Chapter Summary

Will finally deals with the two women still in his life but who will he end up with?

There was no pill needed for the punishment he'd doled out to April in that on-call room but he had wished there was a pill to fix what was broken inside of him. Even though a mess of emotions had been left in that room Will felt no clearer. He had laid in his bed all day staring at the ceiling thinking about his actions. April's moans playing like an audio-tape in his mind; his release inside of her should have relieved some of his feelings, but instead it just opened up the floodgates to his pain, his confusion, and his torture.

The only reprieve from his thoughts was the abstruse words Dr. Charles gave him in the restroom. He thought about what he'd done and why. He wanted April; he'd always want her, his body would always want her, but did he need her? He wanted to be with Natalie, his body didn't; not naturally, but he'd needed her when he was down and she was there. It wasn't the same thing as love and he knew it. His fallacious world and inculcating mantras had clouded his clarity and made him second guess his instincts. The worst sentiment was the second pick useless feeling that April had left within him. She was the coward now. Too cowardice to tell him she loved him before the disastrous dinner; before Natalie was even a factor. He was back and forth with his thoughts until a light tap on his door disrupted the rattling in his mind. He sat up when he heard her voice.

"It's three o'clock in the afternoon Will," Natalie announced softly.

She used the same concern in her voice when she'd treated his lip.

"Natalie," Will said with a sad smile.

She walked over to the side of the bed and sat down before he could get all the way up. He began to but she stopped him.

"Don't worry about getting up, I won't be long," she answered with certainty.

Will looked down at his hands half wondering what she was going to say but also knowing exactly where it was going.

"I've had some time to think," she said smiling at him, "At first when I got home I thought to myself that Connor and I were kind of over reacting. I mean it didn't happen while any of us were dating and I felt kind of bad that I sent you home alone," Natalie scoffed shaking her head.

Immediately Will couldn't look at her anymore; the shame overwhelming him, as the flashes of brown skin and curses had now made his first answer a lie.

"But then I thought about the pills and your mood since we've all been friends and the fact that something hasn't felt right for a while."

"Nat," Will started.

"No, please Will, let me finish. That day playing trivia I saw it. I think Connor did too and he was willing to face it but I wasn't. I mean you two were finishing each other's sentences and you had so many inside jokes...and then there's the way you look at each other."

She pulled out the creased photo she'd found on his floor the last time they were together.

"Where did you get this?" Will asked thinking the photo had been lost.

"You two are a force, it's like I'm standing in a hurricane; armed with an umbrella, it's absurd and I don't want to be the jerk playing victim."

"Nat-," Will started apologetically.

"-Will it was different before, I'd see the way you looked at her but back then I could lie to myself and say it was just friendship but now that I know you two had more than that…it's not the same."

She was smiling but her eyes were sad, "I know you'll always care about me Will but you love her it's obvious," Nat said; still sadly but smiling.

Her fingers pushed the fourth picture towards Will so he'd see. The truth flooded Will's eyes and he felt the shame of denying it the entire time he'd been with her. He really had wanted things to work with Natalie. She was the dream girl; the fantasy, but April was the world, the realty; the everything.

"It's okay, it really is. Everyone deserves to feel a love like a hurricane, I got to have that once with my husband and you should too….with April."

She squeezed his hand before she got up and left. There was a bitter sweetness to watching the woman he had pined for, for so long walk away from him for the second time but he didn't feel heartbroken or rejected. This was how this was always going to happen. This was how this was always supposed to be.

Even having this revelation as he laid in bed wasn't quite enough to quell the strange rage that was still tearing at him inside. He was an utter emotional mess and he still needed time and space to figure out what he wanted to do about his feelings so he continued the route of avoidance of April, he did not want a repeat experience of the on-call room.

April thought about finding Will every single day after what happened between them but the bruises on her hips and thighs were a constant reminder of why that was a bad idea. So one day when she was home on a Saturday afternoon, only after making a big decision, she decided it was time to try and make contact with him.

The phone lit up next to Will as he sat at his dining table. Her name, the name he had avoided at all costs, flashing on the screen of his phone over and over again. He let it get to the last ring before he finally decided to pick it up. There was silence on his end, he hadn't even said hello.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hey," he answered back echoing her tone.

"I uh thought the phone was safer…," April said tapering off.

"It probably is….I'm- I'm sorry about that," Will admitted softly.

"Yeah me too," April said.

They were doing it again; dancing around the elephant in the room, but this time it was more like a loud bee buzzing through the phone. One they should have swatted and grabbed. April swatted first.

"I know that seeing Connor and I together was hard," April said with a regretful confidence.

Will scoffed a bit before saying, "No…hard was watching Jeff and Natalie…watching you and Connor was hell."

"It wasn't exactly easy for me either Will," April said.

There was another silence as Will could feel the rage he still had find new life; building again until April spoke up.

"Last time, you uh-you wouldn't let me answer so I'm going to answer now," she said taking a deep breath in, "Why did I push you away?'" she said repeating his question.

"I was so scared; I still am every day when I think about the effect you have on me. I loved Connor I really did, but no one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. I can't control my emotions or my reactions. I do stupid things like leaving with that guy the night you,me, and Ryan went out….or when I pushed you away. I was barely able to keep myself together after everything that happened and If I had to give myself completely to you like I did that first night we were together…I was afraid I wouldn't know how to put myself back together if we didn't work out."

"That's the thing April, that's the exact thing I was trying to figure out after you left me sitting in Molly's," Will's voice had begun to crack.

"Will," April whispered, "I'm so sorry...I made a mistake."

She wished she could touch him, hold him, but they needed to stand on their own two feet through this and not rely on their physical connection; it was too much.

"I understand why you're still angry with me, I left you holding the burden when you told me you'd carry anything with me... because that's what people do when they love each other and I do love you Will Halstead."

Will could hear her quietly weeping it matched his own quiet tears shed at her admission. He hadn't left that message for her but there she was saying the very same words to him that he was going to say her.

"I'm going to leave Gaffney and start my internship at U of CM-," April started.

"-You don't have to do that," Will interjected.

"No Will, I think I do, you've rearranged so much of your life for me already and it's clear we can't be in the same vicinity right now…but um... I'll wait for you and when you're ready; find me."

The phone clicked. Will sat at the table wiping the tears from his face and thinking about a world without her in it.