Chapter 9: Heart of Glass, Heart of Stone

"Elena's my friend too— my best friend— and I can't be left alone right now."

This is not a story about love. Or happiness, or out-winning the odds. This is the story of grief— overwhelming grief, of constricting grief. Grief so strong it makes you want to heave, to pull out all the bad things, all the dirty bits of memory and action— yank them out by your tongue. This would cause you unimaginable agony. The only outcome to this pain is death, but right now, under the pressure of grief— death seems a kinder alternative. At least then, you'd feel something. You'd feel the blood, feel your jaw disconnect, feel— like you were in a body. Grounded, tied. Not floating around in the ether, unable to help, unable to move, unable— to be able.

At least with grief, you knew where you stood. You wouldn't be waiting, floating, loose, empty—

fearing.

Fearing the moment when he steps out of that door and says, "she's gone".

The clock ticked.

The fire crackled.

They waited in a haunted silence.

Stefan and Bonnie had taken Elena into the downstairs guestroom to see what could be done. Alaric had joined them later, a medical kit in his shaking hands. This was over an hour ago.

Caroline knew there was something to be done. She could be doing something, but she didn't know what. There was tea to be made, or hands to hold, or comforting words to be said—

—funeral arrangements to be made.

No, damn it!

Caroline wiped away the thought with a furious swipe of her hand against her tear-stained cheek. She's going to be fine! Elena won't die! She can't! We'll cure her! Bonnie will find something— Alaric will find something. Stefan won't let her die. I won't let her die. She stood up and began pacing in front of the fireplace. Her muffled steps were the only sounds in the darkened room.

"Can you stop doing that?" Jeremy asked from the couch.

Jeremy!

"Sorry!" Caroline shook her head. She swooped down next to him. "Look, what can I do, Jeremy? Can I get you anything? Something to eat? A drink? A bottle of brandy?"

"You can't do anything." He replied monotone. "No one can do anything." His glassy eyes turned towards Caroline. They were brown, soft, innocent, hurt by a world they couldn't prepare for. She had seen that look come from Elena, on the day of her parents' funeral, at Jenna's funeral. They weren't blood related, Caroline knew that, but Jeremy would always be Elena's little brother. The kid who wanted to play all sports but didn't have enough time in the day. The little kid that would plant whoopee cushions under seats for someone to find. The little kid who ran into their sleepovers with a water gun, spraying them and cackling while doing it. The little, little boy who wanted his toes painted because his big sissy had her nails painted. He was her little brother, blood related or otherwise.

And every little brother needs a big sister.

"We will fix her, Jeremy, okay?" Caroline said through the thick knock in her throat. She shook away the image of his small, lopsided grin peaking out at her from under a mop of unruly hair. Bonnie could see the man through those dark eyes. Why couldn't she? She took his hand and kissed one of his knuckles. He just stared at her through blank eyes. She swallowed the tears again. "She's going to be okay."

"You can't know that." He wasn't looking at her.

"Yes, yes, I can, Jeremy." Caroline spoke rapidly, encouraged by her own words. "There hasn't been anything that we've faced that we can't beat. This is just another monster, Jer. Another monster that can die. That will. We will save Elena."

"A monster we can't even see?" Jeremy asked. "How can we fight something we can't see?" From the chair hidden in the shadows of the fireplace, the dark shape shifted. "We can't bring weapons to fight it. We can't break it. We can't rip its heart out. We don't even know if vampire blood works."

Caroline's heart tightened. "They'll be back soon, with some news. I know that, for sure."

"Yeah, with some news." Jeremy looked behind him at the empty hallway. "At least, we'll know something."

There was that smile, bright and shining, full of life, those doe-eyes that looked remarkably like his sister's, gazing up at her, clear in her memory, laughing as he was tickled mercilessly by his family—

"We will save her, Jeremy." Caroline sat down next to him and pulled him into a one-armed hug. "You won't be alone."

The guestroom door opened and only three figures emerged. Jeremy pulled away from the hug and leapt to his feet. Caroline, with the mold by which she held herself up suddenly gone, crumpled into the couch, her knees up by her chin. The dark shape in the chair was eerily motionless.

The silence was worse now. Now, it was jarring and disgusting. Before, it lay empty and unwanted, like an open canoe left a drift at sea. Silence sat before them all as Caroline glanced from Alaric's fearful eyes, to Bonnie's exhausted and sorrowful ones, and then to Stefan's face. His was most disturbing. Caroline couldn't read anything from it.

Silence sat before them now, wide and loud like a cacophony of noise and agony. It lay before them like a gutted piano. It was painful to hear and painful to witness. This is the real monster, Caroline thought, this is the torture Klaus wanted us to fear. We didn't listen.

Alaric could feel it to. It prompted him to speak. "She's alive."

"And?"

"She's not getting better." Stefan said. His voice sounded like an echo.

"What does that mean?"

"She rejected vampire blood. There were no obvious changes in her fever, color or breathing after taking the blood." Bonnie rattled off, the scientific side taking over. "We stopped the bleeding on her forearm but we couldn't find anything to bring down her fever. It's just like the papers. I know her symptoms before they come."

"So what do we do?" asked Jeremy in a soft voice.

Bonnie's wet eyes flew to him. It was obvious she wanted to take him in her arms but knew it was not the time or place.

"There's a hospital not far from here." Alaric said. He had never been one to deal with grief in a hopeless sort of way— if there was a will, there was a way. "We could move her. She's stabilized, but we don't know for how long. At a hospital, a nurse could stitch her arm better. I've never had formal training." He admitted this guiltily.

"But it's not safe." Bonnie said, her eyes still wet. "We have no idea how wide spread the disease has gotten, if the hospital is still standing. And she's finally sleeping well. We don't know what moving her would do. The stitches could easily come out."

"Besides, they couldn't cure the disease." Jeremy said.

"No, Jeremy," said Alaric with remote finality. "They couldn't."

The dark shape in the chair moved again. It grew legs and step-forward. Damon's swollen eyes watched them all. "Who cares?" He said, his voice sharp. "We have to try, don't we?"

"We can't move her!" Jeremy whipped around. "You heard what Bonnie said!"

"So what do you suggest?" Damon snapped. "We just leave her to die?"

"We fix her here! Bonnie can do it!"

"I don't have as much faith in your witch-bitch as you do!" Damon hissed, his eyes glowing fiercely. "What can she really do? She didn't even know the disease was here until it was way too late. Everyone in Mystic falls is dead, because of her! Because she can't do anything to stop this thing!"

"Damon!" Alaric cried. "She's trying her best!"

"Well, where is it getting us!" Damon roared. "What are we doing to save her? What are any of you doing?"

"Stop, Damon." Stefan said from the corner. "Please, not right now—,"

"Why are we even discussing this?" He demanded of them. "If there's even a chance that she can get better, why are we just sitting on our hands?"

"You don't get to make those decisions for my sister!" Jeremy roared. He moved about the table to face Damon head on.

"Right, because you have such a stellar record of keeping family members alive."

Jeremy stared blankly for a moment. And then he took a swing. Damon easily dodged it, as if he was bored. Caroline stepped forward, ready to grab someone if the situation continued to digress.

"Don't talk to me about saving people!" Jeremy snarled, his fists raised and tears in his eyes. "You only want to save her to get in her pants! And I won't let you anywhere near her, you son of a bitch!"

The glint in Damon's eyes was all the signal Caroline needed to know that things were about to get very bad. She leapt forward and grabbed Jeremy, as if pulling him out of the way of a sixteen wheeler. He fought against her, but she wouldn't let go. She heard Alaric's voice and the sound of a struggle between the two.

"You don't get to talk to me about love! You have no idea what I've done for your sister!"

"Damon, calm down, he's just a kid—,"

"He wants to be an adult, he wants to be included, let's have it! Come on, Jeremy, prove it to me that you're not some wimpy, whiney little brat!"

"Let me go, Caroline!" Jeremy pushed against her, but she shoved him into the wall.

"No!" She hissed in his ear. "This isn't what she wanted!"

"Stop talking about her like she's dead already!"

The air suddenly tensed and Caroline felt a sharp shock snap her skin where she touched Jeremy. She leapt back, surprised. Jeremy's face said he had felt it too. Damon stopped shouting and stood a good distance apart from Alaric. Something had separated them all.

Bonnie stood in the center of the living room, tears streaming down her face. But her jaw was set in a mask of concentration. "You all need to stop." She said. "We are not moving Elena. We will take care of her. We will save her. But I need help. I learned a lot from the well. The trip was not in vain. If I can make something similar, I can make a cure. Klaus's plan will fail. Stefan's already agreed to help. Elena needs her friends to be with her, not fighting. She'd want us to work together."

She spoke with such confidence, nobody dared to disagree out loud.

The stunned silence of the room broke and Damon pushed back Alaric, heading for the guestroom. Stefan moved, as if to stop him, but Bonnie put up a hand. She shook her head.

"Let him be, Stefan. He's grieving."

"We all are." Jeremy scowled. He slipped away from Caroline and moved to go upstairs. "Doesn't give him an excuse to be a dick."

They watched him slip away, up the staircase. Caroline lingered in her gaze just a bit longer than anyone else, because she knew what turning around meant. It meant looking into the faces of those wrought by worry and fear. It would mean turning around to fight an impossible situation, one she wasn't entirely sure that could be overcome. The memory of Stefan's hollow eyes told her everything. But finally, with a sigh, Caroline turned, her mouth set into a straight.

"What can I do?" She asked Bonnie. The witch nodded mutely.

"I need help researching. There's something about viruses in the witches journals. Maybe there's a way to reverse the magics, because it upsets the balance of nature. We should go get Tyler and Matt—," Bonnie suddenly cut off, her hand flying to her mouth. Fat tears rolled down her cheeks. "Oh my God, Matt, he doesn't know. He doesn't know about Elena."

"None of them do," said Alaric. "Look, I'll go tell everyone. I also have some journals of ex-hunters, they might help."

Bonnie could only nod, before backing up and nearly sprinting off to her room. Alaric shook his head, gave Stefan a look of condolence, then turned and went off into the dark as well. Only Caroline and Stefan were left.

"Stefan," Caroline said hesitantly. She slowly walked toward him. He was staring at the floor. "If there's anything— anything— you need, please, please come to me. A hug, a shoulder, an entire wine cooler— I am completely here for you. Stefan, please, look at me." She touched his shoulder and he jerked, as if coming out of a trance. She put a hand to his face. "Whatever you're going through right now, whatever you're feeling, I promise you, you won't do it alone. I will be here, right next to you the entire time. You have me."

In one swift movement, he grabbed her, pulling her close like an object of comfort. "I don't deserve a friend like you," he said into her hair. "You can't help me and grieve."

Something in Caroline's throat caught and her eyes began to burn. "I'm not doing this entirely for you, you big shmuck." She gave a watery laugh. She sniffed as the tears poured freely down her face. "Elena's my friend too— my best friend— and I can't be left alone right now."

Her nails dug into his back as they pulled each other tighter together. They stood together like that, like a single stone column for a while. For just a moment, they were immobilized, frozen, and locked away from a place that by your very existence, aimed to do you unspeakable harm.

Stefan and Caroline had broken apart when they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. A brief glance between the pair made it clear neither of them wanted to talk to anyone right now. With a quick burst, they bolted. Caroline hid in the second hallway over and listened.

"So you're sure the bite is fatal?" Mayor Lockwood asked.

"We haven't seen any survivors and that's what Bonnie said when she first received the visions." Alaric's deep voice responded.

"And that's how these things were created? Through bites?"

"We think so."

"And you have no idea of how to cure her?" Caroline was shocked to hear Tyler, true fear in his voice.

"Bonnie and Stefan are working on it now. Jeremy, he disappeared. We figured it was best if we just left him alone for a while."

There was an inaudible collective agreement. And then came the words that would haunt Caroline for the rest of her life.

"How long does she have?" Matt asked.

"We . . . don't know."

Caroline sniffed and cleared off her face. Then she went to see her mother.

Knock. Knock.

Liz Forbes opened the door, looking worried.

"Oh, Caroline, I was just getting dressed to come down stairs. Alaric told me what happened with Elena! Is there anything—,"

Caroline stumbled forward, dragging her mother into a hug. But for some reason, she couldn't cry. She just needed to be held, to be told it was going to be alright. She couldn't lie again that night. Not to anyone. Not Jeremy. Not Stefan. And now, with Matt's voice ringing in her ears, she couldn't lie to herself anymore.

"We don't know how much time she has." Caroline said, echoing the sad voice in her head. "But I can't be down there right now. I can't look at her."

Liz stepped back and closed the door, shielding her daughter from the outer world. "Of course you can't. You don't have to. Just come be with me."

She led her daughter to the bed. Caroline still held onto her, wide-eyed.

"Tell me what I can do, sweetie." Her mother crooned. "How can I help?"

"Bonnie always needs help, researching. You can start there."

"I meant with you, honey. How can I make you feel better."

Caroline's mouth opened and closed, her lips suddenly parched. "You shouldn't help me. I don't deserve anything."

"Sweetie, that's the survivor's guilt talking. You need something."

Caroline blinked, trying to remember something but her mind seemed to be purposefully blank. "Guilt . . . guilty . . . survive . . . I am guilty."

Suddenly there was a loud thump above them and a muffled roar.

"What's Damon up to now?" Liz asked of no one in particular. Caroline became very still and then leaned away to look her mother in the eyes.

"Your room is directly below Damon's?"

"Yes. The boys thought it better if we were all kept relatively close quarters." Her mother frowned. "Why? Is something wrong? Wait, Caroline, where are you going?"

Her hand felt slippery on the handle. "I have to go— check on something."

She wrapped on his door, fast and hard. The sounds within only continued. She heard him angrily muttering as he moved about his room, clearly doing something. The thought of all the things that could occur flickered through her mind before she burst through the door. He didn't even look up as she entered.

"Gotta be here somewhere . . ." he muttered. He still hadn't cleaned up from his night with Caroline. Books were still everywhere, the bed in shambles. The widespread mess made his search for whatever it was no easier. "Where are you, you damned thing?"

"What are you looking for?" She asked hesitantly.

"Past something . . . something past . . ." He chucked the end table over his shoulder.

"Damon, are you alright?"

Finally, he looked up, staring intently. "You are not her." He said simply.

"I'm not who?"

"The one I'm looking for."

Caroline's heart tightened. "What do you mean?"

Damon swiveled his bright eyes to her. And then he was suddenly angry. "Where is she!"

"Who Damon!"

Suddenly he was in her face, his hands gripping her shoulders, pressing her to a wall. "WHERE IS SHE?" He roared.

"You don't get to do that anymore!" She grabbed his hand and with astonishing speed— even for a vampire— she caught him off guard and with a twist, she broke his hand. He gasped and stumbled back. He stood, shaking and staring at his hand.

"Now," Caroline said firmly. "What the hell are you talking about?"

His whole demeanor changed. With his free hand, he popped the bone back into place without so much as a grunt. Where he had been wild and animalistic before, he was now cold and completely removed. Carefully, he sauntered over to a nearly empty bottle near the wall and took a massive swig out of it.

"Sorry," he said. "Been mixing drinks for a while now and that last one was a bit of a doozy. I'm better now."

"No, you're not. Who is she?"

"Oh, I thought that was always clear." He turned around to face her. This was the scariest Caroline had ever seen him. She much preferred throat-ripping-out Damon to this— façade of serenity. "She is Elena. And now she's going to die."

She had to lie one more time tonight. "No, we will save her."

"Hey, maybe this is how our story begins." Damon said sweetly. "I'm dead. She'll be dead. And she always said, over her dead body. Maybe I'll get a poke now, eh?"

"Oh, my God, Damon, that's disgusting." Caroline failed to mention the sudden sharp twinge in her heart.

"But I'm preaching to the choir, right? You want nothing more than to be dead."

Caroline swallowed. She had never been more scared. "I am dead, already. You saw to that."

His eyes glinted maliciously. "I did, didn't I? But I'm talking about never-wake-up dead. Shuffle off the mortal, or in our case, immortal coil and all that . . ."

"No, Damon, I don't want that."

"Pity."

Caroline was sure her non-beating heart skipped a beat. "Why?"

"So you can finally stop getting in the way of Elena and I."

"I was never stopping you." Caroline met his gaze with a fierce return.

"Oh, but you did." He stumbled over to her, grinning madly. He cupped her cheek in his hand. "Getting into my head, like you did— do. Messing with my heart— that really hurts. Making me think about something other than Elena. From day one, you've been nothing but a problem."

Caroline jerked away from his touch. His fingers crumpled as if they had nothing to support them.

"Well, it's not like you've been so great in my life either! You're the reason I'm dead!"

"Ah, yes, well. Unfortunately not forever."

"I had a life, Damon! And you took it!" Suddenly thoughts and feelings that had been dormant for over a year came rushing back to the surface of Caroline's memory. "I was going to be something in life!"

But he had turned away, returning to his bottle. "Not strong enough— not quick enough—couldn't save the human—couldn't save the girl—thought about, something—someone—something else . . ."

"I had a plan!" Caroline was near screaming now. "Be prom queen! Marry a guy in college! Get married! Have kids! Be happy!"

Damon stopped and looked over his shoulder. "That sounds like a wasted life, even for you." He sounded bored. He began pacing, not listening to a word she said. In that moment, she wanted to make him hurt, burn, wish the skin would pull away from his bone.

"ELENA DOESN'T LOVE YOU!" She shrieked. He stopped. His eyes were clear again.

"You ruined me!" She continued. Her body was shaking. Her head was spinning. She felt like she was going to faint. But she had to be heard. She needed to say this to him. After everything, she deserved this one truth. "Everything that's gone wrong in my life is because of you! Because you made me a MONSTER! I was happy!"

And then Damon Salvatore's eyes grew very dark, so dark Caroline could no longer see the blue inside. Instead, she stared at the face of a demon.

"No, you weren't. You were willing to hop into bed with a complete and total stranger to prove that someone wanted you. Even then, I chose you because it was a way to Elena. To piss off Stefan. You were a means to an end, and that was your future. You're not mad because I took away your humanity. You're just repulsed the nuisance you were."

She felt as though she had been hit in the face, in the head, in the gut. She wanted to throw up. Her mother warned her there would be times when she would want to crawl inside of a wet, sloppy hole and peel of her skin. This was one of those times.

Slowly, his eyes returned to normal and he turned back to the bottle. Caroline could only stare. Her knees were purposefully locked to keep herself standing.

"Where is this coming from?"

"Don't act surprised!" Damon snapped. "Don't act shocked. You've known what I am from the beginning. I've hurt you before and I love doing it again."

"You've never been this way. Now you're—,"

"What? Cruel? Indifferent?" Damon's eyes lit up as though a great fire was building inside of him, glistening through his glass eyes. "Painful? Please tell me—what's wrong with me?"

"Heartless."

"You don't understand, not like she would." Damon's mouth twitched.

"You're right." Caroline turned and walked away. "I don't."

"You— you don't understand. I need her to love me, despite all the bad things I've done."

"Why, Damon? Why, damn it!" Caroline spun around. "You could have anyone's love— anyone's— but it's Elena Gilbert who you obsess and obsess over! You're not a bad guy, Damon, you're really not. Stefan loves you and Alaric and maybe even— but these feelings, this obsession, it's killing you. And it's killing me, watching it destroy you. Elena will never love you, like you need her too."

Damon looked at her. Caroline was shaking. She had never wanted anything more than to step across the room and hug the broken boy in front of her. But she couldn't. He didn't care. All he wanted was to be Elena's White Knight. To be her hero.

He closed his eyes. "I never want to look at you again. Get out, Caroline. Get out and don't come back."

Suddenly, it was all too much. Way, way too much. Caroline nodded, careful not to spill the tears on the horizon of her eyes. And walking as though the floor around her was crumbling into the seven levels of Hell, she strode out the door. Careful, careful, now. Don't let them see you cry, Caroline, damn you if they do.

She shut the door behind her, closing her off from the demon of angels. She walked along the hallway, one foot after the other. She didn't know where she was going and she didn't care. All in all, where she ended up didn't matter.

Nothing really mattered any more.

I can't do this.

Caroline stumbled into a wall and broke down into great heaving sobs. She hadn't cried like this in years. Her cries echoed empty in the great, ancient household.

She had also been wrong, very wrong, in fact. There were still tears left inside of her reserved for only Damon Salvatore.

*A/N: So two emotional chapters. Hope you guys will hold on for the rest of it. I promise it gets happier, and ends happy, Daroline and all. It's amazing what an actual apology can do.

Thanks to all who review! Love your comments! They get me through the day! But if you favorite the story, would ya mind just leaving a little note here and there? If you liked it enough to favorite it, there must be something good you can say about it! See ya'll next time!