A/N: I do not own Supernatural/Castiel/Dean/Balthazar/Purgatory/Ect. Though Vox and Frïs are mine.
Sorry it's been so long since the last update! I took a small day's break to reevaluate my writing. I, personally, found it was too fluffy and took too long to get to the point. And while going through that I wound up being struck by inspiration at 3am, and filled a small notebook full of plot notes. So I have all of the Pride layer's events planned out already.
Aside from that, I had a late birthday dinner/party last night, and wound up getting smashed on accident. I'm so sore and sick right now it's not even funny. Apparently when I drink I like to pick fights... Anyways, my point in this is that I'm so stupidly late with this update because I'm only now on enough pain pills to be able to sit up and type. So I really want to apologize for the late nature of this update. But if all goes as planned I'll be making it up to you guys tonight with a few chapters.
Much love, and thanks as always for the continuing favs and comments. Sometimes reading over the comments you guys leave is the only thing that really motivates me to keep writing. I love you all, and I hope you enjoy the oncoming chapters.
Chapter Soundtrack: Linkin Park's "BlackBirds"
His thin features broke into a charismatic smile.
Ruffled blonde hair and scruff framed an old, familiar face. Dean looked over the body, the thin fitted shirt under the suit jacket, and the pressed black pants that fell over polished, pointed shoes. By the time his eyes were trailing back up the body in confusion, Castiel had moved to shrug his shoulders, eyes downcast.
The angel's entire demeanor changed at the sight of his old friend, and Balthazar wasn't oblivious to as much as he continued to smile at the pair.
"Balthazar.." Castiel spoke lowly, struggling with himself. This was his friend. His brother. One of his closest allies in many battles, who was here only because of Cas' prideful folly. To face the other, practically an effigy to his guilt, was impossible. So he stared down at the ebony street, wishing he was anywhere but there.
But there was no running from this. He deserved it, to say the least. And if it weren't for Dean and his need to be protected and aided in his path home, Cas seriously debated allowing Balthazar to kill him and stay in the loop of dying and returning in Purgatory for centuries.
However, no ridicule or anger arrived. Balthazar simply looked between the two quietly. When it was clear Cas wasn't going to say any more, he just turned to the still confused Dean.
The hunter hadn't realized just how far Cas had fallen in his madness with popping Purgatory what felt like years ago. To see someone the angel had called a friend in this place, dead and trapped because of Castiel.. It was a slap in the face, to say the very least.
"Well, as much fun as watching you two fumble around is.." He turned on his heel, glancing forward down the road before looking back at the two with both brows rose expectantly.
"I'd really like to get inside before dark. So how about we move this awkward little reunion to my place? Sound good?"
Another grin. A small laugh. Balthazar turned and walked away without further word, and for a long moment Dean and Cas didn't move. Then, with a sigh, the hunter took a solid step forward. Upon his progression Cas slowly looked up, following behind in silence.
With one foot in front of the other the two trailed behind the dead angel, striding through the identical streets until finally the faint thrum of life broke the monotony.
Just as the road crested over a small hill, the bland city broke into activity.
Down below the road dipped into an expansive basin. Billboards bore faces of recent celebrities, with one or two even showing a widely-grinning Dick Roman. The glass spires arched higher, with swirling shapes and archways throughout the landscape. Architecture seemed to ignore any real physics, and despite Balthazar's continuation forward, Dean was left to stop and stare in awe.
People were down below in droves. They clogged the streets and sidewalks, talking and laughing and showing of all manner of clothes and physical traits. All over people were competing in small groups to hold the attention of their friends, and slowly the hunter realized that all the bodies in the city were human. Two eyes, one nose, one mouth. None of them (as far as he could see) looking anything more than ordinary. All that was unusual was the scenery, with some buildings reflecting a sun Dean couldn't see, while others stretched on in various colors of glass. Many of them held no sort of cover from the outside world, and as he finally moved on to follow Balthazar into the city's heart he could look up at any given moment and see through the walls.
People were cooking in ornate kitchens, watching television in luxurious living rooms, and once or twice the hunter wound up catching glimpses of people in showers, unashamed of the entire city being able to see them through glass walls.
Finally when Balthazar came to a stop outside a blue-grey tinted glass building, Dean was able to focus on something other than the hundreds of exhibitionists.
Past the front double doors was a lavish lobby, with marble floors and pedestals were vases, plants, and statues rested. Paintings hung on every wall, and the décor looking like something out of a sprawling mansion.
As Balthazar held the door open Dean stepped carefully inside, looking around at the ornate lobby. To the left and rightmost walls doorways branched out further. If he had to guess from what he could see, the left was a dining room of some sort with a stretching oak table, while the right bore white couches and chairs centered around a flat screen television nearly as big as the wall. He edged closer, spying a bar along the back wall and another shut doorway within the living room.
Directly in front of him was a grand staircase, and as he was caught up in further inspecting the details of its ascent to a higher floor, Cas and Balthazar remained at the door.
"Balthazar.." Castiel spoke again. He couldn't avoid it forever. He couldn't just pretend he hadn't committed a grievous sin against the other. "It.. will change nothing." He began, half of his mind thinking of Dean and the leviathans more than the angel before him.
"But I must apologize. What happened.. I.."
"Nonsense, Cas." the blonde sighed. He didn't seem happy about it at all. But the look in his eyes as he stared at his old friend was far from angry. It was pained, with compassion and sorrow heavy in his eyes. He tried to insist it was water under the bridge, but the brunette soldier would have none of it.
"No." He pressed, shaking his head slowly. Even with determination helping him speak, he couldn't meet Balthazar's eyes for more than brief seconds.
"What I did was wrong. I was overcome with pride. I was blinded by it. I will never allow forgiveness for what I did to you." For three powerful seconds the two angels stared at one another in silence.
Dean, who had turned to make sure Cas was alright, stayed by the stairs quietly. Something about the conviction of his angel struck him, and while he didn't want to eavesdrop on their private moment, he found himself unable to look away.
Cas' face was a battleground, scarred with a guilt deeper than anything Dean could fathom. Behind the somewhat neutral expression there were small details, like the tense corners of his lips and the firm curl of his eyebrows in seriousness and frustration.
Castiel was agonized, and Balthazar could see the oceans of pain his mistakes drown him in.
When Cas finally broke the stare, the blonde took a soft moment of silence before sighing lightly and shutting the door.
He didn't say anything right away. There was nothing to say. Cas wouldn't accept forgiveness, and his apology was all Bal needed to move on. He'd made peace with his end quite a bit ago.
"So." He finally spoke as Cas returned to stand by Dean's side before the stairs.
"I need a drink." His once solemn expression broke into another smile as he clapped his hands together and moved into the living room. The angel and the hunter followed quietly, standing in the rich cream and wood-themed living room as Balthazar made a direct line to the bar.
Three glass tumblers were plucked up and set out, with a bottle of richly scented scotch coming to sit beside them.
Eagerly Dean approached, never one to turn down a drink. Certainly not now, when he was hungry and thirsty and sore. Nothing sounded better than a warm burn of a stiff drink in his belly.
"I hate to impose." Castiel spoke sternly as Balthazar cupped ice into each of the glasses.
"But I don't think it wise for Dean to drink on an empty stomach."
All at once the blonde angel looked up as if struck by realization.
"Ah, food, right." He nodded once, then returned to fixing the drinks. "No worries, we can all eat after a round."
Cas didn't argue. It wasn't his place to, and the answer as a whole was acceptable enough. As long as Dean had a warm meal before the alcohol had time to turn his stomach.
When the drinks were ready Cas hesitated, taking his only as an acceptance of his friend's hospitality.
Dean took two-thirds of his glass down all at once, with Balthazar only slightly behind. Cas sipped at the scotch, appreciating the taste but little more. He and Balthazar would need more than a glass to feel an effect. Blue eyes glanced to the wall behind the blonde, coated in shelves of bottles.
Cas doubted even all that could get either one of them more than tipsy.
"Nothing like a drink with friends." Balthazar commented while finishing his glass and setting it on the counter. Having the angel refer to him as such felt like a kick in the stomach to Cas, who stared at his glass in uncomfortable contemplation. He doubted he could finish it. He didn't want to, but it was more a sign of kindness than anything, so he was obligated..
Of course, Dean had his glass gone in seconds, and was returning it to Balthazar quickly before looking around.
He gave a small thanks, inspecting certain lavish elements of the room before turning back and stuffing both hands into his jacket pockets.
"So what's up with this place? Are we seriously still in Purgatory?" Dean eyed the tv suspiciously.
Balthazar laughed merrily, refilling his and Dean's glasses before moving to the center of the room, towards the doorway back to the lobby.
"You are." He stated fondly before taking a sip. "This is the layer of pride. Though most call it the city of decadence." With a small motion he turned to the lobby, Dean and Cas following along.
Cas made sure to finish his glass and leave it behind, while the hunter took his with him.
"Yeah, about that.." Dean spoke unevenly, remembering the see-through bathrooms. Balthazar simply laughed as he lead the way to the dining room.
"People here very much like attention. I don't think you've seen the worst of anything, yet."
Dean looked unsettled as he sat down near the end of the table where Balthazar casually motioned. As the blonde sat at the very end and Castiel moved across from Dean, a door near the back of the hall opened. Out came two women, barely dressed and smiling. The first brought a tray of glasses, the second two pitchers. Water and wine. Dean found a small amusement in it while Castiel remained uncomfortable.
Balthazar, naturally, was as happy as a clam.
As the girls poured drinks and left, he finished his scotch and set the tumbler to the side.
"So I assume you two won't be staying here for long, then?" He asked, looking first to Castiel, then Dean. The hunter gave a quick nod.
"The faster we can get out of here and to Eden, the better." He paused, staring at Balthazar, then lifted both eyebrows high on his face. "Ah-No offense."
The blonde grinned and shook his head. "None taken." He assured casually.
"Actually, I was hoping to hear you say as much."
As he sipped at the crystal glass of water, Dean's face tightened in question.
Balthazar was casually slow, taking a long drink before setting the glass down and getting comfortable.
"Don't look so surprised. Dean Winchester and Castiel show up in Purgatory, what do you think everyone assumes? It would be more shocking if you just rolled over and accepted the situation."
When he smiled, Dean cracked a small grin. Cas just stared at the table, hands in his lap, mind elsewhere.
It brought back too many memories of the apocalypse. Of tearing up the script and throwing it out, and the utter chaos that had come afterward. Free will had been the worst thing to ever happen to Heaven, and most days he felt the same was true for himself.
But of course, neither Dean nor Balthazar noticed as they spoke on, the hunter finally coming to question (tactlessly) why Ruby had been a hideous demonic beast, while Balthazar was very much human.
"Think of where you are, Dean." He explained matter-of-factly as the door again opened and more women came out with aprons and large trays bearing plates of various foods.
"Here, everyone appears however they want to. I could be a busty lady, if I wanted to." He flashed a humored grin at one of the girls setting a plate before him, and she giggled back before turning to leave.
"I was always rather fond of this vessel, so here I chose it for comfort's sake."
Eyes glanced down at the food without great interest. Nutrition wasn't demanded of him. He and Cas both ran on grace, even if dead. And without technical vessels, now they needed even less upkeep.
Dean, however, was beyond elated at the sight of the thickly cut steak laid out in front of him, with thick mashed potatoes, vegetables, and all the various fixings of a hot homemade meal in various bowls and plates all around him.
He needed the smallest of hints from Balthazar that it was fine to eat before digging in and leaving conversation to the angels.
Which, of course, brought Balthazar to slowly cutting his own cut of meat while Castiel stared down at his with minimal interest. He wasn't hungry. If anything, he wanted Dean to have the food in front of him. Be that now, or to just package it for later. After all, they had no promise the next layer would be as fortuitous as this.
"Cas, I can have them bring out something else if you're against steak." Balthazar offered before chewing one piece of the rich meat. Castiel looked up, blinking and shaking his head. He didn't want to seem rude.
"The food is excellent." He stated, but still made no move to touch it. "I just have no need for it, so if it's all the same to you I'd prefer to have this saved for later." For Dean. He wanted to say, but kept quiet. Still, the stare he cast the hunter was enough to imply to words. Between the cold water and hot food, Dean barely noticed the look sent his way.
Balthazar only nodded, staring at Cas for a long moment while continuing to cut up his food.
"You know, if you keep going on with that expression your face might get stuck." he teased. Castiel only stared, with his entire body slackened and shamed face downcast.
He didn't laugh, and after a brief quiet Balthazar looked away with a small frown.
Castiel had half a million questions on his mind as his friends ate.
He wanted to know why Balthazar wasn't mad. He wanted to ask why the other was staying here rather than pursuing Eden, and why he and Dean were still here. The sooner he found out their obstacle, the sooner they could go on.
But for the time all was quiet as Dean ate and drank to his heart's content, and Cas took a gentle comfort in knowing the hunter wouldn't go hungry for another day.
In time Balthazar wiped his mouth with a laid out napkin and stood, half his plate picked at with the rest left behind.
"I think I'll go see about getting something fixed up for you two to take along whenever you head on."
He stood, and briefly shared a look with Castiel that answered everything aptly enough.
We'll talk later. Was written all over the blonde angel's face as he pushed his chair in and left.
As soon as he was gone Dean tried to ease off the food. He finished the water in front of him and sighed, leaning back in the chair with a small smile of contentment.
He almost asked Cas if he wasn't feeling well, before remembering he had no reason at all to even look at food.
"Hey Cas.." Dean spoke up.
Castiel lifted his gaze from the table, eyes slightly widened in an expectant stare.
Dean thought back to their conversation before Balthazar. To the argument, and how quickly it had vanished when the threat of an intruder had come up. Now, with food on his stomach and the lingering warmth of alcohol in his blood, he felt like an ass.
"I'm sorry about earlier."
"It is not of import, Dean." The angel stated. Dean quirked a small, weak smile at the familiar slip of words. They were incorrect, technically. But something about them was so specifically Cas that the hunter never wanted to correct him. It was stupid, yeah. But the special little line was something he could hear from any other person and it would only ever remind him of the angel.
Still, it was important. The angel had been trying to explain, and with his anger now cooled Dean could be sure Cas hadn't meant the words the way Dean had taken them.
"It matters, Cas." He insisted. "You were trying to explain your whole.." He struggled for the words, giving Cas a small once-over while trying to search for it. "Thing to me." Shoulders shrugged. Dean shook his head. "I didn't get it before. Just.. try again. I'll listen."
Castiel stared at Dean for a long, quiet moment. His face betrayed nothing but neutrality, but internally he was stunned. Dean always had such an effect on him. Every time he assumed he knew the hunter, something like this happened to surprise him and prove that Dean was a human. He grew and changed and learned, and when Cas least expected it he showed signs of becoming such a different, stronger person that sometimes all he could do was watch and silently appreciate the Winchester boy.
"I.." Cas began awkwardly, trying to think of how he had said everything before, and what way he could say it now to be more clear. "Death created Sam's wall to keep the trauma at bay." He reiterated. "My wall was freedom from guilt. Sam's insanity was brought on by the scars from Hell he couldn't escape. When I accepted his damage, it didn't come in the form of Lucifer and fear for me. It came as clarity and distance. I had a sort of.. freedom from the weight of knowing all I had done."
Blue eyes dropped down as Dean stared on, trying to understand.
All he was really getting was that Cas had been insane because Sam's big bag of crazy chased away all the guilt. Which, to Dean, meant he was crazy because he was just fucking crazy, and the nutjob mindset had disconnected him from understanding he had fucked up at all, like some ignorant child.
"Here, in Purgatory.." Cas shifted uncomfortably. "Consider this my wall, Dean. I held this entire place inside me, once. When I released the souls, a part of me went with each and every one of them."
He let the words sink in mostly as an excuse to stop talking. It was painful to speak of.
Every face here and writhed around inside him once. Vox, Frïs, and many more. Faces the pair had yet to see, faces Cas hoped they wouldn't, and ones still he wasn't even aware of. They had all been a jumbled, tumbling mass inside his body, souls crawling over one another. Some were angry, some scared, some elated. But all of them had been a part of him once, and now that they were all around him again there was nowhere he could turn without seeing guilt and shame and agony. Because this entire place was his mistake, and he couldn't turn away from it now.
Dean stared.
"So what you're saying is.." He tried to get it. He really did. Cas was fruit loops, Purgatory made him ok, and all of it confused the hell out of Dean. He shook his head, shutting his eyes and wishing for more scotch. Across from him, Cas grimaced. He wished he knew some way to say it..
"When I pulled Sam from Hell, I only retrieved his body." Cas stated.
Dean grimaced bitterly, eyes still shut. He gave a single small nod.
"When I put Purgatory back, it took part of me with it."
Dean nodded again. Images of Cas, consumed by leviathans, flashed behind his eyelids.
"When Sam got his soul back, it was mangled and scarred."
Another nod. Cas was quiet for a time, struggling to continue the comparison Dean would grasp.
"The leviathans.. When I..." The entire room stewed in a thick uneasiness.
"When you found me again, I didn't remember. I didn't know what had happened, what I had done.."
Finally, Dean's eyes opened. There were too many memories back there of Sam suffering from Lucifer hallucinations and Cas' coat washing up on the water's edge.
"When I remembered, I was me again. Because of that guilt.." He hung on the words. Words he'd never wanted to say to Dean. "Knowing what I had done, the guilt and regret, had become a part of me, Dean. When I took on your brother's scars, I healed his mind at the cost of a trade. He recovered, and I was wounded. The guilt became unbearable. In my mind, in that place with Meg.."
Castiel struggled. Dean stared, face drawn in a serious grimace as he listened. He tried to understand. To accept what the other was saying. But he couldn't stop thinking of Castiel's god trip. Of his breaking down Sam's wall. Images of leviathans, Bobby in the hospital, and the insane angel haunted him.
"I was only able to wake up when the damage ran so deep my mind couldn't handle it. I rejected it, Dean. And in escaping from the guilt and shame, I was clear. I saw the honey bees,"
Dean tried not to roll his eyes. He was starting to hate bees. But Cas paused, taking it slow. Trying to show Dean the clarity he'd head.
"I saw the first bee leave the hive. Think of it as a child being born into the world. I watched it go on from one flower to the next. I saw the path it took, and watched as it went along. To anyone else, it would seem like nothing. Just a bee buzzing along. But he moved with such.. purpose, Dean."
Blue eyes finally rose, looking up at the hunter with desperation. He wanted Dean to understand so very badly.
"We are bees, Dean. You were born, and you followed this path. You made the choices that took you down this road, following your father and hunting with Sam."
He looked up at Dean, begging with his eyes. Dean's face stayed twisted, struggling to follow while bitterness consumed every other thought in his head. His blood wanted to boil. His mouth wanted to open. His head wanted to understand and his heart ached with every beat that passed with Cas giving him that desperate pleading stare.
"God made it all, Dean. He made the bees, and the hive, and the flowers. He made the path the bees follow, and it was so perfect. The bee didn't need to go out of line. It didn't need to do anything more or less than what God had designed."
He waited. Waited for the recognition. The understanding. Dean shook his head slightly, as if urging Cas to get to the part where it all made sense. The angel's shoulders slumped.
"You are a bee, Dean. I am a bee. We're on our paths, ones God created, and-"
Dean's face brought the angel to stop. The hunter looked furious, staring on ahead with fiery green eyes and a tight jaw. His elbows were on the table, with shoulders tensed and hands curled into fists.
"Cas." Dean growled lowly, trying to contain himself. But the small threads of self-control that had withstood listening to the angel's words were pulled thin.
Resolutely Dean stood, shoving off the table with both palms and turned away. He stalked out without further word, seething.
Castiel didn't say a word. He didn't follow. He just slumped down further in his chair.
Of course Dean didn't understand. Cas berated himself for even opening his mouth.
But quietly, he thanked the hunter. Dean had left rather than fly off the handle. He was trying to do better, and even when lonely and haunted by the giant mistake he was trapped inside, Castiel was proud of Dean for trying so hard to make progress in himself. Even if he didn't realize it.
When Balthazar returned, it was almost too carefully planned, as if he'd heard the whole exchange and waited to come out. Boxes were prepared in the kitchen, stored away for Cas to take whenever they left. As girls had come to clean up the plates, the blonde had sat next to Cas and waited in the quiet to speak. But the angel never said a word, and slowly Balthazar stood, explaining the route up the stairs to an empty bedroom.
When he left to go tell Dean where he could sleep, Castiel stayed behind.
He felt beyond worthless. Beyond lost.
He wanted, more than anything, to go back to that "insanity". He wanted the clarity and freedom. More than anything he wanted the mental numbness that brought him peace even with all he had done.
But someone like him didn't deserve such a thing.
So he sat alone for another long stretch of time, only moving to check on Dean long after the sun had set.
Special Thanks To: Gemini Peverell, Snape Heiress, Alyson1.0, stefanswifey01, TV Centric Universe, Casismyfavorite, KansasAngel94, end butterfly, Jilly950, agrove, mescaline, and Emmaz1098.
Also, kudos to Casismyfavorite for guessing who the mystery guest was. Naturally I couldn't do a Pride layer without some Balthazar fun. As a small note, I do encourage people to suggest other characters they'd like to see appear outside just Cas and Dean. Originally there was a strong debate on Gabriel or Balz for this chapter, and Balz won. Hope you guys enjoy =)