Happy new year everyone! I am so sorry about these updates. My time is very limited now because I am working literally every day. I hope to update at least every week. That's my goal. Anyways, how was everyone's holiday? Got any new year resolutions you want to complete?

I just want to say thank you to each and every one of you for all your comments and feedback on this story! I apreciate everything! And you have any thoughts or feedback you would like to provide for me please don't be afraid to tell me! I welcome all feedback so I can make this story the best! :)

Thanks guys and enjoy the chapter!

Okay?

~Wallflower95

10

Okay. I'm not afraid of flying. I'm not. I mean, I can't be because I've never actually been in a plane before. Never in my life. We didn't go on many vacation's pre-cancer and when we did it was always road trips so there was no point in getting into an aircraft that may or may not crash to take you to your destination. I felt the plane engines roaring to life. We were at the runway. I was gripping the the arm rest while looking out the window, watching the airport disappear behind us. We began to accelerate. My knuckles were white from gripping the arm rest. I leaned back in my seat.

"This is what it feels like to drive in a car with you." Hazel Grace said. I smiled but was to busy clenching my jaw to reply.

"Okay?" She said to me. We picked up speed. My hand fell on Hazel Grace's hand that was resting on the arm rest. I look out the window in shock.

"Okay?" She said again. I barely heard her.

"Are you scared of flying?"

"I'll tell you in a minute." I said. I leaned back in my seat and we were in the air. I felt my ears pop. I realized I was holding my breath. I breathed out slowly through my mouth and I leaned forwards to look out the window. Indianapolis was below us. So small I could wipe it out with my finger. Is this real? I felt a big grin spread across my face and I relaxed a bit.

"We are flying." I said out loud. Wow that sounded idiotic but at the moment I didn't really care. We are flying.

"You've never been on a plane before?" I shook my head.

"LOOK!" I shouted. I'm pretty sure every head in the plane turned towards the crazy guy shouting out the window. Oh wait, that's me.

"Yeah, I see it. It looks like we're on a plane." Hazel Grace said. The earth below us shrank. Like it was the same toy miniature set I used to play with when I younger.

"NOTHING HAS EVER LOOKED LIKE THAT EVER IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY!"

I was looking out the window at the miniature toy world when I felt Hazel Grace lean towards me and kissed my cheek. And then I realized, I'm on a plane sitting next to Hazel Grace heading towards Amsterdam.

"Just so you know, I'm right here. Sitting next to you. Your mother. Who held your hand as you took your first infantile steps." Mrs. Lancaster said.

"It's friendly." Hazel Grace said as she leaned towards her mother for a kiss.

"Didn't feel too friendly." I mumbled with a small smile on my lips. I saw her smile, knowing that she heard my comment. This is what I wanted. I know that there's no stopping my cancer. I all I want is to fall in love with Hazel Grace.

We were soon on another plane in Detroit that would take us straight to Amsterdam. Once the plane was off and we were above our small world we played a romantic comedy movie. We tried timing it just right, being synchronized in our pressing play but my movie started a few seconds before hers. Although I was watching the movie, just out of the corner of my eyes I watched Hazel Grace watching her movie. I saw a small smile on her lips. Her green eyes reflecting the movie screen. For a moment, I saw her glance at me. I tried not to look right at her. She looked back at her screen, the small smile still on her lips.

Mrs. Lancaster and this grand idea that we'd take sleeping pills and sleep for the rest of the flight so we'd be right to take on Amsterdam as soon as we got there. Within seconds of taking the pill, Mrs. Lancaster was out. I guess for two teenagers who've been drugged up a lot at hospitals don't really get knocked by sleeping pills like normal people.

The two of us stayed up, looking out the window. It was a clear day, and although the sun was not setting where we were, it was setting somewhere else.

"God, that is beautiful." Hazel Grace said.

"'The risen sun too bright in her losing eyes.'" I said, reciting a line from An Imperial Affliction.

"But it's not rising."

"It's rising somewhere." I answered.

"Observation: It would be awesome to fly in a superfast airplane that could chase the sunrise around the world for a while."

"Also, I'd live longer." She said. I looked at her, probably with a stupid questioning look on my face.

"You know, because of relativity or whatever." I'm still confused. God, she is way to smart for me. Honestly I feel like a moron next to her. Especially cause I'm a year older and she's the one who's in college and I'm still in high school. How embarrassing.

"We age slower when we move quickly versus standing still. So right now time is passing slower for us than for people on the ground." She said. I smiled at her.

"College chicks. They're so smart." She rolled her green eyes. I hit her with my actual real knee and she hit me back with her knee.

"Are you sleepy?"

"Not at all."

"Yeah. Me neither." She said. Same for her, drugs just don't work on us anymore.

"Want to watch another movie?" I asked. "They've got a Portman movie from her Hazel era." I said.

"I want to watch something you haven't seen."

We ended watching this movie called 300. A war movie about 300 Spartans who protect Sparta from and invading army of Persians. A movie about blood, sacrifice, glory and victory. It was like Max Mayhem meets 300. My movie started before Hazel Grace's again. In the movie, some guy got his hand chopped off.

"Dang!" I said out loud. It was a glorious movie and I was really enjoying myself.

"Fatality!" After some time, Hazel Grace leaned over and put her head against my shoulder so she could watch my movie. I smiled a little when I felt her head against my shoulder. Towards the end of the movie, when it was getting really awesome, Hazel Grace spoke.

"How many dead people do you think there are?" I waved at her, trying not to be rude. I just couldn't miss this incredible ending.

"Shh. Shh. This is getting awesome." I said. The Persians were literally climbing a mountain of bodies, fighting the Spartans until there was no one left. It was amazing. I felt Hazel Grace's head lift off my shoulder as I watched the movie. She was watching me watch the movie. I didn't mind.

Once the credits were rolling I took off my headphones and looked at Hazel Grace.

"Sorry, I was awash in the nobility of sacrifice. What were you saying?"

"How many dead people do you think there are?" She repeated.

"Like, how many fictional people died in the fictional movie? Not enough." I joked.

"No, I mean, like, ever. Like, how many people do you think have ever died?" I smiled because happen to know the answer to that question. Grade 12 student to the rescue!

"I happen to know the answer to that question," I said proudly. "There are seven billion living people, and about ninety-eight billion dead people." I said. Hazel Grace's expression practically fell.

"Oh." She said.

"There are about about fourteen dead people for every living person." The movie credits kept rolling and Hazel Grace was still leaning against my shoulder, pondering what I have said.

"I did some research on this a couple of years ago. I was wondering if everybody could be remembered. Like, if we got organized, and assigned a certain number of corpses to each living person, would there be enough living people to remember all the dead people?" I had done this research during my diagnosis. At time, I was afraid cancer was going to win and I had wanted to make sure that maybe, just maybe the memory of me would be remember by enough people who actually gave a damn about me.

"And are there?" She asked me.

"Sure, anyone can name fourteen dead people. But we're disorganized mourners, so a lot of people end up remembering Shakespeare, and no one ends up remembering the person he wrote Sonnet Fifty-five about."

"Yeah." There was a moment of silence.

"You want to read something?" I blurted out. I wanted to kick myself (again). Why ask her that? Stupid. I just wanted to listen to her voice. She has this voice that just makes you want to stop and listen forever.

Hazel Grace was reading this super long poem called Howl by Allen Ginsberg for her poetry class while I was re-reading An Imperial Affliction.

"Is it any good?" I ask her.

"The poem?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah it's great. The guys in the poem take even more drugs than I do. How's AIA?"

"Still perfect," I said. It's true. This book is... amazing. "Read to me."

"This isn't really a poem to read aloud when you are sitting next to your sleeping mother. It has, like, sodomy and angel dust in it." Hazel Grace said. I supressed a laugh. This girl never ceases to amaze me.

"You just named two of my favorite pastimes. Okay, read me something else?"

"Um," She looked nervous, shy even. "I don't have anything else?"

"That's too bad. I am so in the mood for poetry. Do you have anything memorized?"

"'Let us go then, you and I," She began reciting nervously. "'When the evening is spread out against the sky/ Like a patient etherized upon a table."

"Slower."

"Um, okay. Okay. Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, / The muttering retreats / Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels / And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shell: / Streets that follow like a tedious argument / Of insidious intent / To lead you to an overwhelming question... / Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" / Let us go and make our visit.'"

It was like I was transported into another world when she spoke. I suddenly wasn't on the plane. Her voice, so soft and gentle. So beautiful.

"I'm in love with you." I said quietly.

"Augustus."

"I am." I said, staring right into her green eyes. She is so beautiful.

"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout in the void, and oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

There. I said it. I don't care if I'm dying... I love Hazel Grace. I love how she's smarter than me and that she's funny and beautiful and she doesn't even know it. I like that she's a vegitarian so she can minimize the deaths she responsible for and I like she just herself and she doesn't try hard to fit in. I like that she is Hazel Grace. She is perfect in every way.

"Augustus." She said quietly. She looked sad. She doesn't want to be with me, to spare me. What she doesn't realize is she won't be hurting me at all. I will be hurting her. I don't want to do that to her but all I know is I want to spend the rest of my living days with her.

She just looked at me and I looked at her and then I turned away, pretending to sleep. I don't expect her to say anything now. She just needs time. All I want is for the trip to go well.