EPOV
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I watched as Bella walked into the elevator and the doors close behind her and Alice. She said I was like Jacob. I was nothing like that asshole. How could she even think that? What if she never came back? What if Alice talked her into moving back in with that Rosalie?
I could feel my chest tighten. Suddenly it was like I couldn't breathe.
"Seth." I barked into my phone. "I need to go somewhere. Be ready with the car."
I didn't even wait to hear a response. I hung up the phone and tried to put all my focus into getting down to the lobby. I needed air.
Oh god. What if she was gone? What if I never saw Bella again?
I climbed into the car, "Dr. Harper's office, now."
I focused on my breathing and pushed any thoughts of Bella out of my mind. If I started to think about her leaving I could become violent.
When I arrived at the doctor's office, I didn't even acknowledge the receptionist.
"Mr. Cullen, you can't go in there. The doctor is with a patient." I heard her anxiously tell me but I didn't care.
"Edward." Dr. Harper exclaimed when I busted through her door.
"I'm sorry but I had to see you. I need you…I need…I can't breathe…"
"I am with a patient." She scolded.
"You know what, Dr. Harper go ahead…he looks like he needs you more than I do right now." This girl who couldn't be more than twenty said standing up from the couch.
She pulled the door closed as she left. Dr. Harper did not look pleased.
"You can't come in here whenever you feel like it, Mr. Cullen." She started.
"This is an emergency…I…feel…" I couldn't get out the words. My fists started shaking.
"All right, let's calm down Edward." She soothed. "Have a seat…let's work through this."
I sat down on the couch and continued to focus on my breathing but it wasn't helping.
"Edward, what happened?" she asked.
"Bella."
I couldn't even start to talk. I was so angry.
"Okay, go to your meadow. Picture yourself there. No one is around. Just you and the wind and the trees and the flowers. Can you do that?"
I nodded and did as I was told. My meadow…Bella and my meadow.
"I'm sorry." I whispered after a couple of moments.
"Are you feeling a little better?"
I nodded my head slowly.
"Okay, what set it off?"
"Bella…she said I reminded her of Jacob. I…I'm nothing like that asshole. I would never hurt her." I started to get agitated again.
"Edward, calm. Who is Jacob?" Dr. Harper pushed.
"He's her ex fiancé. He abused the shit out of her. I found out when she came here and even when I start to think about how he hurt her it makes me want to….grrrrghh." I yelled out in frustration jumping up from the couch like I was about to hit something. "I am this close to jumping on my plane and going up there to take care of the problem."
"Edward, you know you can't do that anymore. You were lucky before only getting off with a fine and court ordered visits with me. You go up there and it will be so much worse. Let's work through this. Why would Bella tell you that you reminded her of her ex?"
I sighed and sat back down trying to calm myself once more.
"She…she was upset with me…I was an asshole. I don't even know what happened. We got into a fight last night over money and she…she's just always so damn stubborn. She never lets me just help her. I want to help her. Why can't she just accept the things I give her? I have more than enough money, it's not like she'll be taking food out of my mouth by accepting some clothes or food or lodging. All I have ever wanted was to be successful so that I could take care of her."
"What about what Bella wants? Do you care about her enough to respect what she may want?"
"I don't know what she wants." I whispered.
I wanted her to want me. Everything I have done in my life after meeting her; I did it for her.
"I think that is a problem. If you care about her the way you say you do then you need to talk to her. Find out what it is she wants and needs from you. You can't expect her to just jump into your arms and wait for you to pay for everything. Women who have been in abusive relationships are controlled in nearly every single part of their lives; they often seek finding their own independence. She has agreed to live with you but as her friend, you can't put her back into the same situation. Your intentions I'm sure are good but try to see this from her point of view. She is away from Jacob and finally able to make decisions for herself. She needs to find value in herself once again and she can't do that if you just provide everything for her, she wants to work for it."
I sat there letting Dr. Harper's words sink in. Of course I cared for Bella, I loved Bella. I didn't want her to feel controlled. I couldn't help that over the past nine years I had become controlling. It was what got me to where I am today.
"Dr. Harper, I have to confess something. The other night, the night before you came to see us…I…I had a relapse."
"Edward." Dr. Harper sighed.
"I know. I'm sorry…but…Bella was in trouble. She was living in a dangerous part of LA and she was accosted by three guys. My valet took care of two of the men but when I saw one of them hold Bella and threaten to break her neck…something snapped inside of me and to be honest if Bella hadn't screamed I probably would have…"
I put my head in my hands.
"I understand that having Bella in that situation could bring that side out however I know you love this girl. She's going to find out eventually about your past. I would hope you would tell her before she found out from some other source. I know you have hopes of building a relationship and if that is what you both want then both of you need to be honest about the past nine years. I want you to work on this. The next time you start to go down that path of violence I want you to picture Bella and hopefully you can overcome that need. Would she be happy if she knew what you had done? It's not worth it. If you love her then going out and seeking violence isn't worth it, is it?"
Silence.
I thought back to Bella's face when I was just about to make sure her attacker would never attack again. She looked frightened but not frightened of the situation. She was frightened of me.
I never wanted to see that face again.
"I just wanted to protect her." I replied softly.
"You can't go back to high school and make it right." Dr. Harper said.
We had made a complete circle. The reason why Dr. Harper ever asked me who Bella Swan was in the first place.
Dr. Harper was trying to search for the key to my past that had made me what I was today. Not Edward Cullen the successful capitalist. She wanted to find out why I was focused on searching out individuals for a good fight.
It started five years ago when I was first out of college. I was still pretty nerdy and I'm sure a gust of wind would have knocked me over but while I spent time starting my company and building it, I put time into building myself as well. I hired a nutritionist to help beef me up and a personal trainer. I trained in nearly every martial art style I could find. I trained in weapons. Anything where I would never be weak again. I wanted people to fear me. And it was all because I couldn't get out of my mind what happened to Bella the last day of school before winter break.
I had been waiting around by her locker after school had ended. She usually was very prompt as P.E. was a subject she tried to hurry out of but today she wasn't showing. Finally I decided to trace back the path I knew she would have taken to the gym lockers.
I waited and waited searching around for her while the student body dispersed from the campus for the holidays. I finally had enough so I went into the girl's locker room.
"Bella." I called out.
I could hear a shower running and knew I should probably just leave but I needed to know so I walked down the rows of lockers and she was nowhere in sight. I continued on finally to the showers.
"Bella?"
"Edward…" I could hear her say through a trembling voice.
"Are you okay?" I didn't want to go around the shower wall afraid she was naked.
"No…I…everything hurts." She whimpered.
I took a towel that had been sitting on the side and threw it into her shower.
"Here, I'm coming around."
I gave her a couple moments to place the towel around her private areas. I walked around cautiously and saw her sitting on the tiled floor to the shower.
"Oh my god, what happened?" I gasped and practically jumped toward her. I turned off the shower heads and crouched down beside her.
"I…don't want…to talk about it." She said shivering.
"Let me get you a dry towel and your clothes. What locker is yours?" I wouldn't dwell on the how and the why. I needed to get her dressed.
"My clothes…they're over there." She pointed and I turned around to see them sitting in the shower across the way completely drenched. I know knew one hundred percent that this wasn't something as simple as falling in the shower. She was bullied in here.
She didn't have a dry thing to wear so I started to pull my jacket off and wrap it around her. I turned away so she could put it on fully and zip it up. Now I just needed some bottoms for her to wear.
"Can you stay here? I'll go to my locker and get my gym pants." I jumped up and ran off to my locker. I tried to hurry as I didn't want her to have to sit in that dank cold shower for long.
I arrived back practically winded from the run and handed her my gym pants.
"Edward, I…can't get up. My wrists are sore from trying to break my fall…I…I think I sprained them."
"Okay, I'll help you." I went to pull her up and she helped as much as she could but she had to keep the towel across her waist so I had to use all my might which was pathetic since she only weighed like a hundred pounds.
I turned away after I helped steady her so she could put the pants on. Afterwards I gathered up her wet clothes and carried them with both of our book bags to my car. I helped her in before throwing our stuff into the back and then put the heater up on max. She had to be freezing, my god it was December.
"What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it. Just forget it." She whispered looking out her window. I drove on toward her house.
"I don't care. Tell me." I demanded.
She sighed. "Lauren…I…accidently hit her in volleyball and she lost her balance and landed on the ground. Everyone laughed and I apologized profusely but…" she wiped a tear from her eye as I pulled into her driveway. "Sometimes, I really hate being me."
"Bella, Lauren's a bitch…come on." I tried to cheer her up but it was a rather pathetic attempt. "What did she do to you?"
"I was taking my shower and she came in and pushed me full force. I slipped and she said that if I ever made her look like an ass again she would beat the shit out of me next time. Guess I got off fairly light."
I could feel myself become hot. I couldn't believe that girls where just as horrible as guys were. What's wrong with people in this world? I wanted to hit Lauren. I knew that I should never hit a girl but she hurt my friend and now all I wanted to do was make sure she'd never hurt Bella again.
"I should probably get going." She said and placed her hand on the door handle.
"Bella, don't let this ruin our winter break. I will be by tomorrow with the Godfather trilogy just as planned…I'll even bring you your favorite."
She nodded but didn't say a word. She just got out of my car and walked on up to her front door. It killed me to see her like this. I will admit part of me had horrible visions of her doing something stupid like killing herself. In that day it was becoming common for teens who were bullied to kill themselves. No one understood what if felt like to be ostracized and picked on every single day.
I drove on to my house completely in rage for what had happened to my friend. I could see as I passed that there was a group of the popular kids outside at the local diner. Fueled by my anger I made a stupid decision.
"Lauren." I called out as I jumped out of my Volvo.
Everybody turned to see me stand there. I slammed my car door and started to approach.
"What the fuck do you want?" She laughed.
She was surrounded by a sea of her worshipers who laughed along with her.
"Leave Bella Swan alone. She has done nothing to you." I said through gritted teeth.
"The fact that she exist is more than enough. What do you care? Is she your little girlfriend?" She taunted.
"Lauren, if you ever hurt her again…" I started to threaten.
"What are you going to do about it? Are you threatening my girl?" Tyler stood up from the outside table and started to approach me.
Then I did something incredibly stupid.
"Just keep your bitch in line."
It took exactly five seconds…
Three for Tyler to work through what I said. One second for him to pull his fist back and the last second for it to connect with my face.
I didn't make it over to the Swan house the next day for our Godfather trilogy. By the time that Tyler was through with me I was lucky I could even make it to my car. I was covered in my own blood and I was sure that it would have been worse if not for the waitress who came running out of the diner and said she would call the cops if we all didn't leave this instant.
I spent the next week in bed trying to heal from my wounds. My parents were of course upset and started to wonder if they should transfer me to a different school but I told them that if they did that I would leave. I wasn't about to leave Bella.
Over the past nine years I found a way to direct my anger. Not exactly in a healthy manner as Dr. Harper would point out over and over again but it helped me and in some small way I kind of hoped that it helped others.
When I was caught…I got off light since it was my first offense and well I did manage to save that girl from being raped. However the prosecution tried to link me to other incidents in the area since I did have a signature but since the evidence was circumstantial my lawyer managed to plea out on self-defense even though the man I was caught attacking was defenseless long before the cops arrived.
That was a couple of years ago and since then I have been a good little citizen…at least that's what the fine peacekeepers of Los Angeles have been lead to believe.
"Edward, I think if you and Bella are to have a successful friendship then you need to learn patience and practice listening to her. I recommend that when you leave here and go and see her you should start with an apology and then listen to what she has to say and how it makes her feel when you try to control her. Do. Not. Get. Upset. With. Her. Listen, Edward."
I would. I would listen to Bella and beg her to give me another chance. I would do anything for Bella.
When I left Dr. Harper's office I could instantly feel myself become anxious. I prayed when I returned to the office that the time apart will have cooled us both down. As the elevator at Cullen International rose higher and higher I practically felt a full-blown panic attack come on as I had visions of Bella's empty desk and Alice stating that she jumped on a bus and left town.
"Jessica, where is everyone?" I demanded.
There was no Alice and no Bella.
"Uh…I think Alice took Bella home. Said something about needing to leave…or something."
Idiot! Damn this woman couldn't even relay a simple message.
I could feel myself trembling as I turned from my place and headed back down.
"So does this mean I can leave too?" Jessica called after me.
I practically shook the walls with my roar of frustration and I didn't wait around to see if Jessica got the message.
I focused on my breathing. On my meadow.
"Oh God, please. Please." I prayed standing alone in the elevator car.
I jumped back into the backseat of my car. "Go to the shelter. The one Bella stayed at."
I was practically shaking the whole car with my jittery leg I was so nervous. We pulled up in front of My Sister's Helper and I tore out of the car and stormed up the stairs.
Calm Edward. You can't win her back if you go all crazy on her.
I struggled to knock nicely.
"What are you doing here?" That Rosalie answered the door.
"Is she here? Where is she?" I barked.
"Don't take that tone with me. I'm not your employee and even if I was I still wouldn't put up with your shit. You're lucky that Alice is practically a saint."
"Just tell me where Bella is?" It took everything in me to not yell at her.
"She's not here. I tried to talk her into coming back but…you're a lucky man. If you had treated me the way I heard you treated Bella I would have socked you in the nuts. Bella is at your place."
Instant relief. I breathed out and my body sagged into the door frame.
"You two must have had quite the friendship for her to give you another chance…don't waste it." She turned and went back into her house closing the door in my face.
I stumbled back to the car and slowly sat back down in the back seat.
"Where to, sir?" Seth asked.
"Uh…home….wait go to a flower shop. I need to pick up something…wait no go to McDonald's."
I knew Bella wasn't going to look at any flowers I brought her. I needed to bring an offering that reminded her of our past. Something that told her that I cared enough to remember her favorite.
When I returned home I cautiously walked into the front door wondering just what I was going to find. Where would Bella be?
"Welcome home, sir. Can I bring you something?" Katherine asked as she approached me to take my McDonald's bags.
"No. I…will keep the McDonald's. Can you tell me where Bella is? She is here, right?" I asked unsure.
"Yes, sir. I believe Miss Swan is in your library."
Again I breathed out a sigh of relief and started up the stairs to the third floor. I noticed that the roof over the courtyard was retracted but it was getting dark and soon you wouldn't be able to see anything.
I entered the library quietly and could see Bella curled up on a couch with a book in her hand. She looked up at me the moment I stepped into the room and started to sit up.
"Uh…I brought your favorite." I said thrusting the Vanilla ice cream and bag of French fries out to her.
She didn't say anything. She just stared at me as I slowly walked forward with my offering in my hands.
"Bella, I wanted to apologize for my behavior this afternoon. I was a jerk and I hope you can at least talk with me so that we can fix this."
She looked at the bag of McDonald's in my hands and after a long couple of seconds she finally reached up and took them from me.
"Thank you." She replied quietly.
I sat down in a chair across from her and was happy that she was at least communicating with me.
She pulled the French fries from the bag and started to dip them in her ice cream. I couldn't help but cringe.
"Really? After all the times I have done this, you still think it's disgusting?" She rolled her eyes.
"It's just…wrong."
"You can't say that because you've never tried it. It's salty meets sweet, what could go wrong?"
"Soggy fries." I stated.
She sat there eating the treat I bought for her.
"So…I'm waiting." She said.
"For what? I already apologized."
"For you to explain why you turn into an incredible douchebag when you're at work. I understand the need to maintain this strong powerful role you play but you crossed the line and from what I hear, you do so often. You shouldn't treat people like that. I have to say that…if you continue to do so…I don't think I can be friends with you. At least…you're not the friend I once had."
She looked genuinely upset and I knew that all of Dr. Harper's words were right. I was scared. She talked not only of leaving me but not even being friends with me.
"I'm sorry." I apologized once more.
"I understand but I'm worried that you'll do the same thing all over again tomorrow."
"I won't…I promise. It's hard Bella. I…for so long I was this weak reject who no one respected and I'm afraid to go back to that."
"Well to be honest I liked you a lot more back then. I didn't think you were weak in fact I thought you were strong. Much stronger than you are now."
She paused and set her French fries and ice cream to the side. "People think that we were the weak ones because physically we were unable to defend ourselves but it's taken a lot of time for me to realize that we weren't the weak ones, our bullies were. I hate to say this but after what I witnessed today you became my worst fear. You became one of the bullies. I used to be afraid back in high school that you would become popular. I knew that you came from money and I knew that if the popular kids ever found out then they would recruit you and you would leave me or worse you become just like them. The way you treated me today in your office, you made me feel bullied all over again."
My heart broke listening to her and seeing her eyes brim with tears. For the first time today I now understood the comparison of me to Jacob.
"Bella, I…I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry. I wish you could understand just how horrible I feel for ever making you feel like that. I was mad at you…"
She looked taken aback.
"I went and saw Dr. Harper today. I had to talk to someone because I knew I fucked up and was scared you would leave me. She helped me work out a lot of my issues. Yesterday with our argument, it carried over to today. I was upset because I just wanted you to let me help you. I wanted you to do what I would tell you to do. Whether that was accepting money or any other help I could provide but Dr. Harper explained to me that if I cared about you I should respect your wishes and let you figure stuff out on your own. I was controlling and disrespectful to you. I have trouble because I know I can just fix whatever issue you have. Money, clothing, food, whatever your heart desires I can give it to you but…I now know that, that is what you may not need from me."
"Thank you…but you fucked up pretty bad, you know that right?" she asked with a small smile on her face.
"I did." I agreed.
"So…one would say that you owe me."
"Where are you going with this?" I asked. I could see the deviousness brewing in her eyes.
"Do you agree that you owe me?" she pushed.
"Okay, I'll bite. I owe you."
If she would forgive me it would be worth whatever she had devised.
Bella picked up her fries and her now melted ice cream. "Try it."
"Awe come on. The ice cream isn't even ice cream anymore." I complained.
"Well it's not my fault you needed to take so long with your speeches of apology." She said waving a French fry in front of me.
I loved this Bella. Playful Bella.
"Fine. If it will obtain your forgiveness…" I rolled my eyes and picked up the fry and dipped into the melted ice cream.
"More. Not just the tip."
Don't think dirty, Edward.
I put the fry in more and pulled it out of the dripping goo. Cringing I stuffed it into my mouth and swallowed it whole.
"It's not a worm, Edward. You're supposed to chew it."
"Hey you never said how I was to eat it. I think we're done here." I picked up another fry and dipped it into the ice cream. Bella smiled up at me shocked that I would think to try it again.
"Liked it?" She giggled.
I flicked it at her. It landed in her hair.
"Dammit Masen." She huffed and jumped up. "You got it all in my hair."
I couldn't stop laughing at her. She dipped her hand into the cup and before I could react she slapped me lightly in the face with her melted ice cream covered fingers.
"You're so gonna get it now." I said wiping the ice cream away from my eyes.
She took off running, screaming through the house as I chased after her. Our food forgotten in the library.
I caught up to her and easily picked her up. She was squealing the whole time.
"Okay, okay…put me down." She tried to surrender but I wasn't done with her yet.
"No way. I think you are in desperate need of a bath." I trotted down the stairs with her.
"What are you going to do? You better not." She started threatening.
"Edward, I'm being serious."
I walked through the door to my indoor spa and gym and held her over the water.
"Edward, stop it. This isn't funny anymore." She wasn't really pissed, this was Bella fake pissed.
I dropped her down and she screamed the whole way.
She came up from the water and started screaming.
"Edward Masen….Cullen I'm going to get you back for that."
"Calm yourself down, Princess. It's just a little water."
She splashed me as hard as she could.
"Oh you missed my face, would you mind trying again?" I taunted by lowering my face down to her. She didn't disappoint as she splashed me again hard.
I don't know if two people ever had to work so hard at being friends but I wasn't working hard to be just Bella's friend. I would never stop working at being a better man for her. I wanted everything that I had pictured nine years ago. I wanted her to be my wife.
AN: WISHING YOU HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS!