Notice that I've changed my pen name? Heheh, I just didn't like the old one.

Just a heads up, my updates are going to be REAL slow. I mean, have you seen my Host story lately? I haven't updated that in like FOREVER. It's not because I have writers block or anything, I know where I want my story to go, and the words are just stuck on hold for now. Things are just crazy, leave it at that.

Last Chapter.

Edward yelled in frustration and lurched himself at Rosalie again, this time Rosalie pushed Emmett away so Edward would hit his target. As Bella shut the door behind her, as Esme sobbed loudly, as Jasper tried to tame the untameable.

I couldn't help but wonder what was happening to my family.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bella's POV

"Where we're going... It's not the right place for you." He explained to me, in that cold, detached voice I was used to these days. I stared into his cold dark eyes and felt my eyes watering. My nightmares were coming to life.

"Where you are is the right place for me." I insisted, hanging on my limbs. I slowly felt myself falling apart, piece by piece, lie by lie, and breath by breath.

"I'm no good for you Bella." He said the emotion evidential in his voice.

I felt light headed and dizzy. My very heart being ripped apart. No good for me? I was not good enough for him. I understand it now. Of course I'm never good enough for him. But not good enough for me? Me? The girl with shit coloured eyes and hair, the girl who can't walk in a straight line, and who can't dance. The girl whose life was nothing until she met the vampire with topaz eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous," I insisted weakly. "You're the very best part of my life." The only part. My life is him.

"My world is not for you." He told me, and I couldn't argue against that. I'm not beautiful like he is, I'm not fast, and I am not strong. I am not anything he deserves. I remember what happened at my party, Jasper's reaction, the way he lunged at me. I should have been afraid. I should have screamed and backed away, ran out of the house so Edward wouldn't feel so bad. But I didn't. I wasn't afraid. They were family, I was their family member…But their leaving. Leaving me behind. I thought they loved me? I thought I meant something? I thought I changed Edward? I thought a lot of things.

"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" I yelled at him, trying to desperately to change his mind. But I know it's already set.

"You're right," He agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

I felt tears gather in my eyes, my insides screaming in pain. I felt the most immense pain flooding through my body, but I tried not to show it. I want to be strong. I want to be a vampire. I wonder if he knows how much pain he's putting me through. I frantically began to search for a better memory. I started to remember the loving words he told me in Phoenix, how he promised never to leave me. Promises broken.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"I begged but was cut off, trying to get him to remember. Hoping when he did, he would remember it with a longing inside like I do now.

"As long as that was best for you." He corrected instantly. Of course.

"No!" I yelled. The words Carlisle had told me came flooding into my mind. "This is about my soul isn't it? Carlisle told me about that, I don't care, Edward." My voice was shaking and I felt as if though I was on the verge of sanity. "I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it with you- it's yours already!"

He inhaled deeply, as if he was annoyed. That's all I am. An annoyance. His eyes met mine once more and he opened his mouth to speak.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He said simply.

A million things happened at once.

I felt my air supply cut off, and I wonder if he knew. I felt my heart slowly rip apart. I felt myself leaving my body, the numbing feeling setting in. My vision blackened just for a moment as the words I dreaded the most ran through my head once more.

"You…" Meaning left my life. "Don't…" Nothing else matters. "Want…" I wonder if he'd care. "Me?" Death never seemed more appealing.

"No."

I snapped out of the scene quickly, taking a slow shaking breath. I was wrapped into a ball, sitting in the meadow like I had told them. I shook with pain as the memories of that day lurked through me. It was so clear, so vivid, as if he was really there. Lies. All lies. I can't even tell up from down, let alone truth from fib. He rules me all too easily, telling me things I thought I could trust.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

How could he? Did he expect me to just marry him and allow him to keep this secret? I'm not mad, no…how could I be mad. I understand, I mean, I'm nothing; of course he wouldn't want me. Tanya…though I've never met her, she's a million times better than me. Everyone is a million times better than me. I'm like a fingernail. Weird comparison, but it's true. You're never aware of your fingernails, there just there. You don't feel them on your hand; you just know they're there. People paint over it in beautiful colors so it's not the same plain boring thing it is. They paint over me so I can be beautiful. That's why I'm a vampire, that's probably the only reason Edward likes me now. Because I'm painted over. Because I'm a vampire. Because for once in my life I'm beautiful.

My fiancée, cheated on me. I can't even say that! He wasn't with me when he hooked up with her, I have no rights to be angry at all. Of course, Edward Cullen has no flaws. He had every right to do what he wanted, to meet the people she chose, I can't blame him at all for that. I'm not angry at the fact that he went with her, I'm angry at the fact he lied about it.

I would have understood, I would have just smiled at him and said 'oh sweetie, the past is the past. Now let's get married and get fucked up hmmm?' But no, he chose to hide it. Just like he did all those years ago. Does he not realize how delicate I am? How his lies have cut through me, time after time after time again…

Swift cheese.

I sat on the cold ground, though it wasn't cold to me, and played with a piece of grass. Numb, that's what I feel. Nothing, nothing at all. I faintly heard fast footsteps approaching me, and I instantly tensed. I could imagine his cold hard face, and his black eyes. He would stare down at me and snap at me, telling me he didn't want me anymore, that all the words he said on the cruise was a lie, that he didn't love me. He would realize the pathetic creature I am, and he'd run off to find beautiful Tanya.

He probably never really loved me. He probably only found me beautiful, and he wanted to seal the deal with marriage so I couldn't run off. I'm never good enough for him, never am I enough. Not even when I was human, the only difference now is that my face is a lot easier to look at.

It's amazing how he so joyfully played with me. Filled me up with this feeling, the rush of love, and the feeling of contentment and belonging. Then rips it away so quickly that I can't see it coming, and I fall backwards as he laughs. This ring on my finger, the promise we made, all felt so distant, like a far away land, even though it was a month and a few days from now. A month, I allowed him to lie to me.

"Bella." A voice whispered and I shut my eyes tightly, my hands balling into fists. "It's Alice."

I relaxed instantly, breathing a sigh of relief, opening my eyes to the vampire who sat in front of me. Her eyes holding pain and pity, her lips twisted in a deep frown.

"How you holding up?" She asked me gently.

"I've had worse." I whispered in reply. "But I've been better too."

She smiled sadly and reached to take my hand. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

I dropped my eyes quickly, glaring at the blade of grass.

She continued. "I warned him, Bella. I really did. I said, 'if you ever lie to her again, I won't be there supporting you.' Or something along that line. He said he wouldn't. But he did. He did, Bella. He's my brother that much I know, but you as well are my sister."

I looked into her eyes and saw pain. I was tearing this family apart. I had no right. No right.

"He shouldn't have done that. He should have told you." She muttered, her eyes blazing with anger. "That bitch isn't even half of what you are. You're everything she can never be, Bella. He was stupid, she is stupid."

"I'm not angry." I said sadly. My voice shaking.

She stared at me curiously for a moment, her eye appraising me. "You know Bella." She said softly. "Sometimes I wish you would be."

I bit my lip as she continued. "I remember when we first found you, maybe two months ago…I can't remember, even having a vampire mind. You were so broken, Bella. And I hate that we did that to you, it took you so long to accept us again. Now that you have… I-I can't help but feel that I let you d-down, betrayed you yet again. A-And I'm, j-just, so sorry!" She sobbed quietly, and I reached out to her slowly.

I wasn't used to her crying. Never. She was always so happy, so bubbly, and so full of life. To see her at the verge of sanity, to break down because of me. I couldn't help but add this to my life of faults. I've saddened the joyous. Now let's take some candy from kids and call it a day huh?

I hugged her gently, embracing my loving sister in my arms. "It's not your fault. It's not his either." I whispered. "I understand that he'd chose her, she must be beautiful."

She pulled away sharply, and glared at me. "Don't you ever believe that." She said, shaking her head. "You are so much better than she is, Edward was a jerk not to see that. But he does now. He loves you, that part isn't a lie at all."

"I can't hold it against him." I said quietly. I knew that Edward didn't love me. It's impossible for him to love him. "He had all the freedom to do that, I just wish he hadn't hid it from me."

She smiled a small tiny smile. Her eyes scanned my body, and I realized I was still in my wedding dress. It looked beautiful as ever, as I stared at the meadow, I realized this was the place where I would get married, in this same dress. If Edward will still take me that is.

"At least the dress isn't ripped." She sighed, giggling. "You're hair is a mess though, if I may point out."

I plucked a leaf out of my curled hair and threw it to the ground. "I was mad."

She laughed. "I don't blame you."

I smiled softly and we dwelled in the silence. I saw her look at me in somewhat of an awe, her eye glazing over, and for a moment I wondered if she was having a vision. In some ways she ways.

"You look beautiful, Bella." She said finally, staring at me, smiling. "The dress is perfect, and your hair…despite the leaves and twigs, is beautiful. A fallen angel actually."

I looked down at my dress that was spread all around me, a beautiful flash of white, and for a second I believed her. I was a fallen angel, or I looked like one. But then I remembered that angels are perfect, their loved, and their admired. I was no angel.

"Fallen angel." I repeat slowly. "Sure."

She just shook her head and sighed. Suddenly we both were aware of another set of feet heading towards us, the familiar smell filling the air. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, a burning sensation in my chest.

"I should go." She said quickly standing up. "I love you, Bella. Okay?"

"Okay, Alice. Thank you." I said up to her, she stared at me for a moment, and then dashed off. I remained on the ground, feeling no need to stand up and greet him. I began to pull grass out of a ground, forming a pile next to me. My eyes burned as I awaited for his harsh words. I didn't move as I heard him stop behind me, I didn't turn to face him, I didn't speak. I saw his shadow towering over me suddenly, and I cringed.

I heard him sit on the ground, a foot away from me, I felt his eyes on me, but I couldn't meet them. See the anger in his eyes, the disappointment. We sat in silence for a very long time, and within that time, I didn't move. I remained like a statue, my hands sitting on my lap, my hair covering my shameful face. I began to tremble slightly, but I fought it, I fought the pain that persisted to poke at me. I felt him shift towards me, and I held my breath. I released it when I felt nothing.

After a moment, I couldn't take it anymore. The silence itself was killing me. I stood up sharply, still not looking at him and without a second though did the thing I've been going me whole life. I ran.

I didn't get far though; I stopped abruptly at the edge of the meadow when Edward suddenly stood before me. His face so unemotional it scared me. I gasped quietly, and instantly drew my eyes away from his dead eyes. I stepped around him quietly and ran again. Only to stop again, because he stood in front of me. I tried again. But failed. Again. Still failed.

As many times as I tried to get around him, he'd show up in front of me unexpectedly. He was faster, he always was. We did this all in silence, an attempt, a block, and then a fail. Repeat again. Attempt. Block. Fail. He didn't say anything; he just stared at me with those empty eyes.

I gathered my strength and sprinted around him, and for an instant I thought I succeeded. Then his arm shot out and grabbed my arm, unintentionally sending sparks up my arm. He held me tightly and stared into my eyes.

"I lost you twice." He whispered. "I'm not going to lose you again."

His words brought a new pain into my soul and I cried out and fell to the ground. I didn't expect him to catch me, but he did anyways. He held me to him tenderly, and I cried into the man who broke me many times, the man who held this power over me, and continued to torture my poor soul.

Edward's POV (I don't know about you guys, but I want to damn him to hell. But for your sakes I won't.)

There are no feelings to explain. Hate? Love? Anger? Betrayal? I can't stay on one, so I settled on nothing. I felt nothing. I sat on Alice and Jasper's bed, as Alice rushed off to find Bella, Jasper sitting next to me watching me like a hawk. I turned my head towards the large mirror, and the seat placed in front of it. I imagined Bella sitting there, Alice pulling at her hair, laughing. Being happy. A feeling I seemed to always steal away from her. When Bella showed up in the doorway, I would have died for many reasons. One: She looked so beautiful. Her wedding dress hugging her curves, falling to the floor. Her hair curled and beautiful. My beautiful bride Bella. Two: The pain. The pain I saw in her eyes, the way she would cringe and wince. Third: The betrayal. The way I betrayed her so easily, cut her without a care. Broke promises, and went back on words.

How could she possibly forgive me? After everything I've done to her, how could she?

"Jasper." I said weakly. "Please, what was Bella feeling?"

He turned and looked at me. His eyes searching my face. "Really?"

"Yes." I replied quietly, shutting my eyes.

"Pain." He said simply, and I cringed. "Betrayal."

I nodded my head and fought back a sob. I opened my eyes and stared into his pitiful eyes.

"Understanding." He whispered.

I tensed and stared at him in disbelief. Bella was always passionate, understanding, loving, but even now. She understood? She accepted me? My lying, grieving, self. An angel. That's what she is. I love her, oh so much. But I've damaged it. I've added another scar to her arm. Another scare that I can't heal.

"She understands, Edward." He said. "But not for the reasons you're probably thinking. You have no idea how she thinks of herself. Nor do I for the matter, but I can feel it. She doesn't consider herself worthy, Edward. She thinks that Tanya is meant for you, because she's perfect, and she is not. You've blinded her, Edward. From the truth."

I gulped painfully. "Bella is everything I could ever want."

"That doesn't change the fact you went with Tanya."

"I know."

"There was still pain though" He added. "Bella is a wonderful person, please realize it."

"I realize that." I whispered pathetically. "I've always known that."

"Then stop torturing her." He snapped, suddenly furious, "Stop lying to her, Edward. You've lied to her one time too many. She'll only tolerate this up to an extent. One day, Edward, you're going to push her too far. And you'll lose her. I don't need to be Alice to see that."

I swallowed the emotion, my eyes burning fiercely. "I want to be perfect, Jasper." I murmured. "I really do. She thinks I'm perfect, but I'm not. I'm the most horrible person – vampire- to ever live."

He said and shook his head. "Go find her, Edward." He said. "Find her."

I stared into his eyes, and he stared back, raising an eyebrow. "You love her don't you?" I nodded, "Well, go fight for her."

I nodded mutely. I stood quickly, thanked him quietly and ran off to find my Bella who I knew was sitting in our meadow. As I ran I thought of how I had hurt her. But I didn't want to, how could I possibly want to? It seemed that fate was always stacking against us, pulling us away from each other. But I can be just as stubborn as she can, I can hold on to her with all my might.

I know what I did was wrong; I lied to her, again. But in a way I didn't. She asked if I had loved her, only her for my whole life. And I do. I've loved only her. I didn't love Tanya. How could I love her? It's no excuse for what I have done, but I'll hold on to what I can get.

I am far from perfect. I may be beautiful…on the outside. But I have flaws that once added together turn me into a monstrous human being, even though I'm not even human, I'm a monster. But not because I'm a vampire, but because I just hurt my beautiful Bella again. I'm imperfection; I want to be perfect for her, so she can deserve the best. But I know I can never be. As a vampire, we are considered flawless. But truthfully, I have more flaws than any other human can ever possess. I felt my insides whirling in pain as I remembered Bella's hurt eyes; I saw our broken promise there. The one I had broken and shattered. I wondered if she'd ever learn to trust me again.

I felt so empty, so lifeless. I approached the meadow quickly, wondering what could possibly wait for me there. I heard Bella's soft words with Alice, a whisper of goodbye, and Alice running off. I breathed in deeply as I stood behind her suddenly. She stood so still, almost like a statue. I fell to the ground behind her, a good distance between us. I stared at her.

A fallen angel.

Her dress was flared out beneath her, her beautiful hair fell over her shoulders even though it had a few leaves in it. She was in her wedding dress. I felt so helpless, so weak in her presence. We were to be married in this very spot, with her wearing that very dress. But I wondered how that could possibly happen now, and the simple thought of it brought a pain to my chest. She was so beautiful. Everyone has someone or something they just have to love. A puppy, a family member, a lover, in my case my Bella. Even now as she was stiff and tense, she was beautiful. I wondered how in the world I had the nerve to hurt her like this.

She stood suddenly, and instantly I knew what she was about to do. I stood quicker and beat her to her escape, she jerked to a stop in front of me, her wide topaz eyes meeting mine. I left myself pale or weaken in her presence and she tried to side step me, but I wasn't going to let her go that easily. That continued on, she tried to get past me but I was being stubborn and blocking her every attempt.

She suddenly ran, and desperately I reached my hand out and snagged her arm, forcing her to stare into my eyes. "I lost you twice." I whispered to her, my eyes burning. "I'm not going to lose you again."

Something inside of her snapped and she fell into me, my arms wrapping around her, sobbing. She cried into my chest and I felt stinging in my eyes as I remembered I was the reason. She cried for I don't know how long into me, and I just held her, whispering that I was sorry over and over again.

She pulled away slowly, but I held onto her tightly, forcing her to look into my eyes. I dared her to look into them and realize I love her, and how sorry I am. Her topaz eyes met mine, filled with pain and confusion. Pain I've inflicted and confusion I've created. All because I was a coward.

"Why?" She whispered her voice painfully beautifully. Just that one word, had me crumbling. That one word, pierced through like a million spears. Why?

I hesitated before answering. "I don't know."

Her face twisted and pain and she squirmed out of my grip, my arms falling to my sides, instantly craving for her. "That's not good enough." She told me, trying to fake boldness in her voice. But I could see through her façade.

"But it's all I know." I whispered pathetically. I reached out to take her hand into mine and she shut her eyes shaking her head.

"Why did you lie to me?" She asked me, looking away. "Why do you enjoy hurting me so much?"

I knew it was a rhetorical question, and I remained quiet. Her eyes snapped to mine, her breathing laboured.

"Why?" She asked, almost hysterically. I felt her hands shaking in mine, but I refused to let go, I feared if I did, I would lose her. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

I opened my mouth, and then closed it again. No words escaping. I begged her – through my eyes – to stay, to hear me through.

"Because I love you." I whispered.

Her face twisted again ever so slightly. "Lies."

I reached out to hold her face in my hands, her skin shaking under my touch. "It's not. I love you, Bella."

"No you don't." She whimpered quietly. Her words cut through me, and I felt so vulnerable. So weak. So pathetic. "You don't love me at all."

"I do. I love yo–"

"No!" She shrieked, and pushed me away. "You don't! Stop lying to me!" She yelled furiously, her eyes turning pitch black.

"I'm not lying." I whispered painfully. "I'm not."

"You are." She accused. "You never loved me. You are going to leave me, just like you did when I was human. You're going to leave me once we're married, that's all you ever wanted. What am I to you? Some sick game?"

"Bella," I whispered brokenly. How could she ever believe such lies? How could she possibly delude herself to consider such things? Oh, that's right. Because of me. "Bella please."

"Don't." She snapped. "You could have told me Edward." Her voice suddenly went quiet. "You could have told me. I would have understood."

I took another step towards her, my arms open. "Was it wrong of me to want to protect what we have? We were happy, Bella. We were Goddamn happy for the first time in many years. I didn't want to ruin it; I love you too much to spend one moment angry."

She stared at me painfully. Her face still covered in that maddening sadness. That pain.

"I don't believe you." She whispered, and sobbed into her hand. "I don't know what to believe!"

She crumbled to the ground and sobbed into her hands. I felt so broken, I felt as if though I was being ripped apart slowly. I slowly approached her, and dropped to my knees, carefully pulling her to me. She fell into me, sobbing into my chest. I stroked her soft brown hair, pulling her tighter as we sat there.

Sitting in the middle of a nightmare.

Bella's POV (Gah, sorry, I just hate Edward's POV)

I sobbed into him, though I didn't want to. I hated the fact that I was the one crying, and he didn't even care. I hated the fact that here we were, sitting in our meadow. The very meadow where we explored boundaries. Where he trusted me, and I trusted him, when all along it was some joke to him. Another entertainment. I sobbed into just like I would before; I would wrap my arms around him, knowing that he cared about me. Now, it was different. Much different. I cried into him because I wanted him so badly, though I knew it would come to an end. I cried into him so I could hold the one thing I know I'll never hold again. So I could pretend everything was okay, when it never will be, ever again.

I turned my head and stared at the meadow. So innocent, so pure, so beautiful. The grass swayed in the breeze, slightly covered with frost. The trees – some bare – swayed as well to the dance of the wind. In the distance I saw two people.

One, was a man. Insanely beautiful, with tussled bronze hair, and a crooked grin. Almost an angel. He was walking with another person. A woman. She had long brown hair, smiling widely at the man as he pulled her along. Their eyes were filled with pure love, and the way they looked at each other, it broke my soul.

"I think you're getting better." The man teased, leaning down to kiss the woman's forehead.

She sighed and leaned against him, wrapping her frail arms around his perfect body.

"At what?" She questioned, staring into the man's eyes.

"Running." He answered, flashing her that grin that made her smile in return.

"Well, I'm not really the one running now am I?" She answered.

"Very true." He murmured, and held her closer. They love each other. That much was clear. Their love shown across the meadow.

They sat on ground, the woman wrapped in his arms. I imagined she felt very safe there, in his arms. I wished I could feel safe now.

"It's almost your birthday you know." He murmured into her hair, inhaling deeply. "I wonder what we should do."

"Absolutely, nothing." She said smugly, she laughed, a care-free, beautiful, laugh. "I don't want to celebrate my aging."

"Stubborn." He chuckled, and kissed her tenderly.

"It's not till two months anyways. Don't get worked up over it." She said and tucked a lock of her brown hair behind her ear.

"Try telling that to Alice." He chuckled. "It's the first real birthday we'll have in decades."

She grumbled, blushing for no apparent reason. "Just what I need. A party with vampires who will never grow old, celebrating my age. Exactly what I want."

They both laughed and held each other. Held each other as if nothing else matter, as if all that exists was their love. In their world, it probably is.

"Have I told you lately, I love you?" He whispered, and kissed her lovingly.

"Only a million times." She murmured against his lips, her hands twisting into his hair.

"I love you, then." He said, and pulled away. She pouted and he laughed.

"I suppose I love you too." She replied teasingly, and leaned forwards to kiss him again.

"I love you," He whispered again. "I love you, I love you, I love you…"

His voice drifted away in the wind and the memory disappeared. I watched as the couple vanished slowly, just as their lips touched again. Gone.

"I love you."

I snapped my head towards Edward to watch me with pleading eyes. "I love you." He repeated.

I felt the doubt start to creep in, but I wanted to fight against it; I wanted to tell it: it was wrong. But I couldn't, I just couldn't.

"I gave you everything." I whispered, touching his face. "But it wasn't good enough."

His face fell. "You gave me more than enough. Please, believe me."

"I don't know what to believe anymore." I said sadly. "I just don't."

"Believe me now." He insisted desperately.

"You broke our promise, Edward." I whimpered.

"I know I did. I'm sorry, Bella." He whispered, and leaned forward. "Please, I can't lose you."

"But Edward," I whimpered. I looked up to meet his eyes. "You already did."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I don't like Edward. I never did actually. Anywhoo, it's NOT over, there will probably be like 20 something more chapters to come. MAYBE. My mind is always changing.

GAH! This chapter has SO MANY errors with my 'tenses' is that even a word? I can spot them, but I have no clue how to fix them. Knew or know? I'm clueless. Hahah so I'm looking for someone to proof read my story. Tweek a few things and proof read my new chapters when I send it to them. PM if you're interested.

Edward's Chapter song: Break Myself – Something Corporate. (such an awesome band)

"Well, I'm willing to break myself, to shake this hell from everything I touch. I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays, so you don't hurt so much."

Bella's Chapter Song: Every Second – Change of Pace. (love them too!)

"And I remember every second, every moment. This can't last forever."

REVIEW!

p.s. I've written a new one shot/ song-fic, "What If You?" Check it out. BYE!