R_S: Wow, it has been way too long since I updated this. What's funny is that, at some point, I wrote this one-shot but for some reason never posted it. Maybe it's because it's honestly not one of my favorites, maybe I meant to hold off on it until I'd updated something else and forgot… either way, sorry for the delay!

This one kinda pokes fun at the way various relationships are portrayed and has a hint of TonyxSteve humor, which I think many of you will appreciate.

Alpha
Tony, Darcy, Bruce, Steve, Pepper
Mentions of ThorxJane, PepperxTony, ClintxNatasha, Slight TonyxSteve and StevexDarcy

"Lewis, why are you back here?" Tony sounded vaguely annoyed at the presence of the brassy, buxom brunette that came as a free gift with the Foster-Selvig packaged deal. It wasn't much of a gift. Somehow the girl had managed to simultaneously endear herself to him and irritate him more than anything else in the existence of the entire universe. It had been postulated that it resulted from their inherent similarities, but honestly, he just didn't see it. Ok, so they liked to pull pranks together and go shot-for-shot against one another and goad people with each other and had the same sense of humor and shared a haphazard disregard for an alarming number of issues… he decided to stop thinking about it.

"I have noticed on multiple occasions that there is a heavy presence of sexual tension in this tower. It is unsettling, and I am obsessed with it. I want both more and less of the tension- it's like an addiction." She plopped herself eagerly on the couch beside Steve, who gave her a warm smile over his book. "So who's the issue? Thorne? Pepperony?"

"… You gave us celebrity shack-up names? And I'm Pepperoni? As the man, shouldn't I go first?"

She wagged a finger at him, "This is a world of empowered women. There is equality in the kitschy naming." Steve also got a wink at that, causing a deep blush.

"Brangelina and TomKat never had to put up with this crap…" Tony trailed off, muttering to himself.

"To answer your earlier question," Bruce cut in, sounding vaguely cranky and flicking through a file, "it's neither. Clint and Natasha's little quarrel has left me afraid of going near the lab, lest something regrettable happens and they upset the big guy." Tony narrowed his eyes.

"What do you call them?"

"Well, that depends- is this fight more to do with their battle-y, S.H.I.E.L.D.-y personas or their almost vaguely normal but not quite so it's kind of disturbing everyday personas?"

"Um, the first I think," Steve supplied uncertainly, "it happened while they were out on business."

"Ah, so it's a Blackhawk problem."

"Seriously? They get Blackhawk while I'm part of Pepperoni? This naming shit is biased… wait, what would you have called it if it was the second one?"

"Clintasha. I know; I'm pretty clever. It's why you love me."

"With the passion of a thousand suns. Now that you're all caught up on the gossip, will you leave?"

"Eh sure, why not… this was pretty much expected anyway." That caught Steve's attention, despite the fact he was not particularly inclined to gossip. He did, however, hate not understanding things.

"How so?"

Darcy shrugged, "Well, Blackhawk is doomed to failure. Until it's full-on Clintasha, this thing's gonna be a rocky ride." It was silent for a moment as all the men stared at her and Tony rubbed his forehead, looking like Bruce usually did after his own antics.

"Ok… I know that this is probably some stupid girl thing, and I'm going to regret this… but care to elaborate on that, princess?"

"Oh no, I want no part in this." Bruce collected his files, clutching the papers in his hands as he held them up in mock innocence, "I'd rather take my chances with Spy vs Spy than get pulled into another one of your two's crazy schemes."

"There's no scheme, just friendly conversation."

"Still don't want any part of it." He called back, tone vaguely playful.

"What are you two doing to chase Bruce away now, and should I be concerned for Steve?" Pepper strolled in casually as the scientist left, exchanging smiles and nods on the way. She was fiddling with her phone, ostensibly to manage various issues of Stark Industries or Tony… most likely Tony.

"The angel of snark over there was just going explain why she not only makes a differentiation between Blackhawk and Clintasha but also why one would be markedly more successful than the other." Before her boyfriend could further explain, she shot an impressed smirk over at the girl in question.

"Nice names. And I agree- not till Clint's willing to give up the battle for alpha."

"Alpha?" Steve seemed confused, "You mean like who's in command?"

"Well yeah… and obviously Natasha's not going to do it." The brunette stretched as she explained, "My addiction is this reality TV show you all call a life, dominance is hers."

"But I thought they were both pretty much on an equal pay grade? And if not, wouldn't Clint be above Natasha, having been an agent here longer and recruited her?"

"Oh Stevie-boy," Darcy patted his arm, "this has nothing to do with S.H.I.E.L.D. It's about who's in charge of the relationship. Like, who decides things- who wins the little battles. When one wants pizza and the other's feeling Chinese, only one gets to pick. And that's the problem, they're both used to being the one who makes the call. Take Jane and Thor for instance," (she added "I call them Thorne" to Pepper on a quick side note, who made a noise of approval) "she may manage some of his craziness, but when it comes down to it, he's got her wrapped around his little finger. He says, 'we're going to joust with cattle prods' and she might try to persuade him not to, but eventually someone skewered with giant electric sticks."

"… and you feel that Clint and Natasha do not have this?"

"No, no- they do. Clint does weird, creepy ninja-bird things, and his 'Tasha' tells him to knock it off. But Hawkeye and Black Widow have to make life or death calls and serve as leaders for other agents. Even when they're working in tandem, it's a bit of a power struggle. Clint sees it as the arena in which he can finally be in charge."

"And you think this is the problem with their relationship?"

"Of course it is; you can't have two alphas in a relationship."

"Ah, Ms. Lewis," Tony cut in cheekily, "that is where we must agree to disagree. I'd say Pep and I are pretty equal. We-" He was cut off by Darcy's snort of derision. "… What? We are- Pepper, tell her." The secretary leaned down to place a seemingly distracted kiss to his head.

"Yes, Tony, we are." But when he wasn't looking, she shot a clandestine smirk at Darcy that was full of promise.

"See!" His words were insistent, like a child's.

"By the way," Pepper continued without looking up from her phone, "have you made a decision regarding Dr. Matthijssen's project? I mean, obviously you have to accept it."

"No, I do not. It's a stupid idea, and we're not doing it. Investors just think it sounds good because they're stupid and don't know any better, but it's never happening with Stark funding."

"Of course, a complete waste… So are you going to go with the Germans and the theory they proposed?"

"I hate them even more; there's no one on that team who specializes in the core aspect of the research, and it'll take forever. I don't care what the board says, Pepper, you are not to accept that project. Now, what's the third option? I want to get working on this by next week."

"I'm not sure there is one, Tony… I'll just have to tell them both no, and we'll keep searching. It'll take a while to find someone with the expertise we need to get the ball rolling with a prototype similar to the Germans' proposal."

"Well, just make sure Matthijssen stays on our pay roll. He's less incompetent than most."

"With what, Tony? There isn't a project to focus him on right now if you're turning down his study."

"Well… have him work on the German concept."

"A Stark prototype has to be drafted first, and then we have to make sure it's not too similar. That could take weeks."

He looked affronted, "Why can't I have both? Conditionally accept the proposal, tell them he has to join their team. They won't say no."

"The board might not-" Tony waved her off.

"I could care less, it's my company."

"I suppose, but what's the contingency plan? If Dr. Matthijssen turns down the position, I mean."

"He won't."

"But supposing he does, the board will bring in Dr. Bri-"

"No, don't let that happen. Tell him we'll undertake his proposal at the 75% mark."

"Alright, if that's what you want, Tony. And thank you for that paperwork I asked you for, but this time, you'll have to get it done a bit quicker- no later than next week. I'll be at the board meeting letting the investors know about your decision, if you have any questions." Her breeze from the room was simple and swift, almost reverberating with irony. Darcy shot the older man a smirk.

"Don't worry; your balls are safe with her. They're in her purse, tucked snuggly between the lipstick and the tampons." Both continued without acknowledgement of Steve's blush.

"But… I'm in control, I-"

"No, Tony, be serious. She lets you think you're in control. When's the last time you made a call that wasn't Avengers related?" She cut him off before he could answer, "And think really hard on this, about whether it was actually your idea or one Pepper put in your head."

"… What do you mean?"

She shot Steve a look, curious if all men were this dense, "Replay your last conversation in your head and ask me that again. And remember- last week you called the Germans all Nazis and said Matthijssen's idea sounded like a fifth grade science project from a 'special' school. Way harsh, by the way. Besides, how would she have known to call a board meeting for today if she wasn't sure you were going to agree? Face it, handsome, she fed all that to you like a baby."

At this point, Tony was staring the Captain down thoughtfully, making him unsettled, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"If Steve and I were in a relationship,-"

"Please stop wherever this is going."

"- who would be the alpha?"

"… You worry me."

Darcy let out a full, throaty laugh, "Now that is a fun one to ponder. I shall dub thee Stony. And on the one hand, Steve kinda leads the Avengers; on the other, you're a lot more forceful than he is. You've got more of the typical masculine vices, what with the drinking and smoking and what not, but c'mon- he's the all-American man. Let me see…" She pondered it, pushing out her pouty lips and tapping her chin. "Well, if you guys were superhusbands, you'd be the man in the relationship-"

"Ha!" Tony jumped up victoriously, pointing a finger at a dubious Steve, who sat sputtering.

"Yo, bro, I said you'd be the man. Steve would totes be the- Oh my god, Stark and Stripes! That's what you would so be!" She whipped out her phone, immediately sending the comment to Jane in awe of her own brilliance.

"What," Tony demanded, waving a hand to get her attention, "Steve would 'totes' be what?"

Darcy's eyes did not even flicker up, "You would never date someone who couldn't push you around or manipulate you, Stark, just accept it." He huffed, duly affronted.

"So… I'm uncomfortable." Steve admitted, shifting in his chair, "How about we discuss something that isn't a purely subjective hypothetical so Tony stops looking like he's going to swallow his own tongue." At that comment, Stark popped up and grinned wickedly. Shooting them both a wink, he strutted out of the room purposefully, ignoring the other man's calls to him.

"Where the heck is he going?"

"Probably to come up with some kind of equation or simulator to establish dominance tendencies and probability between people… if he does, I'm gonna ask him to run some on Fury; I'm determined to find someone who will make him their bitch."

"That sounds… healthy."

"Oh extremely. And look at you, using sarcasm like a badass." He just grunted, thoughts wandering.

"So Steve," Darcy drawled, "what would our couple name be?"

She waggled her eyebrows and wondered if his face would ever be the right color again.

R_S: Again, not one of my favorites. I think it was a good idea, in concept, and I just fell short… oh well, let me know what you think! And please let me know if you have any requests or ideas =)