A/N: Okay, last time, the first of several oc's showed up and challenged Sesshomaru, but he didn't kill her? Why not? Has he really grown soft, first he lets Inuyasha walk away, and now another youkai who had the nerve to challenge our dear lord? Well all I can say is that youkai will be back and Sesshomaru's speculation was correct, she will bring trouble with her. Maybe he'll kill her then? But what damage will she inflict before he does, and to whom? Will Sesshomaru even care?
Sho 11 - Za Jijitsu
Chapter 11 - The Truth
"Sesshomaru, she was beautiful, who was that?" Inuyasha asked re-sheathing his sword as he approached his brother.
"Inuyasha, how dare you show up here?" Jaken started the moment he set eyes upon him, raising his staff of two heads as his usual line of attack.
Dispensing an angered glare, Sesshomaru turned, as he focused on the hanyou. "You are an even bigger foul than I thought," he said, his eyes narrowing in contempt. "I told you not to show your face around me again, Inuyasha," the youkai lord growled, flashing toward him with such speed the hanyou didn't even have time to think, let alone move.
Sesshomaru wasted no time as he grabbed and squeezed the hanyou's throat, his claws digging bloody furrows into his skin as he lifted his body from the ground, dangling it in midair like just so much useless flesh sagging from the end of a meat hook. "You cannot possibly believe that because you provided unnecessary support or because I saved your miserable life that I will have pity on you." Cold golden eyes stared up at the hanyou hanging from the end of his claws, as Sesshomaru continued; "In fact, a pathetic hanyou such as you probably does not deserve to live."
Inuyasha had already known before he arrived that this wasn't going to be easy, so despite the feel of the steel-like fist that connected with his jaw once Sesshomaru had dropped his feet back to the ground, then knocked him to his back, his body sliding and careening through the mud crusted field; he knew he had to continue. "You're right; I don't deserve to live. So go on and kill me, Sesshomaru, tear me apart, shred me to pieces if you'd like," he choked out between coughs as he gasped for air; fighting the pain in his throat. His windpipe had nearly been crushed by Sesshomaru's steel-like grip.
Drawing and pushing the blade of his sword toward the hanyou's throat, the youkai lord simply stared at him with a determined gaze. His eyes traversed him intently, then finally, his sight drifted back up to the taut line of his brother's lips and onto a pair of defiant golden eyes that stared back at him; but Sesshomaru refused to move his blade.
All the while, Inuyasha remained absolutely still, not flinching, not fighting; the look in his eyes defiantly determined to obtain his goal, whatever that might be. Was the hanyou truly foolish enough to believe he would not take his life?
Sesshomaru continued to watch him; the sight of his blade positioned dangerously close to his brother's vein. The youkai lord's mouth tightened in cloaked frustration, but he continued to study him; curiously fascinated by the sight of the hanyou sprawled before him. Was this hanyou's life indeed so miserable that he truly wished to die? Had he indeed come to him to beg him to take his life?
"Go on," Inuyasha insisted, his voice low; his eyes blank and seemingly uncaring. "Kill me, or ..." his words trailed, as he made the effort to gather his thoughts.
Sesshomaru had never had a problem reading him before; but now, he stood confused at this hanyou's ultimate intent. Unwilling to surrender his position, the youkai lord continued to study the mud-crusted hanyou lying before him in the vibrant red kimono. "What is it that you truly want, Inuyasha?" he refused to believe it was death the hanyou truly desired; but he would ensure he explained himself. "Are you indeed so foolishly desperate that you desire me to take your life, or do you for similar reasons believe you can take mine?"
Inuyasha closed his eyes briefly, "I don't want to fight with you anymore," he forced the anguished words through his drying lips, his hands remaining plastered at his side as he submissively lay on the ground still fighting to breathe. "I know you're powerful, Sesshomaru; a hell of a lot more powerful than I am. I know your strength is not just in your sword. I know you can easily kill me if you want to, but maybe, just maybe I might get lucky enough to kill you," Inuyasha squeezed out hoarsely; fighting the pain in his throat. "Or maybe we'll both just end up in pieces, I don't know. But...," he paused away a choke; hoping his brother would hear his words; hoping he would care. "I don't…," Inuyasha paused again. He was tired of the fighting; tired of the hatred. He had no idea if it would ever end, but he needed to try; he hoped Sesshomaru wanted that as well. "If there's anything we can do to fix this family, I want to try," he finally said, his eyes nearly pleading, his throat dry and tight. "But if you don't want to, just say so and I'll leave and stay out of your life from here on out."
Sesshomaru still did not flinch, did not move, did not even blink, his blade ever so close to piercing the hanyou's skin. Should he take his life? Would that not end this confusion that pummeled him?
"I was wrong," still unmoving, attempting not to antagonize the youkai lord, Inuyasha continued, feeling the sharp metallic point of the blade just barely pricking his throat as he squeezed out his words. "I know it. I know I should never have done what I did. I realize now it wasn't anything that you did. It was me, the way I felt, and the way I've probably always felt around you," his eyes pooled slightly with water. He wasn't sure if it was because of the pain in his throat or the emotions in his heart. He hoped Sesshomaru thought it was the former. "You told me once that I should not project my thoughts onto you. Well, I think I did that then," Inuyasha said in an attempt to explain, not sure if he could; not sure if anything could. "I allowed myself to make assumptions about what you did based on my own foolishness. And right now, I just ..." his words choked off once more, his throat pulling tight as the tip of the blade sliced a little deeper. "I just want to try to change that if I can."
"You most certainly shouldn't have done that, you ungrateful hanyou. You should drop to your knees and thank Lord Sesshomaru for saving your miserable life," Jaken threw out with a look of pure disgruntled malevolence.
Inuyasha closed his eyes once again, clenching his claws into his palms. "Shut him up Sesshomaru. I'm not in the mood to hear his stupid jabbering right now." He opened his eyes and glared at the little youkai. No, he truly didn't want to fight; but Inuyasha knew if there was anything he wanted to hit; it was that stupid imp. This was between him and Sesshomaru. If Jaken didn't shut up, he would cut his head off, first chance he got.
"Why you miserable hany .." Jaken began as he raised his staff of two heads; he would burn this idiotic hanyou alive.
"Jaken," Sesshomaru called, then slowly re-sheathed his sword to allow Inuyasha to rise to his feet. "Go get 10 pieces of fish," he shot at the little youkai.
"10 piec... But Lord Sessho...,"
"Go," Sesshomaru commanded with an authoritative rasp. Clearly, he too had no patience for the little imp at this moment either.
Fretting worriedly Jaken looked from one to the other, then grumbled as he trekked off to retrieve the fish with an angry glare shooting across his shoulder as he continued to stare down the young hanyou.
"What is it that you wish, Inuyasha?" Sesshomaru threw across his shoulder as he walked pass him, his senses remaining acutely alert to every move the hanyou made.
"To get some answers. Answers to real questions," Inuyasha stated, wrapping his hand around the wounds in his throat as he rose to his feet with determined bravado. "Not that crap we been playing around with for the last couple of weeks."
Studying him intently, Sesshomaru exhaled slightly. So, the hanyou had come for answers; had he? He had decided he had questions and wanted the truth; had he? Sesshomaru knew he had not expected that as his reason for returning when he had initially scented him. In truth, he had not known what to expect then. As unpredictable and unconventional as the hanyou's thoughts could be, it was difficult to imagine what his actual intent was, but he had not truly believed he had come all the way out here simply to die; but nevertheless, he would see where this goes. "What questions do you have, little brother?" Sesshomaru asked, staring at the hanyou, lowering his gaze to regard him silently. But his sight remained steady and determined as he watched him, refusing to glance away.
Inuyasha turned uncomfortably from the penetrating gaze as he considered the question. The truth was, he probably had a million questions, but he knew Sesshomaru definitely wasn't the type who would sit still long enough to answer even half of them. In truth, though, only a few questions truly eat away at him for the past week or so, hell for most, if not all of his life. "You don't need the Tetsusaiga, so there's no need for us to fight over that anymore."
Sesshomaru narrowed his gaze. "I am certain you know that is not a question, Inuyasha." He stated impatiently.
"No, it's not," Inuyasha agreed. "So, why are we always fighting?"
"Perhaps you should answer that. You did wage the last attack," Sesshomaru stated flatly as he continued to study him.
"Yeah, I did, and exactly why did I do that?" Inuyasha asked rhetorically; but his rage was clearly beginning to rise. "I figure it's because you've made it so I can't trust anything you do."
"Are you blaming me for your actions, Inuyasha?" Sesshomaru's voice remained calm as he focused a narrowed gaze down at the hanyou. "Are you saying that I guide your acts?"
"No, you know damned well that's not what I'm saying."
"Then explain yourself," Sesshomaru demanded curtly, crossing his arms and folding them into the sleeves of his haori. If he did not already know, the hanyou would soon learn that he had little tolerance for procrastinators. "Ask those questions that are tearing at you."
Inuyasha regarded Sesshomaru, who stared at him hard. Though his words were harsh and uncaring, his expression was blank of the ferocity he'd previously had, but Inuyasha knew he was right, if there was any way to resolve their issues, he had to get to the point. Sighing, heavily; he sauntered a few feet away to plop down on a nearby boulder. His hand pressed firmly against the holes that ripped at his throat, his blood thick as it dried on his fingers.
"Why couldn't you save me with our oyaji's sword?" Inuyasha asked finally. That wasn't where he had intended to start, but for reasons he couldn't explain, that was one of things that had truly bothered him lately; the fact that the sword wouldn't work and Sesshomaru had used his freaking fangs. He had tried never to display any interest in their oyaji, but he figured getting an answer to that would at least get to the heart of the problem. "Is it because you didn't want it to?"
"I did save you, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru's brows furrowed slightly as his eyes narrowed more, but he continued to observe his brother steadily. "I saved you with my own two hands."
"Yeah, but if you'd been able to use Tenseiga, it would have been with your heart," Inuyasha shot back; angry now for reasons he didn't understand. Did just being in his brother's presence set off some level of hidden hatred in him? "I know you have to have a heart to use Tenseiga."
"Are you implying that I have no heart, Inuyasha? Did not what I did show you otherwise?" Sesshomaru asked taken aback; that was a sobering thought indeed. If the hanyou truly thought he had no heart, there was no possible way for this to work as their chichi-ue had wanted. It was true he had never shown him kindness, but for him to believe he had no heart, meant he could not possibly believe he was even a living being. For him to possess a thought such as that was extremely revealing. "In truth, my heart had nothing to do with why Tenseiga did not save you," Sesshomaru said dismissively as he moved away to stare out across the horizon.
"I would think you should realize that saving you with my own hands, had more to do with my heart than anything my using Tenseiga would have shown you," he turned his head to watch the unflinching hanyou and wondered momentarily how much his previous actions had impacted his brother's impression of him. But if he faulted him for not loving him, he should know by now, that was just simply not in his nature. Is that what his association with those humans had done to him over the years? If you did not love as they did, you were no more than a specter? Is that why he clung to them so fervently? Were they the only creatures that were real to him? Is that why he tolerated their blatant disrespect? "As far as why Tenseiga did not save you, if anything, I believe it was because you were in the meidou once before, simple as that. Tenseiga cannot randomly bring everyone back. There are rules," he said it matter-of-factly; when in reality it was something he had learned only recently himself.
"Rules?" Inuyasha cocked his head as he stared up at him.
"Yes, something I learned the hard way," Sesshomaru informed him turning to look out across the horizon once more as he remembered the grave lesson he had learned when he had caused Rin's death. "But I now understand. It is not only the heart of the user that comes into play; it is also the situation of the receiver." He turned back and walked toward him. "That is why I believe you being in the meidou before had something to do with it. Tenseiga must have sensed it and thought you were already revived. Or it could have had something to do with the fact that you had not yet died. Of that, I am uncertain," Sesshomaru lowered his eyes momentarily. He knew he did not know as much about his sword as he probably should, but that was because he'd had no previous interest in wanting to revive anyone. He relied primarily on Tenseiga's ability to communicate with him to let him know when it wished to be used. "But I would not chance your death to test that theory."
Inuyasha studied him with puzzled eyes. He wasn't sure what any of what his brother was saying truly meant; being in the meidou of hell? Not being dead? What was that all about? How did that affect the Tenseiga? It was a healing sword, wasn't it; so why didn't it just heal? But he'd only seen Sesshomaru use it once, and it looked like he'd cut something. Did that have something to do with the rules he was talking about? Somehow he felt Sesshomaru believed whatever it was he was talking about; so did it matter if he understood it or not? At least for now, Sesshomaru had sort of convinced him that it wasn't that their oyaji wanted him dead.
He'd thought a lot about that lately; why their oyaji would give Sesshomaru a sword that would not work on him. With all the rampant thoughts he'd been thinking lately, whether they were logical or not, he'd almost convinced himself that their oyaji had to know a time would come when Sesshomaru might be forced to use it to save him and he had to know his eldest son's heart would not be in it. But for now, he wanted to believe that maybe Sesshomaru's hatred of him had not been the reason the sword didn't work. Even so, Sesshomaru using his own hands, or his fangs for that matter, had to mean something. But what did it mean when Sesshomaru had said he would not chance his death; did that mean he wouldn't let him die simply to test out his sword? It certainly couldn't have meant that he didn't want him to die. That youkai had never given a shit about him.
Inuyasha didn't know what any of that meant and honestly he didn't care as his thoughts drifted to what he felt was one of the true roots of his problems with Sesshomaru. He didn't even know what it was really, only that it seemed like Sesshomaru blamed him for something. Was it because their oyaji had left Sesshomaru for his mother? Or was it possibly because of his death? But then again, it might just be for the simple fact that he was even born. He knew how much that youkai hated humans and he certainly had to hate having a hanyou with human blood in his own family. Bracing himself, knowing the youkai lord would probably want to kill him for this, Inuyasha decided he was going to ask anyway, as he looked up at Sesshomaru, whose puzzled anger was clearly vivid in his golden eyes. "This hatred you cling to so much, is it truly reserved for me, only?"
"What are you implying," Sesshomaru demanded, whipping his head around to stare at the young hanyou, his brows narrowing behind a pronounced blink; but the deceptive calm in his voice was not nearly as inviting as it sounded.
Staring back at him, Inuyasha suddenly remembered something. He'd never thought much about it before, because he had never cared about what had happened back then, but there was a memory; vague though it might be; something Myoga had let slip when he had set out to kill that Ryukotsusei bastard to make his Tetsusaiga lighter. But that little flea had been jabbering the entire trip, and he'd spent half of it trying to ignore him. But he remembered he'd said that Sesshomaru had met with their oyaji after he'd placed that youkai into dormancy; but later, he'd also said their oyaji had died the night he fought Ryukotsusei because he'd been badly wounded during the battle. Now, he realized it was the same night; and yet, Sesshomaru hadn't gone with him.
Inuyasha continued shakily. "Our oyaji, I mean, you must have hated him too, right? You were with him before he died weren't you? So why the hell didn't you help him?" he asked hoping it wasn't true; that somehow he'd gotten some facts mixed up. "So how the hell is his death my fault? I wasn't even old enough to do a damned thing, and yet you just stood around all superior and shit. If you ask me, you should blame your damned self for his death..." Inuyasha's last words simply whimpered weakly off his lips.
Then his expression devolved into astonished disgust as the pieces seemed to come together. "Oh, I get it, you arrogant piece of shit - I'm the only one that matters here aren't I? Blame the stupid hanyou for breathing, right? Nothing you do is ever wrong, is it? Do you even know what that means, Sesshomaru? It means 'not right'. You are a real assho…" Inuyasha didn't continue; he couldn't. He could see Sesshomaru's features were changing. He was spewing out a hell of a lot of powerful, deadly youki. What the f…? Was he going to kill him now?
With the edges of his hair whipping fiercely up around him, Sesshomaru's eyes were turning crimson. "You ignorant hanyou," Sesshomaru snarled, his voice guttural and harsh. There was no mistaking the fact that the youkai lord was out for blood.
Watching his brother's youki flare wildly, Inuyasha immediately knew he'd be dead in seconds.
"Yeah, right, that's the thing to do. Let's just fight Sesshomaru," the hanyou threw out desperately. "There's no need to talk, just rip me apart. I'm just a filthy hanyou. So what's the point of talking to me," he asked praying that his brother would hear him. Staring into Sesshomaru's crimson orbs, Inuyasha yet again dared him to end his life. "If you're gonna kill me, what the hell are you waiting for? I don't have anyone to worry about, so I don't give a shit, I'm tired of all this back and forth crap; so just tear me apart. That'll settle all our problems or yours at least, anyway. You won't have to be bothered with this filthy hanyou anymore. You want me dead; just do it. Kill me!" he fairly yelled.
But much to Inuyasha's shocked surprise; Sesshomaru's powerful and furious youki began to subside.
Peering deep into a pair of troubled golden eyes swimming with anger and just barely veiled disgust, Sesshomaru realized that the fool was actually angry enough to offer up his life for the right to the truth, whatever that might be. But he was making accusations he knew nothing about. If he had asked, his chichi-ue would never have accepted. It was honorable for youkai to fight their personal battles. Outside aid would have been deemed disgraceful; a primary reason why he had always resisted Inuyasha's interference in his battles.
Yes his chichi-ue had been severely wounded when he went to protect that woman; but was he so mortally injured that he could not have survived. Did he truly need assistance? Sesshomaru did not know because his chichi-ue had never asked and he had never offered. But now, when he thought back on it, his only question was why? That same question that had plagued him so much of late. If his chichi-ue was indeed so gravely injured that it hindered his chance at success, why had he not asked his son for help? But the thing is, would he have even assisted him if he had? To assist in a battle to protect a human and a hanyou; he was uncertain he would have. Now, the only answer the youkai lord could summon that was the most logical; an answer he had tried to push aside for so long; was that his chichi-ue had not asked because he believed his chichi-ue had in fact, not cared if he had died that night or not; but he had not seen it when he spoke to him and now the youkai lord wondered if his death truly was his fault.
No, Sesshomaru yelled in his own head; his chichi-ue had died protecting Inuyasha and that filthy human! "You know nothing of youkai, Inuyasha," he snarled, angrily redirecting the blame; incapable of reconciling the questions plaguing his own mind. "You know not that we pride ourselves in resolving our own issues."
"And why is that, I wonder?" Inuyasha retorted flippantly. "It couldn't possibly be because the only one to ever teach me anything was my mother, a human? No, maybe it's because the only one who could have taught me anything about being a youkai - you - thought I was nothing but a piece of crap under your boot that wasn't worth your time and effort? Oh no, I know; maybe it's because ..."
"Enough!" Sesshomaru clenched his fists in anger, though his voice remained smooth and even. "To be so unappreciative; despite the fact that you owe your very life to me, is unthinkable."
Inuyasha glared at him. "Just shut the fuck up, Sesshomaru," he spat with a deep breath. "And who are you to decide what's enough? We need to settle this. I understand that you hate me. I'm not totally stupid, no matter what you think. I get it. I'm just some disgusting freak that doesn't deserve to be alive. I know you think that instead of trying to save me, our oyaji should have probably just killed me off that night. I know it would have saved you a hell of a lot of trouble if he did. Although I'm pretty sure it probably crossed your mind to do that a hell of a lot of times since then, anyway." Fighting the traitorous sting fighting to pool in his eye, Inuyasha gritted his teeth. "I know you hated me. I accepted that. But shit, you go and save my life and fuck up my world, do you know that? It would have been just fine if you had just let me die that night. Hell, I'd already thought I was going to die. So why didn't you just let me?"
Inuyasha paused for a moment, but now that he'd started, he couldn't stop. There was too much that had gone unsaid for far too long. "What? You didn't think you made it clear enough how much you hated me over the years? Is that why when I was awakened from that seal, you wanted me dead? You just had to show me how much?"
"In truth, I thought you were dead," Sesshomaru responded in his cool even tone.
"So what, the fact that I wasn't, is that why you decided you'd just take care of that shit yourself?" Inuyasha demanded as anger choked his words from somewhere deep in his throat. "You hated me so much that you just couldn't wait to have nature take its course; or maybe you just figured you'd kill me because you thought nature hadn't done its job? So then, what was the fucking point? Make up your mind. Either kill me if you want, or get the hell out of my life. But don't go saving my ass and thinking you're just gonna make me pay for it, 'cause it ain't happening. But at least step up and be a man and tell me what I ever did to you? Is it just because I was born into your fucking bloodline? Is it because our oyaji saved my mother when they met, then had the nerve to die saving her again?"
Sesshomaru's brows knit slightly. He was unaware of how they had met. He had only found out about that woman three months before his chichi-ue had died. It wasn't until later that he'd realized his chichi-ue had hidden her from him for a lot longer than he had thought. He'd found out that unlike youkai females; human's, on average, carried their child for nine months; not four. That, though, was just one of the many things he had since learned that his chichi-ue had not told him. "I believe you have said quite enough, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru murmured, a cool indifference glinting in his eyes.
"Yeah? Well, what do I care?" Inuyasha demanded heatedly. "All my life I've wondered what it was that pissed you off so damned much; but now I know. You don't give a damn about me, but you'd spend four days nursing my worthless ass back to health so I could do what? What the fuck do you want from me, Sesshomaru? You wanted me dead just because I was born, but. . ." He stopped, as he watched the unflinching youkai standing and staring at him with no sign of emotion at all. He knew he needed to be quiet now as he faltered a bit, trying to hide embarrassed eyes behind strands of long white hair; trying to seek shelter from his brother's steady, penetrating glare. "The hell with it. Just forget I said a damned thing."
Sesshomaru studied him intently; struck by a reality that he would never have thought possible. Not long ago, he would have been offended by such blatant displays of emotion. But now, he could do nothing except study this hanyou as he considered the sequence of events. His heart had begun to change and because of that he had made a promise to his chichi-ue and he had reached out. But he had never anticipated that his act would lead to such agony. Now, the hanyou stood before him bearing his very soul. The hanyou's pain was far greater than anything he would have ever imagined. Had he been the one to cause such anguish, Sesshomaru wondered. He had not realized; no, more significantly, he had not cared. He had previously never cared; but now... Fighting an urge to utter a deep sigh, he allowed his gaze to rove the length of the figure standing before him. "What is it that truly troubles you, Inuyasha?" Now, the youkai lord truly wanted to know. He had wanted to see where their conversation went, but he had not anticipated such turbulent fury.
Inuyasha didn't speak. He couldn't. He simply slumped onto the boulder trying to remove the choking sound from his voice before he spoke again. A choking he hated himself for emitting.
After what seemed like hours, he finally found it in himself to continue. "Do you remember the first time I saw you after my mother died," outwardly, his voice sounded deceptively calm; but the sound was merely a shroud for the turmoil raging deep inside him, still. "When I ran up to you and jumped into your arms, and you held me to your chest," yet again, he found himself choking; this time choking off a sad remembrance. "Did you hate me even then?" he asked quietly. "Is that why you didn't come by much after that?" Inuyasha asked angered at himself for feeling the loneliness he had experienced deep inside ever since that day. It had been 30 years before he'd seen his brother again after that time.
Sesshomaru remained silent for quite some time before responding. He recalled that incident. He recalled how it had bothered him that he'd had no idea why he had shown the hanyou that kindness. But he knew it was probably because the hanyou's mother had recently died and he had been unprepared when the hanyou had simply rushed up to him and jumped into his arms. But he also recalled how he had ensured that never happened again. On the few occasions he had returned after that, he had ensured his invisibility by staying out of the hanyou's scent path. He knew his abilities were merely that of a child's and that he would be incapable of distinguishing his scent. But as the years went by and he had observed him on numerous occasions and seen his weaknesses, even being forced to lower himself to a level of destroying useless youkai who pursued him once; he had grown even more annoyed that his chichi-ue would give his life to save someone so worthless. "It was neither love nor hate Inuyasha," he said as his thoughts drifted back to that day.
Sesshomaru did not enjoy going back in time; as his resistance to memories of his chichi-ue's death could attest. He felt it was a useless effort because those days were gone and nothing could be done to change them, even if one wanted to. "At that time I did not love, hate, nor care for anyone. I simply did what needed to be done; anything else would have resulted in wasted effort," he stared down at the hanyou's slumped shoulders; his vision skating slowly across the dejected figure, as he scented the rage surging in his blood; as he, himself, tried to finally understand him and the pain that tore at his spirit so heavily.
Inuyasha did not respond.
Sesshomaru felt the need to continue. He wanted to reach him yet again; to explain himself. He had never considered that such things would be so important to the hanyou. Yes, he had known of his human heart, which is the thing about him that he probably despised the most over the years; but he had never truly considered what it meant for him to have one. "At that time, you needed something I was neither willing nor able to give. I stayed with you that day and I taught you how to defend yourself; as well as how to listen with your ears and how to use your sense of smell so you would know who or what was coming, that was the best I could do."
Taught him how to defend myself; Inuyasha thought dejectedly as his thoughts drifted back to that day. It was the last good and probably the only good day he could remember ever having with him. Little did he know at that time the youkai's plan was simply to get rid of him; to simply toss him aside.
A disparaging smile etched its way across his lips as he spoke. "You know, whether you believe it or not, when I was a brat, I used to worship you, Sesshomaru," Inuyasha was almost apologetic because he knew how true that fact was at this moment, still. He fought the sadness, quite likely heard in his voice, of knowing his brother did not care for him the same way, as he made every effort to keep his gaze trained on his feet. "I used to be so proud to have you as a big brother," he said without looking up at him, wondering when that had ceased; then wondering whether it truly had. "But, I didn't need you to teach me how to use my freaking claws," he did look up now. "Or how to sniff out some damned threats; I needed to go with you. I was just a brat, Sesshomaru and I wanted to go with you, but you ... you just left me there-alone." Inuyasha frowned and lowered his head once more. He could feel the sting increasing in front of his eyes and he did not want his face seen if that traitorous drop of water fell.
He wasn't the type of person to dwell too heavily on his past - there was precious little he could look back on and cherish. After his mother had died, without her love, the world had converted to an ugly, despicable place until he'd found Kikyo. He'd been alive for over two hundred years, but whenever he did look back; he knew exactly what he would see. Long nights with eyes blinded by cold tears flowing slowly off his cheeks when he'd been small and devastated from the loss of his mother and the comfort of her loving arms; the realization that he'd been discarded by his elder brother who never loved him; before he'd realized that in truth, he actually hated him. He remembered how he had been desperate to find some form of safety and finding nothing except pain and incessant loneliness.
"You can take a human girl with you, but you couldn't take your own brother," Inuyasha said with an exasperated breath. "You pretty much just tell me to get lost; pretty much just throw me away."
"Are you jealous of a human girl, Inuyasha?" Sesshomaru asked continuing to study him. His gaze had not left him once as he watched him struggle with his internal demons.
"I'm not jealous of anything," Inuyasha squawked shaking his head in dismay. That was probably his own clumsiness that allowed Sesshomaru to think such a thing; although he knew he had felt that pang tearing at him just moments before he'd said it.
"Then, how do you find yourself lacking?" Sesshomaru asked, his voice even more quiet and even toned than usual. "What do you feel you have not achieved? What have my acts caused you to miss out on."
"I don't know, ... nothing." 'Your love,' Inuyasha thought sadly.
"Then why are you going there? We can do nothing to change what has occurred."
"You just don't understand do you?" Inuyasha grew silent for quite a while, as his thoughts drifted again; lost in the space of time that occurred oh so long ago. Finally, he looked up into the youkai lord's eyes and spoke, "Tell me something Sesshomaru, those times when you came by before and after my mother died, it wasn't because you had any interest in me at all, was it? You were simply looking for oyaji's sword weren't you? You knew he'd left it to me, and you were hoping you'd see me with it and take it from me weren't you?"
"What do you want to hear, Inuyasha?" Sesshomaru asked, knowing now that the hanyou wanted more than just simple truth. Despite the changes in his heart, he could still scent it. It was like it was that time so many years before, when he could not give him what he wanted. The hanyou harbored too much anger, too much fury; Sesshomaru had not anticipated such pain. But in fact, it did not surprise him. He could not say he was displeased to know that after so many years of conflict and hatred that they had finally reached a point where they were likely to air their differences.
"The truth! Can you do that for once in your life, you piece of shit?" Inuyasha demanded with balled fists and fury in his eyes. "The world does not revolve around you. Can you just for once in your life open up and tell the truth?"
Sesshomaru knew that in the past, he would have simply responded without a thought and would have said something like the world did not revolve around the hanyou either. He would have told him that his pain was his alone to endure. But now, for some unknown reason this hanyou's pain touched him in some way. And even if he did not know why, he knew if there was anything he could do to help ease it, he wanted to try. "I never lie, Inuyasha; there is no point. I have no need to hide from my actions. I have done things to hurt you and deceive you, said things to anger you, but I have never lied to you."
Sesshomaru said it with such calm composure Inuyasha wanted to leap forward and punch him in the face for being so obnoxiously smug, especially when he clearly wasn't. He hated the way that youkai showed no emotions; he hated the way he just didn't care. "Yeah, well then just open your damned mouth and tell me what I want to know."
"If I do tell you what you think you wish to know, will the heaviness in your heart be lighter?"
"Just tell me if you've always hated me. Just tell me if you've always hated everything about me. Just tell me if the only reason you ever came around, was to find that damned sword." Inuyasha demanded. He had no idea if his heart would be lighter or not, he just knew he had been plagued by these questions for the last few weeks, shit, all of his life.
"I told you once before; answers do not always start in safe places, Inuyasha," Sesshomaru said, knowing the hanyou would likely ask questions he would not truly wish to know the answers to. Before responding, he studied him, trying to understand the pain that flowed from seemingly every pour of his body. He knew that not long ago, he would have found such an emotional display intolerable and weak. He knew he would have had no patience to sit and observe such a display. But now, it was different; he was different; because now, he did want to understand.
"Personally, I see no need to go there," Sesshomaru said in an almost quite whisper. "But if we must, let me say that originally it was merely curiosity," he said reflecting on his innate curious nature. "I was interested in seeing my chichi-ue's hanyou son and I wanted to see how you progressed with a human mother," Sesshomaru watched his brother closely. "As far as the Tetsusaiga, yes I was looking for it. I was always looking for it. I was looking for both Tetsusaiga and Sou'unga but your mother did not have them that much I knew. Toutousai would tell me nothing. I should have killed him for that, but he's such an evasive little bugger," Sesshomaru almost grumbled as his thoughts diverted momentarily to the annoying youkai. He remembered how he had even left a note on his hideout saying he had moved, because he did not wish to forge a sword for him. "But it was not until years after your okaa-san's death that I found out chichi-ue's fang was bequeathed to you." Sesshomaru folded his arms into the sleeve of his haori. "Of course, once I found that out, I wanted to see if you were even capable of wielding such a weapon, but by that time you had lost your heart to a human priestess who had bound you to that tree."
Sesshomaru knew his deep dislike for his brother began to emerge fully because of several things, the first of which was because his chichi-ue had even had a hanyou son. He had been unable to tolerate the fact that his chichi-ue had lowered himself to mate with a human female and have a hanyou child. The things that bothered him more afterward, was that his chichi-ue had died at the hands of a despicable human trying to protect that hanyou and his okaa-san; but to top it off, his chichi-ue had completely disregarded protocol and bequeathed his sword to a hanyou-a sword that was his right to inherit, had been bequeathed to a hanyou; his chichi-ue's second born; and that hanyou would be so foolish as to lose his own heart to a mortal priestess of all things; a priestess who would show her love, by binding him to a tree.
"After I revived, when you came looking for it again, to do what you did with that nothing woman, you had to have hated me, you wanted me dead. Why?"
Sesshomaru narrowed his gaze, slightly before responding, as he studied the young hanyou. Then he spoke, slowly, but deliberately. "Because chichi-ue had died leaving behind a hanyou child, because I received only the Tenseiga, because I spent years searching for chichi-ue's left fang, because I found out it was bequeathed to you, because you were a hanyou and did not deserve it, because you had not my power nor my skill, because you fell in love with a human priestess, because you allowed that priestess to bind you to a tree. Pick one," Sesshomaru said finally. "I had plenty of reasons and time to learn to hate you." Sesshomaru looked down at his younger brother whose eyes had closed as he reflected on what he'd heard. Sesshomaru could not feel his brother's sadness, but he believed he finally understood it.
"I know as a hanyou with human emotions, you probably now want to know if I ever cared for you?" Sesshomaru paused, knowing this was not what his brother would probably want to hear, but he had come for the truth, had he not? "In the past, I cared for no-one, at least not the way you would have wanted."
"But the main thing is that you blame me for our oyaji's death isn't it?" Inuyasha asked without raising his head, noting that his brother had not said it, but believing that had to be the primary reason he hated him so much. "You believe it's my fault he's dead, don't you?"
Sesshomaru studied him. His fault? He had disliked him for any number of reasons, starting from the very fact that the hanyou even had his chichi-ue's blood flowing through him; but their chichi-ue's death, had he ever really blamed him for that? He had not liked his chichi-ue's choice. His chichi-ue had died when he went to save them and that had angered him; yes. But was that also why he had died? He resented the fact that his chichi-ue had even been in such a position, having mated with a human woman whom he had to protect. Had the hanyou not existed, his chichi-ue would likely not have died then.
But had he ever blamed the hanyou because his chichi-ue had died doing something he chose to do? No, his hatred grew more because of the fact that his chichi-ue had bequeathed him a sword that it was his birthright to possess. The youkai lord struggled to control the thoughts that fought to surface ever since he had returned to his haha-ue's castle to train his Tenseiga. The one that began with, "why". He had thought it was only the hanyou that needed to grow. He had thought because his heart had already changed and that he had received his Bakusaiga that he had changed all he could. He had not realized when they started, that the hanyou would have questions that would cause him to question his own thoughts so closely. Did this mean he, Sesshomaru, would not find comfort until he could deal with those questions in his own mind? But even though the youkai lord had strength enough to enter any battle, he did not yet have the strength to deal with them; he did not wish to think about why his chichi-ue had really died that night.
Yea, Finally they talk!
Did Inuyasha come back to die, or does he really intend to apologize? What was he thinking to show his face to Sesshomaru again? Did he forget that he'd clawed his brother's face open? Will Sesshomaru kill him because that youkai made him mad and he didn't kill her? In essence, will he direct his anger at the hanyou?
So does Sesshomaru think that because he never lied to his younger brother, that that was okay even if he beat him up all the time? Strange logic.
But what was that? Inuyasha's mouth from the manga? He certainly didn't talk like that in the anime, did he? Well, at least not so much!
Note: Some of the overall thought concepts in this chapter were based loosely on Hella's POISON.
chichi-ue - (father)
haha-ue's - (mother's)
meidou - (darkness of hell)
okaa-san - (mother)
oyaji's - (old man's)
youki - (dark demon power)