Chapter 11

Friends.

That's what Ezra and I both agreed on. The truth of it was that we were better with each other in our lives. I knew that having Ezra in my life as a friend was better than not having him at all. I had the ability to fix this. If I could just tell Ezra that I remembered that night and that my feelings remained the same everything would go back to normal, but I was sick and tired of always being the one to fight for our relationship. Every step of the way I was usually the one trying to convince him that what I felt was true, and the few times I had actually walked away he always came barreling after in a matter of minutes. Not this time. It had been a month since that night. I started letting myself believe that maybe he didn't really still love me like he used to. Maybe he moved on in all the time we were apart, using me being drunk when I confessed my feelings as an out for him. A way for him to say that he was trying to do the right thing and stop being selfish when in reality he was thankful for the escape. I pushed the thoughts to the far back corners of my mind, but as the days went on the thoughts slowly creeped their way forward. He knew how I felt, and if he didn't count that night as valid proof then he had nearly three years of our relationship to look back on. Every moment we spent together, even the fights; it was all proof that what we had was once in a lifetime. Still, every time I found myself walking out of his apartment and into Tony's arms I was afraid. Afraid of losing Ezra for good, afraid of actually being able to move on with Tony, afraid of finding out that maybe we weren't as meant to be as I always thought.

"What's up?" Ezra asked, placing a cup of water on the coffee table in front of me before sitting next to me on the couch.

"Just thinking," I replied, reaching for the glass.

"About?"

How much I love him. How much we love each other. Why we are sitting on opposite sides of the couch instead of lying in his bed tangled within the sheets. I shrugged, taking a long sip of water and setting the glass carefully back on the table.

Ezra furrowed his brow, "Is something wrong?"

I shook my head, "No, just a little stressed out. It's nothing."

He raised an eyebrow, seeing through my horrible attempt at reassuring him. I waited for him to speak up; to call my bluff and make me talk. I waited to see his eyes flood with the desperation they always had when he needed to find out what was bothering me. Instead, he shrugged. He sank back into his seat letting out a defeated sigh, and with that my heart sank to the pit of my stomach, because there was a time when he would force me to tell him. There was a time when he cared enough to know, and couldn't sleep until he did.

My arm stretched out to the side unconsciously searching for the warmth of his body, only to be met with sheets that were cold and empty, "Ezra?" I called out softly, sitting up from the bed and squinting as my eyes adjusted to the darkness.

"I'm in here," his voice came from the kitchen and he stood by the counter holding a mug of what I assumed to be coffee.

I slid my legs off the bed and pulled the covers off of my body, shivering as I stood and my legs met the harsh winter air. I loved wearing his t-shirts but they certainly didn't provide the warmth needed on nights like these, especially for my bare legs, "What are you doing up?" I asked sleepily, glancing at the clock that now read two-thirty.

"Sorry, I couldn't sleep," he said, fiddling with the cup in his palms.

I walked over to him, noticing that he was still wearing nothing but his boxers from last night. The area under his eyes was dark due to lack of sleep, "This isn't helping," I said, taking the coffee from his hands and setting it aside. I bit my lip and swept my eyes over his naked chest wondering how he wasn't shivering like I was, "Is this still about..." I trailed off.

He nodded slowly.

"Forget about it, okay? It's nothing, I swear," I muttered.

"Don't give me that."

"It doesn't matter, Ezra!" I said, frustrated, praying that he would drop the subject.

He rolled his eyes, "Yes it does, Aria. When are you going to realize that I can't live knowing that someone is hurting you? I can't just sit back and watch my girlfriend-"

"There's nothing you can do, Ezra! If I told you it would only put you in danger!" I raised my voice, trying to find a way to make him understand that he couldn't save me from this.

"I don't care-"

"I do! I'm not going to let you get hurt because of what's going on," I whispered, dropping my eyes to the floor. I had seen too many people that I loved get hurt because they knew too much, or because they knew anything about A at all. I wanted to tell him. I hated the look in his eyes when he knew I was lying and I hated how I could see him blame himself for my secrecy. It killed me, but seeing him like that was better than seeing him dead.

He stepped around the counter to where I stood and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him as my eyes stayed locked to the ground. His body was surprisingly warm and I sank willfully into his embrace, "You can't get involved in this, Ezra. You can't help me..." I said, pressing my cheek and hand to his chest as I leaned my weight against his body, reveling in the warmth it provided.

His lips pressed against the top of my head, "Please, let me try." His voice was so soothing and his body so inviting that I couldn't help but melt within his arms. Every fear of mine was overshadowed by the burning desire to tell him the truth. I couldn't help it as I buried my face in his chest and began letting out heavy sobs, unable to hold on to the secrets that were about to spill endlessly from my mouth.

Being here with Ezra was like rewatching an old movie. Eight o'clock, chinese take-out scattered across the coffee table, the radio softly playing in the background, but this time I was not trapped between the floor and Ezra, my fingers pulling on the hem of his shirt; the result of an innocent attempt to remove sauce from my upper lip that had gone too far, no. I was sitting on the floor, cleaning the corners of my mouth with a napkin as I listened to him speak. His words hung in the air just as I remembered and the hours seemed to pass by effortlessly as we talked. The professor and his student once again tucked away inside the safe walls of a one room apartment, laughing and forgetting about the constant movement of the world around them. In a way it was sort of poetic how we ended up exactly where we started. Not sure where we stood with one another, hiding away from judgement as we figured it out. He told me about his life during the time we spent apart and I did the same, conveniently leaving out the details where I'd spent the rest of the summer after graduation crying alone in my bed and the next year of college drinking the pain away and screwing any guy that came my way. Until I met Tony, of course. The one person I'd truly connected with ever since my traumatic break up with Ezra, and the person who would soon become my best friend. It was as good as a replacement could get for everything I'd lost. It was enough to make me believe that maybe it wouldn't be impossible to forget, but here I was with Ezra, playing a game that would undoubtedly end in breaking Tony's heart if I played it right. I found it hard to care about the people I might hurt in the process though, as my eyes wandered carelessly over Ezra's lips wishing nothing but to feel them on mine.

"They offered me the job and I guess I just figured, why not? My favorite city, a great teaching position... Are you spacing out again?" Ezra asked. I didn't realize I had been staring directly at the wall until Ezra waved his hand in front of my face, flashing his signature smile as he did so, "Alright, something's on your mind. I can tell," he said as I quickly brought my attention back to him.

I shook my head just like I had earlier that day.

"Don't do that, okay? Tell me-" he insisted, interrupted by the buzzing coming from my pocket.

I sighed, thankful for the opportunity to ignore his request and glanced down at the screen.

Nobody's seen you all day. Is everything okay? I was thinking about grabbing a late dinner, wanna come?
-Tony

"You okay?"

"Yeah, it's just Tony. He wants to go out to dinner," I said, looking around at the empty cartons of food lying around the apartment.

"Oh..." Ezra mumbled, the slightest hint of sadness flashing across his eyes, "Do you need to go?"

"I can stay," I said hopefully, chewing on my bottom lip.

Ezra stood up and walked towards the kitchen, picking up our leftover chinese containers as he went, "No..." he gulped and cleared his throat, "No you should be with Tony," he threw away the cartons and leaned his forearms against the counter taking a deep breath.

I stood up and made my way towards him, "I've already eaten."

He shook his head, "You should be with Tony," he repeated, this time much softer.

"Do you want me to stay?" I asked, stopping only a few inches away from his body and looking into his deep blue eyes.

He furrowed his brow and stared at me curiously. His breathing slowed considerably as his eyes grew dark with lust. Suddenly, he stepped back, "No," he choked out, pulling nervously at the bottom of his shirt, "It's fine, it's getting kind of late, anyways."

I laughed lightly in disbelief, standing my ground for a moment before eventually heading for the door, "Goodbye Ezra."

I entered the hallway and mentally counted the seconds in my head as I walked towards the stairs. My heart skipped a beat as I heard a door creak open, "Aria?"

My smile stretched across my entire face as I turned to face him coming my way. Every second spent trying to prove that we weren't anything less than soul mates, forcing myself to walk away from all the chances I had to let myself move on with Tony, it had finally paid off as I stood face to face with Ezra.

He smiled back, extending his hand to me, "You forgot your phone."

My heart sank again, ripping apart my insides until I couldn't breathe anymore. My hand was stiff as I tried to reach out for my phone, managing to curl my fingers around the object and mumble out a 'thanks' before he turned and walked away. Maybe fate didn't exist.

Sorry, I've been studying in the library. I'll meet you outside your dorm in 10?
-Aria

This is what my life had recently become. I was constantly moving back and forth between my past and my present. I had no real sense of direction or any clue as to what I was doing. One moment I was in Ezra's apartment wishing that something would happen and the next I was with Tony, making that something happen. It was a battle between my memories and reality that was slowly, but surely, tearing me in two. Perhaps because I wasn't following through on my end of the deal. I was stretching my heart from Ezra to Tony like a game of tug-of-war that no one could win, except I was the one pulling myself towards Ezra, he was pushing me away. I wasn't letting go like I promised myself. I was holding on for my life because I didn't know how to live any other way. I didn't know how to let Ezra go, and eventually I had to accept that maybe I never would. But I also had to accept that maybe my dream of waiting for him to come after me was nothing but a childish fantasy, because I knew that as soon as I stopped holding on to Ezra he wouldn't fight it. So why, after all of this, could I still refuse to let him go? Why was I still trying to find a reason to hold on? These questions were strapped like a ball and chain to my ankle as I walked to Tony's dorm, dragging the weight with each step I made, the chain refusing to slip off and let me be free.

A/N

Once again thank you for being patient. I'm so grateful for all of the feedback I've been getting on this story and I'm sorry that I've been slow. Again, I'm kind of frustrated with how I ended this one... For some reason I just can't seem to get what I'm thinking into words so I apologize if any of it is confusing or horrible, I know this story has been sort of back and forth lately. As of now I am only planning one or two more chapters for this fic before I finish it. I know how I want it to end and I feel like if I string it out it's just going to get a lot worse than it has been recently. Thank you for all of your support with this, I really appreciate it and I hope that you can enjoy this chapter even though I screwed it up a bit. Reviews help me out a lot, they keep me inspired to write and they make my day, so if you can tell me what you think I am so so thankful (you can also let me know through my tumblr: ezrafitzgerld) Again, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart! Please Review! :)