Gil Grissom was pacing in his living room while he waited for Sara to arrive. His hands were scratching through his beard, then up to his hair, then back at his beard. He was nervous. What an understatement. He figured if he decided what he was going to say to Sara before she got there, it would be much like giving a lecture. He would memorize what he was going to say, spill it out, then look up to see if she raised her hand and asked a question. But really, he knew it would be nothing like that. Not so easy.
Because when he was lecturing, he knew what he was talking about. He oozed confidence. Now, he was going to tell Sara how much he loved her and he knew absolutely nothing about it. It was a feeling that he had a hard time putting into his own words. Sure, he could use William Shakespeare or John Donne's words, but he knew damn well she wanted his.
I'm just gonna tell her. I'll just say, Sara, I love you. And I'll apologize for being such a coward in the past. I'll just lay it all out there and hope to God she forgives me and… I don't even know what to expect. I just hope she doesn't ask me exactly what I want. I want her. I know that. But… oh my God, she's here. Holy hell. Okay. Okay. Sara I love you, please forgive me. Damn it. That just isn't good enough. I'll have to wing it.
Grissom smoothed out his hair one more time for good measure and flexed his hands before touching the door knob.
Here goes.
He opened the door to see Sara Sidle propped up against the railing casually. Her sunglasses rested atop her head and a faint smile was on her face.
"Hi… Sara," Grissom said shakily. She saw him swallow.
Sara wanted to laugh. He looked… well, he was a wreck. He looked nervous and out of sorts. Quite frankly, it amused her. She wasn't nervous or anything. She just wanted to talk to him, get it out of the way so they could move on from the weird place they were in. She was pretty good at talking things through. He was horrible at it when it came to personal issues. But before she had even left her house she made a pact with herself. She wouldn't do this for him. He was the one who had started acting strange and asking her to cancel her date with another man for him. He was the one getting drunk and talking about soul mates. He was the one who made her second guess her decision to let him go. It was his call. The ball, as ever, was in his court. She just needed patience… and she had plenty of it nowadays.
"Hey…. You okay?" she asked with a smile as if nothing was abnormal. Nothing weird had transpired between them. It was her turn to play cool.
"I'm fine. Are you?"
"Yeah." She nodded as an awkward silence passed between them. Grissom just stared at her and she began to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. Sara cleared her throat suggestively. "Um… you ready to go, or…"
Grissom snapped out of his trance. "Oh. Yeah. Right. Let me, um… just let me get my keys."
"Sure." She giggled silently as he ducked back inside. She couldn't help it. A befuddled Grissom was an amusing Grissom.
The ride was painfully silent. Sara shot him questioning glances, but he just looked ahead with a fixed expression. His deep thought expression. Sara thought the conditions were ideal for him to speak up. They didn't have to look at each other. It was quite the advantage for him.
But he didn't want to have this conversation in the damn car. Sara could take the silence no longer and decided casual conversation was the way to go. To loosen him up, if nothing else.
"So… did you sleep alright?" she asked him. He sucked in a breath and raised his eyebrows, obviously startled by the sudden intrusion on his thoughts.
"Yeah. I slept about six hours."
"That's good."
"Did you?" He asked quickly, wanting to avoid an awkward silence. He wanted to forgo the banal conversation and talk about more interesting things, like…. her. But not yet. He hoped they wouldn't start talking about the weather.
Sara wondered if she should lie or not. She didn't really want him knowing she didn't sleep. He would probably assume it was because of him and their circumstances. He'd be right of course, but her pride got in a way for a reason she couldn't explain.
"I got a few hours in… you know…" she answered nonchalantly.
Grissom waited a moment and responded honestly, "I probably wouldn't have slept if it weren't for the alcohol. And the fact that I hadn't slept the day before." He didn't really mean to say it, but it was certainly true.
He hadn't been sleeping well since Nick's kidnapping anyway, but the whole thing with Sara really added to the problem. So, he wouldn't have been able to sleep. He would have been tossing and turning thinking about what he was going to do with his life… with Sara… with everything really. Thoughts of his future generally bled into thoughts of Sara… then bled right back into thoughts of his future. He thought in circles because he never had a clear enough solution to put his mind at enough ease to rest.
Sara was surprised by his statement because of what it implied. He wasn't being specific, but she was no dummy. She knew what he meant.
Man, now he's being honest about it and I just lied.
"Actually, I lied," she blurted out. Grissom turned to her with a questioning gaze and she looked at him and shrugged. "I didn't sleep. I had a lot on my mind."
Grissom looked ahead again and remained silent. He could tell she wanted him to bring it up. She was waiting.
Not quite yet. This has to be done right. I can't just say "I love you" and BAM! Everything changes. Even I know it doesn't work that way.
Somewhere else. Not here in the car. Somewhere where he could look at her, and her at him. Somewhere deep down he realized that it wouldn't quite work if she couldn't look at him and see it in his eyes, written all over his face. She would never believe just how deeply he felt for her. His words would be too commonplace. And he refused to use someone else's words this time. He was surprised at how he actually wanted to be vulnerable. It was kind of liberating and he began to get antsy.
Where the hell is this place? It feels like we've been in this car for days.
"Where was my car again?" he asked with a frown. She laughed and looked at him, shaking her head a little. "What?" he asked.
"Ya said you remembered everything about last night…"
And he suddenly realized he might not have. It was possible. Wasn't it? He remembered telling her she was pretty. He didn't kiss her did he? Shit, what if he did? No, he would definitely remember that. Oh yeah! He was going to kiss her. She pulled back in the nick of time. That's right. No, he remembered everything he said to her. There were no gaps.
Seriously, though. Where the hell is my car?
"Grissom?"
"I do remember last night. I just can't remember what bar I went to," he told her, more than a little nonplussed. "Why can't I remember what bar I went to?" he asked himself rhetorically and looked at her to find her smiling, obviously biting back laughter. "What's so funny?"
"I just…" she laughed and glanced over at him. "I'm just remembering last night, that's all. You were… amusing," she said carefully.
"Well, glad I could entertain you," he bit back sarcastically.
"Oh, come on, Griss… you were a cute drunk," she pursed her lips and gave him a flirtatious grin. If it had been her style, she would have winked at him.
Grissom felt very warm and couldn't contain the smile any longer. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.
I have got to kiss this woman.
"…going on and on about fate and soul mates," she added, waving her hand in the air.
"Yeah, sorry about that. I get pensive when I'm drunk," he said with a shrug.
"You're pensive when you're sober."
"True. You could say I come to…interesting realizations that I hadn't really had before."
"What do you mean?"
He took a breath in and continued slowly, "Well… I never really believed in soul mates… per se. At least I never thought I did." He turned his head slowly to her. "Maybe I really do."
She turned to him reflexively. The corner of his mouth turned up and he winked. Sara's jaw dropped a little before she could catch it and goose bumps crept over her skin. She almost swerved in the road.
Whoa! Where the hell did that come from? He just did a complete one-eighty.
The air in the car seemed very heavy all of a sudden.
A silence passed and Grissom was thinking about where his car was again. It hit him and he clapped his hands together, smiling at his tiny victory. It startled Sara and she looked at him, and amused expression on her face. He looked back at her and pointed his finger.
"Emilio's!"
She nodded and laughed again. She couldn't believe she was laughing and smiling as much as she was. But she was and it felt good. And he was smiling too. She didn't see that too often, really.
They pulled into the small, near-vacant lot of Emilio's and Grissom's hand rested on the door handle.
"Okay, here we are," Sara said flippantly. Too flippantly.
"Here we are…" he reiterated slowly, looking at her intently, waiting to see if she would speak. Her face was blank.
I really am patient, Grissom. And I am not doing this for you. If I have to, I can act like it never happened All of it. I've gotten quite good at it.
She imagined him with the proverbial "ball." He was bouncing it on the "court" slowly for them both to see. Maybe he was waiting for her to take it because he sure as hell didn't know what to do with it. Or did he?
Well, sports aren't really his thing…
She laughed inwardly at her musings and cursed herself for using such an old chestnut.
Her eyebrow involuntarily raised itself. She wasn't going to say a damn thing. He conceded to the fact that it was all him. He had a lot of things to say and he was going to have to say them... even if he had no clue how. It was amazing, really, how the nervousness he had felt twenty minutes ago was now almost completely gone. It was alarming in the best way possible. He sighed and opened the door. She broke eye contact the moment the door opened, but he still looked at her. He couldn't take his eyes off of her.
"Follow me," he said quietly. Kind of seductively, though he wasn't sure if he had meant for it to be.
She looked back at him, surprised, not sure if she heard him.
"W-What?"
"Follow me with your car. I want to take you somewhere."
He had something resembling a smile on his face and his tone was low. Kind of intimate. Kind of… entrancing. His gaze was certainly entrancing. Or maybe it was the assertiveness. It was sexy, actually.
"Okay."
She didn't ask where.