Chapter 11:

She did not remember much of what happened that night only there were no nightmares. They had not gone away. They were still there. He was still there haunting her, but not that night. That night, broken in the arms of Colonel O'Neil, the nightmares stayed away. She had awoken the next morning to the smell of coffee and the noise of cooking in the kitchen. He had stayed, cooked her breakfast, and salvaged what he could of her house. They talked again while she ate, not about what happened on Volostra or the previous night or as survivors of…as survivors. They talked as friends about the weather, sports, movies, politics, normal things that normal people talk about.

It had not been an easy road back to normalcy, back to sanity. It had not been easy fighting the flashbacks; waking up at night drenched in sweat from a nightmare; not sleeping with every light on in the house because the dark brought the voices, his voice; talking about her feelings with a psychologist. It had not been easy. Her family, Daniel, Teal'c, Janet, Cassie, even General Hammond had been there with their love and support, but he, Colonel O'Neill, Jack, her superior, her friend, her what? He had been with her throughout as a friend, a confidant to divulge her deepest fears, a shoulder to cry on when she finally broke down, a kindred soul.

She submitted to the required medical screenings to determine her physical health. 'In good health.' Janet had stated. 'No lasting physical effects from injuries.' She noted on her report.

She endured the physiological probing of Doctor McKenzie.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Fine," she answered and he wrote.

"How did it make you feel when Reynarc interrogated you?"

"Furious, confused, helpless"

"What about when Reynarc locked you up?"

"The same." He furrowed his brow and scribbled some more.

"Are you sleeping? Are you having flashbacks or nightmares? Are you angry about what happen? Do you feel depressed? Have you had thoughts of suicide? Do you have panic attacks? Hallucinations?" The questions were endless, but she endured. 'PTSD symptoms are not severe enough to require continuous medication.' He finally noted. 'Symptoms are not severe enough to interfere with occupation and social functioning.' His final diagnosis.

She was standing in front of the door feeling as if she had been sent to the Principal's office even though she had never been to the Principal's office; she knew for sure it felt like this. Her hands were sweaty, her heart racing in her chest. It had been two months, eight long weeks, eighty-seven thousand six hundred and fifty-eight minutes, five million two hundred fifty-nine thousand four hundred and eighty-seven seconds since she was brought back from six months of hell. Not that she had been keeping track. She knocked hesitantly on the door. It was over as quickly as it began.

"Enter."

She took one more deep breath, opened the door and stepped into the office. General Hammond sat behind his desk and greeted her with a smile. To her surprise, Colonel O'Neill was there as well.

"Major Carter reporting as order," she said, standing at attention in front of his desk.

"At ease, Major."

She stood at parade rest but she was anything but at ease.

"It's good to see you."

"Thank you, sir; it's good to be back." She hoped it was good to be back. This is why she was here. Her career was now in the General's hands and, of course, the recommendations of Doctor Frasier and Doctor McKenzie.

"Major, I have been looking over the reports filed by both Doctor Frasier and Doctor McKenzie." He said picking up the reports and fingering through them as if he needed one last look. "It is the recommendation of Doctors Frasier and McKenzie that…" She wanted to run out of the room before he officially ended her career. She did not think she could bear to hear the words 'unfit for duty.'

"You are cleared for duty."

"Sir?"

"Welcome back, Major."

"Thank you, sir." Shocked, happy, relived, she stole a quick glance at Colonel O'Neill who grinned but was trying to remain professional.

"There will be a mission briefing at 0800 tomorrow. Dismissed."

Colonel O'Neill caught up with her as she made her way out of the office and down the hall. "Carter."

She stopped and looked back. "Colonel?"

"Welcome back. I never had any doubt." Not giving her a chance to respond; he swiftly walked away.

Over as quickly as it began.

She arrived at 0745 for the briefing. She was excited to be back ready to start her life again. She was ready to put the events of the last eight months behind her.

At 0750 Daniel and Teal'c walked in. They smiled when they saw her.

"Hey, Sam, welcome back," Daniel said giving her a warm embrace.

"Major Carter, it is indeed good to see you back."

It was not as if they hadn't seen her in the two months she had been back, but she understood. She was back here at the SGC part of SG-1 again.

"Thanks guys." Her response was simple but heartfelt.

"So does anyone know what this briefing is all about?" Daniel asked while taking a sip of his coffee.

"I do not."

"Don't look at me; I haven't been here in eight months." She smiled. It surprised her that she could joke about the last few months.

"Mornin' campers." O'Neill said plopping down in a seat next to her. "Carter."

"Sir." At that moment, everything felt so normal so right. The last eight months seemed surreal as if she had just woken from an eight month long nightmare.

"Anybody know what this briefing is all about?"

"Good morning, SG-1." General Hammond greeted the team as he walked into the briefing room. "At ease," he quickly said before O'Neill and Carter could come to attention. He sat at the head of the table and began passing out briefing folders. Skipping more pleasantries, he addressed the group. "The SGC was contacted two days ago by P4X-532 and requested our help."

All eyes immediately turned to Carter. Her face had quickly drained of color. She did not acknowledge the sympathetic or concerned glances from her teammates instead; she dropped her head down and was now staring intensely at her hands interlocked tightly together.

"And of course you said, no."

Hammond ignored the comment from O'Neill and continued. "Minister Hvas has requested our help in brokering a peace agreement."

"With whom?" Daniel asked,

"The Midgren."

"You did say, no." O'Neill responded again raising his voice. He was quickly losing his composure.

"No, Colonel, the President has authorized me to proceed with the mediation."

"You cannot be serious?" The words exploded. "After what they did to…" he caught himself before he brought Carter into this although she was already involved. "After what they both did. Now we're going to go over there and help them make up and be friends?"

"Colonel," Hammond stated trying to remain calm, "the President thinks it is in the best interest of the SGC to participate in the negotiations."

"Our best interest? What does any of this have to do with our best interest?" As soon as the words left his mouth, he understood. "This is about that weapon. After everything that's happened, it's still all about that damn weapon." He spat the words with disgust.

"Colonel!" Hammond could hardly admonish him for his outburst because he felt the same.

"Why us, General? Why SG-1?" Daniel asked.

"They specifically requested you."

"I really don't understand. We didn't leave on the best of terms with the Volostrians."

"Let bygones be bygones," O'Neill muttered bitterly under his breath.

"Colonel, if you have something to say."

"With all due respect, sir, to hell with the fact that the Volostrians bombed the Midgren base; the lives of their own people and Carter's be damned. To hell with the fact that the Midgren tortured and almost killed Carter. To hell with the fact that Daniel had to stick a gun to Hvas' head in order to find Carter. To hell with it all as long as the President gets what he wants."

"That's enough, Colonel. You've made your feelings quite clear, but the decision has been made."

General Hammond looked at Major Carter who had remained silent throughout the exchange. She had not raised her head and still grasped her hands so tightly they were white from the strain. "Major," he addressed her although she did not respond to his voice. "Under the circumstances, I understand if you do not accompany SG-1 to P4X-532."

After hearing General Hammond give the planet designation; she was suddenly back on Volostra, back at the Midgren prison being interrogated, tortured, shackled, beaten, stabbed. She was back in the storage room, a video camera capturing her dying confessions. He was there taunting her. He was still here haunting her. She was still living the nightmare. She knew what she had to do.

"Major Carter?"

She heard her name being called and looked up at the General. "I'm going…sir."

Daniel looked on as if in shock. Teal'c raised an eyebrow. Hammond was just as surprised to hear her agree to the mission. "Major, I don't expect you to go. It was not an order."

"Yes, sir. I know, sir, I want to go."

O'Neill was the only one who did not react. As upset as he was, he understood her motivation and inwardly cheered her on.

After the briefing Carter quickly escaped to her lab. When she entered, she closed the door hoping to ward off any visitors and rested her head against the cool metal. She was not in the mood to talk about the whys of her decision. She needed the refuge of her lab. Sitting alone amongst the quietly whirring machines, studying a piece of technology; she had always found solace here at least she did before. Turning she took a deep breath and moved to her workbench. She sat down and dropped her head into her shaking hands. She thought she was better. She was better until she heard General Hammond. Just hearing the planet designation threw her back. "Dammit."

She sat in her lab, alone, lost in her own thoughts and memories until she heard a quiet knock on the door. She did not move to answer hoping who ever was there would leave. She heard the knock again followed by, "Carter."

She sighed heavily and unlocked the door but did not open it. She moved back to her workbench and picked up a random instrument and pretended to study it. She heard the door open but did not lift her head to greet Colonel O'Neill instead, she continued her feigned study of whatever it was she had picked up. Colonel O'Neill walked in and much to her surprise did not speak. He moved toward her workbench. Propping himself up with his elbows; he picked up a pencil that was lying near and began twisting it in between his fingers. They remained in companionable silence, the Colonel twisting his pencil, she staring blankly at her instrument.

He put his pencil down and looked at her. "Carter." The peace was broken.

"Please don't, sir," she said looking up and meeting his stare.

"I…I just wanted to say, it's good to have you back. I'll see you in the morning." He let his gaze linger an unguarded moment longer and then pushed himself away from her desk and left the lab.

He left Carter's lab and walked slowly down the corridor. He didn't have a particular destination in mind; he just walked. He knew more than anyone what was going through Carter's mind right now.

"Jack."

When he heard his name, he realized he had wandered down to Level 18 and had just past Daniel's lab. He tried to ignore him and kept walking. Daniel was not to be deterred.

"Jack," he called again catching up to him in the corridor.

He stopped and looked at his friend with his best 'leave me alone' look.

"Have you see Sam?" Daniel continued either oblivious to or just ignoring O'Neill's attempt at avoidance.

"Why?"

"I don't know. I was wondering. I mean she left the briefing pretty quickly after…" Daniel, not usually one lost for words, was lost for words.

"She's in her lab." O'Neill said trying to escape a conversation he was not in the mood to have.

"I should go talk to her."

"No."

"No?" Daniel looked at him confused. "Someone needs to. She just found out that her first mission back on active duty is going back to Volostra. She doesn't have to do this, Jack."

"Leave it alone, Daniel." He said clearly trying to convey that now was not the time to psychoanalyze Carter and any decisions she made.

"Is this a military thing?"

"What?"

"You know some unspoken military rule that only military people get. Be the strong soldier; don't let them perceive you're weak, oorah!"

"That's the Marines."

"What?"

"Daniel, just leave her alone."

"Jack," he said pleadingly, "someone needs to let her know that she doesn't have to do this."

"Don't you get it? Doesn't anyone get it?" He was exasperated, frustrated, pissed that Daniel, his genius friend who could speak who knows how many languages, could communicate with alien cultures, could read him like a book, was so wrong about this.

"I guess I don't," Daniel replied quietly waiting for his friend to explain.

"Closure." O'Neill stuffed his hands deep in his pants pockets and walked away leaving Daniel in the middle of the corridor.

SG-1 stepped through the wormhole on to P4X-532 and was met by a representative of the Volostrian government. They were escorted to the same meeting room they had occupied some eight months ago when everything went to hell. SG-1 were the first to arrive followed shortly by the Volostrian contingent lead by Minister Hvas.

"Colonel O'Neill, Doctor Jackson, Teal'c," Hvas paused before acknowledging the fourth member of SG-1. He was noticeably nervous. "And Major Carter. It is good to see that you are well."

'Yeah, no thanks to you, asshole.'

"Thank you, Minister," Carter replied respectfully.

It was difficult watching Carter face down one of the people who left her for dead. O'Neill wasn't sure he could be so professional or polite under such awkward circumstances. Check that, he definitely wouldn't be so calm. It was taking every modicum of control he had not to lash out at Hvas for what he and his government did to their own people and to Carter.

"Minister Hvas," Daniel interrupted, "where are the Midgren?" He had promised General Hammond and Jack, he would do all the mediating. It was the best solution given Jack wanted to shoot everyone involved and General Hammond would probably shoot Jack if he caused an intergalactic incidence.

"The Midgren delegation…" The door to the meeting room opened and a Volostrian official announced the arrival of the Midgren delegation "has just arrived."

Two men dressed in black military uniforms walked in followed closely by a third who was large with chiseled features, black eyes, and closely cropped hair. For the second time in as many days, Samantha Carter's face drained of color.

The doors to the meeting room shut and Minster Hvas began introductions. "May I introduce SG-1, our Tau'ri representatives, Colonel O'Neill, Doctor Jackson, Teal'c, and…"

"Samantha…" The third member of the Midgren delegation drawled out.

"And you are?" O'Neill asked trying to push back that all too familiar feeling he got when a situation was about to go to hell.

"Reynarc." Carter replied.