"Alright dudes, this is serious. Like seriously serious, serious. Like end of the world serious, or even worse! End of burgers serious! Do you understand the seriousness of this situation?! AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE STOP EATING, SERIOUSLY!"
I stomped over and snatched the bowl of popcorn from a certain fatass Canadian that was eating from it. Seriously bros! It's like every single friggen time I need help he's busying stuffing his face. And he's just laying there eating and eating and eating-
"Maple! Why are you eating my popcorn?! You just ate five BigMacs, two Apple Pies, a twenty piece of Chicken McNuggets, and drank two milkshakes! Hand over my popcorn, eh!"
"Did not! And no way! I'm being a Hero."
"Did too! You were stuffing your face in front of me! And how in the Maple are you being a hero by stealing and eating my popcorn?! And stop capitalizing hero!"
"I'm saving you the embarassment of getting fat! Because no offense Mattie, you've been putting on weight. And I do what I want Biatch!"
And that's how you put a Canadian in his place, because as you can see by Mattie's shocked face, I did just that. Boo-yah bitches. ಠ_ಠ
"How awfully rude of you American. Mattheui looks perfect to me, in fact if he was single I would have already jumped on that Canadian as-"
"Remind me why the hell he's here again? Do you not see that he's giving me allergies?" Speaking of allergies I'm starting to get an itch. Down South if ya know what I mean. Wink, wink...
"This is my dorm too you kn-"
"Mattie is he trying to rape you again?"
"Why, how rude! I will inform you monsieur, that it is not rape if your parter lik-"
"Ugh! See look I'm breaking out into a rash!"
"Would you kindly stop interru-"
I started coughing violently interrupting the Frenchie again, heh. I even gagged a bit from the awsomeness of my acting. Bet you didn't know I was acting huh? Let your mind be blown~
"I think I swallowed one of his hairs!"
"You stupid Americ-"
"WILL BOTH OF YOU HOSERS SHUT UP ALREADY?! MAPLE, I FEEL LIKE I'M THE MOTHER OF TWO CHILDISH BABIES! THAT'S DISTURBING BECAUSE ONE: I AM A MAN AND TWO: I DON'T WANT BABIES LIKE YOU!"
Whoa dudes, talk about a bitchy fit. Mattie's face is as red as his hoodie, the one with a leaf. I think that's weird. Who would buy a hoodie with a leaf on it? Seriously bros, all my hoodies have a soldier or the American flag. One of my favorites though is the one that says 'I'm with Stupid'.
Lolz dudes, lolz.
What was I talking about again?
Oh yeah, Mattie. Forgot about him for a minute there. Whoops. Anyways poor Mattie, he looks real mad. Not that I care though, wanna know why I don't care?
Because the stupid hoe didn't listen to my problems when I told him about them, so I'm sure as hell not gonna listen to this crazy Canadian mofo! Fo shizzle, my nizzle. By the way what's a nizzle? Whatever doesn't matter.
Right now, I am looking around Mattie's dorm and it sucks hardcore, man! He's got no posters! If a room has no posters then it just cannot possibly be a room! Oh look a blank wall.
Oh look another blank wall.
Oh look Francis on top of a struggling Mattie.
Heh, stupid blondes.
Hey look another blank wall!
"Well, Mattie I'm afraid I gotta go! Nature calls! Toodles~"
I open the door and slam it shut, from there I proceed to walk two steps until I pause.
"Da fuck. Did I just say toodles?"
I make a disgusted face, crinkling my nose in a way that does not help my face look handsome. I know because when I make faces like that I can practically feel the ugliness contaminating my face. Speaking about ugly, that damn Frenchie would say toodles. I keep walking away from the dorm until I stop again.
"Da fuck. Did I just insult myself?"
Since my mind is on the topic of a certain hairy horn-dog, I remember calling him a stupid blonde. I'm blonde too, granted it's a dirty blonde, but nonetheless it's blonde. Did I call myself stupid? I shrug and keep walking. I'm at the end of the corridor when I halt, a horrified look on my face.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the presses, back up the car, hang up the phone, slap some hoe. I replay the scene I witnessed a few minutes ago.
Right now, I am looking around Mattie's dorm and it sucks hardcore, man! He's got no posters! If a room has no posters then it just cannot possibly be a room! Oh look a blank wall.
Oh look another blank wall.
Oh look Francis on top of a struggling Mattie.
Heh, stupid blondes.
Hey look another blank wall!
"Da fuck. Francis on top of a struggling Mattie? OH FUCK FRANCIS ON TOP A STRUGGLING MATTIE?! HOLD ON HOMIE THE HERO'S COMING. Wait, I left my cape in my dorm!"
Should I get it or not? I can't make a Heroic entrance if I don't wear my flashy red cape! It's even got a Capital A on it for Alfred! Just as I'm about to go and run to my dorm to retrieve my heroic piece of cloth, I remember a potentially getting raped Mattie in need of my help.
"Fuck it."
Boom! I smash the door open (even though it was unlocked, just as I had left it) and run over to Mattie, who I can't see because of the Frenchie's stupid hair! By God, Francis was trying to suffocate him!
"Hold on Mattie! I won't let him choke you to death with his hairiness!"
I grip the back of the molesters shirt, throw him over my shoulder, and watch as he slams into the wall, then slides down and lands onto the bed. And that is how you put a French bastard in his place. Boo-yah again, bitches. ಠ_ಠ
"Yo Mattie, you okay! Was I too late? Did you swallow any of his facial hair?"
Poor Mattie was red faced, and coughing hard. He beat on his chest with his fist and looked like he was gonna die because of lack of oxygen soon. That sucks and I liked him too!
"Oh well, better get outta here before the cops come."
"ALFRED F. JONES WHAT IN THE WORLD HAVE YOU DONE?!" Hey, I'd know that hot British accent anywhere! My lover has returned from his shopping trip with Elizaveta, one of his best friends.
"Artie! I missed you!"
I was in mid-air ready to glomp the fuck out of my Artie, when I was stopped by a gloved hand belonging to said boyfriend. I hung there, suspended in air with tears in my eyes as I watched Artie -MY ARTIE- go and help Mattie. What in hamburgers name just happened. Dat hoe denied me.
No.
No.
No.
Hoes don't deny Alfred F. Jones, Alfred F. Jones denies hoes. Dems da rules. ಠ_ಠ
Don't tell Artie I said that though. And that I called him a hoe. Okay? Cool.
So I'm here, still in mid-air because of an unfinished glomp, glaring as I watch Artie slap Mattie a few times on the back to get him to breathe normally again. That doesn't work however, so he practically carries the Canadian to the bathroom so that he could drink some of the faucet water. Gross.
You don't know what's happened to that water. It could be from the shower or something. And that's where I relieve stress if ya know what I mean. And I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure no one wants to be drinking juice from Alfred Jr...well with the exception of Artie...maybe.
They come out of bathroom -not the closet lol- and sit on the bed, the one where Francis is not laying unconscious on. Mattie's no longer red, but he's still coughing a little. Lucky bastard is getting slow strokes on his back while I'm still stuck.
"Are you okay, Matthew?"
"Yeah, I'm fine now. Thank you Arthur!"
"Don't worry about it, lad!"
Oh fuck no. Artie is smiling one of THOSE smiles. The smiles that are only meant for ME!
"AHEM!" I intrude on their moment loudly, unforgiving of what I am witnessing.
"Hmm?" Artie turns to me, before his smile is replaced by a frown. What the hell! I want a smile damnit!
"What did you do Alfred? And no lying!" My mouth is agape, my eyes are practically bulging from their sockets, and I can't utter a word (surprising, I know) as I move a hand to point rapidly at Artie then to Mattie.
"I'll let you know what I did! I saved Mattie from a perverted horn dog that was trying to rape him, then I try to show some loving affection to my boyfriend who I haven't seen all day, but get denied with a hand to the face, so now I'm stuck in the air because of an unfinished glomp!" I sniff trying to hold back the invisible tears, hoping my short speech tugged at some heart strings.
"First of all, you saw me in the morning so you couldn't be THAT desperate for affection. Secondly, the only reason I held off on your hug was because if you hadn't noticed Matthew WAS DYING! And finally third, you are not stuck in mid-air git, you've been standing on one foot this entire time."
"Pssh, Mattie would of lived. And I have been floating in mid-air this whole time, you just don't have enough imagination to believe it."
Mattie is glaring at me with a pout on his lips. Honestly, what a child! Just because he thought he wouldn't live didn't mean I would! Artie just rolled his eyes. One day they're gonna get stuck up there with how hard he does it. Seriously, he moves his whole head when he rolls his eyes. It's hilarious!
"Whatever Alfred, anyways changing the topic, why is Francis unconscious? Not that I'm complaining of course."
"Oh, when Alfred came and saved me, he pulled Francis up and threw him. My guess is that he threw him too hard and so Francis knocked out."
Artie was torn between looking impressed at my strength or face-palming because of my idiocy. Not that I have any of course, but he's a Brit so he thinks so. And since he's my Brit I have to let him think so.
"Well, it pains me to say this but Alfred and I should be going now. It would be best if we left before ol' Frog Face wakes up over there."
Artie came up to me and reached a hand up. At first I thought he was gonna caress my cheek, which he did until his fingers grasped my ear lobe. And pulled, HARD. I let out a yelp as I was forced to bend so that the pull on my ear wouldn't make it hurt as much. Artie started to move toward the door, and I begrudgingly had to awkwardly walk behind him with my body bent slightly to the side.
"W-wait!"
Artie and I both turned around to face Mattie, but I hissed when I did, feeling my throbbing ear lobe twist in Artie's tight grip and injure itself further. Son of a bitch it hurt! And I didn't even do nothin! This is spousal abuse!
"Yes, Matthew?"
"What do I tell Francis when he wakes up?"
"Oh, just tell him that some girl dropped him off at his dorm, saying that he passed out after too much sex. Don't worry he'll buy it. See you around Matthew!"
"O-Okay then! Thanks!"
We walked out of the dorm and started walking out to our room. Still pinching my ear with his slender little fingers, I started whining, hoping to annoy him enough to let go.
"Artiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! My ear hurts! Can ya let go for meh, babe?"
I let a -manly- yelp when my Brit pulled harder on my ear and flushed when I saw that some people in hallway look at us in either confusion or amusement. This was not cool dudes, not cool at all.
"Speak proper English, you prat. Just how many times do I have to remind you?"
"There are other ways to remind me! Besides what did I do? I was a Hero today, I saved Mattie! So let go would ya, ya old man!"
"Shut it, you asshat, you're making a scene! And you were most certainly not a hero. You claimed to have 'saved' Macais-"
"Matthew."
"Yes, I meant to say that. Ahem, but you left him to die after you had your fun!"
"Okay I won't do that anymore! Promise!"
"You promise?"
"Yes, yes! Oh please God, just make the pain end already!"
"Alright then."
Abruptly I was free and boy was I loving it. I held my earlobe delicately in my hands as I felt the blood start to circulate in the nearly dead tissue.
"Owie..."
"Sorry Alfred, dear. Sometimes I forget my own strength." He sent a smirk over his shoulder at me and I knew that that hoe was lying. He was so not sorry about delivering me pain, that sexy sadist! I kept my thoughts to myself, I didn't wanna get pinched again. You bitches may be laughing now but if you've ever felt this searing pain you know it be the read deal, homes.
Ah damn! I forgot to ask Mattie my question! You know the reason, I was in his dorm? Well besides stealing his food, he has a shit ton of it anyways. Oh well, guess I'll bother him tomorrow or somethin!
Suddenly Artie was in front of me and I felt his petit hands clutch the front of my shirt. With a tug, he bent me to his level and gave my a smooch, right there in the middle of the hallway. Fuck dudes, that's pretty fucking beautiful right there. Once we separated, he was panting slightly, but smirking.
"That was for knocking the cheesy monkey unconscious and this-" Our lips met again, but this time his tongue wormed it's way into my mouth. We battled for dominance and I easily won, pushing back hard against his mouth. This time we were both panting and blusing fiercly by the time we moved away.
"And that was for being a Hero, Alfred. I love you."
"Yeah I love you too, babe."
Fuck yeah, bros. Arite capitalized the H in Hero.
Boo-yah bitches.
ಠ_ಠ
I cannot apologize enough! I am so sorry! It's because I moved and my internet stopped working then my mom passed out and I had to go to the hospital with her, so yeah-
I know you guys don't really care about what goes on in my life, but thanks to those who kept waiting for this. I know this is one of the worst chapters I have written because I just couldn't nail Alfred's voice this time. I hope the next chapter will come out sooner and WAAAAAAAAYY better than this one!
Toodles~
-Empress