CHAPTER 11

~Kurt's POV~

I walk back into the school acting like nothing happened, this place never brought any comfort to me, but somehow made me more anxious. I step my foot into the building I could feel my depression creeping in and my anxiety it felt like it was choking me. The worst part was the bigger mask I had to put on my face for the public. At this point that was what school meant to me in a broad statement. Put on that mask that helps you smile and don't you dare show one sign of weakness. I wore long sleeves to cover up my scars, and sunglasses to cover up my eyes that were so red from crying.

My locker had words of "encouragement" written on it, to say the least. I felt no encouragement I wanted to crawl back into bed for the rest of my life. 'you deserve to die', ' Nobody likes you!'. Yeah, my school was a safe place alright. I just put my bag away and got what I needed from in there, and then went to the getting my food which I didn't really want to eat in the first place. I knew had to eat something. After searching for a place to sit, I spotted Rachel across the way so I went to where she was sitting.

"Good weekend?" She questioned.

"Sure," I said with sarcasm.

"Well that doesn't sound good, I figured since you didn't answer my calls," she replied.

"I'm sorry." I apologized.

"What's going on, it's the middle of spring and you are wearing a long sleeve that's not like you."

"This break is hitting me hard okay, can we talk about something else? "

"I thought you wanted the break?"

"I wanted a loyal boyfriend that doesn't cheat," I stated.

I felt a heavy sigh escape my mouth. This was killing me on the inside. I needed him so bad, my body craving him in ways that I can't put into words. I yearned for his love and attention but now that feels like a distant memory. To have Finn hold me, love me, tell me everything's going to be alright but I couldn't stand the sight of him. The nights were long and I wasn't getting any sleep. I wouldn't even let myself doze off.

"I'm sorry…" Rachel emphasized.

"It's not your fault" I mumbled before taking a drink of the orange juice on my tray. "This break is dreadful. I know I did the right thing, but something is still unpleasant from being away from him." I admitted.

"What would that be?" She asks.

"I don't know…" I lied. Only Finn and my dad know about the demons in my head. For some reason, I didn't feel like I needed to tell Rachel, Mercedes, and Tina. Yes, I knew I could trust them with basically my whole life however not everyone needed to know what went on in my mind. "It's worse than breaking up with Blaine, I'll tell you that."

We finish our breakfast heading into the first period of the day. Rachel and I passed by Finn's locker but he wasn't there. I found it strange because he's always on time for school, and the bell was about to ring. Maybe he was already in his class? It rarely happens though. Blaine passed by us on the way and I didn't say anything. My life was already crazy I didn't want any more drama than I needed. When we got to the class Quinn came up to me.

"Hummel," Quinn unpleasantly greeted.

"Whore," I replied in the same tone.

"I just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed kissing my boyfriend again. It's been so long that it felt right at home in his arms." I could easily see the smirk in her eyes and forming on her face. It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to deck her right then and there but I didn't have enough energy for it.

"I hope you are a happy homewrecker, he would never go back to the school's petri dish. I hope that karma comes to you hard." It took everything that I had to even come up with that line. I felt myself getting weaker but still steady.

"Whatever Hummel, have fun with my sloppy seconds," Quinn says as she shoulders me as she walks past.

I was not in the mood for fighting I don't think that I could handle it. If I had it my way I would have never come back to this school ever. Homeschooling kept sounding better and better as the days past, I wouldn't be leaving for him. I have been there before, I am not risking that again. I am my own person even when I am in a relationship.

The rest of the class period had me a little irritated because of her. She's still up to something, I can sense it. I felt unsettled she knew how to make my blood boil. I wanted to desperately prove her wrong with her thinking that Finn would want her back. Even if we never get back together I doubt he would date her again. I say that but her kissing him is the reason why we're on a break.

He could still have feelings for Quinn. I just wished he wouldn't have kissed back.

After the first period, I went back to my locker to get the next binder for the second period. I had to admit that not seeing him around worried me a little. It shouldn't bother me but it does. I felt so lonely without him. It was really strange being so out of place. I wasn't sure how long I needed the break but I knew it couldn't last forever.

Why hasn't he been in any of the hallways? My mind had bought up the worst possible scenarios. There could've been an accident on the road, he could be hurt, or even dead. I look down at the watch he'd bought me for my birthday a couple months ago. I still wore it because deep down I wanted him to still belong to me. To belong to each other.

~Finn's pov~

I wanted a "us against the world" kind of love but it looks like I am not going to get it. I ruined that the moment I let her lips on mine. I felt like my life was going on without me. All I had left was my bad habits and this room. I was too high to care about anything I didn't want to feel the crash. I didn't want to feel anything at all.

I can't handle seeing him when all I can picture is him crying on his bed. That image is forever engraved in my brain. That replaced the one where I saw the blood drain from his arms. I couldn't handle it I was the cause of that. All I ever wanted was to keep Kurt happy and not make him regret what we had. It was special to me. He was special. How could I be able to face him again without having a mental breakdown?

I know I'll eventually have to but I'll draw that moment out as far away as possible. Sure, I'll eventually have to go back to school but I needed time to myself. Even if it meant drowning in alcohol and drugs. My heart only had room for two things that was Kurt and smoking weed. If I had to eventually choose one over the other then it would be complicated. Then, having Kurt forever in my life would be the best trade-off that I could ask for. So why do I hide it? Why did I keep getting high if that's the case? In a way having Kurt seemed too good to be true.

When the relationship between us got more serious it felt like a dream. He really loved me, and I felt protected. Some may think I was the one who kept him safe and in a way it's true, but he did more. Thinking back to the whole thing with Beth, I kept going back to Kurt. I tried to talk to Rachel but something about her wasn't a safe place

I couldn't even be around my own daughter I fucked that up. I had to go into the liquor cabinet while I was watching her, the one time I had to be responsible I couldn't be. She ripped her out of my arms, she told me that Beth was Puck's. That was a damn lie but I was so drunk I didn't think to not believe her. Thinking about my options I had a few. I could try to get shared custody of Beth. If I really wanted to take her to court I definitely could, but would it be worth it? What if they asked for a drug test? I would definitely fail it proving my case useless. This was when I would need Kurt the most. Despite that he hates Quinn for obvious reasons, he would've been able to put his personal feelings aside and help me.

Now I am all alone. Tears came down my face as I scrolled through the pictures on my phone of us over the months. From the very first time that we danced together to one before I had a football game where I gave him my varsity jacket that's when I knew we were official. All I knew was he's the one for me and I would do anything to have him back with me. I knew this life wasn't for me but no one was around to tell me otherwise. Plus I like the rush of it all something about it comforted me.