PART 11

HARM AND MAC'S HOUSE

LONDON, NW2

30 JUNE 2005

0935 ZULU

Mac was barely aware of the movement that had roused her from her deep, dreamless sleep, but as she slowly awakened, a smile crept across her face. Harm was snuggled in behind her, his lips lightly touching the skin where her neck and shoulder met, his quiet breath sending chills down the front of her chest. But it was his right hand, resting gently on her tummy that had caused her to smile – his thumb gently caressing the skin surrounding her navel. Sometimes his whole hand would make the journey in that lazy circle instead – usually followed by a light squeeze that pressed her even closer into him.

Harm was lost in the sensations he was feeling. He had been on an emotional rollercoaster since before they had gone to DC for the wedding. Now that they were back home and still had a few days off together before they had to return to work, it felt like the reality of everything was slowly sinking in. It didn't help matters that he was jet-lagged – in fact it compounded them. He was tired but unable to sleep and his emotions were on a rampage. He felt like all the nerves in his body were frayed. His mind just couldn't get around the concept of the situation he found himself in. Three months ago he was at one of the lowest points in his existence – dying inside over Mattie's accident and not able to turn to the one person he desperately needed to for fear of losing control completely. Lying there now, he couldn't remember the feeling that made him think it would be unacceptable to lose it in front of Mac. He knew that he had only been keeping it together by a thread, and that the slightest touch from Mac would have started an emotional landslide he knew he would be unable to control. Just why he had felt he needed to stay in control 24/7 was something he couldn't remember now either. Was it because he felt that Mattie would die if he didn't stay strong for her? He couldn't remember but it must have been something like that.

Now all those feelings were so foreign to him. His life had done a complete 180 in no time flat. He had the love of his life in his arms… in his bed…wearing his ring… and she was going to be giving him a child. That was the hardest part to wrap his head around. He had wanted so much to be a father – he'd known it since his relationship with Josh Pendry – he had loved that feeling. When Mac had told him about the endometriosis he'd been devastated – but he hadn't been able to let it show. She had already been so crushed. Why had she had to go through so much – Webb's death, resurrection and then the endometriosis on top of it all? All he had wanted to do was take her pain away somehow – so he had concentrated on that instead of the feeling of panic that had first overwhelmed him – the one that had initially made him want to scream.

He remembered those first feelings when she told him as if it had been only yesterday. He had wanted to get out of there as fast as he could – he'd actually felt nauseous. This was supposed to have been his ace-in-the-hole. If he had found no other way to make Mac his by the time the five years had rolled around – the 'baby deal' was supposed to have cemented it. He knew that they never would have survived trying to make a baby together without coming to terms with their feelings for one another. It had been as though his last chance for her had been ripped out of his grasp right at zero hour. He'd felt like he'd been dropped into a black hole with no way out. He'd had so many thoughts flying around his head but the last one was the one that made him the angriest – made him want to kick himself for picking five years – why hadn't he picked two or even three? It was then that Mac had asked him for his thoughts. There had been so many, but the only word that would come out was 'Timing'.

Then, just as quickly as it had been taken away, everything had been given back to him in spades. He felt overwhelmed, but this time it was like he had suddenly stepped into someone else's life – someone lucky for a change. Another wave of emotion washed over him and threatened to sink him. 'Mac. Finally. She's really here.' He squeezed her again – hoping he wouldn't wake her in the process, but needing to confirm that she was a reality and not some sort of cruel dream of the type that used to plague him so often – dreams that used to seem so real – used to make him feel so happy until he woke up and realized that he was really alone – or worse yet, that there was someone other than Mac in his bed.

His hand lightly rubbed her belly again – it was going to be a boy – he could just feel it. He would love a girl too – there was no doubt about it – but for some reason he just had a strong sensation that this was going to be his "Little Harm". His last thought caused a couple of stray tears to sneak out past his clenched eyelids, and forced him to sniff in response.

She lay there for several minutes, pretending to still be asleep and just relishing in the affection that Harm was showing her and their child. Since they had learned of the existence of this little life, Harm had become even more affectionate – if that was even possible. It seemed there wasn't a time when he was near her, that he didn't have some part of him touching her – whether it be just his hand at the small of her back to guide her through a door – sometimes he would simply hold on to one finger of her hand from underneath the table while he spoke to someone else – seemingly unaware of his constant need to be attached to her. Mac not only completely understood Harm's actions, but craved them. This man who could captivate her with one look, had powers over her beyond all belief when it came to touching her. It was like a low volt of electricity surged through her every time – it made her body hum. Mac gently moved her hand and covered his.

"I'm sorry, Mac – I didn't mean to wake you." He breathed into her ear in a husky whisper.

She leaned back into his embrace so she could see him "Are you OK, Harm?" She thought she had heard a sniffle and her suspicions were confirmed as he hastily wiped the back of his hand across his eyes before she could catch him. She put her hand to his face in concern.

Harm blew out his breath and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry." He cautioned. "It's the jet-lag. It's got me all messed up."

Mac smiled at him. "That's OK. It's nice to know someone else is hormonal as well."

Harm just laughed but then he suddenly turned and gave her a look that bore directly into her soul. "I was just thinking…" He tried but he couldn't deliver the line without his voice breaking, "Sometimes it just scares the hell out of me, Mac."

"Why?"

"Because we came so close… it all came down to roughly 18 hours. That was too close, Mac. I mean, what if you hadn't come over to my apartment when you did? Would I have gone… without telling you?"

"Harm, … don't. Don't go there."

"I can't help it, Mac – I'm sorry but it just keeps playing over in my head. I'm such an ass sometimes. I mean, I went over to your apartment earlier to try and … but somehow it was the same as always – standing there in front of you, I couldn't come up with the words I needed to." He looked down and stroked his finger along her bare arm. "And then when you told me that you were working through it – you were going to be alright with our separation – I balked… again." He shook his head slowly.

"Harm – it wasn't just you. I knew why you came over that day and I still let you walk out – I said I was working through it when I knew I wouldn't be able to. It was like it was still in the back of my mind that it wasn't real and I still had to pretend to be stronger than you… pretend that what was about to happen wasn't going to crush me like a bug."

Harm laughed "Yeah, I know the feeling."

"It was only when I came to the realization that you would really do it – that your pride – our pride – would actually let each other walk away." She laughed, "It was funny… I actually thought for a second as to who's 'turn' it was. Who was the last one to make an attempt and who was the last one to push the other away… then I thought to myself 'Who the hell cares – I can't do this anymore'. And that's when I decided to go."

"I'm so glad that you did Mac. I've been meaning to tell you - I just want to say thank you…" He put his hand back down on Mac's belly.

"Thank you for what, Harm?"

Harm's voice was barely a whisper "… For giving me everything I've ever wanted out of life…"

Mac tried to speak but couldn't so she just stared at him.

"Mac, I don't know if you really understand what being a father means to me… it's just…" his voice broke "… I mean… part of me is scared about whether I'll… well… you know, do a good job…" he smiled shyly and looked away, "… but just to be given this chance, Mac…" he turned and looked at her directly in her eyes again – boring into her soul, "…most of all to be given that chance with you by my side… Mac… it's like… well… I guess I'd have to say that all the crap we went through to get here…" he squeezed her hip, "…well, it was all worth it to have this… to have you and this baby… I'd do all that pain over again in a heartbeat for this."

Mac blinked away tears. Once again he had flabbergasted her into silence with his incredible passion and sincerity. "Harm… I don't know what I did to deserve you…"

"Ma-ac…" he tried to cut her off.

"I'm serious Harm – I mean look at you! You could have had anybody you wanted… yet you chose me. Not only did you choose me, you waited for me…for…"

"…for as long as it took."

Mac cocked her head to the side and sighed helplessly, "… for as long as it took. How do you think that makes me feel?"

Harm looked down at her with a sarcastic grin, "Well I'm hoping it makes you feel pretty good?"

Mac just shook her head with a watery smile and then suddenly batted him in the side of the head with a pillow.

"But you give me too much credit, Mac. All my girlfriends dumped me remember?"

"That's because you treated them like crap, Harm!"

"What?!"

"Ummm… hello! With the exception of Annie, who you just endangered her only living lifeline and blatantly disregarded everything you knew she stood for, you were emotionally unavailable to all of them."

Harm pretended to be offended, but couldn't look her in the eyes. "You're right."

Mac tenderly ran a finger over the top of his ear. "If you had ever treated any of them like you treat me, I would have had to chase them away with a baseball bat… not to say that thought didn't cross my mind anyway…"

"I wish you had…" Harm gave her a crooked smile. "… it's just that, I never wanted to treat any of them the way I treat you. I can't help myself. It's like – ever since we got together – I'm tripping over myself to make up for the past nine years…" He reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "There was just always something about you Mac. I swear – even if you weren't so devastatingly beautiful – I'd still feel the same way…"

Mac suddenly pushed her back up against the headboard and tucked her knees under her. "See…" her eyes suddenly glazed over with tears. "… now that's exactly what I can't get my head around."

They continued to stare at each other. Harm understood what was going on in her brain – he'd seen it all too much before. "Mac?" he said, suddenly turning more serious. "Do you remember what I said to you once before? When you found out your father was dying and you were sitting out front of the building trying to shut me out?"

Mac smiled, "You said a lot of things to me that day if I recall. I tried to kick your ass away from my table and you wouldn't leave."

Harm laughed softly, "Yeah, I can be pretty stubborn sometimes, can't I?"

"You have no idea…"

"Well, I remember one specific thing I said to you. About how you had to put your father in your past or he would haunt you…"

"Yeah, great advice, coming from you!"

"Well who better to come from than from me, Mac? At least I was speaking from experience!"

Mac smiled at him again, "I remember, you said something like if I didn't let him go, every tray of Martinis that passed by would make me think of him…"

"… and every man that told you you were worth something, you'd push away…"

They held each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Harm silently asking her whether she understood and Mac confirming undoubtedly that she did.

Harm suddenly shook his head in frustration and sat up on the side of the bed, "Mac, I'm just so glad that I never got to meet your parents you know, because I would have wanted to beat the crap out of them for instilling in you that sense of worthlessness that you had to overcome… that you're still not fully over…"

"I don't know if you would have been able to take my mother Harm – she probably has a good fifty pounds on you…"

Harm shook his head gave her a sideways glance and a half smile. One of his many looks that made her heart melt in an instant. Mac's eyes teared up again; sometimes she loved the fact that he was so protective of her. "You know, Harm – sometimes this whole 'being a parent' thing scares me so much. I mean, what if I fall into the same trap as my parents did… what if I start to repeat history…"

Harm cut her off before she could continue and took her hand, "Mac, that is not going to happen. First of all, the only children who repeat their parents' behaviour are those that don't understand that it was inappropriate behaviour in the first place. I mean, Bud's father was abusive and did you ever see Bud even come close to losing it with his kids? I mean, I don't think I've ever seen Bud exhibit even one quality that remotely resembled his father…ever! It was because he knew his father was wrong and he was very consciously aware not to go down that path. You're going to be the same way, Mac. The same as you did with your drinking. You recognized that it was going to be a problem and organized your life around making sure that it wasn't going to get the better of you."

Harm was starting to get frustrated. Mac just looked at him with her big watery brown eyes and he so wanted to reassure her... make it all better for her, but he couldn't – he didn't know the words. Suddenly he got up, walked to the corner of his room, grabbed his guitar and walked back to the bed.

"Mac, you have always constantly amazed me with your strength. It's been one of the greatest things I've loved about you. But one thing I've learned over the years is that under that strength is a soft, vulnerable woman who is still afraid. Now, you've seen first hand the effect that my father had on me – for good and bad. I think that your parents have had a similar effect on you, but God, Mac – you've done such a fabulous job of getting past that – and you did it completely by yourself. You helped me so much with all the stuff with my father, and besides that one day – I feel like I wasn't there for you as I should have been, Mac and I'm sorry…"

"Harm," she cut him off with a hand to his arm, "that's where you're wrong. You were there for me on this issue more than you realized – the same way you've always been there for me… just by your example…"

Harm shifted uncomfortably on the bed and furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Harm – I don't think there is anyone that has ever met you – even the ones that hated you – that hasn't wanted to be just a little bit like you. You set one of the finest examples of what a… well, not only an officer, but what a human being should be like in general…"

"Ma-ac…"

"No Harm, I'm serious. Whenever I found myself in turmoil over issues like this… well, I always just look to you as an example… and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Harm fought back his threatening tears with humour, "Well then I'm actually surprised you turned out so well, Marine."

"Hey" she breathed quietly and put her hand behind his neck, bringing him down to her for a gentle kiss.

"So are you actually going to play that thing for me, or are you going to just continue to bash it over your head?"

Harm smiled sheepishly. "Well, I heard this song the other day and learned it because it made me think of you. I guess it also reminds me that we both know how much of an impact parents can have on young lives, so as long as we keep that in mind – we shouldn't mess our kids up too badly, right?"

Mac just smiled at Harm as he started to play a wistfully beautiful melody and then began to sing;

"I know a girl

She puts the color inside of my world

She's just like a maze

Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can

To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

Now I'm starting to see

Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too."

Harm continued to play the song until Mac was a teary mess by the time he had finished. This man - her best friend and the owner of her heart - he knew her so well it was sometimes overwhelming. She tried to smile and recover herself but she felt herself slipping and she didn't know what to say, so she said the first thing that came to her mind.

"Do you think we'll have a daughter, Harm?"

Harm quickly put the guitar down and gathered her up in his arms. He felt like such an ass – all he'd wanted to do was make her feel better and he'd ended up making her cry again instead.

"I don't know, Mac. I'd love to have a little girl so much… but I have to admit, I think it'll be a boy."

Mac just grinned into his chest. She wanted it to be a boy too and she didn't know why. She definitely wanted a girl as well, but this one – hopefully just their first – well, she wanted to give him a son. Harm was so… well, 'all man' – and to be the mother of a little Rabb flyboy – well, if he became half the man that Harm was, she would burst with pride.

"Me too" was all she could manage to whisper before he came down on her lips with a gentle but passionate kiss. The electricity shot through her once again and she moaned.

Harm felt her moan rumble through his entire body and it lit all his nerve endings on fire. He couldn't understand it – how was it that he couldn't even count the number of times he had made love to this woman, yet somehow each time he wanted her more every time. He swallowed once with some difficulty, then breathed a kiss into her ear before trailing them down her neck and shoulder. Quickly he scooted down the bed so his face was at her stomach.

"Hey sweet pea," he spoke to his growing child, "Mommy and I are going to be making some noise now for a bit, but don't be scared OK? It's something we're going to do a lot…" he smiled a half grin "… you've probably already figured that out by now, haven't you? Well, it only means that we love each other very much, so I hope it doesn't bother you in there." He planted a sweet kiss on her belly and then his voice softened somewhat, "Now you grow big and strong in there so that you can come out and be with us, OK? We can't wait to meet you kiddo." He grinned and looked up at Mac and then rubbed her belly lovingly as he touched his lips against it once again.

Mac watched the scene unfold in front of her and was mesmerized. For a moment she swore Harm's voice sounded just like his father's did on those letter tapes from all those years ago. Not the same voice at all, but the same tone of voice, the same lilt and speech pattern… suddenly a shiver travelled up her spine and the little hairs on the back of her neck stood at attention.

She was drawn out of her state by the feeling of his lips on her belly and it sent shivers to her toes.

Harm returned to the head of the bed and planted a gentle but searing kiss on her lips. "God, I just can't get enough of you, baby…"

HARM'S OFFICE

NLSO BROFF, U.S. NAVY BUILDING

JUST OFF GROSVENOR SQUARE, W1Y

15 SEPTEMBER 2005

1315 ZULU

Harm was insanely distracted. He was desperately trying to get work done to take his mind off of it, but he simply couldn't concentrate. He'd read some word – something that reminded him of her, and the next thing he knew it his mind had wandered somewhere else – somewhere with her in it.

She'd been gone for almost a week now on an investigation at the Marine Barracks in Exeter and it had driven him mad. They hadn't been separated since they'd gotten together that fateful day in April – unless you counted those three days she'd kicked him out of their bed, and the night before their wedding – those had been bad enough, but at least he'd been able to see her. This was like some sort of excruciating torture. He'd talked to her on the phone every night, but that somehow had almost made it worse. That feeling like she was almost there, yet he couldn't touch her.

Now she was coming home today – she would be there when he got home from work and he was beside himself with the wait. This day seemed to be taking for ever to pass by. He wiped his hand over his face and straightened up in his chair, determined to take another stab at the paragraph in front of him, when MacRae's voice came over the intercom.

"Colonel Rabb to see you, sir."

It took Harm a second to fully digest the sentence he'd just heard.

"Send her in Lance Corporal." It was all he could do to keep his voice calm.

He stood up as she entered the room and his heart almost leapt out of his chest. He couldn't suppress the gigantic grin that was spreading across his face. God she looked so beautiful. She was showing now and had seemed to have gotten even bigger since the last time he'd seen her. She had obviously had time to change out of her uniform since she'd gotten back. She hated that pregnancy tunic, not because she didn't look good in it, but because it made her feel so 'un-marine-like' – reminded her that she was no longer first-line material. He noticed now that she always changed into civvies as soon as she possibly could. She was walking in through his door wearing a flowery maternity top and black Capri's. She looked so good pregnant and it made his heart swell that she was his.

She had barely gotten the door closed before he had taken her up in his arms. "What are you doing back so soon? I didn't expect you until tonight!" He clamped his lips over hers and kissed her passionately, making her unable to respond.

"Well, I got away early…" she responded as soon as she had a chance, "… and easy there flyboy… we are still in your office…" She was remarking on Harm's roaming hands and his mouth clamped onto the side of her neck.

"Don't care…" he mumbled between kisses, "… missed you too damn much."

Mac fought the tingling sensation he was sending through her body and sighed. "I know… that definitely sucked. I can hardly wait until I'm on maternity leave and they can't send me away anywhere. Listen, I was hoping to scoot you away to a late lunch?"

Harm lifted his head from her neck and looked at her, "You bet." He said determinedly. "Just let me clear this file away and we can go." He sat back down at his desk and collected the file together while Mac lowered herself into one of his office chairs.

The file he had been working on referred back to an old case and that file was included in the dossier. As he slid the file back into the folder, the name of the investigating officer, printed in bold letter on the bottom of the file, leapt out and seemed to literally grab him by the throat. 'M. Brumby, LCdr.' Harm froze.

Mac had been trying to get herself comfortable so she missed the sudden change in Harm's face. Harm had looked up quickly to see if she'd seen anything, but she was preoccupied so he stood up.

"Uh… Mac. Listen, I'll be right back – you wait here, OK?"

"I'm not going anywhere without you, Sailor" she smiled and winked at him and he couldn't resist grinning at her in return.

Harm walked outside of the office and closed the door behind him. MacRae jumped to attention but Harm waved him to easy. "How long have you been here Lance Corporal?"

"Two – three years, sir."

"Uh… listen…" he lowered his voice so that Mac wouldn't be able to over hear him. "…do you by any chance remember this officer?"

MacRae looked at the name that Harm pointed out and nodded his head. "Yes, sir. He was here when I was first posted in. Australian bloke, sir."

"That's right. He's… uh…" Harm couldn't help but feel uneasy, "… he's not still in town by any chance, is he?"

"No sir." Replied MacRae confidently

Harm let out a relieved sigh until MacRae completed his sentence.

"He's deceased sir."

"What?!" Harm was incredulous.

"I'm afraid he died, sir. I'm sorry – did you know the fellow?"

"Yes…" Harm looked away, stunned, "… we were both in DC at the same time." He turned back to the Marine, "You don't happen to know what happened, do you?"

The marine suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Well, sir. I… I mean, I heard rumours, but I couldn't say for sure."

"Well tell me what you know, Marine. I won't hold you to the record."

"Aye, sir. Well, there were rumours it was… well, sir… an overdose."

"What?!" Harm was even more incredulous than he was the first time.

"Harm?" Harm had been so involved in his conversation that he hadn't heard his office door open. When he turned, he was facing one slightly panicked, pregnant Marine.

TBC

A/N: "Daughters", words and music by John Mayer. From the Album "Heavier Things" 2003. It's a really sweet song – if you've never heard it I highly suggest downloading it (legally, of course!).