She couldn't speak, it was if her throat had closed up and locked itself up tight like a safe. This couldn't be happening, that can't be what she said or what she meant, this was not how it was supposed to go. They were supposed to be together. They both wanted to be together.
"What-how-I don't understand." Hot tears threatened to blind her and she shook her head from side to side, trying to wake herself from this nightmare. "Regina, I don't understand. Please, help me to understand." She pleaded and grabbed Regina's hands and pulled them to her mouth, kissing the gloved fingers as if that would be payment enough to purchase her dream of being with her.
"Emma. Please. I love you. So, so very much." Regina's tears were falling like a waterfall down her cheeks and streaming from her chin. "That's why I can't be with you. My mother." Her voice cracked and she gasped, desperately trying to get oxygen to her lungs. "She would destroy you Emma. The woman is cruel, it would make her ecstatic to see you suffer. She cares for no one but herself." She shuddered. "Not even her own daughter."
Wanting nothing more than to console the woman she loved as she crumbled before her, Emma reached out to place her hand on Regina's shoulder, only to have the other woman back away shakily. "Regina-I"
"Please don't say that you don't care Emma. Please don't say that it doesn't matter to you what happens. Because I do, I couldn't be the cause of anything bad happening to you. Don't you understand? It would kill me! I love you Emma!" Her pleas tore through Emma's heart. She realized that Regina was only trying to protect her, but just the thought of never being together was the worst kind of pain imaginable.
"I can't do this Regina! There is nothing worse than not being with you!" Emma reached for her but Regina kept backing away, step by step, sobbing as she went.
"I'm so sorry Emma. Please believe me! I love you darling, I always will." With that she turned away and walked swiftly away from her. Emma took a few steps after her and then stopped.
"Regina!" She cried as the woman disappeared around the corner. Emma fell to her knees in the middle of the alley, amidst the discarded boxes and trash bins. "But I love you." She whispered as the tears fell and the sound of high heeled boots running away echoed in her mind.
The home care bills were piling up. Special Agent Emma Nolan sat at her desk and massaged her temples, hoping to fight off the migraine that was threatening to bring some pain to her stress party. Paying for the in home care for her parents was taking just about every last dime from her paycheck, causing her to feel the pressure of living with a financial sword of Damocles hanging over her head. She knew that she was just one expensive emergency away from being forced out onto the streets of Boston alongside her parents. Her mother had been paralyzed from the accident six years ago and lost the use of her legs and was able to take care of herself independently, however the needs of her father made it impossible for Mary Margaret to care for him on her own. David Nolan had never awakened from his coma after the accident, now the same man who seemed like a superman to her as a child, strong and powerful, was a ghost of his former self. He had lost so much weight that it hurt her to look at him, his skin that used to be sunkissed was now pale and gray. What she missed most of all was seeing the light in his eyes that sparkled like fireworks on the Fourth of July. In some ways it felt worse having her father trapped in this hellish Limbo than if he had died in the accident. She hated herself when her thoughts took her there, to that dark place, but seeing her mother live with the heartbreak of having her husband so close physically but a million miles away in all the ways that mattered made Emma wish for closure, one way or the other.
Leaving Storybrooke six years ago was an easy decision for her except for two factors that both weighed heavily on her soul. It felt like she had abandoned Ruby even though her best friend both supported and encouraged her choice to leave and move to Boston. Ruby knew that the town had become toxic and that it was best for Emma to put it behind her. Ruby stressed to her that there was no way that Emma could move on with her life if she remained in Storybrooke, the miasma of misery that hung over the town would smother any hope she had for the future. Now after all the support and encouragement her friend had given her, Emma felt the weight of guilt press heavily on her soul over the status of their friendship. Miles and time had separated the two friends and they slowly began to drift apart. Being busy with her training with the FBI when she first arrived in her new city had kept Emma from communicating with Ruby at all besides an email once a week. Moving into a house and setting up her parents to live with her reduced the time even further that Emma could allow herself to stay in touch, soon the emails turned into quick texts. Now they were hardly speaking, it had been months since Emma had heard anything from Ruby.
She started to feel that Storybrooke was a chapter in her life that had ended. She had no real reason to go back there and she hardly missed it. Especially now that she had Lily. They had met one night months ago when Emma's mother had insisted that her daughter needed to take a break and unwind from work and the stress of taking care of her parents at home. Reluctantly she had gone out by herself to a small bar and decided that she would have one quick drink and then head back home, having satisfied her mother's requirement that she go out. After she had finished her drink and was about to leave, the bartender slid another drink in front of her.
"I didn't order another drink." Emma told him, slightly irritated that the man was trying to get more money out of her. He hitched his thumb over his shoulder and nodded his head toward the end of the bar.
"Yeah, but she did." With that he turned away and busied himself with another customer, leaving Emma alone to frown in confusion as she sought out a glimpse of her mysterious benefactor. There at the other end of the bar sat a dark haired beauty who waved with her fingers in a very flirty fashion. She was hot, Emma admitted to herself. Her dark eyes were hypnotizing Emma and she felt a definite pulling inside her toward the woman. Wondering what she should do next, the choice was snatched away from her when the woman stood up from her stool and walked slowly toward Emma, never breaking eye contact while she swayed her hips slowly from side to side. Emma gulped involuntarily at the allure of sex that seemed to just flow effortlessly from the woman. She felt like a helpless gazelle being stalked by a powerful lioness, helpless to do anything but stand still and wait to be devoured.
"Hi, i'm Lily." Slowly she sat down without invitation on the stool next to Emma. As she spoke, Emma was entranced by her deep lusty voice, and distracted by her tongue as she used it slowly, drawing out the 'L's' in her name.
"Emma." The blonde blinked rapidly, trying to steady her nerves. She hadn't been hit on or even spoken to by another woman when it wasn't work related for so long that she couldn't even recall the last time. Emma hadn't even felt attraction to anyone other than… her.
It hurt to even think her name, so she pushed the thought out of her head and focused on the woman with the seductive smile sitting in front of her.
"You looked like you could use a drink." Lily raised her own glass to her lips, sipping at the brown liquor inside.
"I already had one." Emma tried to play it cool, and leaned back, trying in vain to break the gravitational pull that Lily had her in.
"Yeah, I could see that. But it looked like it didn't do the trick. You drank it fast and you still had that look on your face." Lily leaned closer to Emma and the blonde knew then that if she tried to move back any further she would fall off her stool.
"Oh yeah? What kind of look did I have on my face?" Emma smirked with a little bit of an edge in her voice. Why am I trying to fight this? It's not like I have someone in my life. An image of a different brunette flashed in her mind, but Emma put that picture away and locked it in the vault in her heart that she kept all her feelings that hurt too much to acknowledge.
"Loneliness." Lily's eyes reflected understanding to Emma, there was something inside this other woman that seemed to mirror her own heartache. "I recognize the look of someone who would feel alone in a crowded elevator. I figured that you could use some company and I wanted to make sure that was me." She winked at Emma and the blonde could feel herself blush.
"What are you? A psychic or something?" Emma scoffed, realizing that she hadn't denied Lily's insight into her state of mind.
"No, I'm a bail bondswoman." Lily took another sip and Emma decided to join her and sipped her own. A bail bondswoman?
"Really? Well you've managed to peak my interest Lily."
The brunette chuckled. "Well that's a start I suppose." She held her glass up to Emma's. "Cheers." Emma returned the toast with a grin.
"Cheers."
After that they fell easily into a relationship, much to Emma's surprise. Lily was smart, she was funny, and she did things in bed that Emma had never imagined was possible. For the first time in a quite a while Emma felt content. Lily was nearly everything she wanted, except for one thing.
Lily wasn't her.
Six years and maybe sixty sentences. That estimate sounded about right to Ruby as she sighed when she saw Storybrooke's Mayor stride purposefully to the counter of Granny's diner. It looked like the dark grey pantsuit was new, or at least Ruby hadn't noticed it before, as always the suit looked expensive and very stylish, the darkness of the suit was offset by a crimson red satin blouse. Her eyes were covered with the dark sunglasses that she wore on most days outside, only taking them off when it rained or at night, her mask that kept other's from trying to get close enough to make small talk. The clicking of her high heeled black boots that rose up her leg halfway to her calves sounding like gunshots, silencing the chatter of the early morning crowd and averting eyes as if looking in her direction was a crime. Her crimson lipstick matched her blouse color perfectly and Ruby wondered if she bought the blouse just to match the lipstick, after all, she had the money to have either the blouse or the lipstick custom made. The lip shade drew eyes to the menacing sneer that had become permanent in the last six years and would change only when they delivered a venomous remark or a cutting barb to any unlucky citizen who happened to be on the receiving end of the mayor's attentions. It was a shame, thought Ruby, because her memory seemed to recall that her smile was beautiful, Ruby knew one person who used to think so.
"Coffee." The order was delivered as if she was an android, precise and succinct, with no emotion and absolutely no desire for a reply. The young waitress was new and Ruby felt sorry for her employee as she saw her start to ask how the mayor took her coffee, she was not about to put the poor girl through the ringer so soon in her food service career.
Placing a hand on the young girl's shoulder Ruby nodded her head to the window. "I got this Scout, table six's eggs are ready." Scout smiled in appreciation and relief and hurried to grab the plate of eggs over easy and scooted away. Ruby grabbed a to go cup and began to pour the coffee. "How's it going Regina?" She braved the question because unlike every other person in town, Ruby was not afraid of Regina, in fact she felt the exact opposite for the woman, she felt sorry for her. Finishing the black coffee with a single spoonful of cane sugar, she placed the lid on the large cup and handed it to the mayor.
Only her lips moved as she replied with one syllable, like a statue, her posture was fixed and rigid, her face frozen. "Fine." Regina placed the money on the counter and swiftly turned away, she never asked for the change. Ruby assumed that it was less about leaving a tip and more about avoiding any kind of social interaction.
Watching the woman march out of the diner, not for the first time in the last six years, Ruby felt sorry for her. She spoke with compassion in her voice as she called out to Regina's back. "Have a nice day Regina." For only an instant Ruby observed the hesitation, the outreached hand that hovered over the door handle for a fraction of a second, the broken beat in the footsteps and the nearly imperceptible movement of the head. Then in a flash she was out the door and already marching down the sidewalk, alone.
Without stopping she called over her shoulder to her secretary, Rebecca, as she opened the door to her office. "No interruptions for the next thirty minutes." No good morning, or hello was given and Rebecca had learned not to expect any. The mayor was curt on good days and down right brusque on bad ones. This appeared to be shaping up to be a bad one.
"Yes ma'am." Was the professional response given to the rapidly closing office door.
Regina advanced to her desk at a slightly accelerated speed and placed her coffee on the polished surface, sloshing the hot beverage inside. With poise she sat down and rolled her chair forward slightly until she could rest her elbows comfortably on the desk. Then her professional veneer cracked and she yanked her sunglasses off and covered her already watery red eyes with her hands and let the tears fall into her palms as her body shuddered with silent sobs. For five long minutes she allowed herself the luxury of crying before she shook her head angrily and wiped her ruined mascara off her cheeks with her hands.
"Foolish girl!" She hissed to herself. "Stop this insipid bawling at once!" Her angry whispers traveled only to her own ears as she punished herself for her weakness. Sniffling, she slid open the top drawer of her desk and removed her mirror and makeup from inside, preparing to reapply her mask for the public. After finishing her repair job, she replaced the items and closed the desk, reaching for her keys in her purse she pulled them out, inserting one into the only drawer that had a lock on it. The sole item inside was a journal that she placed on the desk, eyeing it with a tired and resigned look. Retrieving a pen, she opened the cover and paged halfway through it until she came to a blank page, with a weary sigh she put the tip on the empty line and began to write.
My dearest Emma,
I had been strong for almost a week. There had been no need to write in this infernal journal for days because I had successfully stifled my feelings. However today has shattered the fragile cage I had placed around my heart and forced me to once again bare my soul in these pages. As I have written to you previously, that quack of a therapist dreamed up this idea as a way to prevent me from having a nervous breakdown. Who knows if it is effective or not, but at least it allows me to give voice to my feelings instead of just allowing them to churn in chaos in my mind. As you know, I have no one to talk to. Not a single soul besides the therapist who takes my call once a week for our sessions. Having a therapist in New York allows me the peace of mind of knowing that my mother has no idea that I am speaking to him. I absolutely cannot see one in Storybrooke for my mother would discover and quickly force the therapist into revealing every single word that came out of my mouth and use my own words to hurt me.
I hate her Emma. I hate her with a fury that frightens and shames me for how can a child feel such loathing for their parent and not be considered a monster? In spite of myself I can't help these feelings! How could I not feel this way toward a woman who gave birth to me but feels nothing but contempt and apathy for her own daughter? A woman who sees my very existence as nothing but a means to an end for her own success. I realize that I am only a tool for her to manipulate for her own benefit, that is all I have ever been or shall ever be. There lies the reason for my rancor, appreciating the truth that she has never loved me.
There has only been one person in the world who has ever felt anything for me and she forced me to send her away. For if I was allowed the freedom to love and be loved how could she exercise control over me? So I had no alternative but to push you away and out of my life for I am well aware that her threats are never empty. Had we attempted to be together she would have ruined your life, or even done much worse I fear.
I know she killed my father.
Although I have no proof, and possibly never will, I know that Cora killed him. Of that I have no doubt. Just as I know that Gold is also a killer and the two of them are the worst kind of villains, having no respect or care for anyone except their own terrible appetites. I am trapped to live with this knowledge. There is no one I can trust with this, no one I can trust not to inform them, no one whose life I could risk by sharing this terrible burden. I can not even speak these thoughts to my therapist, lest he attempt to involve the authorities. I am too much of a coward to risk the man's life that way, even if I do find his counsel lacking on most days. No, I am only able to confide in these pages that will never be seen by any eyes save my own.
I saw Ruby today. I don't know what possessed her to attempt to speak to me today, but she did, and it nearly killed me. Doesn't she understand that seeing or speaking to her makes me think of you? That is something that I can not allow myself to do! Ruby was your friend and in time she could have been mine as well, but now she is just a painful reminder of a life that could have been. A life that I have no business thinking about because it is as impossible now as it was then.
I know everyone in town hates me. They all call me a bitch or brand me as some cold unfeeling tyrant. They have no idea of the pain I carry everyday. They can't understand that I must keep everyone at arm's length for their own safety. I must be seen as cruel and unkind so that others don't attempt to get close to me. For if they do they will only be hurt. So I will forever be alone because I made the vow that I would never hurt anyone else the way I hurt you.
With all my love,
Regina