I'M ALIVE! And I'm posting this instead of Teach Me How to Donald because I couldn't think of a rap for Kairi...or Riku...only Sora worked.

I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Allstate.

Allstate

Vanitas lay sunbathing on a grassy hill, clad in Aqua cosplay gear. He had swapped out her tank top for a blue bikini top. About ten yards away or so, various bike-like contraptions were speeding around in a competitive Rumble racing game. Vanitas, however, had his eyes focused on the viewers. "I'm a hot teenage Keyblader trying to get a tan near some crazy racers."

Several more bikes careened past, turning the sharp corner Vanitas was near. "You're just racing, trying to win first prize so you can obtain one hundred percent completion for all of Birth By Sleep and unlock the secret movie." In the distance, a certain red and brown-armored Keybearer zoomed toward Vanitas on his glider. "However, you didn't expect to see the girl you've been hitting on for years in nothing but a bikini and short shorts...and you just zone out..."

Sure enough, Terra's helmeted head was turning toward Vanitas, and one could bet that underneath the helmet he was drooling at the prospect of Aqua being hot. Because we all know that Terra/Aqua is a canon pairing...Sure. "And sure enough - bam!"

Terra crashed right into the wall rather than turning the corner. He soared off his glider and smashed into the ground with a sickening thud. His helmet fell off, and there was a nice laceration near his hairline. "You attempt to heal yourself, but then you remember that you filled your entire command deck with confetti." The air above Terra popped as confetti exploded around him. "Misery loves company, so your friend joins you moments later. His command deck consists entirely of fireworks." Ventus, too, missed the corner and plowed right into the prone Terra.

"Things like this happen. That's why you should invest in Allstate, so you can be protected from Mayhem like me." Vanitas folded his arms and tried to look as smug as a teenage boy in a bikini can be.

And...cut! Well? How was it after my long hiatus? By the way, I'm holding this story hostage. Wanna know why? Because over eighty people have favorited this story, but only fifteen of you will ever review! Not only that, but I'm incredibly busy with all my other stories and schoolwork and karate and friends and family, so unless this story gets an awesome amount of reviews, I'm done. It sounds manipulative, but the Pottermore Sorting Hat said I'm a Slytherin (despite every other quiz putting me in Gryffindor), so I have the right to be so!

Besides, I want to make as many people laugh as possible, and readers are more likely to open this fic if it has a high review count per chapter. So let other people in our your amusement! It's like Disney Vacation Club: the best kept secret that really shouldn't be a secret...Yep.

You know you want to click that review button.