ACK!! NOOOOOOO!! One of my readers mentioned me loosing my touch!! That is like Stephenie Meyer breaking her hand and being told she can never write again!! Oh the horror!! Okay guys; hold onto your seats cause I am bringing funny back!! LOL hopefully… review and let me know if this chap is better… and it may be a little rough cause my editor was being lazy and didn't want to edit it… ack! LOL
Disclaimer: NO
Kung Fu Nutty's POV
"Excuse me! How dare you call me by such a degrading name!" I screamed at him. What is wrong with the world these days? EVIL!
The annoying street light above me flickered back on, however temporary. The light bulb changers were not doing their job sufficiently, lazy bums.
"I'll call you whatever I want lady," he growled back. How rude! My sight restored with the light, I glanced over this unsuspected visitor. He looked to be in his early twenties, dirty as a horse, and wearing clothes that were so large they literally were falling off of him. He stood their legs spread wide just to keep his pants above his knees.
"Do not take that tone with me young man, and pull up your pants!" My voice was demanding as I glared at this street rat.
"Look here, I wants your money or I'll be killing you missy," he slurred pulling out one of the most offensive machines I have ever seen. And his grammar was atrocious!
"It's 'I would like your money or else I will kill you'. Are you dressing like a blind man and failing English!? What has the world come to? Now put that thing away before you hurt someone."
"Give me your money!" His patience was growing thin, and as if to make his point, he shot a tree to my left.
"HEAVENS! Evil humans are already killing enough trees and you have to go and shoot one! Little boys like you, or anyone else for that matter, should not posses one of those foul killers! When was the last time you read through your bible? EVIL! You do know you are going to rot in hell right? BURNING FOREVER! Do you want that? Huh, do you?" This boy had no idea what he was getting into.
"You h-have two seconds to hand over your money," his face was panicked and he obviously was not comfortable with the situation.
"Didn't your mother teach you better! The thought of…"
"Don't you talk about my mother!"
"She must be a horrible example if she allows you to run around with a gun at night. It isn't safe! What if you shot yourself in the foot?"
"Damn it lady! I will shoot you!" That's it, I thought in fury. I was only barely aware of people approaching form behind.
"YOU WILL RESPECT ME! NOW PUT DOWN THE GUN AND PULL UP YOUR PANTS!" He was frozen silent for a minute before he turned the gun towards me. Wrong choice.
I swivel-kicked the gun out of his hands, watching it slide across the sidewalk. Then, taking advantage of his shock, I kneed him in the stomach and kicked his feet out from under him.
"Holy shit," he breathed as his face crashed into the concrete. I pinned him to the ground with him arms twisted behind his back. Luckily, I had worn a pair of pants otherwise I would have had to let him shoot me so that I didn't risk being immodest. Once I was sure I had him pinned nice and tight, I looked down to his face.
"Get the hell off me woman!" He bellowed trying to wriggle his way free, although his attempts were futile.
"Now, what is your name?" I demanded glaring at the evil boy.
"J-Jaquan…" he stuttered looking at me as if I were crazy.
"I told you to pull up your pants and put the gun down, but you had to be disrespectful," my voice was condescending, reprimanding his actions.
"Fine just get off me lady," he ceased his wiggling looking highly pissed off.
"Excuse me?" My eyebrows rose daringly at him.
"I mean ma'am."
"Better, now go home to your mother and tell her you're are sorry for being a rotten son. Then apologize to God, going to church every Sunday. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yeah, sure," he mumbled sarcastically. I don't think so. If he wanted to be evil, then he would have to pay the costs. Quickly, I located a certain pressure point, successfully knocking him out cold. Straightening up, I turned around to face the whole Cullen family starring at me as if I were insane. Bella was clinging tightly to Edward's back, piggyback style. All of them looked slightly disheveled, their hair messy as if windblown. Suddenly everything clicked into place as I assessed their appearances. I wasn't stupid and figured out their little secret immediately.
"Oh my Lord!" I exclaimed my eyes widening in shock, swiftly turning into pure rage. How many children did I have to discipline tonight?
"You are all EVIL! I cannot believe this! Actually the sad part is I can!" my voice was high pitched in hysteria. They very thought…
Carlisle was the first to regain composure and shut his gapping mouth, "What are you…"
"I know why you're here! Playing innocent pretending to go shopping! Oh my! You ditched the cameramen and snuck out to this park to be evil!" My discovery was both disturbing and infuriating. They could never fool me. I knew they had snuck out to this deserted corner of the park to… to… to do evil things that teenagers found pleasing! SIN!! On top of that, Carlisle was with them as if a chaperone would make their actions any better. How disgraceful!
"Yes, that's exactly why we are out in the park at night Nutty," Edward replied with a roll of his eyes, "Our sole purpose was to fool around with each other with our father watching. Sounds so very fun and tempting." My intelligence allowed me to realize that his sarcasm was just a cover up because he knew he had been caught red handed. Those scandalous evildoers!
Bella's POV
I was only slightly aware of what was going on when we left the club. Mrs. Nutcracker had done something stupid and gotten herself in some trouble and we, well my supernatural vampire family, were going to save her. Well, that's what we had thought at first.
When we reached the secluded section of Central Park where Alice had seen Stacy, we didn't find her with a bullet hole in her head or anything close. She was yelling at a terrifying looking gangster. She was definitely insane. If we were stunned by her reaction, we almost died (if vampires could) of disbelief when she pinned him to the ground and then knocked him out with some fancy pressure point. Wow, this woman can sure kick ass when she wants to.
Apparently she thought we were not here for her, instead to fool around. Yeah right, I wish… I mean how silly. Truth is, Edward would never allow something so "animalistic", although I thought it would be kind of hot… Anyway Emmett was still slack jawed at what we had stumbled upon.
"Oh my God. Did Mrs. Nutcracker, the nuttiest Nutter Butter alive, just crack a nutcase?" Emmett breathed still surprised.
"I believe she did," came Jasper's equally shocked reply.
"Well hot diggidy dog!! You go girl!" Emmett's comment caused some small chuckles, except for Nutty who had her nose in their air all high and mighty. That's Stacy for you.
"Umm… well I think we should get back to the hotel then," Carlisle reasoned not quite sure how to handle the situation. We did just that, leaving behind the mugger to catch some Zs. Jasper quickly grabbed his gun though just in case he decided to take out his embarrassment on some unfortunate human walking the park in the morning.
The next day was full of more shopping and sightseeing. This time, Nutty was forced to come with us to avoid any more mishaps.
Eventually it was time to go home, and by the time I was back at the Cullen house and well rested, it was Friday morning. Great, this was the last day of freedom. Tomorrow would be the day Mrs. Nutcracker got the rights to bossing everyone around. Oh joy.
"So Alice what is the agenda for today?" I asked over breakfast. Nutty was still upstairs doing who knows what. Everyone else, with the exception of Carlisle who was working today, was lounging around the kitchen picking at plates of human food without really eating it.
"Well as you all know, today is our last day of freedom," at this a chorus of depressed moans rang out into the morning air," I know, and I was thinking we should go out with a bang. If this is the last day of no rules, then I say we make the most of it." Her declaration caught the attention of everyone in the room. It sounded like an excellent idea.
Emmett grinned devilishly at the possibilities, "What did you have in mind dear sister?"
"Definitely the theme park," she squealed clapping her hands. Oh boy, I thought dreadfully on the many rides they would drag my butt on.
"SWEET! I LOVE ROLLARCOASTERS!" Emmett boomed looking just as excited as Alice, " Hear that Rosie! Theme Park!" He picked her up off the ground in an uncomfortable looking bear hug.
"Put me down idiot, of course I heard. I'm not bloody deaf," she hissed glaring at her possibly mentally incapacitated husband.
"Great! Go get ready, we leave in half an hour," Alice danced out to the kitchen. I followed Edward up to his room… our room, I smiled at the thought… to go prepare for today's adventure.
--
"But I wana drive!" Edward whined for the hundredth time since I told him we would be riding with Emmett and Rosalie in the Jeep. So far all my excuses had not convinced him leading me to take another approach.
"No you don't," I looked him dead in the eyes.
"Yes, I do."
"Nah Ah."
"And why not?"
"Because if you drove, you would have to pay attention to the road."
"And?" He questioned clearly not seeing where I was going with this.
"Well I thought you might want to look at something more interesting for the drive… like maybe me…" okay I actually just wanted to ride with Emmet so that I wouldn't get stuck in the same car as Nutty. This way Jasper and Alice would be stuck with her.
"Fine," he admitted to defeat slipping on another one of the outfits Alice prepared for him. By now he realized the pointlessness in arguing with her, so he just did as asked. Today she had him in a pair of form fitting blue jeans and a red shirt that said "Dedicated Life Guard…" on the front and then on the back it read "Professional at mouth to mouth". Hmm, maybe I could get him to put his shirt to good use…
"Let's roll people!" Alice called as we piled into the two cars. I was a bit skeptical of the roller coasters, but I was still excited for the day ahead of me. My future siblings could turn any day into a hilarious riot.
We had been cruising down the road for about ten minutes when a song that apparently Emmett was very fond of came on. Previously I hated the song, but when Emmett started to sing it, I swear I died and came back to life from laughter.
I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie wooorld!
Life is plastic
It's fantastic
You can brush my hair
Undress me everywhere
Imagination
Life is you creation
He sang in a high, just sucked a helium balloon, voice shaking his hips as best he could behind the wheel. Halfway through, Edward joined in just for the heck of it.
I a blonde little girl in the fantasy world
Dress me up, make me shine
I'm your dolly
You're my doll, rock and roll
Feel the glamour and fame
Kiss me here, touch me there
Hanky Panky
Then Emmett took over again.
You can touch
You can play
If you say, I'm always yours
Ooowo
I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world
Life is plastic
Its' fantastic
You can brush my hair
Undress me everywhere
Imagination
Life is your creation
Both
Come on Barbie, Let's go party
Ah Ah Ah yeah
Come on Barbie, Let's go party
Ooowo Ooowo
Come on Barbie, Let's go party
Ah Ah Ah yeah
Come on Barbie, Let's go party
Ooowo Ooowo
Edward
Make me walk, make me talk
Do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees
Emmett
Come jump in
Be my friend
Let us do it again
Pick a town, fool around
Let's go party
Both
You can touch, you can play
If you say I'm always yours
By now, Rosalie and me were both hunched over laughing so hard we could hardly breathe. This of course only spurred the guys on further as they finished the song.
Oh I'm having so much fun!
Well Barbie, we're just getting started
Oh I love you Ken
They were both imitating the high-pitched Barbie voice to match the part. It was classic.
"Oh I love you Ken!" I squealed mockingly blinking my eyelashes overly flirtatious at Edward sending out another round of laughter. We continued to sing ridiculous songs with the radio until we finally made it to the amusement park.
"Fun ride?" Alice asked knowingly, winking at us before heading over to purchase tickets.
Once we made our way through the ticket turn stands, I looked around at my surroundings in both amusement and horror. There was no way in heck I was getting on those rides. Well, at least not as long as I was still human.
We were yet undecided as to where we wanted to go, so we just started to walk in a general direction seeing what struck our appeal with Nutty trailing behind in her usual 'everything is evil and will burn in hell' mood. Only a few short minutes of excitement passed before I heard two all too familiar squeals.
Standing in front of us was none other than Jessica and Lauren, both giggling and openly starring at Edward. The cameras following us around only increased their interest. I had expected them to approach us, but instead they just walked past staring and giggling. Okay? Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. HA, right!
A few minutes later, we walked past them… again. They had come from the same direction as before except now they had about five other girls with them. I was even more confused when they just walked past us without saying anything to us just as before. The whispered amongst themselves, meanwhile training their skimpy eyes on my man.
Unsurprisingly, not more than two minutes later we were walking by the same group of girls, except one of the ones I didn't know was carrying a water bottle. When they saw us coming, she quickly downed half of the water bottle before leaping in front of Edward on the ground with her hands on her throat. She started to thrash around making choking noises while her friends screamed in panic. Well, they attempted to but it was so fake that I almost pitied them. At first I thought they were insane, and this new girl must be having some kind of seizure when I remembered Edward's shirt. Damn it!
"Oh Mr. Dedicated Life Guard! Help! Help! Natalie is drowning! Oh no! Use your mouth to mouth skills Mr. Dedicated!" Another unknown girl wailed in an extremely annoying, nasally voice. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett were all doubled over in laughter while Edward stared wide-eyed obviously not knowing what to do.
"I... uhh… I'm off duty," he mumbled before grabbing my hand and running in the opposite direction. We stopped in front of one of those rip off restaurants you find in theme parks where they charge like a hundred dollars for a small cup of pop.
"Oh Edward! Save her!" Emmett mocked between laughs.
"Don't let her drown!" Jasper remarked with a feigned look of horror.
"Shut up! You can't drown on land idiots!" Edward growled, half hiding behind me in case the group of girls decided to follow us.
Alice's laughs died off, a plotting look taking over her face, "What do you guys say to having a bit of fun with old Nutter butter over there?" She glanced over her shoulder towards Nutty who was currently mumbling to herself glaring at any innocent people that passed by.
"I say let us in on your little scheme right away," I claimed rubbing my hands together evilly. What? A bit of harmless fun was okay once in a while right? Who was I kidding, I had just been hanging out with Emmett and Alice way too much.
"Let's make a bet. Whoever can prank Nutty the best before the day is up wins! Hmmm… and let's make the losers… oh I got it! The losers get to ride with Nutty on the way back, especially torturous after she is thoroughly pissed form the pranks!" Alice's idea was both brilliant and would definitely be entertaining.
"Boys versus girls!" I added inching closer to my soon-to-be sisters. If I planned on winning, my best bet was with them. They were geniuses when it came to payback or pranks.
"But I want you on my team Bella," Edward looked at me with that heartbreaking pout of his.
"Stop it Edward, it's girls versus idiots whether you like it or not!" Rosalie and I giggled at her choice of words; "Each team only gets one chance so you better make it good."
"Oh it's going to be like that huh! You're on ladies!" Emmett bellowed puffing out his chest proudly. Jasper and Edward nodded in agreement eyeing us with the daring look of competition. I was about to take off with the girls to plan something when Emmett's eyes lit up and I swear I saw a light bulb flick on above his head.
"I got it guys! We are so going to win!" He ran into the rip off restaurant next to us, emerging a few minutes later with a tray of French fries and one hand behind his back. What in the heck was he doing now?
"Emmett," Edward's voice was slow and demanding," What are you doing? He keeps repeating how awesome his idea is, so I have no idea what he's planning!" He turned to Jasper, eyes alarmed. His emotion-controlling brother was too sidetracked by the overwhelming excitement and eagerness coming from Emmett that it was leaking out to all of us.
"Yo Nut Terminator! I have something for ya!" He hollered in her direction.
"Nut Terminator?" I questioned wondering where in the heck her got this new nickname.
"Yeah well she is a Nut cracker, you know like she cracks nuts. I think terminator sounds better than cracker." Somehow his logic made perfect sense to his crazy mind, whilst to everyone else he was just plain silly and weird.
"What are you yelling about? It's something evil isn't it!" Nutty stalked over to Emmett trying to look in charge and intimidating, but her 5'4'' stature compared to the giant that was Emmett made her look small and inadequate.
"Aww come on Nuttzo, you know you like me!" He swung his arm over her shoulder with one of his goofy grins spread across his face.
"Do. Not. TOUCH ME! EVIL! I HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY EVIL! AHH! WHERE'S MY HOLY WATER!" She screamed gaining the attention of those around us. Geez she was so overly dramatic and annoying.
"Calm down Nuthead! I just wanted to give you these here fries!"
"You poisoned them! You are trying to kill me!"
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did!"
"Nah Uhh"
"Yeah huh!"
"Look, I just thought you might want some nice French fries. I'm told that these here fries were blessed by the pope," his face was totally serious, but I could see the mirth glowing in his eyes. Where did he come up with this stuff?
"Really? The pope? Well, then I guess its okay," her reasoning was perfectly ludicrous, but that's Nutty for ya. She took the tray of fries from him eyeing it warily.
'Oh wait! Don't forget your pope praising salt!" Emmett withdrew a classic saltshaker from behind his back that he must have "borrowed" from the restaurant.
"Oh thanks…"
"NOOO! DON"T!" Edward cried at the last minute finally realizing what was about to happen. He was too late.
Nuttzo tipped the salt shaker over her fries watching as the loose metal cap detached from the glass container allowing the salt to flow freely over the fries forming a little white mountain. We all just stared at Emmett as he burst out laughing.
"She… She got salt everywhere! N-Now her fries are ruined!" He cried hysterically clutching his stomach, laughter pouring out of him as if this were the most hilarious thing he had ever seen, "Classic! Ahhhhh… I so won this bet."
"Oh. My. God." Edward and Jasper growled at the same time glaring at their brother. Nutty simply shrugged her shoulders, threw away the too salty fries, and continued to glare at people for no apparent reason.
Emmett finally noticed he was the only one laughing, "Aw come on guys! That was great! I have always wanted to do that prank but since we don't really eat food I never had the chance! This was better than I thought! Did you see the cap just fall off like that? It was so cool!"
"Emmett," Jasper continued to glower, "Do you realize you just wasted our chance to prank her?"
"What do you mean waist? That prank couldn't have worked any better!"
"NO YOU BLUNDERING SORRY EXCUSE FOR A FREAKING SIBLING! THAT WAS THE LAMEST PRANK I HAVE EVER SEEN AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHANCE AT WINNING! Alls the girls would have to do to beat us is freaking tie her shoelaces together or something! Damn it!" We all stared at Jasper in surprise. He never lost his cool, with minimal exceptions to which I had never witnessed. I guess he really did not like the idea of ridding home with Nutty. I wondered what had happened on the drive up here?
"But that prank was sweet!"
"No Emmet, no it wasn't," Edward sighed angrily.
"I think that was a great idea Emmet!" Rosalie purred in his ear with a huge smile on her face.
"See! Rose thought it was a great prank!" Emmett scoffed crossing his arms in defiance.
"No, I thought it was great of you to sabotage your team so bad that the only way us girls would loose would be by forfeit, which will never happen."
Emmett simply rolled his eyes mumbling something about how "we were no fun" and "wouldn't know a good prank if it slapped us in the face."
Esme's POV
"Only one more day!" Lisa squealed energetically. By now I had almost managed to break them fully out of their perfect little girl shells. True, I still had to abide by Nutty, as I have come to find out is her new nickname with my family, and her insane rules. That, though, would all change tomorrow. I couldn't wait to discard the chains that hold these darling girls in cruel imprisonment and let them be free to stretch their wings.
"Yes little one, tomorrow we dump the rules," I smiled encouragingly at the both of them.
Jena's eyes grew big in wonder, "All of them?" Was it really that unexpected? They were wonderful young ladies; I expected them to know how to behave themselves with out stupid restraints.
"Unless of course you like them?"
"NO! I-I mean I would love to see what you feel is proper parenting," Jenna's eyes dropped to the floor in embarrassment.
"Nice save," my laughter eased her up a bit, "Yes, it will be a fun day tomorrow, but right now I believe you have bible study."
"Yes, of course." They answered before scurrying off to collect their materials. I found it so cute how they would sometimes complete each other's sentences or talk at the same time. It's like thy have a deeper connection unshared by normal siblings. The mystery of twins.
So far I have come to find out that Lisa is the brain of the two, while Jena is more creative. They even each other out perfectly, although Jena sometimes jokes that she only got a third of the brain when they split. I didn't think this true at all, for they were both bright girls just strong in different areas. It made sense.
"Okay everyone in," I slide into the family vehicle to take them to their study. I rarely drove at home, what with five crazy kids driving ten times the speed limit. I too had a thing for speed, but I would never give in to my desires while with these girls… okay so maybe next week…
I pulled up to a red light preparing to make a left when I caught sight of a dairy queen on the right hand side of a grocery parking lot. Hmm…
Carefully I maneuvered the car into the right turning lane.
"Mrs. Cullen, I think you are going the wrong way," came Lisa's timid voice from the backseat. I didn't reply. There was no line in the drive through, and we were still kind of early for the bible study, so I decided to make a detour. No harm right? The car slide easily up to the little ordering box.
"What would you girls like?"
They both gasped in shock simultaneously. "I uhh… I don't know. I have never had ice cream," Jena admitted while her sister nodded in agreement. Wow, these children were truly deprived. Even I remembered from my past life the joy of the cool substance on a hot day running down my throat like heaven on earth.
"Can I have two swirl cones please?" I spoke loud enough for the speaker man to hear.
"Coming right up."
"Thank you!" Jena smiled at me.
"Very much!" Added her sister. Two peas in a pod. I handed them their treats with a welcome, finally heading toward their scheduled date with a bible and a few perfect little rich girls.
"Yum!"
"Delicious!" Came their satisfied commentary as they politely ate their ice creams. Tomorrow, I could actually give them treats without having to hide it from the cameras and their father. The true fun would finally begin.
There you go!! Please tell me you at least giggled a bit! Okay well REVIEW peeps!! Next chap soon… it will finish up the last day of freedom for the Cullen house! And the… the much anticipated switch of the rules!! YAY!! LOL
-Edwardluvr22
P.S.- REVIEW lots and I may be so inclined to update the next chap really soon... like in a couple days!! So hit that review button and share your thoughts!! Thanx!!