I Am Not What You Choose To See
AU story that centers around suicide and healing. Hope you enjoy. Please review and let me know.
I own nothing. Nothing.
Chapter Eleven
Raidou raced after Hound once the search party had left the village. Genma was still shinobi, even if broken. He'd left through an area of the village that wasn't heavily guarded.
"Gen is clever to use an area to escape that has natural barriers. Not many guards patrol this part of Konoha," Gai called as Raidou frowned, "Not many would know to seek a trail through such rocky terrain."
"He's fucking barefoot and bleeding!" Raidou growled, pointing to the bloody trail they were following, "The rocks cut his feet."
"Not badly. There isn't too much blood," Kurenai soothed as the scarred jonin scowled, "The terrain has at least slowed Genma down. We might catch up."
They didn't catch up. Genma had been traveling fast and gotten past all guards, Anbu, and hunter nin to leave Konoha, but hopefully they could get to him before he left the Fire country border.
"Where is he heading?" Anko asked as she pulled up beside Raidou, "If he wanted to off himself he could have done it twice over and again."
"Anko!" Ibiki warned, grabbing Raidou before he fell from the branch he'd landed wrong on due to the shock of the kunoichi's words, "Shut the hell up."
"She's right," Raidou gasped, sitting hard where he stood as Ibiki steadied him, "Where is Gen going? What is driving my baby to run like this?"
"Up!" Hound ordered, jerking Raidou by the arm to stand, "More blood is in the air. My pack is not howling in hopes of not alerting Shiranui-san that he is being followed. Come!"
Raidou raced to follow the silver-haired jonin as the rest flashed after them. The group froze when they came upon a dead nin. The nin wasn't Genma.
"Missing nin from Mist," Hound reported, "Striking similarity to one of Genma's rapist. Scent strong enough to be sibling or first cousin. Signs of battle. All the footprints and signs of battle show that Genma and the shinobi stumbled upon one another by accident, but this one was seeking revenge for the dead rapist. This nin struck first. Genma finished it."
"Still got it," Anko snorted, pointing to the three senbon lodged in the man's temple, "Kill spot hit dead on with enough force to drive through the skull. Genma was aiming to kill."
"Genma's direction now?" Raidou asked Hound, ignoring the rest.
"West, towards his last mission."
"Why?" Raidou ground out, "What are you doing, Baby?"
The seven jonin continued to follow Genma's trail. The man was fast, but seemed to be weakening if judged by his prints. Raidou didn't want to think that possibly his lover had been injured in the battle. The sun was setting when the group stumbled on Genma. The man was very much alive and staring at a large, scarred tree. He was bruised and scratched and looked cold in the torn hospital pajamas he still wore.
"Gen?" Raidou called before pausing as the man spun and flung several senbon that needed to be deflected, "Gen, it's me. It's Raidou."
The others tried to flank Genma to reach him, but paused when the man held a kunai to his own throat.
"Go away. I don't want you here," Genma bit out, "Don't…just go away or I'll finish what I started with my wrists."
"Everyone sit down. Hound, send your pack away," Ibiki instructed as the jonin all complied, "Genma, you don't really want this."
"Do," Genma chuckled dryly as he turned to glare at the tree, "Here…here where I realized the truth. Here where I showed I was weak…here where it hurt."
Raidou glanced to the tree and then noticed Hound signing to him. "Scars." "Wind." "Damage." "Old blood scent."
"Oh, my God," Raidou hissed, studying the tree and the clearing carefully, "This is…this is where they attacked you."
There was no mistaking who "they" were as the others gaped. Genma trembled as he turned stricken eyes to Raidou before his face filled with rage.
"Go the fuck away! I don't want you here!"
"Genma, drop the kunai," Ibiki tried as the broken man glanced at him, "Hurting yourself will not change the way you are feeling. Pain will follow you."
"You know nothing," Genma laughed, placing the kunai against his throat calmly, "You love pain. You dole out pain all the time. It's what you do. Nin die to escape what you do to them. Why can't I, Ibiki? Why can't I get away from my pain? Does it make me weak to be tired? I'm so tired. I've fought and fought my whole life and I'm so fucking tired of this shit!"
No one saw Raidou move. It was like he just appeared in front of Genma, but the scarred jonin just sat and took a kunai out to hold against his own throat.
"I told you before, Baby, I love you," Raidou pushed as the man gasped, "I go wherever you go no matter what so we'll go together. You and I, Gen. If you are tired then we'll rest. We'll rest, Baby."
"No," Genma whimpered, glancing to the blade at Raidou's throat in horror, "No, Rai."
"What are you doing?" Asuma snapped, standing angrily as Raidou glanced to the man.
"I go where Gen goes," Raidou said and looked back to his lover, "I go with you, Baby. Wherever you want to go. I've allowed you to suffer alone for too long. I wasn't there when your father was hurting you. I wasn't aware enough to realize that all the labels, teasing, and rumors were ripping you up inside. I wasn't able to keep you safe when those horrible men touched you and took something precious from you. I drove you to hurting yourself by jumping to conclusions and striking my most loved person. I've been a horrible boyfriend, but I will spend every moment from now on to try and make that up to you whether in this life or the next. I go with you. I'm sick and tired of seeing you alone."
"You have to leave me alone!" Genma snarled, snatching the kunai from Raidou and stepping away, "You can't go with me! I 'm dirty! I'm a weak, dirty whore, Rai! I get sent on seduction missions because I'm pretty and men or women want me! It was only a matter of time before…before being taken and used like the whore I am!"
"You are not a whore!" Raidou yelled back, watching as the broken man trembled while the others remained frozen, watching everything unfold, "You are Genma Shiranui an elite guard. You aren't pretty. You're fucking gorgeous and I'll be damned if I allow anyone to send you on seduction missions again because you are right…it was only a matter of time before someone went after you. You shouldn't have been sent without backup to keep you safe. The Hokage regrets that now. You aren't weak. You were brutally victimized without any way of escaping. That doesn't make you weak."
"But I-I couldn't fight them," Genma stuttered, pointing his kunai at the tree, "The Sand nin tied me there. Every limb was held in positions I didn't want to be in…they touched me…they ripped my clothes away. I held it in, but inside I screamed as they took turns. It hurt so fucking bad! They hurt me! I couldn't fight them and they hurt me!"
Raidou went to reach for Genma, but the man hissed and flung himself away.
"No, no. You are like all the rest," Genma denied, shaking his head wildly while tears coursed down his cheeks, "You hurt me too. You hit me. You made me fall and then you turned away. Mother left, Father left, Oneesan left, you left. You left me alone, Rai! You left me when all I wanted was for you to hold me and make it better, but you left. All of you left and you believed the lies and I'm sick of trying anymore! I don't want this! I don't want to feel like this! I want it to be done! I can't do this anymore!"
Everyone blinked and then took cover as the scarred tree was blown into bits to the music of a thousand chirping birds. Raidou had thrown himself to shield Genma and the two sat up as the tree fell over backwards and rattled the ground they sat upon. Hound turned as his hand glowed with the bits of chakra leftover from the chidori.
"My father left," Hound voiced as the jonin all glanced to the former Anbu once silence reigned again, "He left me alone when I was too young to be left alone. He made me doubt myself. My doubts led to mistakes. My mistakes led to ones I love dying. Is that what you want, Shiranui-san?"
Genma didn't answer as he watched the other nin walk closer while standing from the forest floor and holding his kunai out to ward the Copy-nin off.
"I know you don't want that. I was born when Kakashi couldn't handle his emotions. I was born when he didn't want to feel similar to what you are feeling like right now," Hound continued, "I step forward when his emotional pain grows to be too much. I am he and he is Hound. He hurts for you badly. Your pain is tearing him up and he isn't even your lover. If Kakashi is hurting this bad for your pain, how do you think Namiashi-san is feeling knowing that you are correct? Namiashi-san hit you and blindsided you with his distrust. He betrayed your faith in him. So he is scum."
"He is not," Genma snapped, "Rai is pure. He isn't tainted like me or scum."
"He was burned against his will," Hound objected, pointing to the scars as Raidou flushed, "Does that make Namiashi-san weak or tainted?"
Genma stepped back and glanced between Hound and Raidou in confusion.
"Well?" Hound demanded as Genma shook his head, "If Namiashi-san is not weak or tainted for having fallen in battle, then how are you tainted or weak, Shiranui-san? You fell in battle against unfair odds and they took advantage of you. Namiashi-san reacted badly because he felt betrayed, but he has proved his feelings for you since, hasn't he?"
"Hai," Genma whispered, looking away.
"He'll follow you to even the pits of hell," Hound drawled, "He left once, but I doubt Namiashi-san ever makes that mistake again. Living is dealing with pain. Life is hard, but it is the strong that survive even when they hit bottom. You've survived so much in life…abuse, neglect, unfair assumptions, labeling, sexual assault. You have a right to be tired and feeling empty, but you do have those that care. All of us here, most in the village that are looking for you now, and most importantly Raidou Namiashi who is willing to die beside you, wants to help you. You love Namiashi-san too so don't try to deny that truth. Do you want his death on your hands?"
"Enough," Raidou growled, stepping forward as Genma choked and held his aching wrists to his chest, "No one is going to guilt Genma into anything. Not even living. Baby, this is your choice. Hound is correct in what he's said. You are beyond strong. Never forget that, but even the strongest can falter at times. You broke because I was a fool. I should have seen how desperately you needed me when you got home. I'm sorry, Gen. I'm so sorry."
"I want to stop hurting," Genma sobbed, dropping the kunai as he reached for Raidou, "Make it stop, Rai."
"I will," Raidou vowed, pulling Genma tight against him while the man cried, "I promise I will, Baby. I love you, Gen."
Genma's knees gave out as Raidou eased them both to the ground.
"They hurt me, Rai," Genma's muffled voice said as he hid his face against Raidou's neck, "I can't let you touch me. I'm dirty. I have to love you enough to let you go. I have to, Rai."
"It's just what Hound said, Gen, am I dirty with this?" Raidou asked, placing one of Genma's hands on his scarred cheek as his lover looked up at him and shook his head, "Remember how badly I reacted after the burns? I pushed you away in my own pain and confusion. What did you say to me then?"
"I said, 'Fuck you, Rai. You're stuck with me,'" Genma whispered as Raidou chuckled, "Are…are you saying that I'm stuck with you?"
"Forever and always," Raidou agreed, "You can't let me go because we're stuck together, right? I love you, Baby."
Everyone held their breath as brown eyes studied Raidou's face intently for long moments.
"I love you too," Genma finally offered, leaning against the larger man, "Tired, Rai. Cold."
"I know, Baby," Raidou whispered as Ibiki tore his trench coat off to wrap around Genma's shoulders, "Just rest. I've got you."
It was no time at all before Genma drifted to sleep. He was exhausted.
"Please tell me one of you has a med kit," Raidou begged, cradling Genma as he looked in worry at the man's raw feet.
"I do," Ibiki offered, bending to examine Genma, "Asuma, you and Kurenai go get some fresh water. Anko, start a fire. We'll need to boil the water to make sure it is sterile enough to clean Genma's cuts."
The sound of a body hitting the ground made everyone look and gape at seeing Kakashi sprawled unconscious on the ground.
"Shimatta!" Gai snapped, bending over the unconscious man, "Hound pushed Kakashi too far. I knew my rival couldn't handle discussing his father. That wound is still too raw for him."
"Something I've tried to get him help with, but he's so damn smart that he's able to pass all psych tests," Ibiki huffed, "Kakashi will sleep hard, but should wake when he's not so overwhelmed. Hound got through to Genma. That is all that matters. We just witnessed a major breakthrough. Genma will heal. He turned a corner. He'll let me help him now."
Raidou's heart lightened more than it had in weeks. Ibiki cleaned and bandaged Genma's feet and then checked the tender wrists. Titters rang out as Ibiki pulled multiple senbon from the armguards. Genma had prepared himself to defend.
"Bit strained," Ibiki advised, re-lacing the armguards in place, "I think that happened during the battle with that missing nin. Let's get every weapon off Genma just in case he mentally relapses, but I really think this is just a precaution."
Raidou had to laugh as he patted his lover down and found senbon, kunai, and shuriken lashed all over Genma's body.
"Silly. Never change, Gen," Raidou snorted, pawing through the sleeping man's hair.
"Why are you…oh," Anko began to question before giggling as Raidou pulled several senbon from the thick locks, "He hides senbon in his hair?"
"Just like his mother did," Ibiki explained, "Aiko-san must have taught her son some of her ways before she died. Genma is his mother's son."
Asuma shook his head in wonder as he gathered the weapons. It was a decent pile for a man wearing only pajamas.
"We need to get back," Ibiki stated, "I'll carry Genma."
"I've got Gen. No one touches him, but me," Raidou snapped, lifting his wrapped lover carefully, "Gai, you got Kakashi?"
"I've got him," Gai agreed, standing with his rival dangling over his shoulder, "Kakashi will be unhappy to see my 'great-green rear' as he calls it if he wakes while I'm carrying him, but he'd be more pissed if I held him like a lover. I don't fancy a chidori to the face. I am happy with this youthful outcome."
Raidou glanced down to Genma's sleeping form and smiled.
"Let's go home. All of us," Kurenai whispered, making Raidou beam.
To be continued…