I took a deep breath before knocking on the door in front of me. I wanted, needed, to do this, but I was still terrified. I had no idea what I was going to say, and I had no idea what any replies were going to be.
But I had to at least try.
When Jasper had gone, I thought a lot. Then I went for a walk and thought some more. He was right – I should go and talk to her. But that was a lot easier to say than to do.
I'd gone to the reception to ask what room Alice was in – with the excuse that she'd left her jacket and I'd been the one to find it. The girl didn't look convinced, but after a few more minutes she told me.
As it turns out, she wasn't even in the same dorm as me, like I'd thought that day she'd been in the showers. In fact, she wasn't even in a dorm. She lived in one of the little outbuildings dotted around campus. They were, essentially, little houses. That made me even more curious about why she'd been there that day.
I had a hard time trying to stop myself from thinking that it might have been because of me that she was there.
Thoughts like that needed to stop.
Especially now.
Now I had to concentrate, because this was it. This was the moment that I'd been waiting for her since my first day here.
I knocked three times, and got no answer. Now, in any other situation, I would have never done what I did next. But I was desperate, and I didn't know if I would ever have the courage to do this again.
So I pushed down on the handle, and it opened under my touch. The door swung open slowly, and I glanced around me to check that there was no-one looking. Then I slipped quietly inside, shutting the door behind me.
Surprise, surprise, I could hear soft music playing. I looked around as I walked slowly through the hallway, trying to figure out which room she was in. I couldn't see her, but I figured the closer to the music I got, the closer I'd get to her.
The door to whatever room was shut, and I could tell that it wasn't her singing. This time, it was actually a song I knew:
And all I can taste is this moment And I don't want the world to see me And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
I paused for a second, just listening to the music. Then I braced myself. I had, by now, thought of what I was going to say first. But I knew from experience that these things never went how you planned them.
I pushed the door open softly, trying not to make too much noise and startle her. When there was no response I slid through the gap.
It was the bedroom, and she was sprawled across the bed, lying on her front with her head hidden by her arms. She was hardly wearing anything, which was not helping my self-control.
Girls as gorgeous as her should not be allowed to wear tiny shorts and tight shirts.
Just saying.
"Alice?" She still hadn't noticed me, and after watching her from the doorway for a few moments I decided I'd better make my presence known. She scrambled into a sitting position and ended up nearly falling off the bed in the process.
Her hair was all messed up, and she looked like she'd been crying. Not to mention like she hadn't slept that night.
And I'd still never seen anyone look so beautiful.
"Bella? What … what are you doing here? Wait – how did you get in here?" She didn't look or sound angry, only confused. I took a step forward, and I saw her eyes follow the movement.
"I … I knocked. But then you didn't answer, and the door wasn't locked … Look, I just need to talk to you, ok? I'll go when I'm done, I promise."
"I would have thought, from the other day, that you didn't want to see me again." She failed at keeping any hurt from her voice, and it killed me to know that I was the cause.
"I'm sorry."
"What? That we kissed or that you ran away? Which one? Because really, Bella, I have no idea what you want. I thought … I thought you wanted me to kiss you, and then you just … left. Why?"
"I left because I shouldn't have let things go that far. I … I was getting carried away. And I don't want … I don't want to be just another girl who you sleep with and then don't even look at again. I can't be that girl."
"Bella, you were never going to be that girl. I wouldn't have let you … I wouldn't have been able to let myself do that to you."
"Why?"
"Why? Bella, I've never felt so … so drawn to anyone like I was to you. The first time I saw you … I wanted to know you better. I tried to act like you didn't affect me, because I didn't know how to act around you.
"You threw me. No-one else has ever been able to that. I couldn't second-guess you, I couldn't read you … you were a mystery to me. And you genuinely seemed to care about me, though I fail to see how you could.
"I stayed away for a while, because I didn't know what to do or say when you were close. You were intriguing, but you wouldn't let me in. And you frustrated me, and made me want you even more.
"At first I just treated you like I would any other girl – but it didn't work. And that was what made me finally … finally see you, y'know?You weren't like anyone else, and what at first had been just plain old desire … It turned into something else. And before I'd even realized it, I was falling for you … But I didn't have a clue if you felt the same."
I could barely believe what I was hearing. I honestly couldn't. I'd been waiting for so long for this that I couldn't comprehend it. In fact, I really, really needed a sit down.
The bed was closest, and I kind of fell onto it. Alice stayed where she was, in the centre, and watched me warily. I was probably confusing her again, but I didn't care.
I just needed a second to think it through.
"I … I had no idea that you felt that way." I raised my eyes to meet hers, and there was more vulnerability in her gaze than I had ever seen on anyone else in my life. I felt the overwhelming need to comfort her, to get that expression off her face.
I was pretty sure that this was a side of Alice that no-one had ever seen before.
"That day, Alice, I ran away because I wanted to be sure that we wanted the same thing. But I couldn't concentrate on that while you were in the room with me. You're so … distracting. I shouldn't have left, but I did, and I'm sorry about that.
"But I need to know what you want from me. Because I know now that I can't just be friends with you – I'm in too deep for that. I'm falling for you, too, and that fucking terrifies me, but I can live with it if I know you're feeling the same thing.
"But I need to know that you've changed. The girls, the drugs … I can't deal with that on top of everything else. I just can't."
"I know. And it's stopped, I swear, Bella. I've done some stupid shit in my life, but I do have a reason for it. And I'll tell you, one day, I promise. But I've never told anyone else before. I've never trusted anyone else before. Not really.
"But you … I think I can trust you. And I want to try and be in a relationship with you, even though I've never really tried that, either. But I think I can do this. For you. For us."
She had moved so that she was sitting closer to me, and once again I felt the urge to kiss her. So I did, but I kept it chaste – getting caught up in the moment now was just not an option.
"I want to try, too. But I want to do this properly." She looked back to her old self, now, and when she smirked at me, you know that smirk, I felt my heart do something funny in my chest.
Guess there really was no way out anymore.
"Yeah? Ok, then. Let me take you out on a date. Tonight." Her voice was soft, playful, and I was so glad that things had gone so well.
"Hmm, what if I'm busy?"
"Tough."
"I'll think about it."
"I'll give you something to think about." She leaned forward again and pressed her lips to mine, moving closer again so that she was closer to me. My hands slipped to her waist, and hers brushed against the back of my neck.
I shivered and opened my mouth to her, and she brushed her tongue against mine softly before pulling back.
"So, what were you saying?" She was close enough that she breathed the words against my lips, but when I tried to kiss her again she pulled back again.
"Yes, I will definitely go on a date with you if you kiss me some more."
"Then you'll have nothing to look forward to later. I'll pick you up at eight. Don't wear anything too formal." Then she kissed me once again, quickly, before she hoped off the bed and opened the door for me, waving me out.
I shook my head but went anyway, wondering what on earth I was getting myself into.
A date with Alice Brandon.
Who would have thought?
"Wait, say that again."
"Jasper. I've told you already. Three times. Now, make yourself useful and help me pick something to wear! I have …"
"Three hours. You have three hours Bella. Chill." Jasper was lounging on my bed while I paced outside my closet. He'd been here when I'd gotten back from my talk with Alice, and he'd practically been bouncing with enthusiasm.
And he wouldn't shut up until I'd told him everything.
Men.
"I still need to find something, though! Please help me."
"Jeez. You haven't even been out once and you're already stressing. You're whipped already, Bells."
"I am not!"
"Yeah you are. Out of my way." He pushed me aside and started rooting through my clothes. I went and sat on the bed, watching him paw through my stuff. In the end, he threw a pair of black jeans and a black and white top at me.
"There you go. Not too casual, not too formal. You'll be fine. Wear some black flats with that and you're sorted."
"What should I do with my hair?"
"Dear God. You've turned into a monster." I threw a pillow at him, but he caught it easily and tossed it back on the bed behind me.
"I just want tonight to be perfect."
"And it will be – but only if you stop stressing. And curl your hair, for a change."
"I, uh, don't have any curling irons." I ignored the horrified look he shot me, and shot him a sheepish smile. He shook his head and grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet.
"Where are we going?" He didn't answer me – instead he took me for a walk. I didn't have a clue where we were going, but I let him tow me along anyway. We ended up outside someone's door.
I had a feeling I knew who it belonged to, and I didn't really like where this was going.
Jasper knocked and waited until we heard footsteps on the other side of the door. When it swung open, my thoughts were proved correct.
Rosalie.
Perfect. Now I was going to get the twenty questions on why I wanted my hair doing. And, inevitably, seeing as I just can not lie, she'll find out I'm going on a date.
And then she'll probably find out who.
And then she'll probably get mad.
Yay.
"Bella. Jasper. What's up?" She motioned us inside, and Jasper tugged me forward. Emmet was inside, sprawled across a sofa. He smiled and waved as we entered, and I waved back.
"We need help. Well, Bella needs help. She wants her hair done."
"Why?" I looked away from her curious eyes, instead focusing on the lovely wallpaper they had in that room. Purple.
"Bellaaaaaaaaaa? Come on, you got a hot date or something?" Damn Emmet. I blushed, because my stupid brain is too stupid to be able to help me out at all. "Aha! With who? Do I know her?"
I didn't answer him – I was still looking at the wall, and Jasper didn't either, which I was grateful for.
"Look, it doesn't matter. Just help her out, Rose."
"Only if she tells me who it is." Glancing back at Rose, I saw that there was genuine curiosity in her eyes. I sighed. Oh well, may as well get this over with – she was going to find out somehow and I'd rather it was from me than from someone else.
"It's with Alice, ok?"
"What? Brandon?"
"Yup." There was silence for a few seconds, while everyone (by that I mean Emmet and Rosalie) absorbed this new information.
"I hope you know what you're doing."
"I do."
"Be careful."
"I will."
"But will you?"
"She's changed, Rose. And according to Jasper, it's a pretty obvious one. Just … let me do this, ok? Please."
"She can still hurt you."
"You think I don't know that? You think that the thought hasn't crossed my mind? That I haven't thought about that every fucking day since I started here? I know, Rose. And I tried, I tried to stay away from her, like you told me.
"But I can't do it anymore. I can't. And if it doesn't work, I tried. I can get on with my life, knowing that I gave it a go. But I'm going to give her a chance, whether you want me to or not."
"I want you to be happy, Bella, I do, but …"
"But nothing. What's done is done. I know she did whatever to you friend. But I can take care of myself. Just please, please try to accept this. I value you as a friend, Rose, and I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, because I'm not. Just … just try and trust me on this, ok? And if it doesn't work out, well, I'll let you be the first to say 'I told you so'."
I could practically see her mind working, trying to absorb it and move on. And when she turned away from me I thought for a second that she wasn't going to accept it.
But then she called out behind her, and I knew we'd be ok.
"You coming or not?"
A/N: Thoughts?
Life's been a gigantic pain in the ass, lately, so updates might be a little slower than I planned. You'd think that with no more college things would brighten up, wouldn't you? But not with my friends. *sigh*
Anyway, some people should have a little more faith in me. As if I'd do something stupid. The paring says Bella and Alice, yes? So what do you expect? Come on. Believe in me a little.