A/N: Intent to Self-Harm that is not actually followed through on, however, imagery could be triggering.
Blaine had spent the last ten minutes sitting on the edge of the tub locked in his bathroom, staring curiously at the small piece of metal in his hand. He had made his way down to the kitchen and pulled out a single replacement blade for his mother's craft knife, before retreating back to his bathroom and carefully locking the door.
He could feel his heartbeat thumping painfully in his chest. At this point he wasn't sure if he was trying to talk himself into it, or out of it. He knew it was a bad idea. His mind kept yelling at him, reminding him that if anyone found out he would be in such huge trouble. He kept trying to remind himself that no one would pay that much attention to him and he was good at hiding things. He didn't even know if it would help that much. But if it did, it meant he could be strong for everyone. He could keep himself calm and be the rock they all needed him to be. He just needed an outlet for his own emotions.
He tried to ignore the little voice that kept repeating how upset everyone would be if they found out. He would just have to make sure they didn't. He eyed the blade again, cautiously bringing it to his skin. He timidly drew a line across his arm just above the wrist, lightly enough so it didn't actually break the skin. He pressed down a little harder. Still, nothing happened. He paused. Somehow, he hadn't expected it to be so hard. With the scars Jeff had, he had expected the tiniest bit of pressure would bring relief. But it wasn't working. He felt a slight twinge of regret at the thought of Jeff. If he knew, he would be so disappointed…Jeff had tried so hard for so long to break the habit and had done so well at Dalton for so long with very few relapses after those first couple weeks. He would be horrified if he knew what Blaine was currently doing.
Blaine had a fleeting thought of calling Jeff. But that wouldn't be fair to Jeff. Jeff was under enough stress. The faculty thought he might actually relapse himself. Blaine wouldn't be able to forgive himself if his actions resulted in Jeff getting hurt. Jeff didn't need to know. Blaine studied the blade again. It was brand new. And sharp. Why was he having such issues with it? Was he doing it wrong? His fingers shook slightly, and the blade slipped from them and clanged softly on the floor. Blaine panicked slightly, searching the floor when he didn't see it immediately. What if he couldn't locate it and someone else stepped on it? What if they got hurt because of him? What if they did see it and wondered what it was doing in there? What if he got caught?
His parents would freak out. Would they inform the teachers at McKinley, figuring he couldn't be trusted to take care of himself? That would be horrible. He couldn't take any more hovering. Or disappointed looks. Jeff would be so upset. Sebastian would kill him.
His racing thoughts skidded to an abrupt halt. Sebastian… Sebastian had helped him with the last panic attack. Sebastian had ordered him to call if he needed to. Sebastian had promised to pick up the phone. Blaine noticed the knife blade had dropped on the inside of the tub and picked it up, considering. He didn't really want to do this. He just…was so overwhelmed he hadn't seen another option. But maybe… It wasn't like calling the New Directions. Or Jeff. He wasn't going to trigger Sebastian. Sebastian didn't…need anything from him, right then. Maybe he could just…talk to him, for a little while. Maybe it would help him calm down so he could make it until his parents came back.
It…probably wouldn't hurt, at least. And if it didn't help, well then, there was still that little metal blade. Blaine pulled himself up wearily and went back into his bedroom, still clutching the blade in one hand. He picked up his phone and thumbed through the contact list, pausing on Sebastian's name. Closing his eyes, he pressed the button, forcing himself to just make the call. He waited anxiously as the phone rang, once…twice…three times…
On the forth ring, an out of breath voice came over the line. "Blaine?"
"Sebastian? Sorry, sorry. Did I interrupt something? I can let you go-" Blaine started, already feeling guilty for thinking he should burden Sebastian with his reoccurring meltdowns. Sebastian didn't need him messing up his night just because he couldn't manage to be alone for two hours-
"Blaine? Blaine!" Sebastian's insistent voice interrupted his internal chastisement of himself. "Stop apologizing. I told you to call me. At any time. This qualifies as any time. I know what you're thinking. Stop it."
Sebastian's firm voice grounded Blaine back to himself. He let out a shaky breath. "Okay…it's okay. I just…" Blaine trailed off, slowly flipping the blade in his hand. What was he supposed to say? He couldn't tell Sebastian how fragile his was feeling right now. Sebastian was at Dalton. He couldn't just drop everything to come babysit him.
"Blaine, It's fine. I'm actually glad you called. Are you home right now?" Sebastian's voice was slow, cautious. Blaine had the feeling he was trying to sort out whether Blaine was safe right then or not. He recalled a few conversations early on in Dalton where Nick used that same tone with Jeff. He cringed at the thought of Jeff, sliding the blade onto the desk next to his bed.
"I'm home," Blaine confirmed.
"Is there someone with you?" Sebastian asked.
Blaine shook his head, then remembered Sebastian couldn't actually see him. "My parents are at a charity event. They should be home around two," he explained. He peeked out his door at the clock, noting the time. 8:04.
He heard Sebastian exhale on the other end of the line. "Blaine…You're talking kind of…fast. Are you nervous right now?"
Blaine shrugged. "It's…the first time I've been home alone. I didn't expect it to be this…quiet."
There were a few seconds of muffled conversation on the other end of the line, then Sebastian spoke into the phone again. "Jeff and I are at the Lima Bean," he said, too casually. "We have to drive by your house to get back to Dalton anyway. Want company?"
Blaine blinked. They were at the Lima Bean? At 8:00 at night? That was weird. He shrugged. "I'm okay. Really. I don't want to mess up your night." Yes, God, Please. Come. I don't think I can do this…
Sebastian snorted over the phone. "Jeff's high on caffeine and sugar. We're probably about ten minutes from getting kicked out anyway. And Nick has gone home for the night to babysit his sister or something, so if I go back to Dalton now Jeff will just sit in my room and pout until morning. Please? You'd be doing us a favor." There was a indignant sound in the background and more muffled voices.
Well, they were probably lying through their teeth, but Blaine appreciated the attempt to keep him from feeling like a total loser. "Well, it would be terrible to subject you to that," he allowed. "You guys can come if you want."
"Good," Sebastian said, satisfied. "We'll be there in twenty minutes. I'm going to put you on speakerphone in the car. Then Jeff can't play his new itunes playlist while we're driving. I'm pretty sure he's named it "Songs That Are Most Likely To Drive Sebastian Insane."
More lies, but Blaine was still grateful for Sebastian's attempt to not be obvious about refusing to hang up on him. "Thanks, Seb," he murmured softly.
The other end of the line was quiet for a minute, then, "We'll be there soon, okay?"
Blaine nodded, sitting holding the phone to his ear, while his eyes kept drifting to the object discarded for the moment on the desk.
A/N: Thank you all so much for your continued favorites and follows and reviews! I get so excited every time I see them. You guys are awesome... (and I totally want to have deep meaningful conversations about the Warbler's with all of you. I'll admit I'm obsessed. :)