Browniechadowes & Co. Are Tired and Immature

In Bella's Driveway:

Edward: Want to ride with me today? Ya, I've decided to be less asshole and more man candy. I figure, what could it hurt? Might be fun to have a little change. Sidenote: This candyness will probably end if your life is ever threatened in any way, my sweet.

Bella: Yes, thank you. Thank you God. Mmmmm, jacket. *sniff*

Edward: No twenty questions today?

Bella: Au contraire, my petit icepop o' sexiness. There will be so many questions for the reader to take in that a person condensing the book might stick all of our incessant questioning into *gasp* one chapter later on.

Edward: Good morning Jessica. *dazzle*

Jessica: Er… hi. Oh God, oh God. .Staring. Must think of incredibly insulting thing to think of about Bella… marble muscles, amber sexilicious eyes, aaahhhh. *focuses on Bella, taking deep breath* scissors to my castration… much better.

Bella: ?

Edward: She wants to know if we're dating and how you feel about me. Poor Bella, if I told her what Jessica was actually thinking, her ego would probably plunge into the negatives…tempting –

Stephenie: *bitch slaps Edward* No, Edward. Yes, we want Bella to feel like a sack of crow, but she still needs to be functional.

Edward: *pout* ok.

Mike: How was porn with anus?

Bella: ?

Mike: How was Port Angeles?

Bella: It was…great.

browniechadowes: *immaturely* tee hee.

Jessica: Tell me everything. Or I shall dice you with my nail file, you braces to a blow job.

Bella: He bought me dinner, drove me home, breathed on me, had an awesome smelling jacket, and I am definitely not irrevocably in love with him. Yes ah aaammm!!!

Jessica: W-o-w, Edward Cullen. Okay does Bella just not get sarcasm? Who would want to date a cold white dude with a cowlick? Okay, I'd do him, but that's about it… and he'd probably give the old vag walls frostbite anyway.

Edward: *popping head up randomly* I know, I know. She never gets the sarcasm thing. It's okay though, because your comments end up sounding like you're really interested in her. Win win, really. *ducks back out*

Bella: *with glazed lover love eyes* I know, wow. Ya, that's right bitch. Edward is mine, allll miiiinnne. Damn it, Steph, now I'm just sounding evil.

Jessica: Has he kissed you? Perverted prostitute.

Bella: It's not like that. It's so much more. He touches my cheek and stuff… mmm kinky cheek caressing.

Jessica: Now I see. The whole "Pretty Woman", you can fuck me but don't kiss me thing. Way to be original, Bella dear. He is unbelievably gorgeous. Might as well feed the little slut some compliments, even if she is like bacon to a pig.

Bella: He's even more unbelievable behind the face. Okay, I'm sorry Stephenie but I don't really get this alliteration. I mean, I get that I might like his mind, but isn't that just an awkward way of phrasing it?

Stephenie: *clears throat* Bella = awkward. Comment = awkward. Don't see a problem there.

Jessica: How much do you like him? *snorts* more like, how much did he pay you?

Bella: Too much.

browniechadowes: Tee hee. *slaps immature self* So sorry, the collective characters and I would like to apologize for our immaturity in this chapter. It is due to lack of sleep and mounting paranoia of being tazed by Stephenie.

In the Cafeteria:

Edward's inner monologue: *loads up plate with every food imaginable* Maybe if I get a lot of food, the rumors of my manorexia will cease.

Bella: Dare you to eat food.

Edward: ? Nooooo, my figure will be practically ruined.

Bella: Triple dog dare you! Waa haa, skipped double dog. Beat that!

Edward: *takes bite* tthhhhtuck, tthhhtuck, tthhhtuck!!!!

Stephenie: Cute, Edward. Wrong story. Please quit insulting my novel and get onto some very serious teen angsty dialogue *bats eyes* please?

Edward: *shudders at cougar come-on* Do you believe that you care more for me than I do for you?

Bella: You're dazzling me, and yes.

Edward: What? No I wasn't. It's usually written in when I'm dazzling you. I normally have an ulterior motive.

Bella: Hmmm, that's weird…meh nevermind. Sometimes I feel like you're trying to say goodbye. This is not foreshadowing either, to, say, Edward leaving me broken hearted when he leaves for an insignificantly petty reason. No, it's just because I am a very insecure ego-absent in luuurve teen.

Edward: I love you more, because I can leave you. Mmmm hmmm, that, of course, makes a whole crap load of sense. I'm not taking you to Seattle. Let's go to my happy place.

Bella: Will you show me what you meant about the sun? Yay, curiosity! Yay, surprises! Yay Edward, and bunnies, and ice cream and… damn it.

Edward: Okay, Bella, so I'm going to talk about Emmett hunting bears and me hunting other little animals for about three pages, mmmk?

Bella: Okay, but I'd better be able to say my one catchy line.

Edward: *sighs* If you must. Shall I set it up?... *clears throat* Spring is Emmett's favorite bear season – they're more irritable.

Bella: Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.

Orchestra: *maestro points to drummer* Bu-dum-bum chiiiing.

Edward: Worth it?

Bella: Not really. Out of context, it kinda sounds like a tub full of lame.