This chapter isn't my best, but I haven't been feeling well. I wanted to write Niko's darker side and show that he's still hurting from Kate's death. I'll probably remake it later. I'm sorry if I've dissapointed. D:

Shadows of the Night

Chapter 11:

Self Loathing

Song: One Step Closer ~ Linkin Park

Alderney

She called him early that morning asking him to come over; that they needed to talk. Johnny hated when his girlfriend would say that. It usually meant trouble, but Jessie was different, wasn't she?

He parked his bike in front of her shop. Terry and Clay had come along, but he asked them to wait outside while he spoke to Jessie. No one was around, except for her. She had her back to him as she swept broken glass and debris into a dustpan. Her long dark hair was pulled back into a white bandanna. She knew he was here, he didn't know why she was ignoring him. He decided he would be the first to speak.

"Looks good," he said.

She stopped and turned to face him. She looked as if she had been crying, but it was probably from all of the dust in the air. He couldn't imagine a tough girl like Jessie ever crying.

"Hey, Johnny. I'm glad you're here," she said. Although the tone of her voice said otherwise.

He moved to the work bench and began to organize the screws, nuts, and bolts that had been spilled. Each little item going into its own jar.

"Something wrong?" Johnny asked.

Jessie sighed and place the broom in the corner. She kept herself at a distance, something that wasn't normal for her. "There is something wrong, Johnny K. I don't know how to tell you this."

"Tell me what, sugar?"

The only sound that could be heard were screws and bolts falling into a jar. The moments ticked by as Jessie tried to find the courage. This wasn't going to be easy, but it had to be said.

She swallowed. "I-I'm..." she stopped to take a breath. "Johnny, I'm… I'm pregnant."

He was thankful for the workbench in front him because in that moment he almost stumbled over. It felt as if his world had imploded around him and he wasn't sure if he had just heard her right. His mind went numb and it felt as if a cold stone had dropped in his stomach. This couldn't be happening. This wasn't real. He couldn't be a father.

Their lives were too fucked up to bring a child into it, but he had the money to help her deal it. Problem solved.

The seconds passed by in silence. When he didn't speak, she took a step forward.

"I've decided to keep it," Jessie said with a tremble in her voice.

She was keeping it! What was she thinking?! Anger surged through him. He spun around to face her. Never had she seen him so angry before.

"So you made this decision without asking me?" Stop talking while you're ahead, Klebitz! A small part of him warned, but he couldn't stop himself. "How can you be so selfish?"

The defiance in her came back. She straightened herself and looked him in the eyes with her own fury. "My body, my choice! Maybe if you had worn a rubber this wouldn't have happened!"

"You told me it was fine. That you kept track of that shit!" Now he was really pissed off.

"Oh don't even blame this all on me! I didn't knock myself up, ya know."

He let out a growl of annoyance. "Maybe next time you should consider how your decisions affect the people around you! This is bullshit!"

He didn't let her reply. He turned and stormed out of the garage where Terry and Clay had been listening to the entire time. Jessie stood alone in the garage with her hand resting on her stomach. She tried to swallow down the knot of emotion in her throat, but it wouldn't go away.

She knew this moment wouldn't be sunshine and rainbows, but she also didn't expect him to react the way he did. Did this mean she was going to do this alone? She exhaled a breath she didn't know she was holding, grabbed the broom, and went back to her previous mindless task as the roar of motorcycles faded away.

Well, Jelly Bean, I guess it's just you and me from now on.

Dark clouds thick with rain cast over the city. Its citizens were quickly making their way to their cars and homes as the first droplets of rain began to fall. Despite this, it didn't stop Niko from leaving his apartment in North Holland. He stepped outside and pulled his hood over his head as he walked towards his car.

He got in and turned on the radio expecting Liberty Rock Radio to play, only to be greeted by a Weasel News announcement. He was ready to turn the station when a report caught his attention.

"It seems that another young woman is missing, this time near Hove Beach." The female reporter began, "Twenty-one year old Galina Reznikov of Hove Beach was last seen leaving the 69 Diner Saturday night after completing her shift. Reznikov had immigrated from Russia two years earlier and was working as a waitress since she arrived. She has blonde hair and blue eyes, her height is five-five and she weighs ninety-eight pounds. She was last seen wearing a red shirt with blue jeans and pink sneakers. If you have any information-"

Niko switched off the radio and leaned back in his seat. He remembered that girl from when he used to go to the diner. She was always friendly toward him and there were times when she even tried flirting with him. He felt a stab of pity for the poor girl. The reporter said another girl had gone missing which made him wonder how many others were there. He had never heard of it before, but then again, he changed the station whenever the news came on.

He thought of Lily and her nightly trips to the gym. She still had not learned basic self-defense which worried him. He was surprised after what happened to her back in February that she was still going out. He took out his phone and thought of calling Lily to warn her, but while his thumb hovered over the call button, he realized that he didn't want to frighten her.

It's for her own protection. He told himself.

Her phone rang several times before it went to voicemail. He hated leaving voice messages so he hung up and decided to call her again later.

He spent the next half hour driving around the neighborhood, looking for any signs of trouble, but when he didn't find any, he drove for Bohan. There was always trouble in Bohan.

An hour later, he arrived at his destination and parked his car at the apartment he stayed in for months after Kate had died. He remembered lying on that uncomfortable fold out couch for days on end, drowning his misery in bottles of vodka. Surprisingly enough, his liver was still functioning. He hoped it would be enough to kill him, but it never did and he continued to go on living. That was his curse, it seemed. Everyone he cared about always got hurt and it was his fault. He was shot, stabbed, and everything in between.

He began his patrol up and down the neighborhoods of South Bohan. By then the rain had let up. So far, he stopped one mugging and a break in. By midnight, there was nothing else going on. He was ready to leave when he heard the cry for help and a metal trash cans hitting the ground.

Niko felt the pistol in his jacket before rushing towards the alley. He saw three shadows moving along the brick wall, two of them holding the other.

"Where's the fuckin' money, kid?" a gruff voice said.

Niko glanced from behind the wall and saw that the men's victim was Eric, the boy he helped out two months earlier.

"I told you, I don't have it all yet! Please just give me enough time!" Eric begged, but his aggressors didn't pity him.

Niko readied himself before coming out of his hiding place. "Hey! Leave the kid alone!"

The two men turned to face Niko and move for him. One held a bat while the other had a chain.

"Come on, let's show this Commie fuck who he's messing with," the one with the bat said. He swung, but Niko dodged and landed a punch on the man's jaw.

The other thug swung his chain. Niko caught it and with a firm tug, he took it for his own use. He quickly wrapped it around his fist and landed a punch on the thug's face. THe man went down and into a pile of trash. The man with the bat came at Niko again, but he threw back his elbow and hit the man in the nose. He covered his nose and cried out that Niko had broken it.

"You'll get worse if I see you picking on this kid again!" Niko warned.

Both men groaned in pain and limped away from the scene. Once Niko was sure they were out of sight, turned his attention to Eric. The boy was dusting himself off when Niko approached him.

"You alright?" Niko asked.

Eric brushed the dirt out of his hair before answering. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for saving my ass back there."

"What did they want from you?"

Eric leaned against the brick wall and crossed his arms. "I borrowed money from them and I couldn't pay it back."

"I see. How is your father?"

This time the boy had a sadness in his eyes and Niko instantly knew. He saw Eric in February, it was April now. He was surprised at how quickly time had passed.

"He died," Eric said with a defeated tone. He adjusted the strap on his backpack before continuing, "He died and now I'm on the streets. I'm almost a legal adult, but I still had to live with my uncle. I thought he was cool, but he turned out to be an asshole."

Niko sighed and waved for the kid to follow him. "Come on, kid, I'll give you a place to stay." He could sense the boy's hesitation so he reassured him it was alright. "My apartment is in here in Bohan. It's only a few blocks away."

Eric followed Niko down the sidewalk in silence. Once they reached the apartment, Eric looked around and laughed. "Well, it's not as bad as I thought," the boy commented.

Niko ignored the boy's opinion on the apartment and walked past him towards the kitchen. He began throwing garbage and old food away while making a mental note to clean up after himself more. Even if he was depressed. He stacked the dishes next to the sink because he didn't have dish soap to wash them.

"Are we roommates or something?" Eric asked.

"I live in Algonquin, but sometimes I come here when I need to get away from people," Niko said as he set the trash can aside. "But I will check in on you." He reached into his wallet laid out two-hundred dollars on the counter. "Here, this is for food and whatever else you need."

Eric set his backpack on the fold out couch and flopped down. "Hey listen, man, you don't have to do this. I mean, I ain't gonna mug people or nothin', but I'll find away to make money."

"Don't worry about it, kid, you need it more than I do,"

"If you insist, but don't worry, I'll pay you back someday!" Eric replied as he dug around in his bag.

"You don't need to pay me back. Just stay out of trouble."

He left the apartment a minute later suddenly feeling drained. Most of the time he could stay out all night and take out as many "bad guys" as he could, but tonight wasn't the night for him. It felt as if he was losing steam faster than usual. In fact the entire week he felt something wasn't right, though he couldn't figure out why.

He had work in three hours and was not looking forward to it. He hated the job if he were honest with himself. He hated the passengers too. Well, not all them, but most of them he did. Actually, he hated people in general. This wasn't the job that was right for him, but then again none of the jobs out there would be right for him unless it involved killing.

He remembered the last job he took involved eliminating a target. He agreed to it, grabbed his sniper rifle and went to the top of a building in Alderney. The target was supposed to be on a blue speedboat by themselves. Even from a distance, he could see the boat and the target, but something wasn't right. Once he was in position, he zoomed in on the target to find it was a teenage girl. His finger hovered over the trigger. It would be easy enough: kill the girl and get his paycheck, but as he watched her through the scope, he knew he couldn't kill her. He didn't have it in him. Roman was right, the killing had to stop. He sighed and lowered the rifle, then called the Fixer to let him know the mission was a failure. He decided then and there, he was through.

Once he arrived "home" he fell onto the bed and crawled under the covers. He checked the time on his phone and it was then that he saw the date. One year had passed since the wedding. One year ago he failed the woman he loved. His chest felt heavy and fresh tear stung his eyes as memories came flooding back. He tried to swallow down the painful knot of emotion that clung to his throat, but in the end, the grief won and quickly consumed him. He lied there for whatever length of time had passed as silent sobs shook his body. Before this moment, he turned his grief into anger to keep it at bay, but after holding it all back for an entire year he couldn't stand it any longer. Sweet, innocent Kate had paid the price for his sins. It was his fault and his alone. No matter what anyone said he only had himself to blame.

He was meant to protect her and he failed.

Once it was over, he was drained of all energy and quickly fell asleep. His dreams were filled with Kate and the wedding.

When she looked at him that day with those emerald green eyes, he saw hope for the first time in years, he saw a chance to start again, a better future for himself. Then it in a matter of moments, it was all taken from him. Why didn't he see the car? He was good at spotting things out of the ordinary, but he was too blind and distracted to see what was happening and by the time that car containing Pegorino had been noticed it was too late.

Seconds later Kate McReary was dead.

Niko awoke sometime around noon. The light from the windows forced his eyes shut again. He groaned and swore in his native tongue as he slowly opened his eyes. Rolling to his left, he reached out for his phone on the dresser. He had eight missed calls, five from Roman, two from Mallorie, and one from Lily. He found that he had three messages from the previously mentioned.

Hey NB are you coming in today? Roman's read.

Niko could you please give us a call? Mallorie.

Are you okay? I saw that you called last night. Sorry, I was busy but I tried calling back. Lily.

He stared at his phone for a moment before crawling out of bed. It was simple to call them back and tell them he was okay, but he found that he didn't have the energy to care if they knew. He turned off his phone and left it on the counter before making his way to the fridge.

He grabbed for the vodka and poured himself a large glass. He downed it in a matter of seconds then poured himself a second glass. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice was telling him to stop, but he couldn't. His body had decided that it needed to be poisoned to feel better.

After the third, he pushed the glass off into the sink and shuffled into the living room. He fell onto the couch and began to flip through the tv channels. He stopped at Weazel News to see what the latest reports were. Not that he cared.

"It seems that rumors of Rat Man have resurfaced yet again." Niko scoffed at this and took a swig. "Reports have come in of an upright creature skulking about in the subway tunnels. Police, however, believe it is one of the many homeless living in Liberty City, but eyewitnesses beg to differ."

"It was big! Bigger than anything I've seen before. It watched me for several minutes before taking off back into the shadows," a young blonde woman said.

"Dude, I like saw it and everything, man. It like totally walked up to me and like I was high, okay, but I know what I saw, cuz I was all like: Woah man and it was all like: Dude. It like totally killed my buzz. Especially when it had like blood on it and stuff," a blood-shot eyed white man in dreadlocks said.

"Although more citizens are reporting sights of him, in the tunnels, police still refuse to investigate the matter and have asked people to stop calling in the creature. In other news-"

Niko shut off the TV and couldn't help but laugh at the bullshit he had just heard. A Rat Man in the sewers? He guessed Americans really were this stupid. They would believe anything they were told.

He finished off the bottle an hour later. By then he was drunk and numb, just as he wanted to be. The anger and bitterness that had welled up inside of him and ensnared his heart were kept away with the vodka. It was better to stay numb than to dwell on the shit that was both in and out of his control. Like Kate.

It was better to stay drunk than to hurt.

The sun had disappeared over the city hours later and by then Niko had sobered up enough to go back out. He stayed in the North Holland area that night and stopped a man from breaking into a vehicle, two muggings, and a house break in.

He stuck to the shadows, lurking, watching, and waiting for the next criminal to come along. It was close to midnight when he felt like giving up and moving on. It wasn't until he spotted a woman being followed by a black Futo with a busted out headlight. The driver, a man, hung his head out of the driver side window calling after her to get in the car. The woman told him multiple times to leave him alone, but he wasn't listening.

"Come on, you bitch, just get in the car," he said.

"I never want to see you again you grease ball fuck!"

Niko stayed the shadows with a ball bat in hand as the man slammed on the breaks and got out of the car. The woman's face showed fear as the man quickly made his way towards her. He snatched her by her wrist and began to pull her towards the car. She kicked and screamed as he tried to cup her mouth. It reminded Niko of the night those men tried to rape Lily.

Anger rose within Niko as he stepped out the shadows. He swiftly approached the couple, bat raised high in the air. The woman's eyes widen in fear as Niko's bat collided with the man's skull. The man dropped to the ground before he knew someone was behind him.

"Oh my god! You killed him!" the woman shrieked.

Niko shot her a menacing glare. "No, I saved your fucking life. Now get out of here!" he snapped.

She did not need to be told twice. She spun on her heels and ran from the scene. Once she was out of sight, he turned back to the man. This slimeball who thought it was okay to hit women was going to get his punishment. Niko grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and dragged him behind the Pay n' Spray to continue his assault.

Grabbing the man by his hair, Niko slammed the guy's head into the side of a brick wall repeatedly. Deep down inside of him, the rational side cried out for it to stop, but he couldn't. He knew he had killed the man and dropped him. All the anger within him was gone and in its place was emptiness.

He left the scene as quickly as he could and went to the Colony Island Cemetery.

The cemetery was quiet and almost peaceful. Niko laid a single rose on her grave as he always did while silently apologizing to her.

I failed her. I was meant to protect her and I failed. I was meant to look after Roman and I failed him too. Everyone I get close to is hurt in some way. Roman tells me to stay close to him and Mallorie, but I can't risk their safety.

He closed his eyes as a cool breeze blew through the cemetery. For months after her death he kept waking up hoping it was only a nightmare, but once reality set in, it all came crashing down on him once more. He hated that he hurt this much. He wished someone would come along and put him out of his misery. The world would be better off. Let him burn in hell like he deserved.

"There you are!"

Niko flinched at the feminine voice that called out to him.

Lily. She was the last person he wanted to see right now. He wished she would go away so he could drown in his misery alone. He turned around to face her as she quickly approached him.

"Why didn't you come into work today? You didn't answer your phone either," she said.

Who did she think she was? What gave you her the right to know where he was and what he was doing? He felt anger and annoyance surge through him.

"I wanted to be left alone," he replied.

She crossed her arms. "Well, you could have at least called someone to let them know you were okay. Roman and Mallorie tried calling you all day."

"Why can't any of you take the hint that I want to be left alone? I turn off phone for a reason!"

Her arms fell to her side. "Come on, don't be like this. Whatever it is bothering you, you can tell me."

He gave a bitter laugh. "And why would I need to tell you anything?" He saw the hurt expression on her face and immediately regretted what he had said, but he couldn't stop himself. "I don't have to talk to you about shit. There is nothing between us, do you understand?"

She bit her bottom lip as it trembled and she turned away from him. She was only trying to help and it made him hate himself all the more. She wasn't something he deserved.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

She shook her head, turned to face him again, and replied in a trembling voice. "I was worried you were hurt and I looked everywhere for you. We all did! I'm sorry I cared!" She turned away from him and walked back to her car. He called after, but she didn't stop to turn around. Niko could only stand there and watch as her car turned the corner and leave his sight.

The guilt and shame washed over him. Never once did she say anything negative about him. She was always kind to him and cared for his well being. Cared was the word that stuck with him the most. She cared and he wasn't worth it.

Somehow he was going to make it up to her. He owed her that much.