

A knock on my door, startled me and I realized I hadn't locked the door after my bathroom trip.

"Edward, honey? I got a call from school," Mom whispered stepping inside the room. "Are you in here?"

Oh right, she couldn't see me since I was behind the door. Maybe, if I was quiet, she'd go away.

"I swear, you've been so reckless since you met Bella!" she grumbled and the door started closing.

A scream of agony, probably, escaped me and the sobs erupted more violently than earlier. Suddenly, Mom was next to me, raising my chin and looking at me in concern.

"Edward!" she exclaimed and hugged me to her chest. I clutched at her shirt, bawling like a little kid, welcoming her warm scent and everything that was her – Mom. I needed her more than ever. "What happened, my baby?" She stroked my hair, my face, wiped my tears.

I squeezed my eyes, wondering if I could tell her that Bella broke up with me. I hadn't thought those exact words until then so as I started crying harder. I knew I wasn't going to talk any time soon. Mom seemed to understand and wrapped her arms around me, rocking us softly. I pressed my face to her chest, willing the tears to stop falling. I hated being so weak.

As I calmed down, I became aware of footsteps coming closer, hushed words spoken and a door gently closing. Yeah, Dad didn't like to see his girl crying. I raised a hand to wipe my nose as I lay there quietly, listening to Mom's breathing and heartbeat.

And because she had a sadistic side, she started singing softly and I burst in a new round of tears. I didn't deserve anyone.

I woke up on my bed and wondered how I had gotten there. I rubbed my eyes, trying to unfasten my lids. I tried not to think of yesterday, but kept having flashes of me bawling in the corner of the room. There was a note on my nightstand and I reached for it, feeling incredibly weak. I hadn't eaten much, thrown up twice, then there was the crying. Who thought crying could be exhausting? They say it brings relief. Yeah, right. It brings relief, my ass. I wanted nothing more than to put the pillow over my head and continue where I'd left it last night.

I talked with the Principal and you can stay home this week. Mom took some free time to stay with you.

I hope you are better.

Dad

Mom was home? For me? I really didn't deserve them. When I looked again at the nightstand, I saw a glass of milk and two muffins under a napkin. I wasn't going to let the tears fall for something so little.

When I heard movement from the rocking chair near the window, I shot up with the stupidest smile on my face, which fell the second I saw it was only Mom, sleeping in the most painful position ever.

The sob caught in my throat and I wasn't sure why I was crying – because Bella wasn't there or because Mom loved me so much that she stayed so close to me the whole night. I had probably freaked her out yesterday.

I wondered if I could get her in bed. She couldn't possibly be that heavy. Although, with my two left feet and clumsy hands, I managed to wake her up before I could try to move her.

"Edward, honey, what are you doing?" she asked, surprised to see me hovering over her.

"I…wanted to move you to the bed." My voice was husky for not being used in so long.

She cupped my cheek and smiled weakly. Then she reached for my hand and tugged me to sit on her lap.

"Remember when I used to come here when you were little and you had a nightmare? I'd rock you the whole night," she whispered gently in my hair.

I put my head on her shoulder and watched a tear traveling down my nose and falling between us.

"What happened?" she whispered.

I knew this was coming. I gave her an honest answer. "I messed up."

"You hurt her?" she questioned softly, never accusing me.

Define hurt, I thought to myself. "Not physically."

"Edward, Bella is a sweetheart and she would forgive you. I'm sure of that."

"Mo-om." I hiccupped and hugged her tighter. "I think…she left."

"Where would she go? Don't be silly, now. Don't worry if she won't answer the phone for a few days - that's how girls are. You'll be back together in no time."

"Mom, it's my fault!" I tried to make her understand.

"You have to admit that to her and apologize. Maybe you should buy her flower-"

"MOM! Bella wasn't comfortable with…" I closed my mouth and opened it then closed it again. "I forced her, okay?" It was a horrible thing to say, but it was kinda true.

And there it came. Right in my poor left ear. "EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN!" And then the slap across my face came. After which came the lecture.

I took it all, with my head tucked in my chest. I enjoyed every slap and every tug at my hair. I needed them. It wasn't right to lie like that to Mom, but I couldn't tell her that we both wanted it and Bella was scared of hurting me so I lied and I endured the consequences.

Once she stopped yelling and her chest was heaving as if she had run a marathon, her eyes narrowed at me. "You actually didn't do anything. I hope," she seethed. "Edward, you didn't!" Mom gasped outraged when I didn't answer. "What have I taught you? I've raised you better than this!"

I raised a finger, trying to mollify my lie and deny that I actually had sex with Bella. Mom slapped my finger away. "Don't you try finding excuses! What you did is inexcusable! No wonder the poor girl left! And she had no one! Don't you have a heart? I can't believe you're my son! What happened to you Edward? It's like you've lost your mind since you started dating Bella!"

"Mom…"

"Don't you 'Mom' me!" she snapped and whirled around. In the doorway she stopped and turned to look at me. I had never seen her so angry. Never. "Tell me – and I mean, CONFIRM IT – that you used protection."

I gulped, my whole face caught fire. I hated sex talk. I didn't hear her words because they were too high for human ears to comprehend what she said, but I heard my door slamming so hard that a picture fell from the wall.

I needed to pat myself on the back for what had happened. I fell on the rocking chair and sighed, putting my hands in my hair and pulling at it.

Time passed relatively quickly and extremely quietly after that. I went to school, hoping, whishing, Bella would appear. It never happened. Mom was avoiding me at all costs while Dad was trying to pacify us, always ending up sleeping on the couch. I told him to give it up before something else happened. I was sure I couldn't survive if one of them left the house. It was already tense around here, but with them fighting too, I couldn't take it.

Leah visited one day and she learned what had happened after my visit to her house. She dropped by every day after that. Until Mom found us in my room, working over homework and had a hissy fit about me being alone with her. Leah didn't know the details of Bella's departure. After that, we moved our studying sessions to the living room where Mom could see us. That was a little extreme.

Like I was thinking of that! I couldn't even concentrate on school, I was always thinking of Bella, wondering where she was, how she was… I held a single ray of hope, knowing she couldn't feed from anyone else, she'd come back to me. Every morning, I checked my wrists, but they never hurt or had any sign of being injured. Every night, I stayed up for as long as I could keep my eyes open, crying in my pillow and wishing I could turn back time.

About three weeks after my meltdown, I was on the couch with Leah, helping her with Calculus. We were sitting next to each other and I was leaning against her, explaining how she should do it. I saw it with the corner of my eye, how she kept glancing at me or, more accurately – my lips.

"Do you understand, now?" I asked, turning my head to her.

She leaned closer. "I guess." She smiled, but her black eyes locked on my lips like a blind man at the sun.

I knew what she wanted and I thought about what I was going to do before I acted. At least, one of us should be happy. I pecked her lips – just brushing them with mine.

"You're welcome." I moved on my side of couch and returned to my abandoned English essay.

"Edward, you-"

"I thought you wanted to," I said nonchalantly. I felt my heart hammering wildly in my chest. I had a burning feeling in my stomach. I felt like I was cheating on Bella.

"Why the sudden change of heart? I'm not your last resort!"

"I never said that. I realized you deserve to be happy."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" I countered, throwing my book to the floor.

"Do you even like me?" Leah asked softly.

"I wouldn't have kissed you if I found you repulsive." Girls were confusing.

"Let me get this straight, you'd kiss me because you know I want you to and you want me to be happy."

"A small correction," I quipped. "I'd do more than kiss you if you want. I really want you to be happy."

"More?" she squeaked.

I rolled my eyes. "Like…get you from school, help you with homework," I nodded to the papers on the coffee table, "take you out for ice cream…" I shrugged. "Kiss you." I put a grin on for effect.

I came to hate her super speed. I didn't even see her jumping on me and suddenly, she was straddling my lap and kissing me. There was something different and I knew it was the way we were kissing. French kissing. Something I never experienced with Bella. I sniffed as softly as I could, hoping she wouldn't notice, but she did and took my head in her hands.

"Now, this is the part you tell me something got in your eyes or I suck at kissing or… that you still love her…" Leah told me, eyeing me concerned.

I dropped my eyes and blinked quickly, trying to get rid of the tears. It didn't work. More came.

"I feel like a pussy," I mumbled and wiped my eyes.

"Can you tell me what really happened?" she asked gently, sitting next to me.

I told her everything, skipping as fast as I could over the sex part. There were wet splotches on my grey sweatpants by the time I finished with what Mom misunderstood.

"But you don't even know if she left!" Leah exclaimed.

"Why else wouldn't she call or come to school?"

"She's a freaking vampire! She doesn't have to socialize! She simply exists. Unfortunately."

I glared at her and she smiled weakly, shrugging an apology.

"As for your mother…you should tell her the truth. Does she even know about your neck? Or you didn't rape Bella, just pressured her?"

"She hasn't looked at me ever since! I doubt she'd notice if I died."

"Don't say such things! And you should talk to her, tell her the parts she can understand."

"I can see that conversation going very well. 'Hey, Mom, I have to tell what really happened with Bella.' She won't look at me and I'd start rambling, adding something like, 'Oh, yeah, by the way, Bella's a vampire. Cool, eh?' Is this what you want me to tell her?"

"Not in so many words, but yes. You could skip the vampire part."

"I may actually say it, loud and clear. I'd probably get her attention that way."

We stared at each other for a few minutes we doubled over in laughter. It felt good to laugh. I hadn't laughed in a long time.

After she left, I didn't get the courage to tell Mom anything. I stood in the doorway of the kitchen for at least half an hour, opening and closing my mouth, trying to find the best way to approach the subject. When I plucked up my courage, Mom brushed past me, up the stairs. I wondered how long she could keep this no talking thing up. She was my mother, after all!

I idly wondered if she'd talk with me if I got sick or accidentally cut my finger or something. I was desperate to hear her speak to me, to see her look at me, to have her make me muffins – to just have her back. Dad was making a personal effort to leave work at six and be home to eat dinner with me. I appreciated it, but when he had cases to resolve, I ended up eating alone in my room or, more often lately, found myself having dinner at Leah's house.

We hadn't really said the words, but everyone guessed what was going on. Everything seemed to proceed fairly normally pretty normal between us, although I wasn't present one hundred percent. Until one day in late April, when I was working with Jake on his car.

Leah dropped by with food and Jake, as always, wriggled his eyebrows at me. I flipped him off and kissed her lips once, as had become our 'hello'.

"What's for dinner?" I asked, taking the bag from her hand.

"Mac and cheese."

"Oh, man! I love it"! Jacob shouted and snatched the bag from my hands.

There were only two containers, but I was used to sharing mine with Leah. She always had an extra fork.

We took a seat inside the car and started eating. I was in the passenger's seat with her on my lap as Jake sat behind the wheel.

"It should be done soon," he contemplated, looking out the windscreen.

"Did you find the plugs?" I asked, taking a bite from the delicious food. She really could cook.

"No, but Sam promised to look for them next time he goes to Seattle."

I kept asking him what parts he still needed until Leah groaned.

"Can you two talk about something else? Or at least, talk in English! I don't speak car language."

"We're speaking English, Lee," I whispered. She always liked when I called her like that, and now was no different; she sagged against my chest and sighed.

But I ruined the moment big time with my next words. "Bella knew cars." The words tumbled out of my mouth on their own accord, taking me and everyone else by surprise. The effect was immediate and painful. Leah left the car, nearly smashing her head to the ground when her leg caught on my foot and I put my hand over my eyes, hoping Jacob wouldn't see the tears.

"Man, have you tired…going to her house?" he asked quietly.

"She told me to LEAVE! She doesn't want me!"

"That's because you took it that way!" Leah yelled. I thought she had left. "You men are clueless sometimes! She told you to leave because she was afraid of hurting you further or that's what I hope," she mumbled the last part.

"Then why hasn't she come to me? Once she was calm and in control?" I challenged, getting out of the car.

"I can't answer that!" she spat in my face. "I'm not a vampire, Edward! I'm sorry for that! I truly am, but all I am is a wet dog."

"Leah…"

"DON'T! I should have known. I knew it would come to this. It didn't work. You tried to make me happy, but are you happy?"

"Doesn't matter. I don't matter," I hissed.

"You matter. A lot. Edward, I love you. That's why I am going to talk with your leech and make her see sense!" She whirled around, her tears splashing as she ran out of the garage.

I was gaping after her. She loved me? I felt awful for everything. I should have never tried to be with her. It wasn't even working. I knew what it was to be with someone and what I was doing with Leah was…what five year old kids do. Hold hands on the beach, eat ice cream and steal an innocent kiss.

I needed Bella and her passionate love, the almost carnal feeling of having her in my arms, kissing her. I couldn't forget how she looked when we made love. That image haunted me. She was radiant.

"What happened to him?" I heard a vaguely familiar voice.

"He's been like this for a while," someone answered. I recognized the voice as Jacob's. "I think it's hysterics."

"What brought this on?" the first person asked. The voice was so warm and familiar, but I couldn't really focus on my surroundings.

"A talk about…Bella."

"Oh, for God's sake! Not again! Get him inside."

"Man, help me now. I can't carry you up the stairs. It would look weird."

We were home. How did we get here? I hiccupped violently and grasped the banister, lowering myself on the stairs. I heard Jacob mumbling something and then a door closing.

"It looks like you have more to tell me."

I raised my head and saw Mom through blurry eyes. She had been the familiar voice.

"I shouldn't have…It just came back…If I hadn't thought…"

"Edward! Take a breath, honey. Breathe."

I took a breath, but felt like suffocating. I shouldn't have let this built inside me, but I relied on being with Leah and thought the bad thoughts were gone. I was mistaken.

"Now, can you talk?" I felt her hand on mine and I squeezed it with both of mine.

"Mom," I whimpered. "I can't tell you."

"Don't be silly. I have to understand this. It looks like you were more hurt than I thought, in the process."

"It's not really the way you interpreted it. I can't tell you! Please, you won't understand."

"Try to stop crying. You'll be okay." She brushed my tears away and kissed my forehead. When she rose, I thought she'd leave so I held on her hand tightly.

"I'm going to bring you something good. Stay here." She returned quickly with a glass of water and two small pills. "Let's get you to bed, first."

"I don't need those!"

"Trust me, you need them. Everyone had been though a break up, Edward. You'll be fine. Time heals the wound."

She led me to my room and I slumped on the bed, taking the pills dutifully. I didn't want to believe her. I knew there would be no one else for me. I knew it because I had tried it with Leah and…it backfired on me.

In the morning, I woke up to loud pounding in the front door. I decided to ignore it, but the person was insistent as hell. Whatever Mom had given me, it made me groggy and barely able to walk. On my way to the door, I rubbed at my eyes violently, wishing I could see more than two feet in front of me. I should stop crying before going to bed.

When I opened the door, I couldn't help but close it immediately back. I was sure it was my brain playing games with me. Bella couldn't be there, but she was outside my door and after opening and closing it a few times, we started shouting and my silly joke about the living dead seemed to do the trick. She flung herself at me and hugged me tightly. I didn't have the heart to tell her it hurt, because honestly, I'd take any pain just to have her back.

When I realized Leah was behind this, I got angry, completely forgetting our shouting contest in the garage. I should have known she'd do something like this. I didn't quite get her analogy with the flower, but Bella seemed to understand it and like it enough to come into the sun and stop a few inches from Leah. For a second, I thought she'd hug her, but they thought better of it and just smiled at each other. Seth was in awe at seeing Bella sparkling, Jake couldn't keep his eyes off her sparkling legs and the boyfriend in me reacted. I stripped my shirt and wrapped it around her waist, making everyone laugh.

I shrugged in dismay. At least, everything was okay, and who would have guessed that something like this could bring vampires and werewolves together?

Alum in powder or crystal form, or in styptic pencils, is sometimes applied to cuts to prevent or treat infection.

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